Monday, February 10, 1992
8:00 PM

I enjoyed the first day of class! It will definitely be a pain in the ass to get on the 7:10 train every morning. Classes start at 8:30 - and today I was twenty minutes late. An 1:40 commute! I should be able to make it by 8:30, if I hurry from the train to the bus - a 10 minute walk at least. Anyway, we took a paseo around the neighborhood. Stopped at a bodega for some wine-tasting - at 9:30 am! Then we stopped at a cafe for desayuno. Great start to the day. Got a chance to talk to some classmates, too. Several are German, 2 are Dutch, one Swiss and one Danish. I'm going to miss out on a lot being here in Torreblanca. They seem like a partying group. I'll have to stay in Málaga a few days. I hope they can come out here one day, too. I'll see how the week goes before I make any decisions on if I should stay here or move into student housing in Málaga. They have 5 guys in one place. That'd be a drag. I like my privacy. I'm bummed that I won't have my morning sun on my terrace. I like both instructors. It'll be a great experience, I'm sure. I really wish I could pick up the phone and call my friends! I miss sharing things with them!

Tuesday, February 11, 1992
8:45 PM

Life changes so quickly sometimes. A chance meeting, small talk. This new guy in class, Tim, was looking for an apartment and roommate. I told him my situation and said I might be interested. We had a couple of beers at a cafe while waiting for the landlady to return. He's a really cool guy. We talked about traveling. About life in general. I figured he'd be a good person to live with. He speaks Spanish very well -- and I can pick up some German, too! Anyway, we saw the apartment and it's nice. A lot of room, but a bit dingy. But it's right behind the Paseo Maritimo and two blocks from the school. So I agreed to it. It'll be nice being close to the other students. And Tim will introduce me to the locals, too. My Spanish will improve dramatically. If I want that to happen, I have to leave Torreblanca. I'm getting too secure here. It's holding me back. I'll really miss them! I have tears in my eyes. Leaving friends is so hard! I have to remember the fox in "The Little Prince." My friends will always still be there!

Tuesday, February 18, 1992
1:30 AM

I love it! We had people over to our place tonight. Much better than spending money at the bar anyway. We sat up on the terrace drinking wine, listening to Spanish music and talking. About so many things. Soccer, movies, travel, work. I brought out my map and everyone showed where they lived. Then we started in on bullfights. Tim is very supportive of them, while Andre and Jeannet are very against. Everyone else has varying degrees of disdain. We talked about government regulation and popular support. Then we moved on to the death penalty where Andre and Jeannet were for it and Tim and I were against. They said that since Holland has such liberal laws, they are forced to support it because otherwise killers can get off easily. I argued about not always having absolute proof that someone is guilty. It was a very good discussion. I brought up "The Thin Blue Line." Andre brought up a case in Holland where a child-killer got out in 5 years. It was great. We then moved on to the Gulf War, Iraq, then back to bullfighting, the government and its role, the ozone and CFCs, abortion, political correctness, feminism, Nazism, David Duke, back to bullfighting and the death penalty, and finally ended up with religion. Fantastic! Andre, Tim and I stayed on for an hour and a half after everyone else left. God, I wish I could have recorded it. These different cultures mingling. Every once in a while, two or three people would break off onto a side topic - sometimes in German. Cool! I was watching Andre's shadow on the wall as he was talking and imagining making a film or video. God, there's so much! I love this life! I went to Torreblanca last night to see the gang there. It's nice to see them, but this is where I need to be. I talked to Matt and Elizabeth yesterday. I want them to be here!

