October  1999

1 October 1999

Still feel horrible.  For the last couple days have been having stomach trouble.  Also, appear to have lost my appetite.  I wake up at about 4 and can’t get back to sleep.  Felt like I was burning up with a fever all day, but the thermometer says no.  Other than go to the dentist, about all I did is sit around and do nothing.  That is not good for my mental state.  I know I’m not as bad off as some with MS.  I have to try and think positive thoughts.  The horrible feelings will pass.

2 October 1999

Feel a little better today, physically and mentally.  Still didn’t sleep well (took an Ambien about 11 and woke up at 5).  Don’t feel like I’m burning up today.  Avonex # 9 tonight and more rest tomorrow.

3 October 1999

No problem with the Avonex again.  Took Ambien about 9 and woke up at 2 and could not get back to sleep.  Exhausted this morning.  Good thing I decided to take Monday off.  Maybe I’ll be able to sleep tonight.  The lawn needs cutting, gardens need weeding, and Corvette needs washing.  Too tired to even think about it.  I sat on the couch all day and did not nothing.  My feet were burning and my stomach hurt  Hard to eat anything.

4 October 1999

Feel better today.  Slept better but woke twice to go the bathroom (without success).  My stomach still hurts (ulcers?).  Made an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow.  Some how I’ll get past all this and learn to live with MS.

5 October 1999

Didn’t sleep again (up at 2).  Went to work, which was a very stressful day.  Wasn’t feeling very well at the end of the day.  Saw the family doctor.  He gave me Cipro for a possible bacteriological infection and Hydroxyzine-Pamoate to help me sleep.  The Lorazepam was not working very well.  He told me Lorazepam is addictive.

6 October 1999

Didn’t sleep well again even though I took Lorazepam and half an Ambien.  Stressed.  Finally took a Hydroxyzine-Pamoate.  Stressed again tonight.  At least my stomach does not hurt as much.  It’s kind of funny but I noticed the ball in my foot is gone.  Now the back of my left foot feels like it’s rubbed raw.

7 October 1999

Didn’t sleep well again.  Too stressed.  Felt better at work this morning (even without enough sleep), but later in the day my legs (especially the left) were sore.  Seems like muscle spasms a little.  Hopefully I’m tired enough to sleep well tonight (took a Hydroxyzine-Pamoate).

8 October 1999

Didn’t sleep well again (had to take Ambien to get to sleep at all).  Have to be careful with the Ambien it's addictive.  It felt like I could have fallen asleep except for an incessant feeling I had to pee and couldn’t.  Finally went about 2.  Spoke too soon the ball in my left foot is back.  I think (hope) it’s from being tired.  Some good news, the blood tests the doctor took came back all OK.  Starting to think about suicide again.  Although I know it’s not true, everything just seems to get worse.  Both legs are sore (it even hurts when I’m sitting).  Can’t sleep (mostly because of the urination problem).  Just generally depressed.  A three-day weekend to recoup.

9 October 1999

Slept a little better (took a Lorazepam), except woke three times to urinate and couldn’t until the third time.  I did sleep between getting up.  I’ll take the Ditropan XL a little later in the day.  Maybe it will work better in the evening that way.  Avonex # 10 tonight.

10 October 1999

Slept better (took a Lorazepam and after two hours of trying to sleep an Ambien).  No bad reactions to the Avonex.  The right side of chest has now gone numb.  Maybe the Avonex is not working or it helped make the attack smaller (i.e., the left side is still OK).

11 October 1999

Couldn’t sleep.  Legs and arms are getting weaker (hopefully from lack of sleep).  Had that incessant feeling I had to pee and couldn’t until about 11.  Around 11 I took a Ditropan XL and a Hydroxyzine-Pamoate and laid awake until about 1 when I took some Ambien.  Woke about 4 and couldn’t get back to sleep.  I’ll have to call the neurologist (about the new attack) and the urologist.  Got an appointment with the neurologist on Wednesday and the urologist on Thursday.  Did manage to cut the lawn today.  Went back on the Ditropan XL this morning (although every time I have to urinate it’s a struggle).  Getting more depressed.  Talked with Cindy and the depression eased up.

12 October 1999

Slept better.  Took a Lorazepam about 8 and an Ambien about 11.  Woke at 4.  Thought about calling in sick, but decided to go to work.

