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Friday, February 18, 2005
4:13 PM

The Incident of the Dimwit and the Chips

Last night, as I stopped on my way home from my hair appointment to pick up take out Mexican food for dinner, I witnessed an event that shocked my sensibilities. It was one of those moments where you know beyond any shadow of a doubt that you are in the presence of truly the most idiotic person on the planet at that given moment. Truly. And luckily, for once, it wasn't me.

There I stood, waiting for the restaurant to give me our chicken torta (which we discovered when I got home was actually a carnitas torta - the horror!! But I digress . . .). Seated at a nearby table was a couple finishing their dinner. A basket of the restaurant's oh so yummy chips was on their table. The woman grabbed a chip and ate it (a truly shocking action, I know). The man then says to her "Just stop. You keep eating chips. Stop!" Yes. That is pretty much precisely what he said. Now admittedly, I wasn't there for their whole meal. Perhaps she specifically asked him to keep her from eating any more chips, though I submit that the chance of any sane woman doing that is slim to none. Maybe she suffers from both a severe chip allergy and an uncontrollable compulsion to eat chips (in which case the restaurant was just a bad idea all around, which lends further credence to the biggest idiot theory). And even if she did ask him, I am supremely confident that she didn't mean it. I've had their chips after all and they are gooooood. Given the glare she shot him, I think my point is dead on. And I didn't even mention the somewhat preachy tone he used. Like he was doing her a favor. Bastard.

Therein lies today's lesson.

Never, ever, ever, ever tell a woman to stop eating. Period. (Actually, it really works for both genders, but given the weight-obsessed reality 99.99% of all women live in, I suspect it is far more applicable to women.) The obvious exceptions would be if you see mold, smell something awful, or see the food moving on its own. Otherwise it is just a bad idea to tell someone, particularly a female, to stop eating. You might as well just say "Hey! Aren't you fat enough already??" Also avoid at all costs anything like "Haven't you had enough?" or "Aren't you done yet?" They are all bad. Period.

Alas my food was ready at that point and I didn't wait around to watch her use the remaining chips to remove his very small brain through his nostril. But I'm sure she did. Good new is that there is one less idiot on this planet today.

P.S. Notwithstanding the horrible torta mix up, our dinner was fabulous. And Mark let me eat all the chips I wanted. And I hadn't even told him this story.

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