Music Jokes
Page One
How many Musician jokes are there?
Just one -- all the rest are true!! - Barth
hits since 2/21/99
FastCounter by LinkExchange
How many Musician jokes are there?
Just one -- all the rest are true!! - Barth
hits since 2/21/99
FastCounter by LinkExchange
The "Lightbulb" joke is indeed ubiquitous, so it is not surprising that there is at least one for every musical category. For fans of this specific brand of humor I have "chained together" all of the lightbulb jokes on this page. Just click on the bulb here to go to the first joke in the chain, the bulb there to go to the next, and so on. NOTE: You must have JavaScript enabled on your browser for this to work.
Music and Musicians in General
Two men were at a bar and one said, " Hey, I had my IQ checked and it
was 175, The other responded " That's a coincidence so is mine, what do
you do for a living?" " I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came
"that's a coincidence so am I." This was overheard at a nearby table and
these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both
brain surgeons. At another nearby table one man despondently said to the
other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The
other said, rather enthusiastically, "That's a coincidence. So is mine.
What instrument do you play????"
Courtesy C.A.P.
Two guys are standing on the side of the road. One's a musician
and the other one doesn't have any money either.
Courtesy J.H.
What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?
The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.
Courtesy B.P. of PM Productions
"Hey, buddy. How late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."
Courtesy Barth
What do you call a person who hangs around with musicians?
Deaf.
This little boy was complaining to his friend, "My mom won't let me watch public television anymore!"
"Why not?" his friend asked incredulously.
"Because it has too much sax and violins!!"
Courtesy
Emily Sheets
Q: Imagine a singer, a piano player, a bass player and a
drummer sitting around a table. Now if you drop a hundred-dollar bill
right in the middle and tell them they're free to take it, who's getting
it?
A: The piano player. Why? Well, the bass player is too slow,
for the singer it's too little money and the drummer didn't get the
assignment.
Courtesy H.W.
What instrument is usually the most out of tune: violin, viola, French horn, timpani, or saxophone?
How can I answer that? I can't even think with this earache you just gave me!
Courtesy A.M.
June the harpist and Sam the trombonist went out to a discotheque.
Sam's car wouldn't lock but Sam knew the owner so they locked their
instruments in his office. Having too much to drink, they went back to
rehearsal without their instruments. June told the conductor,
"I left my harp in Sam's friend's disco."
Courtesy Barth
Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
Because most shops close by six-thirty.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?
The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
What do you call a boy who plays every instrument?
Eric (EAR-ACHE).
Courtesy maya
What do you call a squashed insect?
A B flat.
Courtesy T.H.
Why didn't the music students get to learn music in 1999?
Because 1998 the music.
Courtesy T.H.
So anyway, there's this jazz trumpet player who's never made the money he wanted,
but hey, that's jazz. He gets run over by a bus and due to his unruly life, goes
down to Hell. He's stood at the rusted iron gates when a bellowing voice calls out,
"Jazz musician are we?..............corridor C, door 14!". So on the he treks,
trumpet firmly in hand. As he walks down the corridor he's struck dumb by this
absolutely amazing jazz jam going on. He follows the sound, picking up speed
until he finally comes to the source of the "Heavenly" sound..........door 14.
He can't believe his luck when he opens the door, Dizzy Gillespie, Miles Davis, Buddy
Rich..........all the greats were here. Dizzy looks over at him and says,
"Pull up a pew son and let the jazz free". He starts playing, still dumb-founded
with his luck. If this was Hell, then he'd happy spending eternity here. Just
then the door opens and in walks the devil: "'Right boys and girls!!, break time
over!......a-one-two-three-four, 'Left a good job in the city.....'".
Courtesy
Heady
Two guys are standing on the curb when a taxi pulls up. One is holding a pair of drumsticks, and the other is carrying a guitar. Who is the professional musician?
The taxi driver.
Courtesy
Megan
There are three kinds musicians;
Ones who can count, and ones who can't count.
Courtesy a violinist
Two musicians were convicted of some treasonable offense and sentenced to death. According to the usual custom they were each offered one last wish. The first man, who was a country and western artist, said the he would like just one more time to hear Achy-Breaky Heart. The second man, who was a jazz musician, when asked for his last request simply asked that he be put to death before they granted the first man's request.
Why is walking down the street like music?
Because if you don't C# you'll Bb.
Courtesy Grainne
Misery is...
...knowing that your hard drive has more gigs than you do.
Courtesy P.T.
How do you keep a really bad musician in suspense?.......
Courtesy Invertigo2
What would Jerry Garcia be doing, if he were alive today?
Clawing at the lid of his coffin.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
What takes up the most space on a sheet of rock music?
All the fs for
fortissimo-issimo...-issimos.
Courtesy Spectral Shift
What do Sting and a restraining order have in common?
They're both worthless without the Police to back them up.
Courtesy Eric Mitchell
What's blond, has six legs and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night?
Hanson.
Courtesy Eric Mitchell
How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) Two. One to change it and the other to eat the old one.