Monday, March 2, 1992
1:00 PM

¡Carnaval, Carnaval, Carnaval! We ended up not going to Cádiz until Saturday afternoon. I think it was for the best. Two days would've been too much! On Friday, we did nothing all day. Andre complained all day about what a waste it was. We couldn't rent a car. That night, Tim, Andre and I went to Málaga to see "Delicatessen" - a French farce dubbed into Spanish. It was good. Then we walked around Carnaval downtown. It was okay, but not many people were dressed up. Tim wanted to stay at Salsa all night, but I wanted to walk around more and we did. Saturday, it looked like it would be a repeat of Friday. We finally got a car at noon, but then had to find Ronnie and Jorg. We got stuck in traffic near Torremolinos. It looked like it would rain. But we finally made it to Cádiz. It was fantastic. Thousands of people in the streets - most in costume. We each bought a hat and/or mask, too. There was so much going on. It went on for blocks and blocks. People dancing and singing in the streets. We were drinking vodka lemon. Biggest mistake I've made in a long time. We started drinking at 10:00. I was sick by 12:30. It was a fun 2 1/2 hours! But then I had to walk around the corner and find a nice place to vomit! Fortunately, (for me, not him) Andre joined me soon after. Tim brought him over, sat him next to me, and asked me to keep an eye on him. Yeah, right. The blind leading the blind. The sick caring for the sick. But I must admit that I enjoyed it. I left him for a while to try to find Tim to get the keys to the car. When I came back, he was sitting on the ground with this guy's hand in his pocket trying to steal his money. Tim eventually showed up and we got the keys. Then I had to guide Andre back to the car - about 5 km. I had wanted to find a taxi, but couldn't. When we finally did, Andre thought he'd be sick in it, so we had to walk the whole way. We had to stop once in a while for him to get sick. So that's how Andre and I found ourselves asleep by 4:00 AM when everyone else continued until dawn. Ronnie was borracho also. People were dancing around him while he was sleeping standing up. He looked ridiculous, with his colorful blanket around him and a green wig on. Later, he found a truck with a mattress in it and slept there. Then the owners came and gave him a black eye. ¡Que divertido! I really am sorry I didn't get to enjoy it more. But it was a great experience!

Sunday, March 8, 1992
2:15 AM

It's really been a difficult two days. I've had to say good-bye to Ronnie, Jorg, Uli and Mette. I hate it. All these good-byes. I remember Lark yelling at me my last day in high school, saying how it hurts to meet and love people, then watch them leave. I was just talking about it with Andre. I can't imagine how hard it will be when he leaves. Change. It's always hard. But it's almost always for the best in some way. I've been feeling very frustrated and lonely, too. I need someone to talk to. About missing my friends. About missing Bob. About missing my former life. I just can't meet people at Bolivia. I hate it. Hate, hate, hate. I'm so full of hate lately. We went to Bar Salsa - again - last night. It was packed. I went out of my mind. I had to leave. The first time, everyone else came out in a bit and we walked around. Then we went back to find Andre, but found Tim instead. Later we went back, found Andre, but he left before I could talk to him. Then it was still so crowded, so Jeannet and I left and went back to Bolivia. Arrgh! There must be more! I hate being in this indecisive, wishy-washy, paralyzed state. I was whining today about what to do about video equipment, saying how it's hard because I could be losing money, and Andre said, "Listen, you're losing money not doing it. Just make a decision and go for it." Boom. A slap in the face. Thanks, Andre, I needed that! Seriously. Karen surely would have said the same thing. "Stop whining!" Andre can be profound. I really think he fits into my life, but I don't think he thinks I fit into his. Who knows? Who cares? The fact is that we're both here now, touching each other's lives and then we'll part. Just like all relationships in life. The parting may be temporary or permanent. Long or short. I've certainly parted from all past relationships.

Friday, April 3, 1992
1:30 am

Well, it's here. The last day of classes. I haven't really studied for the exam. It doesn't really matter to me. Pase lo que pase. I talked with Abdel at Malaca Instituto today. He wasn't terribly promising about video job potential there. He said the director of his school has to pay Joaquin (the director of my scool) millions of pesetas from their divorce settlement. Interesting. I gues they used to both own both schools, but each got one in the settlement. How very Peyton Place. I talked with a British man, Julian, about teaching English. He gave me a lot of good advice. I'm going to Gibraltar with him on Tuesday to look at video cameras. Gotta keep those options open. We had dinner at the girls' tonight. I can't believe Andre will be gone soon. But I am looking ahead to the future. I played around some more with Alhambra's video mixer today. Maybe I can borrow it for my freelance business. It's not being used there. I've been thinking that it would be better to live in Fuengirola or Marbella if I pursue video with tourists or expatriates. I enjoyed last night (Wed.) We went to see "Bugsy" (in Spanish) and then had tapas and drinks. A nice change.

Sunday, April 12, 1992
1:00 PM

Yeah, yeah. I'm holding back the tears. Andre just left. Yes, it was as hard as I thought it would be. I guess I feel a bit better that he was also holding back some tears. On to a new chapter in life. He was a good addition to my life. But now I'm forced to be a little more independent and that will be good. Last night we had a bunch of people over here. Then we went to Bolivia. Others went to the center while this new girl, Jeanette, who lived in Birmingham, Michigan for a year, and I went to see a blues band and then went dancing here in Pedregalejo. Then we ran into Joop at Donde. We thought of going to Bar Havana, but couldn't find a taxi. So he and I came back here and talked on the terrace. It was a beautiful night. Very romantic. He wants to move in here in May. Funny how doors close and others open. All right, that's it for my moping and feeling sorry for myself. I'm really happy for Andre. Just a little sad for myself.