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4:43 PM
Get Out Your Wallets!
WARNING: This post contains what may be considered cynical and critical material (shocking coming from me), when what is really involved is charitable giving (which I support). If you feel you may be offended by such cynical criticism directed in a non-specific manner at third parties you probably don't know, please skip this post.
And now back to our regularly scheduled program . . .
As I mentioned in a prior post, my firm is into charitable acts (which is a good thing all in all. Yay firm!). In the past it has generally been limited to the Friday jeans fundraisers. But this year we are doing an entire "campaign" to encourage people to contribute to one of the local charities. We have had raffles (I even won something. Yay me!), a pizza party, a bake sale (I kid you not), jeans day, etc. It's just one big party over here this month. But tomorrow is the grand finale of the campaign. It is a live auction of various items donated by people here at the firm. Sounds good doesn't it? Well, in concept I think it is an excellent idea, but somehow, somewhere, things went awry on a variety of levels and I am left wondering if it is possible to keep my job without bidding on anything. Allow me to explain. Perhaps the best way is to provide you with some examples of things being auctioned off.
1. A weekend in Palm Springs at a partner's condo
Now doesn't this sound nice, at least on it's face? Who wouldn't want such a fabulous getaway? Well I haven't told you the key detail. It can be used only after April. In other words, redeemable only when it is unbelievably freakin' hot in Palm Springs. See the problem?
2. A weekend in Mammoth at another partner's condo (now I know why I wouldn't be a good partner - no second home).
Again, sounds good. Here's the limitation: again only available after April. Problem: Mammoth is primarily a ski resort. Ski season ends well before May. Again, problem is obvious.
3. A full estate plan done by one of the partners
Sounds great! Except I have no "estate" to speak of, and we get vastly reduced rates on firm services. I suppose I could use it to cook up some complicated scheme to ensure the cats are well cared for if they outlive us. . . hmmm. . .
4. A 4-night stay in a two story, 1-bedroom suite at the Peninsula Resort for two people, including breakfast
Sounds so promising. I thought I had found my bidding item. Again, yay me! Problem? The hotel is on Crete! As in Crete, the island off of Greece. Still sounds good? You have to use it by no later than March 31. I don't know about you, but I don't think I can throw together a trip to Greece in less than a month. And to fly all the way to Greece for 4 nights?
5. Various Meals with Attorneys In the Office
As in "Dinner for 4 with the managing partner".
I think this is self-explanatory.
6. A drive around with an OC Sheriff
This a sweeping generalization and I may be completely off base, but as a general rule, cops are not the biggest fans of lawyers (come to think of it, I don't know if we have any fans, much less a "biggest" one). So what I want to do is pay money to ride around with someone who probably doesn't like me on principle. Meanwhile, I'm putting myself at increased risk of getting shot or hurt or something similar. Sounds great! Sign me up!
As I said above, I think the auction is a nice gesture and I really do applaud everyone who came up with a donation. After all, I did not (I tried to come up with something fun and creative, but I was fresh out of ideas). The problem is that now I feel compelled to at least bid and I am sort of at a loss for what to bid on (ok, that isn't entirely true, there are a couple of items that I want - like a reserved parking space for 6 weeks, etc.). I already feel bad for anyone who contributed an item that receives no bids. But Crete?? Come on.
I think I also forgot to mention a key fact that is severely inhibiting my bidding. The firm received many many complaints from staff members that because the attorneys make more money, the staff members don't stand a chance at winning anything. So "to make things more fair" the bidding is weighted. As in bidding is done in straight dollars. Staff pays the bid price. Associates pay double the bid price. Partners pay triple (another reason not to be a partner). Seriously. Double and triple. I understand the staff's point but (1) I thought this was to raise as much money as possible. If you make the attorneys pay so much more they just won't bid at all (at least that is the general consensus around here) which means less money. And (2) life ain't fair. Last time I checked the staff wasn't supposed to be the beneficiary of this charitable endeavor.
In the next 23 hours I have to decide what, if anything, I should bid on. I'm just glad that I already got promoted. I don't really have to worry about getting fired over this. But I am still a bit lost about what to do.
Any advice appreciated.
P.S. Let me know if you want the trip to Crete. I'd be happy to bid for you (but you would have to pay double!) Or better yet, if you want dinner with my managing partner, you are gold!
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Wednesday, February 25, 2004
1:44 PM
Imagine you are a filmmaker. (I expect Dana to excel at this part. ) You decide to make a movie about the crucifixion of Christ. So off you go to shoot your movie. But during the course of shooting, movie crew members are struck by lightning not once, not twice, but THREE times! Yes, you read that correctly. Three lightning strikes. Don't believe me? Check this out: Electrifying Movie.