2) Two. One to change it and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it, and another to talk about how it was a revolution.
Courtesy angel's_slave_meve
Country Music is an oxymoron.
Courtesy Right Coast Mike
What happens when you play a country record backwards?
A newly graduated doctor gets a job at the morgue. When he is going through the bodies he
discovers a body with a cork in the crack of its butt. After much debate, he decides to take
out the cork. When he pulls it out suddenly he hears country music. When he puts it back in,
it stops. Puzzled, he goes to his advisor and tells him what happened. The advisor says,
"You think that's strange??" "Yes! Don't you?!" replies the young doctor. "Well," said the
advisor," any asshole can play country music."
Courtesy VlaPlayer
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"Well... I didn't wake up this mornin'..."
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Lady walks up to the bandstand and asks, "Hey do you guys play anything slow"?
The band leader thinks for a second... "Yeah", he replies, "January and February."
Courtesy Andrew Canning
What has 100 legs and four teeth?
The front row at a Mississippi Bluegrass festival.
Courtesy frannie mae
How do you tell you are at a Bluegrass show?
If there are more people on the stage than in the audience.
Courtesy frannie mae
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five -- one to change it and the other four to complain that it's electric.
Courtesy J.J.
What does New Age music sound like when played backwards?
New Age music.
Courtesy Barth
Five things to do with a bad reed:
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboes playing in unison.
Courtesy J.R.
What's the definition of a chord?
Three oboes playing in unison.
Courtesy Mandi
What do you call an oboist who is deaf?
Principal.
Courtesy Barth
How many oboists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't
need it.
Courtesy Barth
What's the difference between a bad oboist and a SCUD missile?
The bad oboist can actually kill you.
Courtesy
Emily Sheets
How many oboists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but he'll have to make the lightbulb himself.
Courtesy B.VH
What's the difference between an oboist and a psychiatric ward patient?
The oboist just hasn't been caught yet.
Courtesy Kadith
Did you hear about the successful hunter's secret to attracting
so many ducks?
He paid an oboe player to go along with him and play.
Courtesy M.R.
How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
A conductor calls the doctor to find out what to do after the
oboist swallows her reed. The doctor replies, "Have you tried muted
trumpet?"
Courtesy Barth
What's the difference between an oboe playing in tune and Star Trek?
Star Trek could actually happen one day.
Courtesy
Emily Sheets
Top Ten Reasons To Play The Oboe
10. People pay attention long enough to figure out what the heck that thing is you're playing.
9. Learning to transpose music as you play (from reading flute parts).
8. The case is a good weapon is emergencies; bigger than a flute case, can act as a shield and yet is portable!
7. If you lose your music, the bells always have the same part.
6. If you lose you music, the flutes always have the same part.
5. If you lose your music, somebody at some point in the piece has the same part!!
4. You can always hide in the clarinet section.
3. No one cares if you're not heard.
2. You always get your own stand.
1. No Competition!! (At least, not in the same band.)
Courtesy B Natural
Five Reasons Not To Play the Oboe
5. Oboe reeds are more expensive than clarinet and sax reeds
4. Having to learn to transpose music as you play (because there's not an oboe part in at least half the pieces the band will perform!!)
3. Having to explain that it's an oboe not a clarinet every single day. (It will also be
incumbent upon you to explain what the water is for. Only every other day but it takes longer to
explain why you have to soak your reed in water instead of using spit, especially for regular
reed instrument players.)
2. Flutes hitting you in the shoulder.
1. Cutting your tounge on the reed.
Courtesy B Natural
A percussionist walked into orchestra rehearsal one night carrying a big bottle of vodka.
After sitting down and taking a few swigs, he put one of his drumsticks into the bottle and
left it in the back. One of the trombone players saw it and decided to sneak a drink.
The percussionist caught him and was ready to start swinging when the conductor broke it up.
"You can't bring alcohol in here! And why did you put your stick in the bottle, anyway?",
he asked. The drummer replied, "Well, the bassoon player brings her shot glass every week!
I figured she put her reed in it so no one would drink it!"
Courtesy Eric Mitchell
How many English horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
They can't -- they gyrate too much and fall off the ladder.
Why is playing an English horn solo like wetting your pants?
Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares.
Courtesy JENNI
What do you call an English Horn Teacher?
A Tudor Tooter Tutor!
Courtesy carrie_violinist
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
1. Bassoons are more fun to jump on.
Courtesy EJ66
2. You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline!
Courtesy G.T.
What's the best use for an oboe?
Using it to light a bassoon on fire.
What's another name for a bassoon?
A farting bedpost.
Courtesy A.H.
Why don't bassoonists ever catch AIDS?
Even viruses have pride.
Courtesy Barth
How many bassonists does it take to eat a possum?
Two. One to eat, one to watch for traffic.
Courtesy Barth
Two bassoonists walk past a bar.
Courtesy
Robbie Battam
What is better, a bassoon or an oboe?
