Zombies vs. Robots vs. Ninja vs. Pirates vs. Cowboys: the RPG

by Chris "Mirage" Casey

Note: If you intend to actually play this thing, you'll need to check out the System DL rules or figure out a way to convert over to your favorite RPG ruleset. In System DL, a stat of 1 is very low, 3 is average and 5 is very high (for a normal human). Skills range from 1 to 5 and are added to the stat.

This is a very rough (and childishly enthusiastic) draft. I make no claim that you'll actually be able to do anything with it. If you copy it without permission, take credit for it elsewhere, or (heaven forbid) try to publish any of it for cash moneys, I squishy you head. And sue you silly. This file © 2002 by Christopher Casey. So there.

THE SETTING

The game takes place on Adventure Island! (exclamation point required), a largish tropical island far from the trade lanes. Strangely, Adventure Island! doesn't seem to stay in any particular place for long; sometimes it appears to be in the Caribbean, other times in the South Pacific, and even on occasion in the Indian Ocean. Those who have been there and lived to tell the tale suppose Adventure Island! only appears where and when somebody goes to look for it.

Adventure Island! has many different zones: Dinosaur Valley, Pirate Cove, the Volcano, the Pygmy Rainforest, Monster Cave, the Hidden Villain's Lair ... any terrain you need to create a game. There's no reason to map Adventure Island!, as whole regions seem to appear and disappear overnight. The island itself, however, maintains the same basic shape and is recognizable by any sailor who has seen it before. The coastline is the most stable area, so outposts there have existed for many years. On the interior, Dinosaur Valley and the Volcano have also existed through recorded history. It's rare for people to suddenly disappear in the shifting interior areas; there seems to be something about a person standing in an area that prevents it from vanishing. Natives of the lands in question do pop up from time to time, though, along with the land's general climate. So if an arctic area complete with Eskimos appears in the interior, it will continue to be cold and snowy there even while the rest of the island enjoys warm weather. Long-time residents of Adventure Island! think of these shifting areas as spooky if not downright dangerous, and will avoid them if possible.

There are a few "permanent" islands near Adventure Island!, from the "sandy mound with one palm tree" variety up to volcanic rock islands of fairly respectable size.

THE CHARACTERS

Characters can choose between the five main archetypes. To create a character, use the rules described in the System DL ruleset up until you add skills. Each archetype has five defining skills, and you'll have 8 points to divide up only among those skills. Then you'll receive 4 more points to spend on optional skills, or add to your existing skills, as you see fit.

ZOMBIES

• Zombie Endurance (BODY): This "Skill" is your inherent ability to keep going and going and going. Besides its use as a generic Endurance skill, your ZE Skill Total determines how long you can go, in days, before you really need to eat another brain.
• Zombie Moan (MIND): You can scare the pants off any target or group of targets simply by forcing air from your tattered lungs in a hideous mockery of your once-living voice. Compare your Zombie Moan Skill Total to the MIND (Willpower) scores of the opposition; if you win, they receive a -2 penalty to hit you until next turn. If you win by 3 or more, they can't attack you at all, and may even flee! Zombie Moan is an Automatic Action, and it doesn't work on other Zombies.
• Stench of Death (BODY): You stink of rotting flesh and unearthly foetor. If you stay in a small room or other enclosed space (like a coffin) for more than an hour, everyone who enters or is suddenly exposed to your concentrated stench must compare BODY to your SoD Skill Total or lose all actions in a turn ... as well as their lunch. Other Zombies, of course, are unaffected, as are any characters with no sense of smell or who don't need to eat (like a Robot).
• Grapple (BODY): Standard hand-to-hand attack skill.
• Blind Eye (MIND): You're single-minded and not easily distracted. Once you determine a course of action, others can only distract you by comparing their MIND (Persuasion) score to your Blind Eye Skill Total. Blind Eye can also help prevent "zombie lock" (see below).

Zombies are immune to pain, poison, disease, fatigue, and exposure. They can never truly be knocked unconscious, though overflowing their SD total will take one out of a fight for a few hours. They can talk and are often fairly intelligent, although their speech is halting and painful.

Zombies are created with 10 stat points, and receive 6 extra points to both SD and PD. Zombies must eat at least one living human brain every BODY (Zombie Endurance) days, or else one fresh major human organ every day. Each day a Zombie "starves," it will permanently lose one stat point (Zombie's choice); if any stat drops below 0, the Zombie falls apart. Zombies can overcome this limitation by choosing to enter Zombie Torpor. In this state, the Zombie "sleeps", often for years, but can be awakened by activity as easily as a sleeping human.

Finally, Zombies are occasionally subject to "zombie lock," a condition which occurs when a Zombie pursues a single course of action for too long. Compare the number of days the Zombie's been doing a single action to its MIND (Blind Eye); if it loses the contest, the Zombie will be unable to change its course until the action is completed, even when a change would be in its best interest.