For those of you who haven't heard about it yet, I'm talking about Mel Gibson's new movie that opened today. It's called The Passion of the Christ and is about the final twelve hours of the life of Jesus Christ. Any of you who have heard about the movie have no doubt heard the various controversies surrounding the movie. First, Mel (yes, we are on a first name basis) claimed the Pope had endorsed the movie. The Vatican later said he did not. (I'll be he doesn't even remember watching it. No, I'm not criticizing the Pope, but he is, after all, not so young anymore and I certainly hope he is attending to far more important things than Mel's latest movie. Give the Pope a break and let him do his job instead of Gene Shalit's). Then there is the controversy about how it is allegedly anti-Semitic (it supposedly blames the Jews for the crucifixion).
I'm not going to get into a religious debate or even comment on the movie itself (having not seen it). Forget about all that controversy as it overlooks one key fact:
People were struck by lightning while making it!! Three times!!
As set forth in my linked article, one guy was struck twice, and another (the main actor, James Caviezel) was struck once. I don't know about you, but if I was on that crew, one lightning strike and I would have been out of there. And I have no choice but to wonder about the sanity of the guy who presumably kept working even after being struck two times. Forget about what the Pope says. Take the lightning as a sign!! How much clearer could it be??
I also have to wonder about Mel's sanity given that the movie is filmed entirely in Latin and Aramaic and Mel only recently agreed to allow the film to be subtitled. Just who exactly was going to be his audience? How many people know Latin these days, much less Aramaic? (I wonder how they know if they even got the Aramaic parts right?) And how many people out there actually know both? Maybe 2?
Again, no position from me about the topic or controversy. I just think that lightning, in itself, is enough of a sign for me. I think I'll wait and see if I hear anything about people being struck by lightning while viewing the movie before I decide whether or not to see it. Just in case.
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Tuesday, February 24, 2004
3:11 PM
Mmmm. Very tired. Had many pancakes for lunch. Too many it would seem. Now I am waiting for the pancake-induced coma to pass. Perhaps pancakes for lunch isn't/wasn't the brightest idea.
Anyone have a pancake antidote?
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10:13 AM
As most of you know, today is Fat Tuesday (or, if you want to be PC about it, "Plus Size Tuesday"). But did you know that today is also known as "Pancake Day"? Yes, a whole day more or less dedicated to Pancakes. In honor of this momentous day, I thought I would give my readers a little lesson in the history of Pancake Day. (If you already know all about Pancake Day, then you are excused from class. Go make pancakes instead!)
Pancake Day is the last day before the start of Lent and its related fasting. As a result, on Pancake Day people apparently would feast on pancakes to use up their supplies of fat, butter and eggs... foods forbidden during Lent.
I personally had never heard of this alleged "Pancake Day" until our paralegal started here a few years ago and needless to say, I was quite skeptical. Pancake Day?? I think not. But she told me about it, which prompted me to do some internet research (naturally). In case you are curious, here are a couple of links about Pancake Day (lest you think I am making this up). After all, if it's on the Internet, it must be true.
Pancake Day
More Pancakes
So today I will eat pancakes. I encourage you all to do the same.
Thus endeth the history/cooking lesson.
P.S. Did everyone already know this and I'm just reinforcing my pagan baby status??
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Monday, February 23, 2004
3:38 PM
As you can see from the top of my site, I've added a new link. Apparently I've actually started to get hits on my website based on searches people run on internet search engines. How bizarre is that??
For example, just this afternoon, an unwitting internet user searched Google for "front yard landscaping socal" and there is our site on the very first page! Actually, other people have linked over to the site searching for various landscaping info (ok, so only 3 searches have lead to my site so far, but still . . .)
In an effort to keep any potential readers, I added the link above to take them right to the yard pics. I am such a fabulous person. I like to think of this as my contribution to society.
Meanwhile, as I try to suck up to as many readers as possible, I'll try to come up with a better contribution.
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Saturday, February 21, 2004
12:28 PM
I am a hockey widow. Yes, unfortunately it is sad but true.
Mark is still very much alive. And he hasn't taken up real hockey. In fact he isn't even watching real hockey. He's playing XBox NHL 2004. And has been for many hours. And no doubt will be for many many more to come.
The game consists of pretending to be the general manager of the team of your choosing. You have to build up and manage your team, entice people to come watch and root for your team (and thereby make money), negotiate player trades, etc. In other words, it really isn't all that different from what we do every day at work. Manage cases. Entice Judges to rule in our favor and thereby make money. Negotiate deals. I see a pattern developing. It isn't a good one.
Now, when we flip though the TV channels and we come across hockey (in HD of course - the only thing worthy of changing the TV from the Xbox is HD), Mark makes comments about the players like "I used to have him on my team but his shooting wasn't up to par." I just look at him trying to focus on one of the millions of questions swarming my brain (like "You understand that it is just a game right?") but by the time my mind actually singles out a question he's back to critiquing the real general managers. He does know that it is just a game right?
It's ok. Being a hockey widow isn't bad. I'm used to it. I used to be a Tiger Woods Golf widow and a Rally Sport car racing widow. I come from a family of widows. We all know Barb is a widow too with all the time dad spends on all his computer. And now I have lots of time for other things. Like posting an update on a weekend (usually unheard of). But lest any of you get worried, I have no plans to be as productive as Barb. I think there is room for just one SuperWoman in this family. And the tiara fits her much better.
