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Monday, March 20, 2006
5:38 PM

Thing You Can't Learn From Food TV

With Tivo at my disposal, I can work at the new Fabulous Job and not miss any of my favorite cooking shows. At any given point, I have at least a couple of hours of cooking shows that I can watch at the touch of a button. And usually, after watching for a bit, I start to feel like a huge oaf for watching other people cook instead of cooking myself. Then I will chase a cat or two off my lap (they too love Food TV, or maybe it's just the part where we lay on the couch all day), drag myself off the couch and head into the kitchen to put some of the techniques to work. Through this process I have come to realize that there are a few key things that they just cannot teach on TV. As always, I am more than happy to share my discoveries.

1. Wet mushrooms are one of the most slippery objects on the planet. Man those things can really launch off a cutting board if you do not have a really really good grip on them when you are trying to cut them.

2. Our weird cats will actually try to eat wet, raw mushrooms that have just been launched across the room.

3. Wet mushrooms make much better cat toys than cat food. Turns out cats are also very good at launching mushrooms around the house.

4. Stepping on a wet mushroom-turned-cat toy with bare feet is not a pleasant experience. Neither is cleaning up the then smashed cat toy formerly known as a mushroom.

5. Garlic, in contrast, is exceedingly sticky when chopped. It sticks to your knife. The cutting board. Your hands. If you ever need but cannot find glue, just go dice some garlic and use that.

7. The only way to really learn how to toss food in a pan like they do on the cooking shows is practice practice practice. It actually can be learned. But it also can be messy.

8. Do not try to learn food tossing with sesame seeds that you are toasting. Unless you like having them everywhere in the kitchen.

9. It is literally impossible to get sesame seeds out of the very small gaps between the planks of wood flooring. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will get those suckers out. Actually, I have not yet tried using the sticky power of garlic. Hmmmm . . .

10. Do not practice food tossing while making scrambled eggs. Just trust me on this one. Really.

Having said all that, Food TV really has increased the frequency of my cooking. I highly recommend it.

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