ROBOTS

• Push/Shove (BODY): To the untrained eye there's not much difference between these disciplines, though Robots will argue the finer points of them for hours. The game effect is the same for both, however. This is your hand-to-hand combat skill, with a twist: damage depends on exactly what the target is pushed/shoved into, within one Range distance. Slamming to the ground or into a wall does a base 2 Stun damage, but being pushed/shoved down a flight of stairs, into a well, or off a cliff can be subtantially more damaging.
• Robot Endurance (BODY): Much like Zombie Endurance, RE determines how unstoppable you truly are. RE is also used to determine how long you can go without refuelling.
• Metallic Domination (MIND): This skill allows you to show off your grinding, whirring, gleaming metallic components to such effect that it may cause those puny meatbags to cringe and cower before your mechanical might. Compare your Metallic Domination Skill Total to their MIND (Willpower); if you win, they receive an automatic -2 to affect you until their next action.
• Gadgets (MIND): This skill has two uses. First, you can use Gadgets to repair broken mechanical or electronic items, with a difficulty determined by the GM. Second, you can use this skill to alter yourself, converting parts of your own form into makeshift weapons or other useful items. The ultimate effect of these items depends on how you divide up your Gadget Skill Total, as follows:
  - WEAPON: 1 pt per Range; 1 pt per Stun Damage OR 2 pts per Physical Damage
  - REMOTE: 1 pt per half-mile range; 1 pt per RpT independent movement capacity; 1 pt per Hit
  - BOOST: 2 pts per single stat bonus; 1 pt per turn
  Configuring yourself via Gadgets takes 10 turns, and reconfiguring for a different application of the Gadgets skill takes another 10 turns. Each time you use a particular Gadget configuration, the cumulative difficulty goes up by 1; if this difficulty exceeds your Gadget skill, you take 1 point of Stun Damage per use.

• Brotherhood of Electrons (MIND): By plugging in, you can convince your mechanical brethren to do as you wish. Essentially, this is a robotic version of the Persuasion skill, usable only on electronic items.

Robots don't suffer from human concerns like "emotions" or "sympathy," and are immune to pain, poison, disease, exposure, etc. They also receive two points of all-around Armor to reflect their efficient shiny metal casings. Robots can be knocked unconscious, usually with a shower of sparks to show for it. They receive a +2 bonus to BODY; their stat max for BODY is 7.

All Robots are universally programmed with Three Laws which determine their behavior. (Nobody knows exactly why, but it seems to be a prerequisite of artificial intelligence.) These Laws always begin with "This Robot will ... "

Paradoxes are the bane of a Robot's existence. A Robot who is caught in a logic error, finds a dilemma between two of its Laws, or breaks one of its Laws will experience Paradox, at which time it will suffer three SD points per turn until it shuts down. There is no way to stop a Paradox cascade once it starts, but many Robots will have at least one turn to rampage around with smoke pouring from its ears first. (Note to clever players: don't try the old "This robot will never experience Paradox" trick as one of its Laws. The GM will just determine you can in fact experience Paradox, which in itself creates a Paradox, and then string you along with seizures whenever he sees fit.)

Robots require fuel, of a type decided upon when the Robot character is created. Fuels need to be replenished every BODY (Robot Endurance) days. All Robots have an On/Off switch secreted somewhere on their bodies; on a called shot (-7), an opponent can target this switch and instantly shut down the Robot.

NINJA

• Flip Out (MOVE): This is a Ninja's "vigorous acrobatics and hand-to-hand martial arts" skill. Nuff said.
• Be Unseen (MIND): Without this skill, a Ninja just isn't a Ninja. A combination of Hide and Stealth skills, this is the Ninja's ability to skulk in shadows, use misdirection, hide behind objects, etc. in order to ... well, be unseen. This does not include silent movement, which requires the Move Silently skill below. Be Unseen is an Automatic skill.
• Thrown Weapons (MOVE): Useful to fling those throwing stars around.
• Swordsmanship (MOVE): Useful to hack people up like sushi. Mmmm, sushi.
• Move Silently (MOVE): The other half of the Ninja experience, along with Be Unseen above. The difficulty to Move Silently depends on the surface the Ninja is walking on. Both Move Silently and Be Unseen tests are required if the Ninja wants to sneak right up on someone. Move Silently is an Automatic skill.

Ninja receive a black bodysuit, two short Japanese swords (sai or wakizashi), and a half dozen throwing stars. Ninja get an automatic +2 to MOVE (max 7).

