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Tuesday, June 29, 2004
9:31 AM

Patriot Squirrels?
Run for you lives!! Squirrels are taking over the country! Seriously. I thought it was just confined to our little slice of heaven in Dana Point (who could blame them for wanting to live there after all?). But now I realize that I was horribly mistaken. I have grossly underestimated the power and tenacity of the squirrels. The squirrels are slowly but surely implementing their plan to seize control of the country (maybe even the world - we'll have to keep an eye on that).

Watching the news this morning, I learned that we are far from alone in our squirrel woes. In fact, our problems have pretty much disappeared since we stopped filling the bird feeders. We see a squirrel or two every now and then, but the squirrel frenzy has definitely declined. Silly me thought that the squirrels had learned their lesson and would henceforth live in harmony with humans. Bad baaad Sarah. Apparently the squirrels just moved to Iowa.

Squirrels cannot be so easily thwarted. They have an extremely broad and organized network that advances the squirrel agenda. And they have very strange taste. See for example: Thieving Squirrel.

A family in Iowa was repeatedly tying yellow ribbons to the trees in their yard in support of their soldier son and other troops in Iraq. Problem was that the ribbons kept disappearing. Over and over and over. For months and months, they kept hanging new ones which, in turn, disappeared. When the family noticed that only the ribbons in their yard were disappearing, they asked their neighbors if anyone had seen any kids, ruffians, hooligans, etc. taking the ribbons. No one saw anything.

So the family did what any self-respecting family would do: set up a camera. Yes, you read that right. They aimed their video camera at the tree and taped to see what would happen. Lo and behold, they caught a squirrel shimmying up the tree, stealing the ribbon and running away with it. Yay for the squirrel cam!!

I'm not sure what the squirrel(s) were doing with all those ribbons. Maybe the squirrels wanted to show support for their squirrel counter-parts in Iraq. Or maybe they just wanted to look pretty. Who knows.

The problem is that now I want a squirrel cam too.

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Friday, June 25, 2004
4:49 PM

Catch 22
I realized the fundamental problem with my job just minutes ago.

I have a case that I have now been working on for over 3 years. And apparently it is no where near over. That's fine. It's an interesting case with lots of interesting issues. Even fun at times (fun if you are a geeky lawyer who actually likes to do legal research and writing that is).

But I realized that you really can exist in only one of two states.

Option 1:You live, breathe, sleep, eat your cases. They consume you. You get all worked up about every little thing that comes up. The upside to this option is that it's nice being passionate about what you do. It's also much more "fun" to be so excited about work. The downside is that work then consumes you. You wake up in the middle of the night worrying about little details. You can actually feel your blood pressure rise when you get some boneheaded document from the other side. You barrage your spouse and family with inane stories about the other side's latest maneuvering. In short, you have a great quality of life at work, but not so much at home. And your family considers taking out a contract on you.

Option 2:
You do the work but refuse to let it consume you. You care but not so overwhelmingly. After all it isn't your life, money, etc. I'm not saying you don't do good work, but your attitude is just a bit different. The result is that you have inherently less interest in your cases. You do the work but don't get all worked up about it. The drawbacks to this approach are obvious. Time passes much more slowly on work days. The positives are that you actually can have a life outside of work. And your family will consider withdrawing the contract.

I'm caught somewhere between the two and don't know how to move into one camp or another. I get documents and get all worked up. But I can't get motivated to really get into it. I think that after all the crap I've seen in this case, I'm just tired of this guy and his sliminess. I'm disillusioned with how low some people will sink. And the fact that we keep winning is only small consolation. He refuses to quit and I have to keep beating at him and beating at him. (Ok, the winning is better than I give it credit for.)

Sorry for the rant but I am dreading that I will spend the weekend obsessing over the latest documents I received today.

Maybe if I ask nicely my family can transfer to contract over to this guy. (Just kidding obviously!!)

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Thursday, June 24, 2004
2:24 PM

Plagiarized Post
I'm not feeling very creative today, but I got this in an e-mail today and thought it was quite entertaining. I'll try to muster up a real post soon.

Sixteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn
by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL thought for the day:

16. Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

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Wednesday, June 23, 2004
9:10 AM

Outback Jack
For all of you reality TV fans, I insist that you tune in to the new show on TBS. It's called Outback Jack and it is conveniently on right after the Sex and The City reruns on TBS, so you can segue right from one to the other. In any event, if you love reality TV, I can almost guarantee you will love this show.

The premise is pretty much the same as the Bachelor - 1 guy and 12 girls all allegedly looking for true love (or more likely a future career in Hollywood) on national television. But the guy (Jack) is this Australian outback dude (who is not bad to look at by the way). The girls are the usual 12 pampered divas with lots of makeup and, how shall I put this, many after market add-ons. The difference is that instead of putting the girls in some luxury house while they go on fabulous dates and try to convince the guy how perfect they are, all while stabbing each other in the back, the show drops the girls off in the middle of the Australian outback. And by drop off, I mean literally drops off. They had to parachute out of a plane. I also might add that they were all still in the evening gowns that they wore to impress the man of their or someone else's dreams (it was pretty funny watching them try to get their gowns into the skydiving jumpsuits).

These were some really unhappy girls.

When they landed, they were in the middle of nowhere. They then had to hike to a very rustic camp with no running water and no electricity (and I guarantee you that there were at least 3 dozen electric hair styling tools in these ladies' bags). (It was also quite funny watching 12 women dressed in fancy gowns and high heels try to roll their rolly suitcases across the rocky terrain of Australia. Forget about the ad with the monkey's beating up on the suitcases - it doesn't hold a candle to this.) After realizing that there are no electrical outlets, one asked "What about air conditioning?" Jack then explained that the only A/C was the non-existent breeze through camp. Again, really really unhappy women. A few almost cried.

The good news (at least for us) is that the camp did have lots of bugs. Lots and lots. More than I have ever seen in one place. And even better, the bugs were really really big. And we all know how much high maintenance women like big bugs. Especially when there are a gazillion of them.

After one night in the completely not bug free but entirely breeze free tents, and after taking un-heated showers (with the water being pumped by another girl), and trying to do their hair and makeup sans electricity, they packed up the camp. The girls each had to carry a huge backpack to the next location. I think you could probably have fit at least two of the women into each pack (given how skinny they all are) so it was very amusing watching the women try to carry these packs. I certainly couldn't have. Much whining again ensued.

One woman didn't listen to Jack's urgings to drink a lot of water and eat more (one of the particularly thin ones). She ended up with sunstroke and had to be taken to the medical facility (which prompted much whining by the other women that she was just faking it to get Jack's attention. I personally think they were just jealous that she got to take a hot shower). (Don't worry - she was fine and came back the next day looking much cleaner than the others.) Another voluntarily chose to go home when the time came for him to eliminate 4 women. Clearly the smartest of the bunch.

I must admit that some of the women seem like pretty good sports. No complaining, etc. And some were very creative in their non-electric enhanced hair styles. But then there are the ones who expected a 5-star hotel and are already worried about how they are going to get their acrylic nails filled and highlights updated. And yet they all insist that they love love love the outback so far. Yeah right.

All in all, this could be the best reality show yet. If you feel at all high maintenance at times, this will make you feel much better. Check it out.

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Monday, June 21, 2004
4:15 PM

Hey Lucy!! You Got Some 'Splainin To Do!!
There I am at lunch today with some co-workers. Happily catching up on all of the office gossip. And I hear my cell phone ringing. Hmmm. Not expecting any calls. So I check the caller ID to see if I know who it is. Nope. Hmmm. Wonder who that could be? I can't bear the suspense. It could be the call telling me that I have won the grand prize in some super contest and now own a fabulous new car!! Far be it for me to miss that golden opportunity. Or it could be the boss extremely irate about something. Either way, I answer.

"Hello?"
"Is this Lucy?"
"No. Sorry you must have the wrong number."
"Well is Lucy there?"
"No. Sorry you must have the wrong number."
"Are you sure?"
"No. Sorry you must have the wrong number."
"Well is this ###-####?"
"Yes. But this is my cell phone and there is no Lucy here."
"Oh. Well can you ask around and see if there is a Lucy nearby."

Care to guess what I did at that point?

