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Thursday, December 02, 2004
2:02 PM Rudolph The Stuffed-Up-Nosed Reindeer Last night, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was on TV. The all-time best Christmas show ever. Better than "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" (the Abominable Snowman is just a way better bad-then-good guy than the Burgermeister). Better than the Snoopy Christmas (my family knows this is a truly shocking admission for me given my obsession with Snoopy when I was little). Better than the show with Mr. Hot and Mr. Cold (though I still love those guys. Who doesn't? Does anyone else think John Kerry looks kind of like Mr. Cold? Sorry, I digress.). In short, Rudolph rocks!! So naturally, I made us watch it. And loved it just as much, if not more, than usual. Much Christmas Joy. But it did generate some questions for me this year. Maybe you can help answer them. 1. Why does Rudolph's nose still sound all stuffed up - even when he takes off the fake nose? I have one word for Rudolph - Sudafed. 2. Why is Hermy the only elf with hair (except maybe the girl-elves)? No wonder all the other elves are so hostile towards him - flaunting his thick mane of hair and all. 3. Why, when Rudolph sneaks off from his friends in the middle of the night, does he leave the door to the little cabin wide open? I suspect that the sub-zero wind sweeping through the cabin tipped them off really quickly that he had left. 4. Why is the doll with the red hair on the Island of Misfit Toys? I see no perceptible flaw with her. Except maybe her lack of a nose. I think Rudolph should just give her the fake one. 5. How did the toys end up on that island anyways? I sense a Survivor spin-off in the making. 6. Is anyone else worried about Santa's obvious bingeing and purging whereby he has to gain like 75 pounds each Christmas in order to fit into his suit? Clearly not healthy. 7. How does Santa lose all that weight?? Many people could benefit from this information. 8. How exactly did they get at the Abominable Snowman to pull his teeth? That couldn't have been easy. Or fun. 9. Couldn't they have made the Abominable Snowman at least marginally scary instead of downright goofy? (OK, I admit it. I was afraid of him, but I was like 6 at the time.) 10. What is up with the very large Yukon Cornelius and his teeny-tiny sled dogs? Dude, you could find much more silver and gold if you had dogs that weigh more than you. Repeat after me: Get. Bigger. Dogs. That's it for now. But I'm sure I'll think of more. P.S. For anyone still wondering about the Cold Miser/John Kerry comparison, allow me to demonstrate:
Maybe I just have an active imagination, but at least it's better than looking like a chimp:
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