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Wednesday,
May 27, 1992 Bob and I are beginning our fourth day together. It's been pretty wonderful. We're in Trujillo in Extremadura. We were just passing through and saw an old castle here, so we decided to stay. This is the kind of traveling I wanted to do. We took a detour off the main highway on the way and saw some beautiful little towns, mountains and countryside. I enjoyed Madrid, but felt a little on edge there. So busy, so many people. We stayed in a nice hotel just off the Puerta del Sol. We went to the Plaza Mayor and El Prado, but didn't do many other touristy things. We found a great outdoor cafe. Met three American students who were really nice. We got pretty drunk that first night, actually. We both even smoked cigarettes! Last night, after a nice dinner in the Plaza Mayor in Trujillo (home of Francisco Pizarro), we went up to the castle again. Bob quoted from MacBeth. Said we should kill the king and drink hemlock. I thought it was more like Wuthering Heights. All this was under the watchful eye of the gyrating virgin. Legend has it that the Virgin Mary appeared here in 1275, so they've erected a shrine to her. The statue faces out over the city, but when you put in 25 pesetas, it's supposed to turn around and face inside. But it was broken. No twirling Madonna tonight.
Wednesday,
June 3,1992 I wish I had time to write more. I'm sure I'll leave out so many things. Yesterday, Bob and I went to Expo '92 with Annelies and her sister, Helena. We had a really nice time together. The weather's been really cloudy. We wanted to go to the beach. Maybe we'll go to Granada. We went on the sky cable car at Expo last night. That I liked. Actually, I was in a bad mood by that time. I was tired and crabby. We didn't get good seats for the fireworks/laser light show. On Monday, I worked only a few hours in the afternoon. I still feel so guilty because there's so much to do! But I want to spend time with Bob, too. We spent
the morning sleeping late and going to the school. I worked all day on Sunday - several First Communions and a wedding. But at least Bob was able to go to the beach. I was so mad because Daniel or María Carmen could've done it. What a waste of time! Bob came with me to the church Saturday morning and then I worked a few hours in the afternoon. Oh, I forgot. We went to visit Dave and Gitta in Torreblanca Sunday night. It was nice. We had a nice dinner out on the terrace. It was so good to see them again, too. After Trujillo, Bob and I stayed in Cáceres and then Elvas, Portugal. We really had such a great time traveling together. I was down because of the rainy weather, but it was still nice. I wish we could've spent time in the city of Sevilla, but we just didn't have time. Thursday,
July 2, 1992 I can't believe it's over already. I barely got a chance to write in my journal. I hate that. So much has happened. It's been a fantastic 2 weeks. We had a great party at Karen and Rick's last weekend. Played and played. So much fun. I forgot about how much fun my friends and I have when we're together. I miss them! Everyone was so great to me. I borrowed Barb's and Jane's cars, stayed at Matt & Eli's and Karen & Rick's. They spent so much money on me! Patrick had people over for a barbecue. I really am lucky! And I'm not ready to go back yet. I'm trying my best to get excited about it. But I must admit that I really love this country! The conveniences! Fast food. Shopping. Cars. Television. The easy life. So difficult to walk (or fly) away from. I'm in Chicago now. Waiting. We've been sitting in the plane for 2 1/2 hours, waiting out a storm, and now the long lines of planes ahead of us. I managed to get here from Detroit and run downtown to the Spanish Consulate this morning to get my "working papers." I also have my bicycle in tow. That will be so nice to have in Málaga! And my CDs! I am looking forward to finding an apartment, but I'm anxiety-ridden about the job. So much to do. Pressure. It's always there. Frustration, too. But, I need to go for it! Just Do It! I will succeed! It will be fantastic! Jenny is pretty sure of coming in October. Alyssa wants to come, too. I talked to Bob last night. He's still thinking about it, but didn't sound overly positive. So I continue on. One day at a time. Enjoying the ride. The experiences! Friday,
July 3, 1992 I am fighting hard to stay awake right now. I can't believe how tired I am. But Annelies is washing the floor and I have to wait for it to dry, of course. Shit. It's probably best to stay up, though. Get my body adjusted. I'm staying with her until I can find an apartment. I managed all right getting here from the airport. Mitchell wasn't there. In fact, I still haven't gotten ahold of him. I don't especially want to go to his party tomorrow anyway. But I should. Maybe Annelies will go, too. Anyway, I took a taxi from the airport to the bottom of the hill and then leapfrogged my baggage (including the bike in a box) up the slope. I was so exhausted! I looked at a studio apartment available here. It's so small, but it's only $230/month. We'll see. I just want to get settled. I rode my bike down the beach today. I loved it. Yes, it was worth the hassle. Sunday,
July 5, 1992 Wow. Just like last time I arrived in Málaga. So much happened in the first 48 hours. On Saturday, Annelies introduced me to some friends. They're English and Spanish, all speak both languages. They invited me over for dinner next Saturday night. Should be fun. I went to Mitchell's finca for his brother-in-law's postponed wedding reception. I was feeling rather negative about it at first. I felt taken advantage of. He hadn't told me he wanted me there to videotape! And I felt uncomfortable not speaking Spanish well enough. I sat with Andres' brother and his friends. We didn't talk a lot a first, but after I put the camera down and we all had a few drinks, we became fast friends. I was getting very tired and jumped at the chance to come back to Málaga with Mitchell at 4:00 AM. But "the guys" talked me into staying and going out with them. We went to Bar Lemon, but couldn't get in. I met another friend of theirs who is learning English. We agreed to meet today at the beach, but I couldn't find him. I don't even know his name. I didn't get in until 7:00 AM. Got up at 1:30 PM. But I'm making friends! It's great! I decided to take the apartment here in this complex. Annelies and De are here. That's nice. Once again, things are really looking up. I'm thinking of buying a TV tomorrow. And small speakers for my CD player. Right now I'm locked out of Annelies' apartment. I forgot my keys. Frustrating. I just want to be settled in my new place. Although I don't know where I'll fit everything! And I want to get so much more stuff. Saturday,
July 11, 1992 I had to write. Too many stimuli! You could do quite a case study of this area. From.... The two British guys in the last apartment on the left. They arrived - one bringing an overnight bag. On my way out, I noticed a candle in the bedroom window and low voices. I wish I had lingered! On the way back, perhaps I did slowly walk by and perhaps I could've temporarily stopped, just beyond the window, long enough to hear the word "relationship" amongst the low, gravelly rumble, but not quite long enough to hear the gender of the pronouns. To.... Bar Donde. A place that I've been to dozens of times in the past 5 months, the last time being a month ago. I was shocked to recognize not a soul, save the workers. Not even anyone I've seen before. Amazing the turnover rate here. I stayed for a beer and eavesdropped on the basic language groups. English seemed to predominate, edging out Spanish as it usually does. But there still seemed to be a strong German contingent lurking about. I was aloof, alone, just soaking up the atmosphere of this trendy international hotspot. Children of conservatism mingling under the patio palms, discussing such hot topical tropical topics as how hot it was today, what time shall we hit the beach tomorrow, and have you learned that damned subjunctive tense yet?? Yes, pretty as a postcard, and just about as deep. Inside, the ubiquitous fat chicks, excuse me, chicas gordas were getting down to "Good Stuff" on the dance floor. Encircling the bar and in small groups of three, were the singles and singles with single friends, trying a different approach. Haven't mastered Spanish yet? Shut up and dance! Moving on to.... Walking along the beach. Tried to call Bob, but all circuits were busy. "Spain!" he spat. The moonlight on the Mediterranean, rippling through the unusually warm night. The ubiquitous (can you use that word twice in the same journal entry?) The ever-present couples kissing on the benches along the beach. Magical, really. Why are some people blessed with such beauty? I guess the same reason some people are blessed with beauty. Hmmm. Anyway.... Along the main drag - Juan