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Tuesday, February 03, 2004
10:10 AM

The Lexus Strikes Back
I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the Lexus did indeed start last night when I left work. The bad news is that the lady in the dashboard apparently has internet access and frequents my website. I know this because yesterday evening the Lexus managed to come up with an entirely new way to annoy me. Three words: Automatic Windshield Wipers.

Alas, the fabulous California weather gave way to rain last night. Which started right about the time I had to drive home (naturally). I haven't had to use the wipers on the Lexus yet and it was dark, so I really had no idea what I was doing (not a rarity in my life). But given the rain, as I pulled out of the parking structure (with my lights already on, thanks to the overly intelligent Lexus) I reached to turn on my wipers. I did manage to get them functioning, but at a speed fast enough to actually keep rain from even hitting the windshield. Too frenetic for me. I felt my blood pressure rising. So I tried to turn them down. No luck. I tried moving the little handle up and down. I got washer fluid (like I needed more water) but no change in speed. I tried rotating the little knob on the handle. Still no appreciable difference. At this point the people stacking up behind me trying to get out of the garage were giving me strange looks (I think this is the same set of people who witnessed my Headlight issues described yesterday). I decided that the time had come to just suck it up and head out into the wet world.

There I am, driving along, trying to ignore the wipers moving at the speed of light, when I notice them slowing down. On their own. What? How is this possible? And then they speed up a bit. And slow down. And slow down even more. Then frenetic speed again. At this point I'm stumped. So I turn them off entirely because they are starting to freak me out. Driving along trying to figure out what next, I look in my rearview mirror and see that the rear window wiper is still going like crazy. I didn't even remember having a rear wiper and have no idea how that got turned on (turns out that rotating the knob on the handle controls that one). Yay! I figured something out - progress was being made. But I still needed front wipers as it really was raining quite a bit. So I try the handle again. Again, I get the mind of their own, "I set my own speed" routine.

I spent the rest of the ride home fixated on the varying speeds of the wipers (while driving safely and obeying all traffic laws of course). The thing is that based upon my careful assessment of the wipers, it seems that there is no rhyme or reason to how fast they go. At times they are so fast, and yet there is just mist. Meanwhile, while it's pouring, they dawdle.

This morning, in the rain-free light of day, I looked at the various controls. I think I may understand them a bit better, but am confident I will forget by the next time it rains.

The moral of the story is: Don't piss off the on-board computer on your Lexus. There is still a whole world of pain it can inflict.

In closing, I'd just like to say - I LOVE MY LEXUS. Really. But tell the French lady in the dash that I do prefer directions in English.

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