The good news is that at least I know Mark won't lose his teeth in his virtual hockey world.
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Friday, February 20, 2004
2:33 PM
My Firm is extremely conservative and, among other things (like Presidents' Day), it does not believe in casual Friday. I think you could almost say the Firm is morally opposed to it. The same goes for "business casual." So while just about every other firm in California (really the entire country), big and small, switched over to quasi-casual dress, we were stuck in our suits, day after day. And if the topic of casual dress or even, God forbid, casual Friday is ever raised, we are treated to stories like "I remember when the Firm was new, people would wear suits to the office six days a week" (thereby reinforcing that not only will we never have casual anything, but we clearly aren't working hard enough either). I guess that is the Firm version of "When I was a kid I had to walk five miles to school in the snow without shoes after eating only bark for breakfast." I really could do without either tale of woe.
Why bore you with this little bit of Firm trivia? Because here I sit in my office in JEANS!! Really. Yes, it is a shocking turn of events (No, Auntie Lo, I'm not going to get fired). Over the years I have learned that there is an occasional exception to the rules ("occasional" means that this is the third time in 5.5 years - I guess that's more like "rarely"). Usually it involves a charity fundraiser. Actually, now that I think about it, it always does. Apparently jeans are ok if and only if they benefit someone else.
Today's charity is Orange County United Way. For the small fee of $5 each and every one of us could wear jeans today. Naturally I jumped at the chance and thereby earned the right to be in jeans today. I was very excited about it all week. And here I am, jeans and all. (I do have a black blazer though lest I feel too un-lawyerly).
But you know what? I'm not loving it. For a couple of reasons.
First of all, I am having a hard time facing the fact that I'm at work. I'm in comfy jeans and a sweater (ok, so I really just brought the blazer with me. It's on the back of my chair) and feel like I really should be at home or doing something fun. In short, I'm not in work mode. I'm in relax mode. Except that I've been working my butt off all day and now my body is completely confused. It keeps asking my brain "What's up with all the work? We're wearing jeans after all!" My body, brain and I are just not used to the concept of jeans in the grown up work world. I'm so confused.
Second of all, I can see why the Firm generally vetos the idea because man oh man is it a slippery slope, and not in a good direction. Apparently wearing "jeans" to work really means wearing "whatever you want" to work. We've got low rider jeans with cropped tops (not good). We have jeans and t-shirts (slightly better but still not great). We have old scraggly looking jeans (never, ever good). We have people who should never, I repeat, never wear jeans wearing jeans (or they have just chosen particularly bad jeans). I'm not even sure that all these people work here but suspect that they just came here today because they heard jeans are allowed and wanted to be in on it. It's a pretty motley crew.
I'm sure that this opportunity will come up again and I'll not only participate, but I will even be excited about it again (as I was today). But next time I'll have a little chat with my body first to make sure it understands what's in store. Because now I'm tired, and my body doesn't seem to be grasping that there is no nap in our future. At all. (sigh)
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Wednesday, February 18, 2004
2:22 PM
(aka - I Love My Couch)
Never really understood that phrase. But after the past week or so, I think I more or less get it. Ok, so I haven't been that sick, but it's amazing how much difference it makes being able to breathe (yes, I know this is a new and shocking piece of information - Who knew?).
I spent about 90 percent of my weekend on the family room couch (which is my new best friend). After two full days of couch time I had hoped to be better. But, alas, my hopes were dashed and the pernicious cold lingered. In any event, I'm back, more or less, to my old self. First full day at work this week. Because I've missed posting for the past several days, allow me to catch you up.
Monday
As I posted briefly on the actual day, I have the misfortune of working in an office that doesn't close for Presidents' Day. Actually, that's not really true. What my firm should have said is "All of you salaried and hourly employees are fully expected to come in work, be productive, and make the Firm money on this Federal holiday. But don't expect the same of any of the partners. They will be spending the day golfing or with their families or just relaxing, but certainly not working. But they will call periodically to make sure you are working."
Sounds like a great plan. If you are a partner. The only wrench in the works is that just about every other business in the nation (including all courts) are closed. (Another shocking news flash - we do a lot of stuff with the courts, but not on Federal holidays!) Which means you can't call anyone you need to talk to. You can't file anything with any courts or agencies. So how are you supposed to be productive? It wasn't easy. But I did have a meeting in the office with some clients and potential investors.
The fundamental flaw with the Work On A Federal Holiday Plan was further compounded by my bright red nose, hacking cough, and watery eyes. I'll leave it to you to guess how well the people in my meeting reacted to being in the same room with me. It wasn't pretty (No comments please about how it wasn't the cold that was the issue). And it was a short meeting (hmmm, wonder why?). Luckily I got the heck out of the office as soon as I could after my meeting. And went back to my wonderful couch. Where I convalesced like a pro.