Sebastián Elcano, the place where real Spaniards like to hang - hanging they are. Onto each other, out of doorways of cars and bars. So many people! Where do they all come from? What do they do for God's sake? Professional partiers? And finally.... Here alone in my little studio apartment. Well at least it's bigger than De's. I think De's getting a little fed up with my good fortune. "I don't believe it," she says to me. "You go off to America and come back and find a place just like that." I reminded her that 5 weeks ago we were both putting off looking for a place to live. Figured it would all work out in the end. And here we end up neighbors once again! De, teaching English classes, has had to struggle a lot since she came here in January - about the same time as me. When I tell her about the great job I found the first time I looked in the paper, the friends back home offering me their cars and homes for my visit, the apartments I've found by fate, she says through a clenched smile, "How lucky you are!" I had gone to the apartment manager before I left, inquiring about a place that was becoming vacant. He said I'd have to take my chances on whether it might be available when I came back. Annelies advised me to go ahead and take the apartment - and waste three weeks' rent - to assure I would have a place on my return. I rolled the dice. Meanwhile De moved in to the smaller apartment, with the hopes of looking at the other (my) place when it was available. I walked in one step ahead. Well, she does pay a little less. Small consolation, I suppose. So here I am, writing on my apartment terrace, on a hill above the noise of the busy street with the expanse of the Mediterranean beyond. So much happens here! One half-hour excursion results in so many tastes of life. Actually, I was already lying on my bed at 1:00 AM, so close to closing the day. By 2:00, I had gotten cleaned up and dressed, walked out into the candy store of life, experienced a little of this and a whole lotta that, and retreated back into my observation post once again. Just another story of the night. Friday,
July 17, 1992 I had to write. Not that I could sleep, what with all the clanging. I guess the Virgen de Carmen is returning to her church. What a surreal night. A mini-Semana Santa. Now I'm sitting in bed, listening to Ella and Louis as I try to record everything. I took a bike ride to El Palo this evening to buy some UM-2 ("C") batteries for my speakers. I came across a large throng of people. Ran into 2 girls I knew, Christiana and I can't remember the other one's name. They said it was some procession for the patron virgin of the fishermen. Yeah, right, whatever. Anyway, Lorenzo and Ingeborg from Alhambra Instituto were there, too. I stuck around for the mini-procession. The Virgin was hoisted by about 40 guys. Little girls dressed in their flamenco dresses were all around. I heard they were transporting the virgin to a boat, but I didn't wait to witness the final outcome. However, on the way back home, I ran into "Jeckel and Hyde" De. This time she was very talky. I told her of my shit going on at work. Still not being paid from six weeks ago. A German couple she knows stopped to chat. Then we noticed a gathering of people all around us. And before we knew it, there again was the virgin herself! How did she get to Pedregalejo? Anyway, this time I did stay to see her loaded onto the rowboat, flowers and lights adorning it. Other boats, similarly decorated, lit the evening with red flares, and fell in behind the Virgin on a nautical journey. I went home. Around midnight, I went back to El Palo, where there was a band playing out beyond the carnival that was set up on the beachfront. Oh, how I love carnivals! I thought of the Blue Water Festival! Algodon dulce! Anyway, I ran into Joop and his father. He left soon because they were going to Expo tomorrow. I loved watching the little girls dancing the Sevillanas. Incredible. I have to re-learn how to dance that! After a very frustrating 10 minutes of trying to get a beer (I hate having to learn how to be RUDE!), I went to Donde. Along the way, I couldn't help noticing all the activity at the restaurants and the little kids still going strong at 1:30 AM. Spain! The stamina of Spaniards is incredible. Well, I ran into De and Ingra at Donde. De was pretty rude to me this time. I'm not sure what her problem is. Superficiality! I saw Manolo there, too. He remembered that I had gone home to my país, but thought it was Alemania and then half a dozen other European countries before I told him I was American. He was surprised. I don't sound like an American, he said. He's probably comparing me to De! So anyway, on the way home from Donde I ran into the Virginal procession again. Men marching with oars. Strange stuff. Along the beachfront restaurants were occasional shrines to the virgin. The processioneers would yell out, "ÁViva la Virgen de Carmen!," and the crowd would yell, "¡Viva!" "¡Arriba la Virgen de Carmen!" "¡Arriba!" Then they would mumble something very quickly and everyone said, "Guapa. Guapa. ¡Guapa, guapa, guapa!" in a chant-like fashion. So many stimuli here! It's almost 3 AM and I have to work tomorrow! Hey! I think I needed this day. It picked me up out of my depression. I have to credit De with a good line tonight. All night we've been hearing loud blasts of fireworks, but couldn't see where they were coming from. De and I were yelling back and forth to each other from our terraces. She said, It's typical Spanish. You hear it, but you don't see it." Yeah, they promise you the world, but don't follow through.
Saturday,
July 18, 1992 I had such a good time tonight. But I must admit, I'm glad to be home in bed now. ¡Que sueño! Elisabeth yelled up to me at 11:00 PM and asked if I wanted to go out with her and some other neighbors. I had been planning to go out, but I didn't know where. We went to a flamenco concert in El Palo. It was incredible! I guess I'd have to compare it to American blues. Torch songs, really. Lots of emotion, and the audience really gets into it. Rafael, the friend of Kiko and Danny, was there, too. We talked all night. In fact, I spoke nothing but Spanish all night. How fantastic! Afterwards, we went to a small bar near here. A very nice night. I didn't spend any money, either! I felt I was really absorbing the Spanish culture. I think Elisabeth and I were the only guiries at the flamenco. Rafael's a nice guy. The older woman above Annelies, Matilde, was there, too. We've always exchanged "holas" but never really talked before. This is a great little neighborhood. I'm feeling so much better about "things" right now. Monday,
July 20, 1992 So here's my life. I'm sleeping on an "army cot." All my possessions in a room the size of a dorm room. My shower - my back rubs against the shower curtain because of the hot water tank on the wall. I have to turn it on 20 minutes before I take a shower. And, of course, water goes everywhere. I have to mop up afterwards. And the sink leaks. I have to tell the manager. But how do you say that in Spanish!? The stove was acting up this morning. Gas kinda exploded when I lit the burner. Endearing qualities of this place. I sleep with a can of Raid by my bed. They've never heard of screens here. Yes, I feel okay now, but it's only after a couple of glasses of red, red wine. Makes me forget. I managed to write a few more postcards and letters. Over 30 so far! I do have a lot of friends. And I am thankful for that. And yet, I feel very lonely. Strange life. But I live strangely. It's so hot tonight. I took a cool shower, but I don't know if I'll be able to sleep. I want to work early tomorrow to beat the heat. It was hell from 4:30 - 8:00 today. ¡Que calor! What an experience life is! Choose wisely. Don't be afraid to change your mind, though. Every day, every person, is an adventure. Thursday,
July 23, 1992 It's great when things "happen." Yes, sometimes you have to make them happen. They don't happen when you stay home every night! Elisabeth invited me to a fiesta tonight. Turns out there was none, but we went downtown instead. On her moto. I forgot how fun it can be! The great music at Casa del Conde. The music I remember from Salsa in February-April. At Salsa, I ran into not one, but two people I knew. Karen, from England, who's back in Málaga on holiday. And Antonio, the friend of Barbara's. I told him I was working now, but didn't have many friends here now. He took my work number and said he'd call me for the Feria. How cool! So much can happen if you "just do it." And to think I was planning my escape earlier. I still don't know if I can last past November, but we'll see. Friends would make the difference. I bought a TV today. Yea! I feel like a human being again. Watched a bit of "Alf" and "Moonlighting." In Spanish, of course! I think it will prove to be worth the $220 investment. Hey, I'm getting pretty excited about the Democrats' chances this November. Wouldn't that be great? I do feel sorry I'm missing it, though! Sunday,
