God has promised to answer my knock, to let myself find what I need when I seek.

A HORRIBLE MOTHER?

We all have times when we question our vocation

     I am a horrible mother.
     I constantly say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and - in spite of my heartfelt desire to foster love, peace and honest understanding in our family - I very often fail.
     There. It does feel better to make a confession.
     When the children were babies and toddlers, I remember moments when I honestly felt like I had reached my physical limits. I was eternally tired. And I could feel accomplished and satisfied if the baby was fed and reasonably clean that day.
     But as my toddlers grew, life seemed to get more complicated. Although my son and daughters don't always require as much from me physically, there are days and weeks when mothering depletes me emotionally and spiritually.
     And there are days and weeks and periods in my life as a mother when, on top of the emotional and spiritual exhaustion, I also feel like a horrible mother.
     I am writing on one of those days.
     I wish that I could offer a formula or some kind of brilliant insight, or even the title of a guidebook that will cure the horrible mother syndrome.
     I know of no simple solutions.
     I have read - and continue to read - a lot of parenting books. I have attended classes, watched films and talked to experts, all of whom offer very helpful ideas, techniques and perspectives on parenting. Nothing can fix that feeling that no matter what I do with my son, I get it wrong. Nothing can wipe that nauseous sense that follows the awareness that I don't know how to communicate with my daughter. Sometimes, I simply don't know what the answer IS.
     Bur I can tell you what I do on days like today.
     First of all, I tell a friend. I find that it helps me immensely when I admit that I'm a horrible mother to someone who is walking or has walked through the same path. This fellow mother reminds me that I simply can't be quite as horrible as I feel- and that I am not alone in this journey of discovery.
     I also step back from the situation at hand and go on a walk, or go fix something that I've been meaning to work on, or go play with my dog - anything that makes me stop listening to the voices inside and outside of myself that are calling me a horrible mother. When I step away from the erupting volcano, it helps me gain a new perspective on life, love and other mysteries.
     And I turn to my spouse and his fresh perspective. In God's eternal wisdom, when I am in a rut, Michael is not. And vice versa. I can't remember a time when we were both at the bottom of the pit at the same time. When I am a horrible mother, Michael can take over and comfort the child scarred for life by Mom's horrible parenting. I call it the good cop/bad cop syndrome.

    Finally, and actually this is where I start, I get on my knees and honestly tell God how I feel: This is who I am. This is what I hope for myself, for my children, for my family.
     And I honestly and bluntly ask God for more grace. God has promised to answer my knock, to let myself find what I need when I seek. I take God at His word. It is on my knees that I can let go of any illusions of control or any delusions of simple answers.
     When I acknowledge my vulnerability and let God know that I need more grace for this tiring and most rewarding ministry called parenting, I bring God into my real life. Isn't that the most important answer of all?