Tuesday
Nose: Slightly less red. Eyes: slightly less watery. Cough worse. On Tuesday I learned that even Judges take no pity on a poor woman standing in front of them hacking her lungs out. As you may have guessed, I had hearings most of the day on Tuesday. And they didn't go well. Not only did I hack my way through them, but lost dismally. It wasn't pretty (even without the red nose). So I ran home and hid on my wonderful couch, where I resumed the convalescing. I love that couch.
Wednesday
Apparently the couch does indeed have magical restorative powers as I feel much better today. Still hacking, but not as bad. No red nose or watery eyes. I do sound a bit like a frog though, but even that is an improvement. Rrribitt. So back to work for me. No more couch.
But I did get to have lunch with Erin and Skinny B.
I would just like to point out the inherent injustice in the world. While I sit here slaving away (or writing this post, whatever), the two of them are shopping it up over at South Coast Plaza! I was robbed. And they have the nerve to do that and flaunt it (ok, so maybe I'm the one flaunting it) after I was nice enough to not only drive them to lunch in the fabulous new Lexus, but to demonstrate the Psychotic Windshield Wipers From Hell and my nemesis, the French Lady. Apparently I'm just too nice. No more. (I'm just kidding - I hope they are having a fabulous time.)
I think I'm about ready to go home and visit my real friend - the Wonderful Couch.
Only a few short hours. . . .
P.S. I did get to watch some TV and movies. I finally saw Lost In Translation . I agree with Dana's review. I really liked it. Bill Murray was classic. How can you convey so much with simple facial expressions??
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Monday, February 16, 2004
8:57 AM
WARNING: WHINING TO FOLLOW
As happened to Dana, our Valentines' Day also involved a sickie - me. I'm on day 12 of a sore throat/cold thing that decided to get a lot worse on Thursday. And it just isn't going away.
I spent most of the weekend laying on the couch with my trusty box of tissues. I even had to cancel our plans to have Colleen, Terry, Erin, et al. over for lunch yesterday (sorry guys!)
To make matters worse, my office isn't even closed today. And my boss is on vacation this week. And we have things going on that I absolutely have to be here for. (Sigh). So here I sit with my red nose waiting to cover a meeting at noon so that then I can go climb back into my bed. Wah.
How's everyone else?
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Friday, February 13, 2004
8:27 AM
I know that most of my readers are not the reality TV junkies that we are. In fact, I'm not sure if any of you are even watching The Apprentice (you really should be, it is hi-larious!). In order to avoid losing my precious audience, I'll spare you any sort of play-by-play summary of last night's show. Instead, I will try to distill the show thus far down to some basic concepts for survival that we can all use in daily life.
1. If Donald Trump Is Speaking To You, Don't Interrupt.
I know this one will really come in handy for each and every one of you given how often you run into The Donald. But I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't give you this tip just in case.
This tip stems for watching a whole series of Apprentices interrupt Trump in the final meetings during which an Apprentice is always fired. Usually they interrupt him as he is telling them something they did wrong or he didn't like. So what's the thinking there? "Yes, Trump is criticizing me (perhaps in a constructive way) so the best response is to cut him off, talk over him, and irritate him even more." Yeah, that's the way not to get fired.
In actuality, "Don't Interrupt" is a good rule, applicable to life in general, even without Trump's presence. Given that I'm a prime offender in the interrupting department (but am constantly working on it), I'll try to take my own advice. But at least I know enough not to interrupt my boss, husband, parents, cats, etc. when they are pissed.
2. When Talking to Isaac Mizrahi, Make Sure You Can Pronounce His Name
Again, I'm sure this will come in handy for my trusty readers. Next time you are at fashion week rubbing elbows with the fashion trend-setters of the world, you are all set!
Why a reminder of this rule? Last night the Apprentices were trying to convince designer Isaac Mizrahi to donate something to a charity auction. But one of the main people talking to him couldn't freakin' pronounce his name!!! In fact, it was a problem that she realized from the outset and had plenty of opportunity to work on, but when push came to shove, she said something like "Mr. Mizari." No happy face from Isaac.
This really is just a matter of common sense and is useful in everyday life as well. If you don't know someone's name or if you do know and just don't know how to pronounce it, either DON'T USE IT or fake it somehow in a credible manner. Emphasis on "credible".
There is a corollary to this rule. If you are around people with any sort of regularity, I have a tip: LEARN THEIR NAMES! If you don't know people's names just out of laziness then you are in big trouble. We had an associate who worked here for about 6 months who didn't manage to learn anyones' names. He called everyone the same thing. Whenever you saw him it was "Hey, you." Seriously. Every time. Day after day. Month after month. And you could see the wheels in his brain spinning and spinning (albeit slowly - sort of like a hamster in a wheel) as he tried to come up with a name. The first couple of times it was understandable because we do have a big office and he was new. But 4-5 months down the road when you have been around these people, gone to lunch with them, worked with them, you had better know their names. Anyone care to guess what happened to him?? (The inability to learn names was the least of his problems.)
3. Don't Call Regis Philbin "Phil"
Sorry, this is really the same as the prior rule, but I think Regis deserves his own section. Poor Phil - oops - I mean Regis. I also think that it was questionable when one of the Apprentices called him "Reej." Time for another corollary, unless a person is an actual friend of yours and you know they go by a nickname, don't use a nickname. Especially one that sounds lame.