The funny thing is that this was by no means the first call for Lucy I have received. They seem to go in cycles. I'll get like 6 or so in a week and then nothing for months. I haven't had any lately so I guess this means that I should be prepared for more calls. Maybe next time I'll say I am Lucy and see where it goes. Maybe Lucy was going to win the fabulous new car and I can claim it instead. Or maybe I'll hand the phone to Mark and have him pretend to be Lucy. That might be even more amusing.

The good news is that at least it wasn't an irate boss.

If anyone knows Lucy, can you please ask her to get her own darned phone number??

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Friday, June 18, 2004
11:13 AM

Lessons Learned
I've come to realize lately that the Fabulous Yard is really fabulous more way that I expected. It not only looks nice and is fun to hang out in, but has helped me learn many lessons. It's like a wonderful outdoor classroom. And you know I wouldn't dream of depriving you of the gift of knowledge, sooo . . . .

1. Don't Feed Squirrels.
'Nuf said. Maybe don't even feed birds as it really is feeding squirrels.

2. Zucchini Are Amazing
Notwithstanding all my whining about the squirrels decimating my veggies, I actually have been able to enjoy some things. Zucchini being one of them. Mainly because they are the most productive vegetable you could possibly grow. My family grew them when we were kids but I forgot how prolific these plants are! One plant will give you more than enough zucchini for a small army. By the end of the growing season, you will hope to never see another zucchini again (we're not quite there yet, but it's only June). The other issue is that left unchecked, the actual zucchini get huge in about 30 seconds. Seriously. Ok, maybe 60 seconds. What looks like a tiny little gherkin pickle sized thing in the morning will be a baseball bat by the time you get home from work. Little did I know that I was getting not only a healthy vegetable, but one that could double as a home defense system if needed.

3. Home Grown tomatoes Are The Best
Yummy. Sooo sweet and juicy. I'm sure I'll be sick of these by the end of summer too (3 plants for 2 people might be too much. But for 7 squirrels, maybe not). Every one join me in hoping that we don't get those hideous tomato worms. Because if I do, the tomatoes are gone. I can't take those worms. They seriously creep me out. Or maybe the worms can drive the squirrels out of the yard. Not sure which is worse. I'll have to think about that.

4. Plant Your Roses In The Backyard
I really didn't know this, but have learned. When you aren't feeding the roses, trimming the roses, or spraying the roses you are plotting where else you could fit one in the yard. (The only reason I'm not scheming right now is because I have planted 3 new roses in the past couple of weeks. And I already have a free space to put the next one. Yipee!) But they really are pretty and smell good. The good news is that I have wised up and now plant mostly in the backyard. If someone comes back there to steal my roses then I have bigger problems than a few missing roses.

5. Not All S'mores Are Good
This probably deserves its own post, but since it's Friday and I generally don't post on the weekend, I thought I'd throw it in now to tide you all over until next week.

A couple of weekends ago we were enjoying the fireplace. Mark mentioned that we had a Hershey bar and I added that I thought we had marshmallows and grahams. You can see where this is going. S'mores!!!! Mmmm. Off I went to the kitchen to get all the fixins. Found the chocolate (it was right there in the pantry behind all the capers and specialty flour that we already know I don't use). Crackers - check. Marshmallows - check. Skewers - check. I even remembered the napkins. Back to the fire.

And we toast the marshmallows. So far so good. Once the marshmallows are nice and toasty brown, we plunk them down on the chocolate on top of the crackers. And we smush away to make sure the chocolate gets optimal hot marshmallow contact. Seems to be working fine. Then we each take a bite.

I think it would be fair to say that the crackers really just bent instead of broke. Apparently they had been in the pantry for a while (after all, who uses grahams all that much?? Nicole - you don't have to answer that!). Fine, it wasn't that bad, so we continued. Then we get to the first taste of marshmallow. In case any of you are wondering, take note. Marshmallows do, in fact, go bad. Or at least get less fresh. Much much less fresh. We're talking really really stale. Even after thorough cooking, the marshmallow had the consistency of a chewy, partially-melted tire. (In all honesty, I've never actually chewed on a tire, but I have an active imagination.) Clearly not good. And somehow, though fully cooked and hot, the chewy-tire-marshmallow managed to keep all the heat inside as it barely melted the chocolate at all (must be all the tire rubber insulating it). I know s'mores are supposed to be chewy, but not like this. I even tried zapping it in the microwave (another great way to make s'mores by the way), but still no real heat transmission to the chocolate. Very strange.