All Ninja are Bound by Honor, which means they must receive orders from their mysterious patrons and carry them out to the best of their abilities, even if the order is seemingly suicidal. Failing to follow an order will bring shame and disgrace upon the unlucky Ninja, who instantly loses his +2 stat bonus, Be Unseen and Move Silently skills until he can somehow clear his name.

PIRATES

• Swashbuckle (MOVE): This is a Pirate's "jumping around" athletics skill, good for swinging on yardarms and the like.
• Pirate Shanty (MIND): A proper Pirate always has a song on his lips as well as steel in his hand. Seeing such flippant courage in the face of mortal danger will cause an opponent's blood to curdle, giving him a -2 penalty on his next attempt to attack the Pirate. Pirate Shanty is an Automatic skill and doesn't work on emotionless things like Robots.
• Cutlass (MOVE): A Pirate's weapon and no mistake!
• Pet (MIND): Every Pirate comes with a small pet, be it a parrot, a monkey, or something even less likely. This skill determines how well trained this pet may be, and gives the Pirate some modicum of control over the animal.
• Seamanship (MIND): Covers all aspects of manning a corvette-sized fighting sailing vessel, from how to tack into the wind to how to fire a 7-pound cannon.

Pirates start out with a pea coat, tri-cornered hat, cutlass, map to buried treasure, and a small animal companion. Pirates must also take a single Physical Flaw: a lost eye (-2 to anything involving depth perception, including ranged combat), a peg leg (-2 to MOVE when determining running speed), or a hook hand (no fine manipulation, but gain a special 1PD weapon for hand-to-hand combat). Other flaws with similar effects can be pitched to the GM.

A Pirate's Pet is his best friend in dark times. All pets have the following stats:

BODY 1 MOVE 3 MIND 3(Animal) LUCK 2 PD 4 SD 4

The Pet also receives 8 points to spread among its special abilities. Every Pet has the ability Trainable, plus two others:

Parrot: Repeat Message (MIND), Flight (MOVE, at a speed of (Flight x 10) Ranges per turn)
Monkey: Manipulate Items (MIND), Climb (MOVE)
Lemur: Awareness (MIND), Move Silently (MOVE)
Rat: Diseased Bite (BODY, causes a mild fever which reduces the victim's maximum PD and SD by 1 for a few days), Be Unseen (MOVE)

The difficulty of getting a Pet to do exactly what you want is equal to 10 minus the Pet's MIND (Trainable) score. Failing this test means the Pet is distracted by a shiny thing, makes an inconvenient ruckus, or otherwise messes up the player's plan. A Pet's attack normally causes 1SD damage.

COWBOYS

• Horse Tricks (MIND): Since every Cowboy comes with a horse, the Horse Tricks skill shows how well the Cowboy has his nag trained, similar to the Pirate's Pet skill above. This skill is usually invoked with a sharp whistle and a broad wave.
• Six-Guns (MOVE): The delicate art of shooting bad guys.
• Cowboy Whoop (MIND): This skill, which the Cowboy picked up from his dealings with the red Injun, gives a Cowboy the ability to really whoop it up! This kind of behavior can drive opponents plum loco, giving them a -2 penalty to attack the Cowboy on their next action. Weird emotionless critters like the Robot aren't affected by the Cowboy Whoop.
• Lasso (MOVE): Given a length of ordinary rope, the Cowboy can turn it into a fine entangling weapon. Once hit with a lasso, an opponent must make a BODY test versus the Cowboy's Lasso Skill Total or the rope's strength in Hits (whichever is less) to get free.
• Barroom Brawling (BODY): A Cowboy who can't hold his own in a good old-fashioned throw-down doesn't deserve to call himself a Cowboy.

Cowboys get two blazing six-guns with essentially unlimited ammo, a ten-gallon hat, a neckerchief, enough rope to make a 3-Range Lasso, and of course a faithful horse with a punchy name like Spark, Firebrand or Zephyr.

Cowboys also receive the Simpler Times flaw. Cowboys aren't naive by any means, but they come from an environment where men are real men and women are real women. If a Cowboy is confronted with something flagrantly outrageous to public decency (from a woman briefly flashing her boobs all the way up to, say, Frank N. Furter-esque behavior), he will automatically be abashed, flush bright red, avert his eyes and draw circles in the dirt with his big toe. Anything the Cowboy tries to do against the outrageous character receives a -2 penalty until the stimulus is removed.

A Cowboy's Horse has the following stats:

BODY 8 MOVE 4 MIND 2(Animal) LUCK 1 PD 12 SD 10

Like the Pirate's Pet above, Horses have 8 points to divvy into their special abilities Trainable (MIND), Stomp (MOVE, 2PD damage) and Fearless (MIND). UNlike the Pirate's Pet, a Cowboy can't take his Horse everywhere he goes.

