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Thursday, June 03, 2004
8:48 AM

Wild Kingdom
By now you all know about the Fabulous Yard. And now apparently so do many many animals. (Maybe they've been reading the website too.) I am becoming concerned that perhaps the animal population in our yard is getting out of hand. Ok, I am entirely confident that it is absolutely totally out of hand.

It started with the birds. We love to have birds in the yard so once the Fabulous Yard was finished we put up our trusty bird feeders and naturally the birds came. So we added another feeder. Even more birds. We were happy. The cats were happy. The birds were happy. Much happiness.

Then came the rats. Yes, rats. They sort of took over the bird feeders which was unfortunate. Even more unfortunate for our neighbors, the rats took over the attic next door. (I choose to believe that the rats were present in the attic and then found our feeders as opposed to the other way around.) Exterminator called, rats gone. Happiness returned. Especially for the neighbors. Not so much for the rats.

Somewhere in there were the Ducks who still visit from time to time.

Then the squirrels arrived. Much better than rats. Far cuter. Amazing what a difference a fluffy tail makes. I don't even mind them eating the birdseed. At first there was just one, but not for long. Soon we had a squirrel couple hanging out by the pool, relaxing in the spa, playing croquet, etc. We started to get worried.

The main problem with the squirrels is that they don't confine their eating to the birdseed. Being the farmers that we are, we have tomatoes, zucchini and pumpkins growing. Little did we know that we are hosting the only vegan squirrels on the planet. Yep. You guessed it. They are eating all the veggies. I think I could live with offering up a sacrificial zucchini or pumpkin or two to the squirrels. But the squirrels aren't satisfied with that. They seem to take a single bite out of each veggie and then move on to the next. Baaad squirrels. So now we have a bunch of baby pumpkins, most of which have a bite taken out of them. Baaad baaad squirrels. So much for my farming career.

And the damage isn't limited to the veggies. Yesterday morning, when taking out the trash, we discovered that the squirrels have chewed through the bags of organic fertilizer that we use on the citrus trees and roses. Apparently the organic stuff is very yummy (I'll take their word for it), so now we have two twenty-five pound bags of fertilizer that have each been chewed in about a gazillion different places. Baaad Baaad squirrels.

Everyone repeat after me - "Baaad Baaad Squirrels."

Last weekend during a BBQ, everyone got to see the squirrels. In fact, Connor and Barbara decided to name one of the squirrels. He is now known as "Ralph". No idea on the genesis of that name but lacking a better one, Ralph it is. There are two problems with the naming of Ralph. One - we have no idea which squirrel is Ralph. Neither does Connor. Two - Connor's creativity lapsed after contributing "Ralph." So we have Ralph and Unnamed Squirrel Number Two. Lacking a better name for USNT, we have defaulted to Ralphette. Any better ideas?

The squirrel situation reached an entirely new level of insanity yesterday. Things are rapidly spinning out of control. While surveying the Fabulous Yard yesterday evening, we discovered that we are hosting not just Ralph and Ralphette (the squirrel formerly know as USNT), but their children. Three of them. All of which were in our yard. At least I think it is still our yard. I suppose if you count that cats, the squirrels at least don't outnumber us, yet. Granted the baby squirrels are even cuter than the grown ones, but I fear that five squirrels in one yard are just too many. I don't even have the heart to check on my vegetable crop. I also don't have the heart to get rid of the adorable squirrels. So I did what any self-respecting animal lover would do - I filled the bird feeders and even sprinkled some food on the ground in front of their hiding place. I know, the problem really is me, not the squirrels.

Worst of all, we were already tapped out for squirrel names and now have three more to contend with.

I suppose we should count our blessings. The neighbors 3 doors down have 2 snakes in their yard. Of course with all the squirrels, the snakes may soon be in ours. And if that happens then I think we will have to move. Just kidding!!!

Squirrel name submissions encouraged. And if anyone has always wanted a pet squirrel, I just might be able to help you.

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