Spence's Music Jokes

Music Glossary

Courtesy Various Contributors

# A B C D E F G H I J L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

#

6-9 chord Chord in which the root of the bass is in the mouth of the soprano.
12-tone scale The thing the State Police weighs your tractor trailer truck with.

A

A440 The highway that runs around Nashville.
A Capella
  1. Out of tune.
  2. The band won't play this horrible song.
accidentals Wrong notes.
aeolian mode How you like to eat cherry pie.
agitato State of mind when your valve sticks.
agnus dei A famous female church composer.
allegro leg fertilizer.
arpeggio "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
audition The act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
augmented fifth 36 oz. bottle.

B

B flat A squashed insect.
B double flat An insect which was squashed twice.
Bach chorale The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
bar line A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
bass The thing you run around in softball.
bass clef Where wind you up if you fall off. (see clef.)
beat What music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
basson
  1. Farting bedpost.
  2. Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.
big band When the bar pays enough to bring in two banjo players.
bossa nova The car your foreman drives.
breve A sustained note when you run out of bow.
broken consort When someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom.

C

cadence When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
cadenza That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
cantus firmus Part you get when you only know 4 notes.
cello The proper way to answer the phone.
chansons de geste dirty songs.
chromatic scale An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
church
  1. That institution largely responsible for the existance of choirs, choirmasters, organs, and organists. It is also to blame for sermons, offertories, and other forms of punishment.
  2. The large damp, draft edifice that houses any or all of the above.
clarinet Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
clausula Mrs. Santa Claus.
clef Something to jump from before the viola solo.
coloratura soprano A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
conductor
  1. A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
  2. The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.
countersubject Conversation at the bar.
countertenor Singing waiter.
crescendo A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
cut time
  1. Parole.
  2. When everyone is playing twice as fast as you are.

D

da Capo al Fine I like your hat.
detache An indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.
diatonic Low-calorie Schweppes.
dischord Not to be confused with "datchord".
diminished fifth An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
ducita a lot of mallards.

E


embouchure The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.

F

first inversion Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
French horn Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

G

glissando What the strings use for difficult runs.

H

half step The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.

I

interval How long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
  1. Major interval A long time.
  2. Minor interval A few bars.
  3. Inverted interval When you have to go back a bar and try again.
isorhythmic motet When half of the ensemble got a different edition from the other half.

L

lamentoso With handkerchiefs.
lasso The 6th and 5th steps of a scale.

M

major scale A run up a mountain.
metronome A city-dwelling dwarf.
Middle C The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.
minimalism When the composer ran out of ideas and just kept repeating the same thing.
minnesinger A boy soprano.
minor third your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.
melodic minor Loretta Lynn's singing dad. music A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
musica ficta When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
music lesson A form of cruel and unusual punishment inflicted upon young children by their parents, and upon teachers by their shrinking bank balances. In such cases, it is a debatable point which is more unbalanced - the bank account or the music teacher.

oboe An ill wind that nobody blows well.
order of sharps What a wimp gets at the bar.

P

passing tone Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
perfect fifth A full bottle of Jack Daniels.
perfect pitch
  1. When you lob an oboe into the toilet without hitting the rim.
  2. The smooth coating on a freshly paved road.

pianissimo "Refill this beer bottle."
piano A cumbersome piece of furniture found in many homes, where playing it ensure the early departure of unwanted guests.
piano tuner A person employed to come into the home, rearrange the furniture, and annoy the cat. The tuner's chief purpose is to ascertain the breaking point of the piano's strings.
preparatory beat Threat made to singers. ("Sing, or else....")
portamento Someplace overseas that you've always wanted to see.

Q

Quarter tone What most standard pickups can haul.
Quaver Beginning viol class.

R

repeat What you do until they just expel you.
ritard There's one in every family.
ritornello A Verdi opera.
relative major An uncle in the Marine Corps.
relative minor A girlfriend.
risoluto Indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
rota An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.

S

sancta Clausula's husband.
senza sordino A term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.
sonata What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
staccato How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
stops Something Bach didn't have on his organ.
string quartet A good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.
subject What we're talking about.
subito piano Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
supertonic Gin and Schwepps.

T

tempo Good choice for a used car.
tenor Two hours before a nooner.
Time signature What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.
tonic Schwepps.
transposition The act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.
treble Women ain't nothin' but.
trill Musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.
trotto An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.
tuba A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"

V

vibrato Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

W

whole note What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.