OPTIONAL SKILLS

• Toughness (+1 PD and SD per level)
• Persuasion
• Fisticuffs (for Pirates)
• Flintlocks (for Pirates or Ninja)
• Charm (living humans only)
• Musical Instrument
• Bow and Arrow (for Ninja, though Pirates and Cowboys could make a case)
• Blowgun (as above)
• Rope Tricks (Pirates and Cowboys)
• Whip
• Club
• Infiltration
• Awareness
• Willpower
• Throwing
• Survival
• Smell Living Flesh (for Zombies)
• Detect Lifeforms (for Robots)
• Radio Communication (for Robots)
• Medicine

ENEMIES

Supernatural Investigator
BODY 2 MOVE 3 MIND 4 LUCK 3 PD 5 SD 7
Shotgun +2(5), Throwing +2(5), Occult +3(7)
Shotgun (3PD), Holy Water (3PD to undead), Dynamite (7PD Area), Holy Symbol

Samurai
BODY 4 MOVE 3 MIND 3 LUCK 2 PD 7 SD 7
Swordplay +3(6), Throwing +2(5), Running +3(6)
Katana (4PD), Short Sword (3PD), Laquered Wooden Armor (2)
Bound by Honor

Alien Invader
BODY 2 MOVE 3 MIND 5 LUCK 2 PD 5 SD 7
Gunplay +1(4), Pilot +3(8)
Laser Pistol (4PD), Environment Suit (2 armor, 2 Hits)
Dependent on Alien Atmosphere: If an Invader's spacesuit is broken (Called Shot at -2), it takes 1 PD per turn until it can get back in its natural environment

Alien Marauder
BODY 5 MOVE 5 MIND 1 LUCK 1 PD 10 SD 6
Claw +3(8), Acid Spit +2(7)
Claws(2PD), Acid Spit (3PD damage; if it breaches armor, continues to do damage at -1PD per turn)

Martial Arts Master
BODY 4 MOVE 5 MIND 3 LUCK 5 PD 9 SD 7
Flip Out +3(8), Hand-to-Hand Weaponry +2(7), Chi Attack +3(6)
No equipment, though most any piece of scenery will do
Chi Attack: 3PD damage, 3 Range
Bound by Philosophy: Do not attack first, do not pursue those who no longer endanger you or your responsibilities, regret any violence you do

Atomic Mutant
BODY 3 MOVE 2 MIND 2 LUCK 3 PD 4 SD 5
Grapple +3(6), Club +2(4)
Club (2PD)
Hideous: -1 to any Persuasion attempt

Musketeer
BODY 3 MOVE 3 MIND 3 LUCK 3 PD 6 SD 6
Swordplay +3(7), Musket +2(6), Swashbuckle +2(6)
Rapier (2PD), Musket (3PD), Heavy Cloth Armor (1)

Pterodactyl
BODY 4 MOVE 4 MIND 1 LUCK 2 PD 8 SD 5
Claw +2(6), Bite +2(6)
Claws (2PD), Teeth (3PD)
Flight: 70RpT

Salty Sea Dog
BODY 2 MOVE 4 MIND 2 LUCK 4 PD 6 SD 4
Seamanship +2(4), Climbing +2(6), Brawling +2(4)
Small Knife (2PD)

Red Injun
BODY 3 MOVE 4 MIND 3 LUCK 2 PD 7 SD 6
War Whoop +4(7), Horsemanship +2(6), Rifle +1(5), Tomahawk +2(6)
Horse, Rifle (4PD), Tomahawk (2PD), several scalps, etc.
Noble Savage: Must honor those who fight bravely and scalp those who don't

U.S. Cavalryman
BODY 4 MOVE 3 MIND 2 LUCK 3 PD 7 SD 6
Trumpet Charge +4(6), Horsemanship +3(6), Pistol +2(5), Saber +1(4)
Horse, Brace of Pistols (3PD each), Saber (2PD)

Nazi Trooper
BODY 3 MOVE 4 MIND 2 LUCK 3 PD 7 SD 5
Rifle +2(6), Pistol +2(6), Throwing +1(5)
Rifle (4PD), Pistol (3PD), Potato-Masher Grenades (7PD Area), Iron Helmet (1 armor)

Orc
BODY 4 MOVE 3 MIND 1 LUCK 3 PD 5 SD 4
Sword +1(4), Punch +1(5)
Rusty Scimitar (2PD)

Dero
BODY 3 MOVE 4 MIND 2 LUCK 1 PD 7 SD 5
Claw +3(6), Bite +2(5), Perform Unspeakable Acts +5(7)
Claws (2PD), Teeth (1PD)
Maddened by Perversion: Can never do a good act. Ever. If tricked into one, takes 1 SD