4. Don't Act Like You Like People That You Really Despise
(aka - Stand Up For Yourself)
Seems pretty self-evident doesn't it? But, again and again, these silly Apprentices fail to be honest about how they really feel! Last night, one of the people was downright rude (Trump pointed this out to her several times in a very harsh manner). He then asked the target of the rudeness if the target liked Ms. Quintessential Rudeness. The target actually said yes!!! Whaaaat? And this answer cost her her place on the show. Trump got rid of the target because she was too "nice".
Unfortunately, one message from Trump's choice is that it is better to be a b*#ch than to be nice, and I strongly disagree. But in reality (no pun intended) I think his message was more that you need to stand up for yourself and if you don't, you won't make it in the world (which is generally true).
So there you have it. A few tips to help you get by better in every day life and to get along with your fellow man/woman. Go forth with the foregoing tips and report back about the huge different they have made in your life.
P.S. If you do happen to run into Isaac Mizrahi, just sound it out phonetically. Duh!
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Thursday, February 12, 2004
8:12 AM
Mark, having also been stuck in Traffic From Hell yesterday, announced last night that he was going to get up earlier today in hopes of avoiding another day of Southern California Traffic Torture. Sounded like a good idea at the time.
But at 5:30 this morning, when the alarm went off, I realized that he is insane (Who knew?). 5:30 is really just too early. For anything. It's still dark. It's cold. Even the cats are smart enough to stay in bed at that hour.
But up we got. (Apparently insanity is contagious. Everyone please take note.)
After stumbling around the cold, dark house (until reaching a light switch that is), I realized a few things. First of all, the lights in my closet are way too dim. They barely create shadows even. It's more like mood lighting that anything useful. I sincerely think that candles would probably throw off more light. The good news on this front is that now I know where to have our romantic Valentines' Day dinner.
After a few moments in the closet, aka the Cave, I realized that it is much harder to pick out clothes when you can't see them (I'm still not sure my outfit even matches today - I'll let you know when I'm actually awake).
Second of all, the lights in my bathroom are way too bright. Why oh why did the builder make it so bright in the bathroom and yet so dim in the closet? First you go nearly blind and then, when you move to adjoining closet, it takes several minutes for you to first, stop seeing spots and second, adjust your eyes to the Cave. These are things you just don't think of when looking at houses. Perhaps this is some sort of bizarre builder humor.
But soon it was time to head out into the still cold but, by this point, much lighter world.
The good news is that traffic was much better (even on the free route). However, just as 5:30 is too early to get up, 7:45 (the time I pulled in to the parking structure) is way too early to arrive at work. Again, it's mostly dark because no one else has really arrived yet and thus, no one has turned on the lights. (Brief sidebar - how is it possible to work in an office for over 5 years and yet not know where the light switches are? I'm not sure, but I am living proof that it happens!). It's cold. And I'm sure that the cats are still in bed. I hate them.
I suppose the good news is that not only do I have time to get a cappuccino this morning, but I had time to post an entry for all my loyal readers.
But I have decided that I really want to be one of my cats. Even for just a day. Like today.
P.S. Re the closet lights: For anyone who is thinking - "Duh! Just put in different bulbs." We tried that. Apparently the closet fixtures are rated for 60 watt bulbs. We changed them to 100 watt and it shorted out the fixtures. We now have 60 watt halogens - at my dad's suggestion - but though they are brighter, it's still quite dim. So the only solution at this point is to replace the fixtures. And how am I supposed to do that in the dark??? (Ok, so there is a window in there, but, for now, we are far to lazy, and tired, to change the fixtures themselves.)
P.P.S. Not sure I can eat any more chili. Need volunteers to come finish it.
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Wednesday, February 11, 2004
10:08 AM
By the way, we had chili for dinner again last night. Even better than the first night . . .
And I found yet another jar of capers in my fridge. I think I'm going to blame the Lexus Frenchie (no idea why, she is just my new scapegoat).
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9:46 AM
Did I miss a news story about a sudden influx of several million people into Southern California? Based on the traffic the past week or so, it would seem that I did. (Perhaps I have been focusing too much on the goofy news stories from my earlier posts.)
The disadvantage of the beautiful place I live is that it is about 20 miles from my office. In normal areas, that really shouldn't be an issue, but in SoCal it can be hell. Traffic generally isn't all that bad. Takes about 25-30 minutes to get to work. A few spots of stop and go, but usually it's tolerable. Until the past week or so that is.
Take today for example. I leave home a little after 8:00, cautiously optimistic that I'll be able to get in by about 8:30 with plenty of time to chat with my paralegal Debbie and perhaps even to get coffee. Alas, my hopes were cruelly dashed about 5 miles from home when I hit bumper to bumper traffic with no end in sight. No problem, I'm still able to take the toll road at that point and decide that I just can't stomach the traffic and am willing to pay the unreasonable toll to retain my sanity (to toll road is an occasional treat saved for special occasions or desperate times - kind of like chocolate). So I detour over to the toll road. Ahhhh. All is well. Sanity intact. Little did I know that my sanity was to be a very temporary state.