13 October 1999

Trouble sleeping again.  At about 8 I took a Hydroxyzine-Pamoate, around 9 I took some Ambien, and around 10 I took a Lorazepam.  Woke up a 4.  Will talk to the neurologist about it today.  Saw the neurologist this afternoon.  He significantly upped the strength of the Amitriptyline.  He also gave me Baclofen for what I called muscle spasms (he said that is spasticity)  Both drugs should help me sleep.  He says the Baclofen will also help with my urination problem.  He said what I called a cloudy head (hard to think clearly) is fatigue.  Not a cognitive problem.  Another thing he said was the tingling I’m feeling is a good sign.  People who have the tingling do better over the long run (although they don’t know why).  Also, that the Avonex will not stop attacks, only reduce their intensity and duration.

14 October 1999

Slept great!  I took 100mg of Amitriptyline, a Baclofen, and a Lorazepam.  The alarm went off at 5 and I reset it to 6 to get another hours sleep.  Saw the urologist today.  He wants to try FloMax in conjunction with the Ditropan XL.  Had a headache all day (four Advil did not get rid of it).

15 October 1999

Hardly slept at all.  Had to urinate real bad and could not go.

16 October 1999

Hardly slept at all again.  Had to urinate (bladder felt like it was about to bust) real bad and could not go.  I’m sure it’s from the FloMax, so I am not going to take it anymore.  Avonex # 11 tonight.  I don’t feel as good as I did before about using it.

17 October 1999

Slept better.  I took some Ambien.  I had to get up numerous times because of the incessant feeling I had to urinate.  It’s better without the FloMax (at least I eventually urinated).  My left leg felt like it was burning all day.  No bad effects from the Avonex. 

18 October 1999

Slept very well (I took a Lorazepam) and didn’t wake once during the night.  My whole body just feels better.  I decided to stop taking the Baclofen (it just makes me feel horrible).  Leave for a week’s trip to Alabama today.

22 October 1999

The trip to Alabama went OK.  On three nights, I had trouble sleeping, so I took some Ambien.  When I finally got home I was exhausted.  I took a Baclofen because my stomach muscles were very sore.  The neurologist said that was from muscle spasms.  My stomach felt a little better, but my legs and feet felt worse.

23 October 1999

It was hard to sleep again.  I took 100mg of Amitriptyline, some Ambien, a Remeron, and a Lorazepam.  I finally fell asleep and slept till 9.  I hate not being able to sleep.  I don’t want to become dependent on pills (although it seems like I am).  I over did it today.  I cut the grass and trimmed.  By the time I was done it was hard to stand up.  A little rest and my legs are recovering.  Avonex # 12 tonight. 

24 October 1999

Didn’t sleep almost all night.  I didn't take anything to help me sleep.  Maybe I’ll be so tired I’ll sleep tonight.

25 October 1999

Sleep better (took a Lorazepam).  However, I was up every two hours to urinate without any luck.  I AM GETTING SO TIRED OF THIS.  All I want is a good nights sleep without drugs.  It’s not asking too much.

26 October 1999

Lay in bed for an hour and a half before I took some Ambien.  Woke at 1 and tried to urinate with no luck.  I lay there until it was time to get up at 5.  I’ll try sleeping without drugs this weekend.

27 October 1999

Slept well last night (although I took a Lorazepam).  From 4 to 8 I had to go and couldn’t.  Finally I went, what a relief.  Feel the same way now.  It’s like the Ditropan XL wears off.  I see the urologist tomorrow.  I’m afraid of what he’s going to say.

28 October 1999

Slept well last night (although I took a Lorazepam again).  Saw the urologist today.  No more problem with urinating, no more magic pills, no more hoping.  I now have to use Intermittent Catheterization.  The fun just never ends.  I keep going down an unending spiral to hell.  Better take two Amitriptyline tonight.

29 October 1999

Slept well again (took a Lorazepam again).  I had to IC last night, but went naturally this morning.  Maybe it will not be so bad.  Cindy is not sleeping well and broke down in tears.  Watching what the MS is doing to me is very hard on her.

30 October 1999

Slept well (took a Lorazepam again).  I had to IC last night and this morning.  I hope I can go naturally during at least part of the day.  Avonex # 13 tonight. 

31 October 1999

Didn’t sleep too well.  I didn’t take a Lorazepam, but after 2 hours I did take some Ambien.  No bad effects from the Avonex.  Took Baclofen for the stomach spasms.