The good news is that the chocolate was good. But what chocolate isn't? It probably was at least as old as the other items, but had none of the problems. Just proves how timeless chocolate is. The chocolate almost salvaged the s'mores, but not quite. So we fed the rest of the crackers to - you guessed it - the squirrels (this was pre-squirrel ban). The birds liked them to. (No we didn't feed the marshmallows to any of the yard animals.)

Which leads us to the moral of our story. Not all s'mores are good s'mores. If in doubt, just eat the chocolate.

So many lessons, so little time.

P.S. Don't worry, if anyone comes to visit, I'll make sure the s'more makings are fresh.

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Wednesday, June 16, 2004
10:06 AM

My name is Sarah and I am a Squirrelaholic . . .
They say that the first step is to admit that you have a problem. I am so there. First of all, let me say that I know that the problem (detailed below) is 150% my own fault. But that doesn't mean it isn't a problem. And I need help. Serious help.

Remember the cute little squirrels that I posted about so affectionately not too long ago? Remember the lengths I went to to encourage their presence in my yard? The birdseed? The corn? Well let me say that I am beginning to see the error of my ways and think it all may have been a horrible mistake. Why the sudden change of heart? How could I have turned on Ralph and his cute furry progeny so quickly? Allow me to elaborate.

1. They are eating all of the bird food. They actually get on the feeders now, stick their little paws right into the feeder holes, and gorge themselves on as much food as possible. The birds just sit on the wall and watch them for fear of being eaten also. It's kind of amusing to watch, but not when you have to refill the feeders every two seconds.

2. They are still eating our pumpkins. In fact, I now find little pumpkins with bites out of them in various places throughout the yard. It's like a twisted version of an Easter egg hunt.

3. Ditto to our zucchini.

4. Ditto to our tomatoes.

5. Ditto to our peppers.

6. Last weekend they ate all the leaves off of an entire flat of seedlings that I had started and had put outside to harden off. (Do you get the picture that they are hungry little monsters???)

7. Cute little baby squirrels become slightly less cute full-grown squirrels very quickly when eating lots of birdseed, pumpkins, corn, tomatoes, peppers and seedlings.

8. There are actually not 5 squirrels. There are 7. This is bad. Very. Very. Bad.

9. In trying to get up onto the bird feeders they climb the stems of our sunflowers. So far they have broken two stems and have managed to break off all the leaves on the bottom half of another.

10. When I try to plant new sunflower seeds to replace the plants they demolished, they dig up the seeds and eat them (shocking, I know). Hence, I only have 2 remaining sunflowers which I am sure they will break any day now.

11. When I try to start new sunflower seedlings indoors, they eat the seedlings as soon as they get the chance. (See number 6 above.)

12. They aren't at all tame and won't let us pet them.

13. They refuse to wear their name tags or do tricks. (Climbing the sunflower stems to get to the feeders and hiding vegetable carcasses around the yard do not constitute tricks. Perhaps if they would juggle the vegetables before eating them I could forgive them.)

14. They won't play with the cats.

Granted they are still cute, but I think we have a problem. But how do you get rid of a family of squirrels? (No, we won't hurt or kill them so don't even suggest it.) I don't think they will just leave if we ask. In fact, if we don't do something soon, I suspect they will be asking us to leave any day.

I'll make sure to post my forwarding address if the squirrels win.

I wonder if a hedgehog might help??

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Tuesday, June 15, 2004
8:07 AM

Graduation Recap
Sorry for the delay in getting you all the cap and gown pics. The good news is that I have many to share. But first a quick graduation recap.

In order to make sure that we actually got seats, Barbara, Connor and I went to save seats as soon as the stadium was open at 2 o'clock. When we got there a little before 2, there was already a huge line of people. Luckily there was plenty of seating and we were able to stake out enough space for everyone. And then we sat. And sat. At least it was a beautiful day.