July 26, 1992 I've been "cautiously up" lately. It's a shame that I have to qualify everything. Of course I'm still in a state of flux. I've actually been feeling a little better at work, but I don't know what next week will bring. Not much work to do. Will they still pay me? 'Course not. Maybe they'll pay me on the 31st, though. I think I do need to stick with it. I was thinking of looking into teaching English. I do miss teaching. But I don't know how easy it would be. Pinky seems to think it would be difficult without working papers. But what does he know? "Things have always worked out in the past." De's been pretty down about things. She's contemplating leaving. Actually, my conversation with her last week was my first in English for a while. I went out with Danny, Kiko and Rafa Friday night. We just went to the bar around the corner, but it was okay. I would've liked to have gone to Torremolinos, though. Rafa came up to my apartment after a while and we talked. Two more girls I know told me today that they're leaving. Hmmm. But I'm successful here, right? How do I define success? Friends more than money of course. Weather more than money. But friends more than weather? What kind of wacky definition is that?! Success is an inner contentment. That I haven't found. "Still haven't found what I'm looking for." Maybe it's further down the costa. We did another wedding yesterday. It had absolutely no coordination. Another frustrating Monday tomorrow when we discuss the results and the problems. Annelies is back. I'm glad. We took a bike ride to the market yesterday. But we're always speaking Spanish. I need to switch to English to really tell her what's going on in my life. I'd like to see Joop. My thoughts are all over the place tonight. It's because I haven't written in a while. I've been watching the Olympics. Of course, I now feel I'm being anti-social. All these expectations that I think I need to live up to. Stuuupid! ¡Disfrútate! I'm listening to the cool Sat/Sun night music program they have on Canal Sur Uno. David Sanborne right now. Wednesday,
July 29, 1992 What a great surprise!! As I was sitting watching the Olympics last night, I heard my name being called. I went out to the terrace. To my surprise, there was Gitte down below! She's back here on holiday from Denmark for 2 weeks. She said she had faxed me, but I hadn't picked it up from the school. She asked around at Donde about me and got all sorts of rumors - that I had left and such. Annelies overheard her questions and told her where I lived. How funny. I'm so happy! I've missed her! We were out at Donde until 4 AM last night. I had been at Pinky and James's until 1:30 for dinner and drinks. That was really nice. A very good day, really. I realized that I had friends! I'm sure Gitte's presence will "force" me to go out more. I suppose that's good. Just have to watch the expenditures. But I've been doing well. I have to realize that it's worth a $2.00 investment in a beer to go out and be with people. For example, I'm sitting outside at Gallerna right now. I should do this more often. Just one drink, though. I went into work today and wrote letters and read the paper. Herbert finally came in at 1:00. Gave me a Communion to edit, then said to take the afternoon off. But what about pay? He said we'll get paid for the weddings tomorrow. Someone called with a complaint about one of the weddings I edited. So what am I doing wrong? I thought that one turned out pretty nice. Shit. I get so discouraged. But you know, it just doesn't matter. This is transient stuff. I can walk away at any time. And hey! I'm in Spain! Friday,
August 7, 1992 Boing. Down again. And I had even been mildly up yesterday. Didn't have to work in the afternoon, so I took the train to Torreblanca. Went to the beach - the water is so clean there, and the beach is less crowded. Then I visited Dave and Gitta. It was busy and very hot, but nice. I met this guy, John, who works props for films here in Spain. We had a nice talk about politics and music and such. I need friends like that. God, I should move down the coast. I think I'd be happier. After running to catch the last train - like always - I ended up back home at 12:30 AM and I showered and ate something. Annelies came by for a visit. I was 1 1/2 hours late meeting Gitte at Bolivia, but we sat and talked and talked. Then we went to Donde and danced and danced. I'm so glad I wore my shorts. I can't believe Europeans wear long pants in the summer! I guess I was pretty drunk by the time I got home at 4:00 AM. I almost didn't make it into work today, but I managed. But that's when it started. God, I hate my job. I want something where I don't have to think. In Spanish! And it's so damn hot! So I started thinking again about quitting and finding something else. Sounds easy! Saturday,
August 8, 1992 What a strange thing! Hearing the National Anthem after the basketball game instead of before. "El Dream Team" won the Olympic gold. The coverage on NBC must be incredible! If the rest of the world is so thrilled by this team, what is the American reaction? But now the victory ceremonies are over and we're back to the studios of TVE2 with an interview of the Spanish gold-medalist in the 1500m. I doubt NBC has that. It's been a great media experience watching the Olympics from a Spanish point of view. "The Home Team." In two senses: the host country and the local country. What an incredible spectacle it has been. God, I'm so glad I bought this TV! I've really watched a lot of these games. I'm going to miss it! I like the way they cut from whatever event is happening to coverage of the victory ceremonies of the Spanish medalists. And they have been pretty amazing with their gold medals. When I feel it was getting too Iberian, I flip over to the Moroccan channel to watch their coverage. It's mostly the same feed without the Spanish bent. And they don't talk so much, but when they do, it sounds funny! It's a strange station. Right now, they have an orchestra of white-robed fez-headed men playing Arabic music. I mean, you don't see this in the U.S. Not even on public access. Surreal. Anyway, they usually speak in Arabic, but occasionally it's French. One commercial will be one language, the next will be the other. And, Oh-My-God!, the production quality! I've caught a couple of soap operas. The lighting, the sets, the acting! Horrible! There's a job for me. Improving production quality of Third World television programming! Can you believe I'm still watching this Arabic music program? I have the headphones on, so I can hear it very well and I can walk around the room. No! It can't be! It's a Moroccan youth chorus singing, in English (or something vaguely similar), "The Answer is Blowing in the Wind." With full orchestra. But this band is fez-less. Okay, now they're singing some French song. I don't think I can stand much more of this. So now I've turned back to the late-night re-cap of today's Olympic events. I can watch a bit of the Malagueñas '92 music festival on Canal Málaga. Basically, it's a public access-type local channel. They often have interview shows -- with those same public access plastic plants as in the States-- and badly-lit terrible acoustical local music presentations. She's really getting into this song. I do like the emotion of Spanish traditional music. Canal Sur, Andalucía's regional station, usually shows more cultural programs. Lots of music. From 7 - 10 every morning, they have "Tele-Expo." a tri-lingual Expo infomercial giving info on that day's events. Interviews, entertainment, weather from Expo. During the evenings, there are occasional bullfights or Sevillanas. But no, tonight it's a goofy 70s sex movie! There's a black woman in a gold lamé bikini rubbing her crotch as she watches the hetero couple roll around and have sex on the lawn. STOP! Sunday,
August 9, 1992 I wanted to relate Friday night's activities. Gitte and I went out to dinner then met María José and some other friends at Casa del Conde. Then we went out to Bar Salsa for a while and danced. It was nice to see María José again. And going out with Gitte is always fun. Unfortunately, she drank a bit too much and got sick on the taxi ride home. We had to stop on the beach half-way home. We stayed there about an hour. She'd get sick, then sleep, then repeat. She kept telling me to go on and leave her. That she would be fine. Right! Passed out on the beach with her purse and all. I just sat tight. Finally, I got a taxi and we made it back to the campground this time. But just barely. How funny. Reminded me of Carnaval in Cádiz, of course. Andre and I getting sick and walking back to the car. Today I went on quite a long bike ride. It was so nice. I went east, past Rincón de la Victoria along the beach. A much less congested stretch of road than the 340 towards Torremolinos. And there was a decent breeze, so it wasn't too hot. Finally, after about 20 km, I saw a sign for Playa Naturalista. I thought it meant Nature Beach. It was a nude beach! Well, of course I stayed. Pretty interesting. But an awful lot of old naked men. There were a few families and couples, too. Both nude and un-nude. I was UN-nude! I had planned to go swimming naked, but before I got the nerve, the waves got real big, so I didn't go in. Actually, I'd have loved to, but no one else was going in then, so I didn't either. I'll have to go back some time. The ride back was hell! A helluva head wind. But I survived. I really need to ride more out into the campo. Or just out to clean beaches! I started thinking that I should travel on my bike for a week around Andaluc’a. Those are the kinds of things I wanted to do! Work be damned! I'm glad I went. I really needed that lift of doing something different. Of traveling! Andre arrives tomorrow. Another adventure beginning. Friday,