Dragon
BODY 25 MOVE 5 MIND 6 LUCK 8 PD 30 SD 31
Claw +1(6), Bite +3(8), Breathe Fire +3(8), Awareness +3(9)
Claws (3PD), Teeth (4PD), Fire Breath (12PD Area), Scales (4 armor)
Curious: -2 to resist an obvious ruse, Vain: -2 to resist flattering Persuasion, Flight: 80RpT, Hole in Armor: Called Shot at -7 does +20 PD with no armor protection

Voudoun Houngan
BODY 3 MOVE 2 MIND 5 LUCK 2 PD 5 SD 8
Club +2(4), Ritual Magic +3(8), Folklore +2(7)
Walking Stick (2SD), Bag of Charms (3 instant-use spells, each with a single special effect of 8-point power)

Giant Genetically Altered Mutant Shellfish
BODY 8 MOVE 2 MIND 1 LUCK 3 PD 10 SD 9
Shell Clamp +3(11)
Razor Shell (PD3, 3 armor)

Mummy
BODY 5 MOVE 1 MIND 2 LUCK 4 PD 12 SD 12
Grapple +3(8), Cast Eldritch Spell +3(5)
Mummy Wrappings (1 armor, causes 6PD per turn to the Mummy when set aflame)

Mexican Wrestler
BODY 5 MOVE 3 MIND 3 LUCK 1 PD 8 SD 6/10
Grapple +3(8), Body Throw +2(7) (equiv. to Robot's Push/Shove)
Mask: gives the wrestler +4 SD

Mech Suit
BODY +5, MOVE -1 to wearer
Machine Guns (5PD), Rocket Launchers (7PD Area), Steel Plate (armor 4)
AI: Essentially a "co-pilot" with a Skill Total of 4 with every weapon in the suit. Will NOT tolerate Robots trying to use the Suit.
Achilles Heel: On a -5 called shot, an attacker can hit some exposed wiring and cause 3SD damage to the suit's wearer

Zombie Dog
BODY 3 MOVE 4 MIND 1 LUCK 1 PD 7 SD 5
Zombie Growl +4(5), Bite Attack +3(6)
Teeth (2PD)

Chinese Railway Worker
BODY 3 MOVE 5 MIND 3 LUCK 1 PD 8 SD 6
Flip Out +1(6), Hand Weapons +1(6), Swing Queue +1(6)
Sledgehammer or Pick (3PD), Queue (1SD), Triangular Straw Hat

Camel Spider
BODY 1 MOVE 3 MIND 0 LUCK 1 PD 1 SD 0
Scary Hiss +4(4), Run +7(10), Eat Face +4(5)
Fangs (1PD)

Sleen
BODY 3 MOVE 4 MIND 2 LUCK 1 PD 7 SD 5
Surprise +2(6), Fang Attack +1(4), Freeze with Hypnotic Voice ("Sssssssleeeen") +3(5)
Fangs (1PD + 3PD poison)
Hover: up to 30 feet off the ground

Gorilla
BODY 7 MOVE 4 MIND 2 LUCK 2 PD 11 SD 9
Come Out of Fucking Nowhere +3(7), Pound Attack +1(8)
Fists (1PD)

ITEMS

Poop Socks
These magical items are often enchanted to look like normal footwear, and can even be commanded to look just like another pair (requires a MIND (Awareness) test versus difficulty 5 to spot on casual inspection). Once they're put on, though, they suddenly transform into a mottled dirty pair of white cotton gym socks, and cannot be removed except by magic. The wearer experiences sudden stomach cramps (-1 to all actions), and begins to pit his BODY (Endurance) against a rising difficulty number which increases by 1 every 10 minutes. As soon as he misses a test against this number, he immediately, loudly, and quite forcefully evacuates his bowels. If the wearer, to put it gently, craps his pants, anyone who is aware of the situation will instantly be disgusted with the character; all Charm or Persuasion effects will vanish and those skills will be ineffective for at least a day afterward. After this event, the cumulative difficulty returns to 0 and begins climbing upward again.

There's no biological limit to how much the victim may crap himself; his bowels are forever full. Once the poop socks are removed, the character returns to normal function AND is the new master of the poop socks, which allows him to command them to change shape at his whim. If he re-dons the footwear, however, the poop-sock effect will strike him as before and he'll need to use magic to remove them again.

Poop socks have no effect on Zombies. Robots ARE effected, however (spraying chunky lube from an anterior port).

Anti-Prismatic Sphere
This is a small smooth sphere colored a flat gray. Anyone who touches it and says "The light is gray" aloud will feel its effects: All of the character's desires and emotions are wiped away; a calming effect will descend on the character; and the character's hair instantly falls out. The Anti-Prismatic Sphere does not prevent further hair growth or stop the character from feeling emotions or desires after its application, but all desires beforehand no longer hold sway. The APS can be used up to three times a day.