After a few all too brief minutes of speedy driving my happiness ended. What is this? More bumper to bumper traffic!! How is this possible? So there I am, again, sitting in bumper to bumper traffic, even more frustrated than before.
I determined many years ago during a particularly bad traffic experience in LA that, for me, hell would be being stuck in unending traffic (yes, I know that there are much worse things, but after 3 hours of such traffic you really aren't thinking straight). And today I was in that hell again. To add insult to injury, I was still sitting in bumper to bumper traffic at the exact moment when I passed through the electronic device that debits your toll account. Like I needed to be reminded that I was not only in hell, but paying handsomely for it. I revise my prior statement - paying to be in unending bumper to bumper traffic is even worse than normal hellish traffic. If I wanted to sit in traffic, I could do that for free back on the 5 freeway!
Fortunately, the traffic did let up after a few miles and I was able to finish the drive in relative peace. But I still got in later than planned and didn't have time to get coffee. So here I sit drinking green tea, which we all know is nowhere near as good (but probably better for me).
A brief recap of my day thus far:
1) Horrible traffic;
2) Paying to sit in the aforementioned horrible traffic;
3) No cappuccino.
I sincerely hope my day improves. The only silver lining I can think of is that because I wasn't driving the Lexus I didn't have the ubiquitous French Lady mocking me during my Hideous and Expensive Traffic Experience.
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Tuesday, February 10, 2004
4:13 PM
With both of us working full time, you can imagine that we don't really do a formal sit down dinner each and every night. (Ok, so we don't do it much at all, unless you consider eating take out in front of the TV formal!) I am truly boggled by those who can work a full day, every day (like Skinny B for example) and then go home and cook a meal that involves more than about 3 ingredients (In my world salt and pepper count as ingredients, which severely limits the field). I can usually manage to do this a couple of times a week, but every day? No way. However, last night was one of those exceptional days when I actually cooked. I decided to be a good little wife and make my hard working hubby dinner. We had even planned for this possibility and had bought the makings for homemade chili (perhaps not the most glamorous, romantic, or complicated, but it has a lot more than 3 ingredients, so it counts). So I arrive home from work, ready to assume my role as a domestic goddess.
Remind me to get takeout next time.
Being the type "A" person that I am, I must first gather and organize all my ingredients. Meat, beans, tomatoes and tomato sauce, seasonings, green chilis, onion, garlic. Wait a moment! I can't find any garlic. Check the bowl with the onions, nope. Check the pantry, nope. Oh well, I guess I'll have to use the quasi-fresh lazy-man's garlic that they sell in jars which you keep in the refrigerator. Or at least, used to keep in the refrigerator. I can't find that either! So I start the Quest For Garlic in earnest, knowing that there must be some somewhere in the kitchen. How could I possibly be out of garlic? How in the world have I been keeping the vampires away?
Pantry Shelf Number 1: No garlic, but I do have a can of artichoke hearts for artichoke dip. I'm sure that you have all heard the story of The Great Christmas Oven Fire of 2003, and are well aware that I'll never be using that can. Anyone need any artichoke hearts?
Shelf number 2: Again, no garlic. But I do have an unopened jar of capers. Very useful. How could I have capers but no garlic? I also have a package of ground semolina back from when I bought my pasta machine and envisioned myself cranking out tons of fabulous fresh pasta. Anyone care to guess how many times I've used the pasta machine?
Shelf number 3: Guess what? No garlic. But I do have about 4 different kinds of flour (white, bread, rye, wheat and another one I can't remember now) back from when I insisted I HAD to have a bread machine. Again, I envisioned myself baking loaf after loaf of wonderful fresh bread (yes, I know that you don't have to have a bread machine to make bread). I did use the bread machine more regularly. However, I quickly learned that they sell bread machine bread mixes which come out much better than anything I could concoct. So now I have much flour and no use for it (I'll have to check with Nicole on this). By they way, I also have at least half a dozen of the bread mixes too. I really need to make bread more often. Just as soon as I find the garlic. . .
Shelf Number 4: (Sigh). Still no garlic. But there are many bottles of wine that could make the looking more tolerable.
On to Re-Check the Refrigerator.
Top Shelf: Marinated Sun-Dried Tomatoes. What's up with that? I really really am a yuppie, what with the capers and Sun-Dried Tomatoes. If only I had a portabella mushroom I think I could make one heck of a meal! No garlic though. But I do have the box of baking soda to fight any garlic odor.
Second shelf: Blah blah blah. Still no garlic. Or on any other shelves for that matter.
Finally, I give up. The chili will have no garlic.
At this point, I look at the recipe I'm using. Guess which ingredient is not on the list??
This is why I love takeout.
P.S. I did make the chili and it came out fabulously, even without garlic. But I made enough for most of the troops in Iraq. Anyone want some?