August 14, 1992 Been having too much fun! Andre, Jeannet and I went to the center last night and happened upon the Alhambra group. So we joined them for a wine and tapas tour. A nice evening. There was even a live Brazilian band at Salsa. I do appreciate having friends here. And in the States. Neil wrote me a great thought-provoking letter. And Matt called me today. I tried to explain 6 weeks of teetering about my future. I'm sure he's overwhelmed and confused. Good! So am I! But really, I've been very up lately. Positive Mental Attitude! I haven't seen Rafa in a while. Wonder what his deal is. No word on being paid yet. Lorenzo told me last night that Joaquin at Alhambra wants to talk to me about potential work. Here we go again! But I have to check it out. Possibilities. Sunday,
August 16, 1992 It's been great having Andre here. I'll miss him - again. But it will be nice to have more time on my own again, too. Time for introspection. Friday night, we watched the fireworks opening the Feria from here instead of going downtown. Yesterday, we went to see the processions of horse-drawn carriages, etc. And then saw thousands of people in traditional costumes dancing Sevillanas in the streets of downtown M‡laga. An incredible sight. So many people. So hot! Last night we went to the Feria grounds. So big! I didn't realize it had carnival games and rides, hundreds of casetas with bars and bands. And thousands of drunks! Pretty fun, though. I met a guy - Joel?- who works for the BBC and lives in Málaga. We talked a lot about video possibilities. Interesting! Sunday,
August 17, 1992 Man, I don't know about the future, but the present is pretty damn interesting! I ran into Joel at Bolivia tonight. We talked all night. He says there's a position open at Canal Sur and he'll talk to them about me tomorrow. Wot!? It's that fast-moving train again. But what I hate is being artificial. I feel I have to "play the game" to see what might develop. He's such a materialistic person. Telling me that he pays $2000/month for his house, taking me home on his mother-fucker motorcycle. He asked if I'd be in Bolivia tomorrow night. I really hadn't planned to, but now I will be there, I'm sure. Play the game. Gotta do it. But I hate it! Tuesday,
August 18, 1992 Hellos, good-byes. Good nights, bad nights. Said hello to Jeannet and Bek who are back in town again. Bek was bummed when he found out he just missed Andre. Whom I didn't get a chance to really say good-bye to. The truck they were going to ride with didn't go. So they were going to stay. Well, while I was at work, they decided to take the train. It's okay. I hate emotional, long good-byes. I said good-bye to Joop, too. It was a long, drawn-out good-bye recalling the past, talking of the future, trying to find a pen and paper for addresses. I guess it kept me there long enough to see Bek, though. So it was a "good night" even though I didn't see Joel. I knew several people there. But they'll all be gone soon. 3:30 PM Just sittin' on the terrace - thinkin'. Wrote some letters. Now I'm contemplative. Still thinking of quitting when I get paid. But I don't think I will. I mean, I'm still only working 4 hours a day. It leaves me time to sit and think. Or to look for another job. If I quit now, I could probably make it to the end of September on the $700 I should be getting. I could spend another $1000 from savings to stay another month and travel a bit. That would just about deplete my savings, though. Or I could go back Oct. 1st. I wonder if I'd get my $500 back from my security deposit. I could work at BHSD until January, then take ESL and Spanish classes -- in some other city. Or I could come back to Malaga. I'd only want to came back if I had a job lined up. I wouldn't want to go through all this uncertainty again. And I couldn't afford it! But more likely, I'd stay in the States. Maybe I'm serious about going back to school in Fall '93. Instructional Technology? Spanish? ESL? Maybe something totally new that I haven't really thought of yet. Something with travel, no? Or Linguistics. I love sittin' and thinkin'. I've been occasionally writing letters - like a short note to Matt telling him how I miss "The Flintstones" - or reading my journal, or eating something in between writing things down in here. Jolts my mind to all the little anecdotes of Málaga. Maybe I could write. Sometimes I feel antsy. Like I "should be doing something!" Can't even enjoy an afternoon of sittin' 'n' thinkin' without some guilt creeping in. Of course, I am doing something. Adjusting myself. Tinkering with the inner knobs and levers. Learning by reading, by writing, by observing. I've noticed that I can't sit long without a million thoughts going through my head: I'd like to pick some almonds off that tree; why do flies like my feet so much; is it true that cicadas come up from the ground and make that awful August buzzing only on the last day of their lives; where are those busloads, but LOADS, of people coming from and going to; why doesn't Malaga have - or enforce - a noise law. The motorcycles are terrible! Could this fly be someone I know back on earth in another form - he seems to be playing with me. All right, so they're stupid thoughts, but I am doing something! And I'm reading "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten." Simple thoughts. That make you think more complex thoughts. So why am I antsy? Because I "shouldn't" be alone? Because I "should" ride my bike? One thing I need to keep reminding myself is that I can't do everything! Oh, but I want to! I feel I need to. Experience it all! I think I'm pretty well-balanced. The Libra in me. I do bits of this and a little of that - but don't do a whole lot of anything! Does that sum up my life, or what? I've lately been comparing my experience here with college life. My apartment is the size of a dorm room, I never feel like studying or going to work (classes), the social life revolves around drinking, it's fairly easy to meet people - superficially, though, "I don't know what I'm going to do with my life," blah. blah, woof, woof. It's 6:00, it's getting cloudy - time for a bike ride! Wednesday,
August 19, 1992 Listening to Tracy Chapman gets me down. Naw. Imagine that! I guess it reminds me of the time of life when I first heard it. Makes me think of "back home" and my friends. Yes, I think I'll be ready to go back in November (for Matt and Elizabeth's wedding). If not before. I was thinking of the elections. I'd sure love to be there to celebrate a Democratic victory! God, it would make me feel so much better about my country. About the direction in which it's headed. I stayed home today, because I pinched a nerve in my back and I'm pretty immobilized. Anneleis gave me a massage and that seemed to really help. But I've just been lying in bed all day. Sittin' 'n' thinkin'. I'm reading "All I Ever Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" and one story is about eating at small cafes and diners. I think: wouldn't that be fun? To travel across the USA, stopping here and there? Broadening my horizons. Meeting people would be easy -- they all speak the same language! I wonder if my friends think of me often. I mean, I'm always thinking of Bob, or Matt and Eli, or Alyssa, or John. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to have all my music here. Or to watch ABC News every morning. Makes me think more of "over there." You know, the more I think about going back, the more excited I get. Why? Running back or charging forward? A little bit of both?
9:20 PM Crazy neighbors. Annelies told everyone I was sick and my back hurt. Matilde sent Danny up with and analgesic spray. She says it's the change in the weather. (What change? It's still HOT!) Danny asked if I had a cough or if my lungs hurt. I said no, but he brought me soup anyway and said I shouldn't sleep with the windows open. Really, I just strained a muscle in the tiny shower stall! But it's nice...