Anti-Prismatic Spray
This is a never-ending can of non-toxic gray spray paint.

SoJ
This small purple-stoned ring (pronounced "sozh" or "sawdge") was once a powerful magical item. Unfortunately, time has taken its toll; the SoJ has been handled, traded, and used by so many people that any magic it once had is long gone. The stone is dull and chipped, and many small dings and dents mar the ring itself. It is still highly prized by Asians, mostly Koreans, who believe if the SoJ is worn by the proper Korean national and a magic incantation is spoken ("kekekekeke") its ancient magic will once again come to life.

Legend reports that the SoJ's original power was to open a rift in space-time through which dozens of Alien Marauders would burst, overrun an enemy's defenses, and vanish afterward.

The Dread Banhammer
This is a unique item of great and legendary power. It appears as a large iron warhammer, finely engraved, with small harmless sparks of blue electricity playing constantly over its head. Oddly for such a large weapon, it can only be wielded by characters with MIND 4 or higher.

Anyone struck by the Dread Banhammer, if they take any amount of damage, must immediately pit their MIND (Willpower) against a difficulty of 9. If this check fails, a loud clap of thunder peals, and the target will instantly fly completely out of whatever structure or area he is in. For instance, if he's inside a house, he will fly out onto the lawn; if inside a cave, he'll fly out the mouth or any nearest exit; if he's on an ice plain, he'll fly until he hits a different terrain, like a mountain or the ocean; etc. The character must make a MOVE (Acrobatics or similar) test against difficulty 5 to land safely; if he fails, he takes an additional 4PD damage which armor will not protect against.

Bag of Hell
This mystical artifact appears to be a small, crumpled brown paper bag with grease stains on the bottom. There's something heavy and difficult to identify inside, and the whole thing weighs about a pound.

Closed, the bag seems perfectly ordinary. When opened, though, a sudden gout of flame (no damage, it's just for effect), a sulfurous stench, and the distant etherial cries of the damned alert the user of its true nature. The opener must instantly pit MIND (Willpower) against a difficulty of 6 or be compelled to reach inside, pull out a handful of smoking charred brimstone, and attempt to swallow it whole. Only quick thinking on the part of somebody standing nearby can prevent this. Merely grabbing the brimstone causes 2PD damage, which armor protects from, but swallowing it causes 8PD damage with no armor protection, plus an additional 1PD damage per turn until it can be expelled somehow. The swallower will NOT automatically vomit; it must be induced. (This requires a test of the inducer's MIND (Medicine) skill versus the swallower's BODY. Zombies can apply their Stench of Death to this purpose as well.)

After the initial impetus to eat the Bag of Hell, the bag may be closed normally, or used as a very small portal to the Netherworld. Every time the bag is reopened, the opener must make the test noted above. Despite their seeming fragility, Bags of Hell are indestructible. Dragons are great fans of Bags of Hell, as they consider its brimstone a delicacy.

Fancy Hat of Pimpitude (thanks LunixArchduke)
This item is a rather garish magical hat that can't be removed once donned except by magic.

- It can only be worn by male characters and robots; it has no charm effect on male characters or the emotionless.
- Females of MIND 2 or below are charmed by the hat (luck/rollover points can be used at half effect) and become the character's bitch; bitches can be controlled by the pimp at will. Every turn, a bitch must test her MIND against the sum of the pimp's BODY and 1/1000 of the number of crowns he has (rounding down); both can spend LUCK and Rollover points normally. If she wins, she is no longer the pimp's bitch, and is immune to charming in the future.
- The fancy hat provides the character with one crown per turn per bitch for ho services, plus one crown unconditionally.
- When first worn, garish jewelry (bling-bling) appears all over the character's body, and can only be removed if the character is not wearing the fancy hat. This bling-bling prevents the character from wearing heavy armor, and if the character is wearing medium armor, the bling-bling is unusable for weapon purposes. Bling-bling can't be sold to anyone with a MIND above 2.
- A character can flash the bling-bling, causing a bright flash of light, and serving as a 1 Stun Damage weapon. The bling-bling also provides a 1 Stun Damage bonus in hand-to-hand combat.
- Characters wearing the fancy hat can pose as a non-automatic action, which has a chance of making all enemy characters burst out laughing and lose 2 on all attacks against anything for that turn. Each affected character must test their MIND against the sum of the pimp's Charm skill and his MOVE. If the character wearing the Fancy Hat is a robot, increase this difficulty by 2. The difficulty gets reduced by 1 every time it's done in a day, and if the difficulty ever reaches 0, it becomes a horrible cliche and never works again. Posing also serves as a distraction attempt against any characters in line of sight using Concentration.
- Characters wearing the Fancy Hat are -1 to all MOVE skills (pimp strut).
- If two characters wearing the Fancy Hat meet, they are immediately engaged in a pimp battle. Any bitches that belong to the loser and survive are immediately transferred to the winner.