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Monday, February 09, 2004
10:22 AM
If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to chime in!
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Friday, February 06, 2004
2:26 PM
In watching the news the past couple of days, two stories caught my eye, primarily because of the sharp contrast between the two. So I felt the need to share.
Life is Like a Box of Chocolates
(aka - Too Bad You Can't Pick Your Children)
I submit for your review, two recent news articles about two vastly different teens:
Child Number 1
Child Number 2
Here is a brief summary:
Once upon a time, two couples each decide that adding a child to their family would be a good thing. And off they went on the joyful/horrifying road of parenting. Screaming infant. Lack of Sleep. Diapers. Potty training. Homework. Car pooling. Piano recitals. Aaargh!
14-17 years later, here are your possible outcomes:
1) 14 year old Golden Key International Honor Society winner, graduating next Friday with highest honors, summa cum laude, from Stony Brook University. She intends to start working toward her PhD in protein folding, which is a kind of biophysics, and should lead to a cure for Alzheimer's disease and mad cow disease (Other than the age, this is starting to sound perilously close to a personal ad or resume!)
2) 17 year old high school student who has applied for work study credit for working at - wait for it - HOOTERS!!!!
Granted, I don't even know what the Golden Key International Honor Society is, but it sounds pretty good to me (I suspect I am already a member, but have forgotten that fact due to my advancing age). But curing Alzheimers/Mad Cow is all good.
Thank God the school denied the work study application!
The article about the miracle child says nothing about her parents (they were at least smart enough to keep their mouths shut), but I note that Young Miss Hooters' father is incensed that she isn't getting school credit for her work. What? (And naturally is thinking of suing - lord help us. I would love to see the complaint he intends to file!). What father lets his 17 year old daughter work at hooters?!? And has the balls to expect her to get school credit for it?? What in-school class would be the equivalent? (And if anyone says anything about juggling, I just might ban you!) The manager of the Hooters in question (the restaurant that is) goes so far as to tout the "family atmosphere" of the restaurant. They even have a kid's menu! (I'm not even going to go there - too scary.)
What if I have kids and end up with a Hooters daughter (which is pretty unlikely given my physique, but it could happen)?? Then again, I'm not sure I want a 14 year old who has been able to outsmart me for years. That's the problem with having kids - you never know what you're going to get.
At least for now, I think I'll forego the kids and just assume I'd get the genius.
Maybe I could at least have a kid who could figure out how to use all the features on the Lexus. I don't think that's too much to ask.
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Thursday, February 05, 2004
1:22 PM
Psychological evaluation indeed! Everyone please join me in hoping that this never happens in any courtroom I'm in!
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11:03 AM
You Know You Are Getting Old When . . .
1. People consistently call you "Ma'am." I know it's supposed to be respectful, but they might as well just call me Granny and be done with it.
2. You own a Lexus. This fact is only underscored when you don't even know how to use it.
3. You not only own, but use a pill organizer. (Ok so this has more to do with the RA than the age, but it still makes me feel like I'm about a gazillion years old.)
4. The "attorneys" who come to interview for jobs in your office look much closer in age to your younger brothers than you. Really. I suppose this could be because they actually are closer in age, but I prefer to just think that they are all child prodigies. Clearly it can't be that I'm just not so young anymore. . .
5. People you have known since you were about 10 now hire you and pay a ludicrous amount of money for your "expertise."
6. Staying up "late" means any time after 10 p.m. (God, I really am pathetic and OLD! But I'm also tired.) I figure that my cats sleep about 16 hours a day. I'm just trying to keep up.
7. "Sleeping in" means, at the latest, 8 a.m. Have to get up to take those pills after all!
8. People from your high school class now play parents on the hip new shows like "the OC". Granted, the "kids" look quite mature for their alleged ages, but still parents??
9. Just about everyone your age has kids. (Hmm, I wonder if this could explain the OC phenomenon? Never!)
10. You finished law school nearly a decade ago! How in the world did that happen? I swear I just graduated. . .
But I suppose it is not all bad. . .
Things That Are Cool About Being a Grown Up
1. You own a Lexus. And get to have the pleasure of figuring out how to work the automatic lights and windshield wipers.
2. People you have known since you were about 10 now hire you and pay a ludicrous amount of money for your "expertise."
3. People from your high school class are on hip new shows like "the OC".
4. You no longer look as young and clueless as the young "attorneys" who come to interview for jobs in your office.
5. You can get up and go to bed whenever you darn well please. So there.
6. Law school is becoming just a distant memory . . . (or maybe my memory is just beginning to fail.)
That's all I can think of for now, but feel free to chime in. Meanwhile, I need to use my walker to get to the kitchen so I can make some noise . . .
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Tuesday, February 03, 2004
10:10 AM
I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the Lexus did indeed start last night when I left work. The bad news is that the lady in the dashboard apparently has internet access and frequents my website. I know this because yesterday evening the Lexus managed to come up with an entirely new way to annoy me. Three words: Automatic Windshield Wipers.
