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Wednesday, July 14, 2004
4:36 PM

Outback Jackass

Warning: Another reality TV post!!

(OK, now that I scared away the 80% of our readers, most of whom hate reality TV, I can proceed.)

Did anyone else catch Outback Jack last night? Granted it was highly entertaining watching the high maintenance girls get their butts kicked by the butch ones in an obstacle course. But nonetheless I have a complaint (shocking!!).

Isn't the entire premise of the show that these prima donnas are dropped into the outback to compete for Buff Manly Outback Guy (aka "Jack")?? Seems pretty clear to me.

If so, then why was it that Jack was crying, not once, but at least twice during last night's show. Crying. Really. Lots. I also must note that not only was he crying, but, for once, it didn't look like any of the girls cried at all. Not a problem. Jack cried enough for all of them. I think that even the women were a bit flummoxed by Jack's embarrassing behavior.

What's up with that? Is this now "Super Sensitive Jack"? "Crybaby Jack"? "Quiche Eating Jack"? I knew it was too good to last. If I was those women, I'd start scouring the outback for a new dude.

In case any of you non-watchers are still reading, last night, they brought in 5 super buff women to compete with the Queens of High Maintenance in an obstacle course. And I mean super buff. I don't think any of them were under 5' 10" and they all were things like stuntwomen, body builders, etc. Those were some scary women (though very fit). If the Buff Chicks won, then one of the Girly Girls had to be sent home and replaced with a buff one. Naturally, the Girly Girls lost (though not as badly as we expected) and Jack had to choose one to get rid of. And he was none too happy about it. He cried. And cried. Boo hoo. Poor widdle baby Jack.

What was there to be upset about? Is it a big mystery that he has to, one by one, get rid of the girls? One had to go anyway. Did he think the show was going to set him up with his own personal harem? (Perhaps he needs all those women to dry all his tears.) If he hasn't yet caught on to this fundamental feature of the show, then he is not only a crybaby but should be called "Out To Lunch Jack".

Then, he made the godawful mistake of keeping the extremely neurotic Maria. We seriously thought she was going to chew her fingers down to stumps during the elimination process. She was way to wiggy. She has "Stalker" written all over her. He'd better stay hidden in the outback if he doesn't pick her in the end.

Finally, at the end, they announced that their next trek is into the city of Perth where they will get to go shopping. Much squealing ensued. Too much. I love to shop as much as the next girl, but I seriously think squealing should be reserved for truly momentous occasions. Like winning a Pulitzer or Nobel Prize (though I doubt those winners squeal much). Shopping is definitely not squealworthy. Given that these women are still breaking out new clothes each episode, why is shopping needed?

That, in a nutshell, was Outback Jack, the man who tried to singlehandedly irrigate Australia with his tears.

Carry on.

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