Large, Rather Phallic Enchanted Greatsword (thanks Zigfield)
The very skilled yet critically underendowed wizard Grim'nei''hei'lol' commissioned the creation of this sword to compensate for his physical shortcomings. The enchantments on the LRPEG grant the user a superficial bonus of +2 in BODY and MOVE. The LRPEG deals 5PD and has an enchantment that grants it an unlimited amount of hits. The LRPEG is unique, and cannot be wielded by female characters or male characters with BODY 3 or greater.

Goggles (thanks Zigfield)
Do nothing. No stat or skill bonuses, but upon shattering (1/2 hits) they blind the wearer for six rounds (-4 to all actions).

Showerhead of Smiting (thanks Contrabassoon)
This enchanted showerhead attacks as a baseball bat or light mace (2PD damage), but does double damage against any female target.

Cockring of Doom
Forged aeons ago in the mystical fires of the Volcano, this magic item, properly worn, confers almost-total invisibility on the wearer (a constant -5 penalty to target the character in combat, plus the Ninja Be Unseen skill at 9, usable by any male character). As an interesting party trick, if the ring is heated in an ordinary fire, strange fiery runes appear along the inner and outer surfaces. Nobody alive today knows the language, but it sure looks cool.

There is a downside, though: only the wearer becomes invisible, and not his clothing or possessions ... including the Ring itself. So anyone who does notice the wearer will see what appears to be a golden ring floating about 2 1/2 feet above the ground, which can be targeted at -5 in combat. Striking the Cockring will transfer 5 Stun damage to the wearer, for obvious reasons.

Even worse, Nine Riders, along with the previous owner, a Mr. Gol, will hunt down and follow the character to steal back the Cockring. And believe me, you don't want anyone biting off the appendage THIS ring is attached to ...

Semi-Automatic Turban
This attractive headwear contains a hidden secret: when the jeweled brooch at the front is pressed, a turret equipped with a submachine gun (3PD damage) pops up and sprays the local area wildly. Everyone within 2 Ranges except the wearer must pit MOVE (Dodge or similar skill) against a difficulty of 4 or take the base damage above. There's enough ammo in the Turban for three uses.

Chip (thanks Zigfield)
This enchanted piece of fried potato is most commonly used as a throwing weapon, regardless of its more apparent functions. If a Chip strikes its target, the target must make a MIND save at DL5 or be thrown into a berserker rage. Once enraged, the target is incapable of coherent speech and most immediately attack the largest target available. No spells may be cast while enraged. The rage lasts four rounds. Deals 1SD damage, has a range of 1, and hits 1/2. Can also be eaten with no effect, and is quite tasty.

Soul Gems (thanks LunixArchduke)
Soul gems channel the essence of various historical figures. Each gem is a tiny oval less than an inch in diameter, has 3 Hits no matter how fragile it may appear, and must be worn on the forehead (-7 to target in combat) to confer its bonus to the user. There may be more than one Soul Gem of each type.

Soul Gem: Lowtax
What could plausibly be called the be-all and end-all of the soul gems, the Lowtax Soul Gem, forged of the same mighty iron as the Dread Banhammer, confers upon its bearer the following:

• -1 BODY. Seriously, Rich, eat something.
• +4 on all weapon tests with the Dread Banhammer.
• A lack of crowns consequent to running a humor site on the Internet: all ho income from the Fancy Hat of Pimpitude are cancelled, sans the 1 crown/turn flat rate; purchases cost 120% of normal, and sales produce 80% of normal income.
• All kills with the Dread Banhammer result in 10 crowns of income.
• Immunity to Banhammering.

Soul Gem: Integral
The complement to the Lowtax Soul Gem, the Integral Soul Gem is forged of an opalescent diamond-like material, with the Greek letter omega etched into a face.

• +3 on all Banhammer tests.
• If attacked by a person holding the Lowtax Soul Gem, the holder can choose to put that person into the doghouse, giving them -2 on all attacks until they give the holder of an Integral Soul Gem 100 crowns or an equivalent amount of merchandise. The holder of the Integral Soul Gem gets -1 on all attacks, loses their immunity to Banhammering, and loses the -3 modifier to charm attempts.
• -3 on all attempted charmings; three years spending time on an Internet forum with thousands of lonely guys has done that to the spirit of Integral.
• Immunity to Banhammering.

Soul Gem: Fiwer
Need I say more?

• Bearer gets an automatic action: moaning, in a loud voice, "LONELY", over and over again. Test MIND against enemy MIND; -1 to attacks from all enemies this turn if successful. Action can only be performed if the bearer is not within line of sight of a friendly female character. This action cuts the bearer's ability to use Concentration in half, and prevents him from casting spells.
• -1 modifier against all attacks from banhammers.
• -2 to resisting charm.