Saturday,
August 22, 1992 I feel I should write, write, write. So much to say. But I also feel I should sleep, sleep, sleep. Went to another disco - Carambuco - with Joel last night. I loved the music. A lot of my old college faves - Talking Heads, the Cure, Dexy's, Sugarcubes. But there was nobody there. Too bad. It's a wonderful open-air disco out in the country. Beautiful setting. The Polish girl, Kasia, and 2 Germans and 2 other friends of Joel's came, too. He's so nice to me. I saw him at Bolivia Thursday night. First thing he said was, "You blew the job of your life!" Seems he had been to Bolivia looking for me Tuesday and Wednesday nights. In fact, he brought the producer from Canal Sur with him! There was an opening for a camera/audio position. Joel said he even came to my apartment complex and called me at work. Couldn't locate me. So they gave the job to someone else! $1800/month. Oh well. I'm being pretty philosophical about it. It just wasn't "meant to be." Maybe something else will come up. Joel's going to London on Monday - said he'll look into what's available. The BBC does a lot of shooting down here. I'm really feeling like I want to go back anyway. So it just doesn't matter! I had expected
to go out "for a drink" just to see Joel on Thursday. But he invited me
to Oh Marbella!, the exclusive disco in Marbella (about an hour's drive
down the coast). Of course, I accepted! There were two other guys going,
Kenny - a Spanish guy, pretty obnoxious - and a German named Uli. So we
went over to Donde to find some girls to come with us. Whatever. Finally,
after a 1/2 hour search and several rejections, two girls agreed to come.
We had two cars. Joel wanted me to ride with him - just the two of us.
Makes you go, "Hmmm." When we stopped for gas, I noticed the invitations
on the dashboard - Black and White Party (I was wearing jeans and a pink
shirt, hadn't put cologne or even deodorant on, looking scruffy -- feeling
like I'd really fit in in Marbella!), and it said it was for August 18.
Never mind that this was August 20. Oh well. I kept my mouth shut. I just
wanted to see what would happen. So we drive the 40 miles to Marbella
and arrive at this beautiful setting. At the door, the invitations were
refused - I'm having fun now. Luckily, Joel knew one of the workers. Apparently,
he had brought some famous actors and producers there once, so he's got
some clout. We got in. The place was gorgeous. Rather packed. Typical
techno music on the dancefloor inside. Outside, there was an incredible
pool - often used as a location for commercial shoots, says Joel - surrounded
by tables and chairs and a jazz band on stage. Very nice. There was also
access to the beach. This was about 3:30 AM when we arrived! We stayed
about an hour. The girls danced, Uli danced a bit. I thought it strange
that we had spent all that time tracking down these girls and then ignored
them! I ordered a beer. Joel had told me it would be expensive, but I
didn't pay for it. Well, she never asked me! I had my 2000 pesetas ready!
I'm glad I didn't pay. I'm so broke! So anyhow, we left and I was home
at 5:00 AM - after I had told myself, "2:00 at the latest." Right. Joel
and I did get a chance to talk a little on the drive. Thursday,
August 27, 1992 Things are looking suspicious at work. Herbert and Bernardo met today, but there's another meeting tomorrow. Herbert told me that they're thinking of moving. Rent's too much. He also talked about getting paid immediately for each wedding. Great. But what about the rest? I get the feeling they're going to keep telling me to "sit tight." I'll tell them I need the money by Monday to pay the rent. Otherwise, I'll walk. I'll tell them that I'll come back when I'm paid. I think that's fair. Friday,
August 28, 1992 I feel like I'm wrestling with demons. Once again, I'm torn. Haven't yet heard the results of today's meeting, but I'm so pessimistic. I think I should walk out now - before tomorrow's wedding if I'm not paid. Or on Monday. But the fact is, I need that money. So I'm stuck, aren't I? Does the "principle" outweigh the economics? If I work until the 15th at least I'd get some money. That just makes sense. Then I could screw 'em. Rent is due next week. I don't think I can withdraw from Visa for another 2 weeks. Stuck. No, of course I'm not really. Annelies could lend me money. There's MasterCard, too. But this really sucks having this weigh on my mind all the time. It was nice talking to Corrine and Annelies about it. Corrine says she had a great job in Holland, a house, a boyfriend, a Mercedes. But she left it. And now she's struggling. But for her, it's worth it. I just don't know if it's worth it for me. She says she has no regrets. Well, I don't have regrets for coming here, just maybe for staying now. If I stay now, I mean. Up to now - no problem. But now I'm doubting more. I think of calling Matt, but then Laurie Anderson says in my headphones, "I don't need anybody's help, I'm gonna get there on my own." So anyhow, as always it boils down to money, doesn't it? But doesn't getting paid - on time, in full - also represent respect? I don't like not being respected. I don't like being "used." It batters the self-esteem. 11:49 PM I love Spain right now. Happy with myself. Right with the world. I do think I'll still go out tonight. I was right an hour and a half ago. Plenty of time to do it all. Maybe I'm too tired to go out. Just like my life. Can't decide. I have to work a wedding tomorrow night. Drag. I can't believe I'm in Spain. Why? How did I land here? Me! Just me! Seems so silly. But you know, there are a lot of other people who did it, too. And we've all come together in this tiny corner of the world. Travelers. Passing through each other's procession of life. But then we go on, don't we? I have to remember this when I'm down about missing my friends. It's a lifetime journey. We pass in and out of each other's lives. Sometime we come back quite regularly - like comets. The circles - orbits -- cross. Some return, some don't. But they've all had an effect. Their "gravity" has altered our course a little bit. We're all molded by the people we interact with. Look at what you learn from your parents. Or what about someone who brought a bad experience to your life? How has that changed you? It's there. You still remember it, don't you? It's there. In your life history. I wonder where I'm going next. I can honestly say I don't have the slightest clue. Really. How exciting. (My confused twin says, "How frightening.) How brave! (How irresponsible.) How confident! (How insecure.) How adventurous! (How lonely.) Reflections on my life right now. 12:34 AM Doubtful about going out. I can't get rid of my confused twin. Why can't I come to a simple decision? I jumped up, opened the blinds, went out on the terrace. I was thinking of going out. Yeah. Why not? See what Annelies is doing. But... Why can't you just enjoy a night at home by yourself, without having to worry about the people you "might have met" if you had gone out. Just enjoy the ride. Why always have doubts about my decisions? Or lack of decisions. I really have to make a definite plan for tonight. I did think I'd go out, though. Is it okay to change your mind?....Every 42 seconds?? Roam if you want to. My mind is roaming. I could go out to see if anyone's at Bolivia/Donde. Is it worth the "risk"? What if no one's there? Then you've blown it, blockhead! Shut up, Lucy. Lucy. That's my twin. My twin has a name now. Whichever decision you make, it's okay! You did what you needed to do at that point in your life-journey. I had made the decision to go out - again. But now I'm wavering again. But it just doesn't matter. Either way is an exciting path. Outward. Inward. So much to be experienced in both caminos. Past. Present. Future. Monday,
August 31, 1992 So, I'm on strike. They again didn't have the partners meeting this morning. I told Herbert that I'll return when something is decided - Wednesday at earliest. He keeps telling me things will work out, but I'm growing ever-suspicious. He mentioned today that he had thought I was being paid in advance. Hoo boy. That's a good one. But maybe it's a trick they'll try to use. This really sucks. I have a feeling we'll have to come to a "compromise." Fine. Then I'll leave. If I could at least get the $500 owed me up to August 15th, it'd be something. 9:30 PM Well, my neighbors agree that I did what I had to do. I figured that I've earned 450 pesetas/hour - with the money they still owe me. But we get paid 1000 pts/hour for the weddings. That doesn't make sense. It was nice chatting with my vecinos. I need to do it more often. So. It's still a waiting game. But I'm pretty proud of my move today. Their move now. Sunday,