Here's a pic taken during out stint as seat fillers:

Then the rest of the crew (Dad, Mark, Rachel, Nicki and Chris) got there. And then we all got to sit. As you can see below, Chris really enjoyed waiting for the ceremony to start:

Finally, a little before 4 pm, the grads starting filing into the stadium. It was nearly impossible to find Alex in the group, but luckily he was seated not too far from us. I was able to get a couple of shots of him. Please be warned that it may be a bit hard to see him, but I have no doubt you can find him if you look hard enough!

Alex sitting with the graduates:

Then the time came for Alex to actually get his diploma.

Alex walking to get his diploma:

The ceremony was fine. It just takes a long time to read the 600+ names of the graduates. Four students spoke, including the "Scholar of Scholars" - the student with the top GPA in the class, which was 4.8. She moved here from Romania in 1999 with her family. Pretty impressive. (I'll bet she wins a women in business award some day.)

Then it was pretty much over. Hats in the air and all that. I think a good time was had by all. For example, take a look at the smile on Alex's face here:

Pretty happy don't you think?

And here is Alex and Barb (more radiant smiles):

And the family:

Finally, a pic of Nicki and Chris. Note the hat on Chris' head. Once he got it away from Alex, he pretty much wore it all night.

The all important diploma:

All in all, it was a great day. I haven't seen Alex smiling so much in a long time. And now he and Connor are enjoying summer vacation. I can't even begin to tell you how envious I am.

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Thursday, June 10, 2004
8:24 AM

Alex Rocks!!
As you may or may not know, today my brother Alex graduates from high school. Unbelievable. But true. And not only is he graduating, but with honors in light of his excessively high GPA. And his is off to U.C. Riverside this fall. I can't believe that this afternoon Mark & I will be back at our high school watching Alex get his diploma. Once again, feeling very old. But proud.

In honor of this momentous day, I thought I would provide a very brief pictorial recap of how great Alex is. No real rhyme or reason to the pictures, just a few that I particularly like.

I know that my readers don't always post a lot of comments, but I ask that today, anyone reading this post a comment congratulating Alex on his graduation.

We love you Alex!! And are so proud.

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Monday, June 07, 2004
3:33 PM

Squirrel Update
After my last squirrel post, I was afraid that I had jinxed us. Why you ask? Because for a day or so thereafter, I saw neither hide nor hair of any of the squirrels. Alas I feared that my enthusiasm had driven the squirrels on to greener pastures. Silly me. How could there be anywhere more fabulous than the Fabulous Yard?? Worse yet, I was afraid that the squirrels had met the same fate as the rats. I am happy to report that the squirrels seem to be permanent fixtures these days. There is pretty much a squirrel visiting at all times. Usually there are 2-3 squirrels visible. And they are really really cute.

In response to Tom's question about how we know that the squirrels are eating the food and not the rats. I suppose we really aren't 100% sure. But we haven't seen any rats and we do see squirrels eating the food all the time. (They have now learned how to get on all the feeders. Lucky us.) As they say, ignorance is bliss. I prefer to assume that it is the squirrels. And I now have pictures to prove it.

Being the freaky animal lover that I am, and seeing how much the squirrels love the birds' food, off we went to Petsmart to buy a hefty supply of bird food. And by hefty I mean 50 pounds or so of the stuff. Luckily it is cheap. Even more lucky, Mark was with me to carry it.

While shopping at Petsmart I had a brilliant idea (why don't I get those at work, just while shopping??). Why buy extra bird seed for the squirrels? Why not just buy some sort of squirrel food? Maybe that would make them even happier (and save me some coin!). Up and down the pet food aisles we went in search of squirrel food. After a few passes we reached the conclusion that they really don't make squirrel food per se. However, they do make a whole host of other types of food that seem quite silly in comparison.

For example, they have special food for ferrets. Ok, I guess I can understand that. Anyone who saw Kindergarden Cop thought about getting a ferret for at least a minute or two. Especially when the ferret bit the bad guy and saved the kid. Ferret Chow is ok by me.

Then we came to the chinchilla food. Chinchilla food. The idea of a chinchilla as a pet is completely foreign to me. Can't think of a single person I know or have ever known who has a chinchilla as a pet (And I'm quite confident that our governor has never been in a movie with a chinchilla either). Are they as mean as minks? I sure hope not. Whatever. No squirrel food but there is chinchilla food (and a couple of different varieties I might add). Are people raising them so they can eventually get a fur coat? Based on the cost of the food, a trip to the furrier at Saks might be cheaper. Anyway, after befuddled perusing of the selection of chinchilla food, we moved on.