Alas, the fabulous California weather gave way to rain last night. Which started right about the time I had to drive home (naturally). I haven't had to use the wipers on the Lexus yet and it was dark, so I really had no idea what I was doing (not a rarity in my life). But given the rain, as I pulled out of the parking structure (with my lights already on, thanks to the overly intelligent Lexus) I reached to turn on my wipers. I did manage to get them functioning, but at a speed fast enough to actually keep rain from even hitting the windshield. Too frenetic for me. I felt my blood pressure rising. So I tried to turn them down. No luck. I tried moving the little handle up and down. I got washer fluid (like I needed more water) but no change in speed. I tried rotating the little knob on the handle. Still no appreciable difference. At this point the people stacking up behind me trying to get out of the garage were giving me strange looks (I think this is the same set of people who witnessed my Headlight issues described yesterday). I decided that the time had come to just suck it up and head out into the wet world.
There I am, driving along, trying to ignore the wipers moving at the speed of light, when I notice them slowing down. On their own. What? How is this possible? And then they speed up a bit. And slow down. And slow down even more. Then frenetic speed again. At this point I'm stumped. So I turn them off entirely because they are starting to freak me out. Driving along trying to figure out what next, I look in my rearview mirror and see that the rear window wiper is still going like crazy. I didn't even remember having a rear wiper and have no idea how that got turned on (turns out that rotating the knob on the handle controls that one). Yay! I figured something out - progress was being made. But I still needed front wipers as it really was raining quite a bit. So I try the handle again. Again, I get the mind of their own, "I set my own speed" routine.
I spent the rest of the ride home fixated on the varying speeds of the wipers (while driving safely and obeying all traffic laws of course). The thing is that based upon my careful assessment of the wipers, it seems that there is no rhyme or reason to how fast they go. At times they are so fast, and yet there is just mist. Meanwhile, while it's pouring, they dawdle.
This morning, in the rain-free light of day, I looked at the various controls. I think I may understand them a bit better, but am confident I will forget by the next time it rains.
The moral of the story is: Don't piss off the on-board computer on your Lexus. There is still a whole world of pain it can inflict.
In closing, I'd just like to say - I LOVE MY LEXUS. Really. But tell the French lady in the dash that I do prefer directions in English.
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Monday, February 02, 2004
3:46 PM
I love technology. I have just about every gadget there is and use them all often. Computer. Cell phone. Cable TV. Satellite TV (yes we have both and yes we know it's overkill). Digital Camera. DVD players. Xbox. Big TVs. You name it we've got it. I have about 4 different e-mail accounts. Voicemail at work, home and on my cell.
I thought I was pretty well covered. Then we got our new car. We decided to own up to being the yuppies that we are and bought a Lexus - an SUV though so at least it isn't a totally yuppified sedan (though I must admit that these days maybe an SUV is even more yuppie - I'll have to think about that). Anyway. . .
So the new Lexus has things that are so superfluous that even I, Techno Queen, think they are silly. For example, it has a DVD player and screen for the back seat. Those of you who know us know that we have no kids. It's just us. And three cats. So unless either (a) one of us drives and the other sits in back or (b) we decide the take the cats with us, ain't no one going to be watching a DVD in the car. (Please note that taking the cats in the car is slightly less pleasant than bathing them, so that clearly won't be happening. And if it did they wouldn't watch. They are CATS!) Anyone up for movie night in the Lexus?
It also has one of those nifty little navigation systems on the dashboard that has a map showing where you are all the time. You can also program in your destination and the nice lady in the dash board will direct you where you need to go. This aspect of the car held our interest for at least a week or two. Then it gets annoying having her tell you when to turn, how far to the next turn, where you are, to slow down, eat your vegetables, touch up your lipstick, etc. (Ok, so all she really does is give driving directions, but she gives a lot of them, over and over). We even tried converting her to a French woman and even that failed to amuse us for more than a few minutes (maybe because we had no idea what she is saying. Perhaps this is the big break I have been looking for in training to direct traffic in Paris!). So now it's really just a map we can look at all the time. Which isn't all bad. It even shows the ocean in blue. Mmm. Pretty. And if you get really lonely on your drive home, she is there for you.
The one feature that it has that I just can't get used to is the automatic lights. When you set it to this mode, it senses light and turns the lights on and off as needed. Great in concept. Except that when you park and it's dark, it has a delay feature. The lights don't turn out for 30 seconds. Which means that every day when I get to work and park in the dark garage, I get out, see the lights on and wonder "Is it really set to automatic mode and they will go off in a bit or did I just put them on normal and my car will be dead in a couple of hours?" Every single time I drive the Lexus I have this debate (the other car's lights go off when you turn the car off - now that's a good car!). The first few times I would either go back and check or I would hover uncomfortably in the garage looking for them to go out (they always did, but I had to stop in light of some of the strange looks I was getting). So far, no dead battery and now I'm even throwing caution to the wind and leaving without doing either! Definitely progress for me. But I must admit that as I type this I'm starting to wonder if the car will start when I leave today. . .
Maybe a little less technology would be fine.
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