September 6, 1992 So I did a wedding last night. Pretty boring. But it should be an extra $80. I'm still very frustrated with the language. I did manage to talk with José about politics, work, etc. We had a little excitement finding the photo shop flooded upon our arrival there after the wedding. Nice diversion. Anyway, the wedding was okay. I do enjoy the food. I've had some great fish - swordfish, prawns, cream of lobster soup - pork cutlets, veal, cream of almond soup, all sorts of fun things. But it's still work. I was talking to Eva, the Swedish secretary at Miramar, and De today. Complaining about Spain. Eva had her hours cut from 8 to 4 hours a day. Not enough to live on, of course, but what can you do? Everyone seems to have money problems here. I've decided that I'll offer to stay on at work if they pay me $5/hour daily. If not, I'll leave the 15th. And if I'm not paid by the 15th, I'll strike again. So really, only 7 more days, because they probably won't accept my offer. It would be nice to earn a little extra money until October. Then I'd have money to travel. Maybe it will work out yet! Thursday,
September 10, 1992 So I'm on strike again. But this time, Herbert is too! He's pissed! There's a wedding scheduled for Saturday, so we have some leverage. And I have 2 finished weddings and a camera at home. Something has to happen. It's better than waiting until Tuesday. They haven't even paid the phone bill. It's been cut off. How stupid! Friday,
September 11, 1992 What an incredibly intense 24 hours!! In no particular order.... I got paid!! Yes! $1000 - actually 100,000 pesetas. So now I need to make a big decision. I still think I'm going to quit. I really don't want to continue. But the extra money would be nice. I still think I should continue past September 15th on a daily-paid basis. Earn a little more money, but make a commitment to leave. But I'll think some more on it this weekend. So anyway, last night at 9:00 I thought I'd never get the money. I was in a meeting with Bernardo, Andres and Herbert thinking about what else I could steal and how I could cover my tracks. I'd have to get my working papers back. Iwas wondering how long it would be before they noticed the camera and two weddings missing. Herbert had just threatened to walk - he actually got up and was collecting his things, saying, "You have my number." I thought, "Oh, shit, I'll never see that money!" But Andres calmed him down. Bernardo had accused him (I think) of over-estimating costs and keeping the extra money. He also said that Herbert hadn't done anything in 2 1/2 months. Herbert said Bernardo kept missing meetings, hadn't paid us or the phone bill. It was pretty ugly at times. I basically sat and watched, not knowing exactly what was going on , but MAN it was exciting!! I swear I was just giggling. What was I doing there anyway? Of all the spaces on earth, I was in that one. Life is fun! So it dragged on. Tempers were doused and we agreed on a plan for the future. But wait, I said. What about the present - my money? They said they'd pay me today. And they actually did! Although I still had doubts until the very end! After the meeting, I went to a party at Tomas' house with Joel and Helen. I had a great time. Tomas leaves today. Shame. Nice guy. Joel was being himself. He bought two huge steaks for us to grill - and had to let me know what a great price he got from his butcher friend. He and Helen were really hitting it off. Actually, Tomas and I were, too. But he's leaving! Anyway, Helen and I (and sometimes Joel) were talking about discrimination - racism and anti-gay/lesbian laws. It was a really nice party. Then we went to Donde/Bolivia for a bit. Earlier, we had gone to Joel's place. It's his parents really. What a liar! Anyway, we swam in the pool on the hillside overlooking El Palo and the sea. Very nice. Joel, of course, was on his mobile phone speaking English, Dutch, Spanish and French. He really needs to try to impress people. Met his sister and her boyfriend and his parents. I didn't really care for Carrie. A lot like Joel. But her boyfriend, David, was fun. Although he made some comment about blacks taking over the Caribbean islands. WHICH they sail to with the charter company they work for. (Joel had told me his sister had a large yacht. It's not even hers!!) You know, Joel also mentioned - he said it's a secret his father was privy to. Duh. - that South Africa is going to have "one man, one vote real soon." Wow. Thanks. I'm impressed. But he was bothered by it because "there will be problems with the end of white rule." Like there are no problems now! His parents seemed real cool. His mum has a pretty posh accent (as opposed to Carrie's pouty posh accent) And his dad's great. And while I was enjoying "the good life," I thanked God I didn't have their attitudes. But I was jealous of all the travel stories. Helen has been everywhere! How fascinating. So that was my past 24 hours. Too much!! Monday,
September 14, 1992 So. I quit! I've agreed to stay until the end of the month. It'll be an extra $300 plus maybe $200 with the weddings. Perfect. I'm going to teach Alberto how to edit, so he can take over. Herbert is really cool. He understands. He says he's "walked many kilometers" and still doesn't know where he's going. So I have to trust him to pay me what I'm owed at the end of the month. In the meantime, maybe I should do this "movie" I want to make. I was so nervous trying to tell Herbert I want to quit. Why? No big deal. I'm happy that I'm being honest and fair - even if they haven't been with me. You know, I had talked to Matt about it and he helped clarify things. I simply must let them know what I require to work here. If I don't get it, I can't stay. Simple. Herbert told me it would be a year before I would earn what I deserve to earn. Wednesday,
September 23, 1992 So I've been bummed because I haven't had any mail lately. But I got a visitor instead! David's a friend of Jane and Jon. He's traveling in Spain and Jane had given him my address and Annelies' phone number. So he just dropped in. It was one of those fun spontaneous things. We rode bikes to Annelies' yoga class, but got lost, so we went for a beer instead. Then we met up with people from the class afterwards. Went to a small, funky restaurant for a bite to eat, then to Plaza de la Merced for another drink. How fun! Friday,
September 25, 1992 I WIN AGAIN! I WIN AGAIN! I WIN AGAIN! Man, things are looking good. Just got to work out the details. Bloomfield Hills wants me to come back to work for 6 weeks at $100/day. I'll be subbing for my successor there, who'll be on maternity leave. That's put me there through Christmas. I could come back here in January. I just hope they don't decide they don't need me in the meantime. If so, I'll have to find another job. I can do it! And the extra $3000 will come in handy. Okay, it'll be less with taxes, but it'll pay for my plane, Christmas gifts and living expenses for the two months there. Perfect! So then, I'll probably still work until I leave Nov. 5th. That means Jenny and I may not be able to travel when she's here. And I wouldn't be here if Matt and Elizabeth come. But then again - I might go to Morocco tomorrow! I don't have to work again until Wednesday. Herbert's been giving me everything I've asked for lately. Okay, time off, but not more money. I'll ask David if he wants to go. It'd be cool! Saturday,
September 26, 1992 11:17 PM It's been a pretty exhausting day. And I'm sure that tomorrow will be, too. First, it was pouring down rain when we arrived in Tangiers. Of course, we were greeted by the standard hustler "guides." David tried the "be friendly but firm" approach when one leeched on to us. I pretty much tried to ignore him. But he wouldn't leave us despite our protestations and promises of no money. After walking a while in the rain, we made it very clear that he had to leave us and he got rather belligerent - almost violent. In fact, he said, "I'll kill you" at one point. And he had some "friends" rush to his support later on. It was a bit unnerving but we finally got rid of him after he spent 5 minutes calling us names and jabbing us with his finger, demanding to be paid for "showing us the way." David was pretty shaken. I thought it was a great experience! We certainly learned a lot. We never should have let him follow us in the first place. But we found a hotel, dried out for a bit, then went out for dinner and walked around the market area. The sights and sounds, although soggy, were fascinating! We were latched onto a couple more times, but pretty much ignoring them seemed to do the trick. Tomorrow should be fantastic!