Still no squirrel food. But you will all be greatly relieved to know that Petsmart does have - wait for it - HEDGEHOG food. Really. Really really. Hedgehog. Food. Whaaat???? I was supremely confident that pet hedgehogs are extremely rare (if they occur at all). How wrong I was!!! There are many websites about hedgehogs as pets. For example: Hedgies. I wonder if I bought the hedgehog food if they might show up too? They look kind of cute in the pictures. I'll have to think about that. . .

In any event, not having ferrets, chinchillas or hedgehogs in my yard (that I know of), I moved on. The only thing I could find about feeding squirrels was a corn cob holder that you can attach corn to. Corn! Next stop was the store to buy corn. Yes, we really went to the store and bought corn. Yes, I really am obsessed.

But I have good news. Our efforts were not in vain. The squirrels came. The squirrels ate. The squirrels lounged. All in all they seemed pretty happy. (The even better news is that there are clearly many people weirder than me with their pet hedgehogs and chinchillas.)

Exhibit "A" (Happy Eating Squirrels - just look at how cute the little one is!!):

Exhibit "B" (Lounging in the Sun Squirrel):

Exhibit "C" (Momma and Poppa Squirrel - Notice the bird caught mid-flight):

Exhibit "D" (Baby Squirrel Eating Corn):

As you can see, the corn was a hit. They really love it. I stick it on a bamboo skewer and then skewer it into the ground. Otherwise, they grab the corn and carry it away where you can't see them eating it. They also seem to fight over the corn more when it is mobile. At one point I saw a corn cob come flying out of the bushes. Clearly not a good plan. (As you might guess, the first attempt with the corn didn't go so well.)

Apparently, the happiness of the squirrels was contagious and word got out to the rest of the wildlife in the area. Everything went so well overall, that we had another unexpected visitor:

Yes, that is a roadrunner. He just came trotting across the patio and then flew up onto the post and hung out with one of the baby squirrels for a while. No idea where he came from or why. But he was pretty cool looking. (I don't remember ever seeing the roadrunner in the Wile E. Coyote cartoons fly, do you?? Well this one did.)

And I didn't even get pictures of the pelicans that have been flying over our yard lately. I'll have to work on that.

Thus endeth today's segment of the Squirrel Chronicles. Stayed tuned. You never know what will wander into our yard next. . .

P.S. Thanks to all for the various and sundry name suggestions. However, given that I really can't tell the squirrels apart, I think they will have to remain nameless.

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Thursday, June 03, 2004
8:48 AM

Wild Kingdom
By now you all know about the Fabulous Yard. And now apparently so do many many animals. (Maybe they've been reading the website too.) I am becoming concerned that perhaps the animal population in our yard is getting out of hand. Ok, I am entirely confident that it is absolutely totally out of hand.

It started with the birds. We love to have birds in the yard so once the Fabulous Yard was finished we put up our trusty bird feeders and naturally the birds came. So we added another feeder. Even more birds. We were happy. The cats were happy. The birds were happy. Much happiness.

Then came the rats. Yes, rats. They sort of took over the bird feeders which was unfortunate. Even more unfortunate for our neighbors, the rats took over the attic next door. (I choose to believe that the rats were present in the attic and then found our feeders as opposed to the other way around.) Exterminator called, rats gone. Happiness returned. Especially for the neighbors. Not so much for the rats.

Somewhere in there were the Ducks who still visit from time to time.

Then the squirrels arrived. Much better than rats. Far cuter. Amazing what a difference a fluffy tail makes. I don't even mind them eating the birdseed. At first there was just one, but not for long. Soon we had a squirrel couple hanging out by the pool, relaxing in the spa, playing croquet, etc. We started to get worried.

The main problem with the squirrels is that they don't confine their eating to the birdseed. Being the farmers that we are, we have tomatoes, zucchini and pumpkins growing. Little did we know that we are hosting the only vegan squirrels on the planet. Yep. You guessed it. They are eating all the veggies. I think I could live with offering up a sacrificial zucchini or pumpkin or two to the squirrels. But the squirrels aren't satisfied with that. They seem to take a single bite out of each veggie and then move on to the next. Baaad squirrels. So now we have a bunch of baby pumpkins, most of which have a bite taken out of them. Baaad baaad squirrels. So much for my farming career.