Soul Gem: Tasty Armageddon

• Once per gem, the bearer can feign suicide in order to gain an item or skill/attribute bonus; the bearer can take no actions in the time between the turns immediately preceding and immediately following this action. This item or bonus will be granted for a period of time from one day to a week depending on its value, and then disappear.
• "F**k off, Tasty!": if the first ability has not been used yet, the bearer gets -2 to all uses of Persuasion and Charm.
• Bouncy Avatar: whenever a person bearing the Tasty Armageddon Soul Gem attacks, all targets must test their MIND against the bearer's LUCK. If the bearer is successful, the target is hypnotized, and gets -2 to defend against the attack, plus -1 on all attacks this turn.

Freudian Amulet (thanks Zigfield)
This magical, unique amulet is blessed with the spiritual presence of one Dr. Sigmund Freud. Dr. Freud's presence supposedly amplifies subconscious motivations, converting them into tangible effects. It has varying ramifications, dependant on the gender of the wearer. Male users are granted a nearly irrepressible desire to bone eldery females (resisted by MIND/Willpower) that begins at DL1 and increases by one every hour. If actual copulation with an eldery female is accomplished (eldery is defined as "at least twice the age of character" or "current age of character + 1/4 lifespan of race"), the constant pressure for older women is reduced back to DL1. This newly found sex drive has its silver lining, as all BODY and MOVE based skills are given a +1 bonus.

Female characters, after donning the Freudian Amulet, undergo a painful process in which their clitoris is transformed into a penis. If the character somehow does not have a clitoris, her nipples become penises instead. This process deals 1PD damage and 3SD damage. After acquiring a cock, females will find they are better at everything, giving +1 to all actions.

The Freudian Amulet has no effect on Robots or Zombies, unless they are SEX ROBOTS or SEX ZOMBIES, respectively.

Jung Hat (cursed) (thanks Zigfield)
Most of the legacy of the Jung Hat has been forgotten, as most of the scholars taken to studying it have attempted to wear it themselves. The Jung Hat is thought to originate from a powerful necromancer who crafted such items in the hopes of fashioning a metatheory to explain the workings of the universe. Donning the Jung Hat, however, results in the immediate synchonization of the wearer's body with the rest of the universe, resulting in massive brain hemorrhaging as the wearer's eyeballs are directly connected with some really, really, awful live furry porn. The character is instantly killed, unless a MIND save is made at DL10. If such a save is accomplished, the hat may be safely removed, with these new insights on life giving the character an additional +1 to all MIND tests.

Powerup of St Roris (thanks Zigfield)
Donning this shining robe enables the character to immediately win the game, regardless of any victory objectives.

Fursuits of Winger (cursed) (thanks Contrabassoon)
These malevolent garments have caused the downfall of more than one unwary adventurer. They resemble the flaccid skins of anthropomorphic animals, complete with outlandishly-sized heads, and mysteriously resize to fit any humanoid wearer. They may not be worn by Robots.

There are at least three fursuits in existence; each one confers stat bonuses upon its wearer as follows:
White Rabbit: a bonus of +2 MOVE and +1 MIND, as rabbits are quick-thinking and quick-moving creatures, adaptable to a variety of situations.
Brown Bear: +2 BODY, +1 MOVE. Bears are known for their deadliness in a fight and will follow their enemies into the trees.
Tiger: +1 BODY, +2 MOVE. Tigers are swift and powerful hunters.
The entire fursuit, including head, must be worn for the stat bonuses to take effect. However, any fursuited character suffers from the following penalties, which cannot be discovered until after the fursuit is donned:

• Maximum of 2 SD points (you become a whiny bitch with no pain tolerance)
• -2 to Willpower tests
• Persuasion skill drops to 0 and any Persuasion effects end (no one's going to take you seriously, you're in a fucking fursuit)
• Charm skill drops to 0 and any Charm effects end (you have no social skills anymore)

Furthermore, a character must make a MIND (Willpower) check every hour or be overcome with the urge to rape the nearest animal (including Cowboys' horses and Pirates' pets.) The MIND bonus from the White Rabbit suit does NOT apply to this check. The difficulty begins at 3, and rises by 1 every hour the suit is worn. Removing the suit stops the necessity to check, but does not reset the difficulty; it continues to rise from the same number when the suit is next donned. Once a check is failed, a character no longer needs to make checks, but will automatically be overcome once every hour. Once this occurs, the character will never willingly remove the suit; he must be subdued and the suit forcibly removed. Upon recovering consciousness, the affected character will be angry and sullen when dealing with any humans for the next week.