Sunday,
September 27, 1992 What a country! We're traveling from Tangiers to Fes. On the "first leg" we met a young man who spoke English and was very friendly. He told us, among other things, that there have been floods and riots in Fes and it's very dangerous right now. Then he told us we needed to get off the train with him and wait for the connection to Fes. Well, we almost did, but David asked an employee and we figured out we were supposed to change trains later. He was talking about going to a "market" 5 km from the station. Who knows what he really was after. Hooboy. We could've really had some trouble. But he was so nice... Anyway, then we met some people where we sat next. The man, Mohammed, spoke some French. Since I took one semester in college, that's how we communicated! There were also two girls, Hend and Rafa, who were very nice. They were all going to "Casa" - Casablanca. We listened to Arabic music on their pink portable tape player. And we managed to talk about a few things. Found out we were all single. Mohammed suggested that I marry Rafa! They said they'd tell us when we had to change trains, so that relieved us. We had a visit from 2 little girls who Mohammed apparently knew. It was really fun!! A great cross-cultural experience, albeit frustrating with the language. We took photos and said we'd send them to them. Then we met Abdul, a teacher who speaks English. He lives in Fes and invited us to his house. I think we'll check into a hotel first, and then we could do it without fear. I'm enjoying learning.
Monday,
September 28,1992 Woof! What a couple of days! I can't believe I have friends in Fes! We found out that, yes, Abdul is a hustler. But a benevolent hustler. He's lied to us - quite a bit actually - but the end result is that everyone's happy. That's the rhythm of life in Morocco! He took us to his home on the edge of the medina. It was incredible, the squalor we passed through. Kids playing in the narrow, garbage-filled alleys, saying, "Bonjour" when they saw us. We had traditional Moroccan tajine and mint tea. It was fantastic! Then he mentioned he was going to take a walk through the medina. Oh, we would like to come with him? Sure, why not? He's so slick! We wandered through the incredible maze of the medina, stopping occasionally to look at a leather tannery, carpet maker, etc. It was so delicious just soaking up all the sights, smells and sounds. Then we ended up at a carpet store that Abdul "had never been to before." A fact he told us several times. When the big sales pitch came - after some mint tea - we knew we had been scammed. In fact, David found it perfectly spelled out in his guide book. "A man will meet you several stops before your destination, invite you to tea in his home, take you to the medina, and then to the shop of a friend." Pretty much says it all. Anyway, David got into the bargaining - arguing that he didn't want to buy until his (fictitious) girlfriend could come back to see the carpets. Total scamming on all sides! But the end result was that David got a good deal on a carpet, the owners made a profit, and Abdul got a commission to be sure. I got a fascinating experience! I was rather put off at first when I found out it was a scam and they started applying pressure, while saying, "You don't have to buy. We're friends!" and other assorted bullshit. But then I got to enjoying it for the game that it was. Really. That's all it is! And (usually) everyone wins!
This morning David and I wandered the "new Fes" area of the medina and had to fend off some pretty persistent "guides." They were very annoying. But again, part of the game. We managed to find our way around pretty well on our own. But then Abdul met us again at 2:30 and we went back to Fes-al-Bali - old Fes, dating from the 9th century. We stopped for mint tea at a tiny cafe full of old Moroccan men playing cards - while Abdul excused himself "to go to the toilet." He kept disappearing on us all the time. No doubt making other arrangements for us to go somewhere "he's never been." We went to buy some tea services at a really nice place. The shopkeeper was very friendly. David was trying to speak Spanish with him most of the time. I managed to get a brass tea service (for Matt and Eli) and an extra teapot (for me!) from about $200 to $52. Not bad. Then we went to buy camel hair blankets. $30 - good deal. The salesman there, Youssif, said he has a friend in Málaga (the director of the school where Carmen from my yoga class teaches!) and he'll come visit me. He also said I could stay with him next time I come to Fes! So it's been quite an exhausting and exciting 2 days in Fes. I hope to keep in touch with Abdul even though he's a scammer. But it is a win-win-win situation! The Moroccan people really are a hospitable people. If you can look past the hustling. It really seems to be part of the culture. You have to accept it a you would accept any cultural differences. Wednesday,
September 30, 1992 The long journey is nearing its end. We're on the bus to Málaga. Of course, I'm supposed to be at work right now. Oh well. Sure enough, we had to spend the night in Tangiers. And we had to find a place that took credit cards since we didn't have any dirhams. But it worked out okay. The ferry back to Spain was nice. Much better weather this time. I didn't realize how close the two continents were. Beautiful scenery. This rolling countryside in Cádiz province is nice, too. On the train yesterday, we met two more Moroccans. One lives in Fes, has studied in London and gave us his address so we can stay with him in Fes. Really friendly people here! The other was friendly, too. He invited us to spend last night at his house in a small town. We said we had to get to Tangiers. Just before he left, he asked if we wanted some hashish! I was tempted... Good thing David's here. On my own, I'd probably fall for so many tricks. Naiveté. Oh well. Next time I'd rather go by car. Much more freedom with the time, plus you'd avoid a lot of the hustlers. Maybe I could get Joel to go. His French would certainly help. You know, more than one Moroccan said something about "the more you give, the more you receive" in life. I like that. Alms-giving is one of the 5 tenants of Islam. I guess that's why they're so hospitable. Youssef mentioned that when you die, you don't take anything with you, so why accumulate a lot of things. He prefers to travel. Me too! 3:00 PM Ay! Just when it seemed we were home-free. We just passed through Marbella when the air-conditioning went out. Now we're stopped by the side of the road. To fix it? ¿Quién sabe? ¡Qué calor! This is getting to be too much. I guess I'll never get to work today! Tuesday,
October 6, 1992 Man! I'm starting to swing again. So I've been thinking ... maybe I don't want to come back to Málaga in January. Frustrations at work, lack of good social outlets. I don't know. I just can't seem to get it together. There's something so appealing about being back there. There? Where? I always want to be where I'm not. How come? Today's downslide comes from not feeling good at work. Language thing still. And a feeling of having a lack of creativity. Sometimes I just can't find it. Herbert was trying to "talk it out of me." Telling me about the different minds and ways of thinking. Not that I could understand most of what he was saying. I just want to be comfortable at work. And I'm not. But then, it's a job, isn't it? Yeah, but outside of work, things are lacking, too. I'm tired of Spanish. Speaking it, living it. Plus the money. It'll cost me $1300 to come back to Spain -- with the flight and rent. I could do a lot with that money. I could live 2 months on that. Or travel for a month. Or buy a car. Or a computer. Shit. Why do I do this to myself?