And the damage isn't limited to the veggies. Yesterday morning, when taking out the trash, we discovered that the squirrels have chewed through the bags of organic fertilizer that we use on the citrus trees and roses. Apparently the organic stuff is very yummy (I'll take their word for it), so now we have two twenty-five pound bags of fertilizer that have each been chewed in about a gazillion different places. Baaad Baaad squirrels.

Everyone repeat after me - "Baaad Baaad Squirrels."

Last weekend during a BBQ, everyone got to see the squirrels. In fact, Connor and Barbara decided to name one of the squirrels. He is now known as "Ralph". No idea on the genesis of that name but lacking a better one, Ralph it is. There are two problems with the naming of Ralph. One - we have no idea which squirrel is Ralph. Neither does Connor. Two - Connor's creativity lapsed after contributing "Ralph." So we have Ralph and Unnamed Squirrel Number Two. Lacking a better name for USNT, we have defaulted to Ralphette. Any better ideas?

The squirrel situation reached an entirely new level of insanity yesterday. Things are rapidly spinning out of control. While surveying the Fabulous Yard yesterday evening, we discovered that we are hosting not just Ralph and Ralphette (the squirrel formerly know as USNT), but their children. Three of them. All of which were in our yard. At least I think it is still our yard. I suppose if you count that cats, the squirrels at least don't outnumber us, yet. Granted the baby squirrels are even cuter than the grown ones, but I fear that five squirrels in one yard are just too many. I don't even have the heart to check on my vegetable crop. I also don't have the heart to get rid of the adorable squirrels. So I did what any self-respecting animal lover would do - I filled the bird feeders and even sprinkled some food on the ground in front of their hiding place. I know, the problem really is me, not the squirrels.

Worst of all, we were already tapped out for squirrel names and now have three more to contend with.

I suppose we should count our blessings. The neighbors 3 doors down have 2 snakes in their yard. Of course with all the squirrels, the snakes may soon be in ours. And if that happens then I think we will have to move. Just kidding!!!

Squirrel name submissions encouraged. And if anyone has always wanted a pet squirrel, I just might be able to help you.

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Tuesday, June 01, 2004
10:44 AM

Burning Bridges
I know that at least a couple of readers have various job woes so I thought you would appreciate my now favorite job departure story. This just happened last week so it is very timely!

Lawyers change jobs quite a bit. I think that the average number of firms that a lawyer will work at over the course of his/her career is something like 4-5. Naturally, because most lawyers stay within the legal field, you try to remain on as good of terms as possible with the firms you leave.

Usually, on the last day of work, a departing lawyer will send a office-wide e-mail which is usually something like:

"Today is my last day, but although I am leaving I am so happy to have worked here and met you all. . ."

Apparently not everyone is so P.C. Below is the text of an e-mail that was forwarded to me. It was originally sent by a lawyer who until sending the e-mail worked for a huge global firm (luckily not mine!):

"As many of you are aware, today is my last day at the firm. It is time for me to move on and I want you to know that I have accepted a position as "Trophy Husband". This decision was quite easy and took little consideration. However, I am confident this new role represents a welcome change in my life and a step up from my current situation. While I have a high degree of personal respect for the firm, and I have made wonderful friendships during my time here, I am no longer comfortable working for a group largely populated by gossips, backstabbers and Napoleonic personalities. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be dressed up like a piñata and beaten than remain with this group any longer. I wish you continued success in your goals to turn vibrant, productive, dedicated associates into an aimless, shambling group of dry, lifeless husks.

May the smoke from any bridges I burn today be seen far and wide."

Yes, someone actually sent this e-mail on their way out the door. We have actual confirmation from someone at the firm. And the e-mail has been circulated far and wide as the writer apparently wanted.

I especially like the part about being beaten like a pinata. So for those of you with job woes like Dana and Laura, perhaps you should keep a copy of that e-mail for future use if you have to quit a hideous job. . .

P.S. Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday weekend!

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