Saturday,
October 10, 1992 Where am I? In Ubrique with Frank and Annelies. We're having a good time - although it took us 2 hours and 3 towns to find lodging. We went out tonight. Not much action here. And no restaurants! Plus, it's the eve of hunting season, so the locals are hyped. I do like the idea of bringing kids - whole families - to the bar. They really give special attention to the kids here. We're in a cute little pensión - only $10 a night. God, I'd love to run a bed and breakfast. I really need to look into that! I feel pretty comfortable speaking Spanish with Annelies and Frank, too. Maybe I should return here in January! ¿Quién sabe? Monday,
October 12, 1992 Yowzie! I'm watching the closing of Expo '92 live from Sevilla. I was wishing I had recorded it somehow - to show people what Expo was like. And I'm thinking of how I could describe everything. Of course, I can't. There's no way to relate all the sights and sounds, the sensations of everything. The water/laser show just finished for the 180-something-th time. How do you describe it? I can't even try. Shit. I want to try, but can't start. Sensory overload. Makes me think of telling people about my experience in Spain. So much to say. No possible way to tell it all. Perhaps my time here has paralleled Expo '92. How fitting that I'm leaving shortly after its closing. The King is speaking now. Giving the closing address. What a busy year for him. All the speeches, all the visiting dignitaries because of Expo and the Olympics. What a year! And to think I was here to take it all in. Curro. Cobi. Now history. And today, the 500th anniversary of Columbus' landing. All behind us now. What a year it's been for Spain. For me! And tomorrow - an hour from now - my 30th birthday. What lies ahead? I can't believe it's over. Expo. My time here in Málaga. My twenties. All behind me now. What to look forward to now? Costa Rica? Thirty-something? Wow. I'm sitting here thinking I can do anything with my life. So many options! So many possibilities! It's really incredible, isn't it? To not have ni puta idea where I'll be in three months. Incredible! Monday,
October 19, 1992 Oh, here's another tidbit for the chapter on "Frustrations: No phone/No car." Elisabeth and I want to go visit Frank tonight and celebrate her penultimate night in Málaga. So we have to walk 20 minutes in the rain and hope he's home. No phone, no car. Anyway, Elisabeth and I had a nice talk. She said she's thinking of going to Turkey to live in a friend's house next summer - and invited me to come. You know I'll consider it! Free lodging near a beach, fruit trees to eat from. What more could I want? It's so fun to entertain previously unthinkable thoughts! That's what freedom does to you. Wednesday,
October 28, 1992 So I've come down to my last week in Spain. Spain! I still can't believe I've been in Spain for the past 9 months! And I can't believe all the wonderful friendships I've developed here. From the very start with Dave and Gitta, through Andre, Steffi, Jeannet, Gitte, Barbara, Frank, Annelies, Alton, Joel, Elisabeth. There are so many people who've touched my life. Wonderful friends. It's truly been a dream come true! But it's not a dream! It's reality. I can make what I want of my life. I just have to decide what it is that I want! Sunshine and warmth. Good friends. Security of money. That's all!
Thursday,
October 29, 1992 French Frank and I are traveling in Portugal. We're in Nazaré. It's a very touristy village on the Atlantic. But, of course, at this time of year it's a pretty sleepy town. We're staying in a home. I feel so funny doing that. We bargained the lady down from 5000 to 3000 escudos. Unintentionally. But anyway, I hope the weather is better tomorrow so we can enjoy it. It must be beautiful. I love the waves crashing in. Makes me think I should run a bed and breakfast on the California coast. It rained all day today. I hated it. We walked around Porto in the morning, but I really didn't enjoy it. We took a tour of the Sandeman Port warehouse which was pretty fun. I think Porto would be beautiful in nice weather. I have to admit, though, I'm ready to go home. Home to Málaga. Even home to Detroit. For a while. Frank asks me every day, "What do you think today? Are you coming back to Málaga in January?" I tell him I honestly don't know. And I honestly don't know! We'll see what happens in the next two months. Monday,
November 2, 1992 So now I feel I'm just waiting. For Godot? For the other shoe to drop? For someone to come rescue me? I've started packing. Oh, how I hate it! Nine months worth of my life into 2 bags. Impossible! And I hate saying good-bye. I said good-bye to Herbert and Antonio at TVP. I'll see María José tomorrow. Gitta tonight. Still haven't contacted Joel. Or Jeannet. I'm sitting on my terrace waiting... for the sunset. It should be beautiful tonight. Latest thoughts put me in Central America in 1993. We'll see. Still haven't sold my bike. Haven't asked anyone. Why do I procrastinate so? I'll be on a plane in 3 days. The world is so beautiful. I'm watching the birds fly by. The cloud formations. The mountains. Wednesday,
November 4, 1992 Shit. I wish I could write! I want to convey the events of watching the Spanish coverage of the US elections. It's pretty fun! But I can't write much, because I cut my hand in a stupid freak accident with the oven and had to get 5 stitches! I was lighting the oven to cook a frozen pizza (at midnight). When I went to light the gas, there was a big flare-up. I pulled my hand back and caught the back of my hand on the metal grate. I ran down to Annelies saying, "What do I do?" She said, "I don't know! Let's ask Fernando." So we ran over there. "What do we do?" We weren't sure it needed stitches, but decided it would be better to go to the hospital. What a stupid thing to happen right now. I had no idea how I was going to pay for it either. When we got there, they asked me my name, age, and which neighborhood I lived in. Then a doctor put in 5 stitches. I was done in 20 minutes and I didn't have to pay a thing! Socialized health care. What a great topic for this night. In fact I told the doctor that's one reason I liked Clinton. Nationalized health care. Anyway, it's looking good for Clinton -- yea!! But it's only 7:30 PM in the east. Things won't really be assured for several hours yet. Thursday,
November 5, 1992 Such great stories here... if they don't kill me first! So it's my last night in Spain. First I said good-bye to Javier at Annelies' house. He made it one of those horrible, dragged out, verge-of-tears good-byes. Annelies said he really liked me. Se nota. Then Frank, Fernando, De, Annelies and I went to Donde/Bolivia. Still never saw Joel again. Anyway, De and I went back to Donde to watch a great blues band perform. There was a black woman singer who was fantastic. I really enjoyed it. How special for my última noche. Then De came over and I gave her my radio and extra food rations. We exchanged addresses and bid good-bye. She walked down my steps and up hers to her door. I made sure she had the key in the door, then turned off the light and closed the door. But it wasn't over yet. I heard this rattling sound on the steps. Was she beating her carpet? No, she couldn't get her door open! So I climbed along the ledge to her place and tried the key. No luck. We thought we could try the small window from the terrace. So we went out to my terrace to climb over to hers. I got a broomstick to reach better, but we couldn't get the door handle to turn. The neighbor on the other side came out with some pliers and some advice. Her advice didn't work, but the pliers did. I was just able to reach the handle through the window with the pliers. What a great ending! 8:25 PM Yes, there were tears in my eyes as I left Frank and Annelies. And also when I watched Málaga fall behind me from the airplane. I had avoided thinking about it much, but it caught up to me. Then I kept myself distracted by reading about the election. I'm in a Youth Hostel in Brussels, not feeling much like writing. I haven't gotten much sleep the past two nights, but I don't feel like sleeping, either. Too early. Too uncomfortable. I hope I sleep well because tomorrow will be a long day. I can't believe I've left Málaga -- possibly for good. I already miss Annelies. Once again, I'm scared and apprehensive about the future. Life is hard. Life is easy. Just depends on how you look at it. Always advantages and disadvantages to every choice. Right now missing Málaga is outweighing the excitement of being with my friends in Detroit. You know, there were so many people I didn't say good-bye to. What a shame. So many people have touched my life in the past 9 months. I'll always remember the experiences. |
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So
when I have nights like these past two nights, I think, "Wow, I could
really like it here." But I do need to change my job situation. It's just
bringing me down! But the social life's been bringing me right back up.
I'm actually enjoying Donde/Bolivia! Because I'm meeting people. Why is
that so hard for me to do? Joel is so good at it! I found out his mother
is English, father is French and he was born in Málaga. He also
works for a Dutch clothing company called Nomad. Damn interesting guy.
Rafa came over last night. I was supposed to meet him and Kiko at Donde,
but didn't see them. Tengo que practicar mi español. I haven't
gone back to the Feria. Too bad. It is kind of fun seeing people on horseback
occasionally riding down the street or on the beach! Only in Spain. Only
during the Feria! 