A basson -- it makes more tooth picks.
Courtesy George
How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes they can't be
pushed in.
Courtesy G.S.
How many flutists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend $5,000 on a Sterling silver bulb.
Courtesy Barth
How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None -- they will get their boyfriend to do it.
Courtesy Robert Sepanik
How many flutists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but he'll spend 10 minutes twisting it back and forth until it's just right.
Courtesy
Zac Martin
How do you put a sparkle in a flutist's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
How do you know if a flutist is at your door?
The doorbell is out of tune.
Courtesy Vlad
How can you tell if a 747 loaded with flute players has just landed?
The jet engines stop, but the whining continues!
Courtesy J.R.
How many flutists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb, one to pull the chair out from under her, and two to argue about how much better they would have done it.
Courtesy C.O.
You hardly ever see a flutest take a breath because they have a vast supply of air in their heads.
Courtesy Clarissa Mata
How can you tell when a flute player is having a bad day?
She can't find her cleaning rag, and there's a tampon stuck in her flute.
Courtesy Eric Mitchell
Why don't most wind symphony pieces have tempo changes in them?
There's already plenty of ritards in the flutes.
Courtesy Eric Mitchell
Why do flute players eat so much cheese?
They have to have something with all their whine.
What is the difference between the 1st chair flute and the last?
Their looks.
What is the differance between a pencil and a flute?
A pencil can erase it's mistakes.
On the other hand...
Why are there so few flute jokes?
None of the other instrumentalists are smart enough to think of any.
Courtesy E.V.
How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
Shoot one.
What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.
Courtesy S.W.
What's the difference between a piccolo and a dog whistle?
Two guys are out driving through a neighborhood. The guy driving notices that the
neighborhood dogs started barking their heads off. "Hey, why are all the dogs barking
together?" he asked his friend. His friend leaned back in his seat and answered,
"Oh, the flutes are tuning at the high school across the street." They drive on to
another neighborhood, about 10 miles from the other high school. There, the dogs are
running around maniacally and whining like crazy. The guy that's driving asks, "What's
going on with the dogs in THIS neighborhood?" His friend answered, "Didn't you know?
The high school back there has 4 piccolos."
Courtesy Sang-Hui Kim
A man in the advanced stages of venereal disease visits the doctor.
After inspecting the infected member which has several chronic sores and perforations, the doctor says
"I'd like you to see my brother. Here's the address of his rooms"
"Is he a doctor too?" asks the man hoping for a cure.
"No, he's a piccolo player but he can show you how to hold it."
Courtesy Steve
Alto Flute
What key is the alto flute pitched in?
G -- I really don't care, either!!
Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that
of a cat in heat?
Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.
Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.
Courtesy C.A.P.
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before finding
just the right one.
How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
Cut the noose.
What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Courtesy Barth
What is the best use for duct tape?
Taping a clarinetist's mouth closed.
Courtesy A.B.
How do you prevent an oboe from being stolen?
Put it in a clarinet case.
Courtesy A.B.
What's the difference between a clarinet's and a saxophone's
hospital use?
The saxophone is used to lull crying babies to sleep and the
clarinet to wake coma patients.
Courtesy M.R.
Why do clarinetists blow their horns between their legs?
That's all the excitement they can get.
Courtesy B.S.
What's the difference between 1st and 2nd Clarinet?
A half-step.
And the difference between the 1st and 3rd?
A minute and a half.
Courtesy R.
What's the difference between a mouse and a clarinet?
You can't hear a mouse squeak over a band.
Courtesy Dan Beck
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
Why aren't their very many alto clarinet jokes?
Most people have better things to do with their time.
Courtesy K.G.
How do you put down a tenor saxophone?
Confuse it with a bass clarinet.
What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you call a Bass Clarinetist with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.
How many contrabass clarinetists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
All of them.
Courtesy K.G.
What do a saxophone and a baseball have in common?
People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Courtesy C.S.
The soprano, not smart enough to use birth control, said to her
saxophone lover, "Sweetheart, I think you'd better pull out."
"Why," he asked her, "am I sharp?"
Courtesy R.H.
What did the band leader say to sax player?
Can you play solo? So low we can't hear you?
Courtesy Brian Lippman
You may be redneck saxophonist if ...
... you have an old bass sax up on blocks in your front yard.
... you spell it "saxaphone".
... you think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold
an ice-cold longneck during a gig.
... the gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buesher
sopranos.
... you think that Boots Randolph is the greatest jazz musician
that ever lived.
A saxophone player dies, and, as heaven seems quite boring to him, he finally gets permission to visit hell for an hour. As he opens the door to the music hall down there, he sees the devil conducting an All Star big band with a free chair right between Parker and Coltrane. Immediately he goes back and tells God: "This is it, I'm going to switch for good!" A little later he sits playing next to his idols, but the whole band seems to vamp on the last shout chorus for hours. Eventually he gets up and asks the devil:" Excuse me Sir, when are we going to play the coda?" In response, the devil just grins...
How many psychologists does it take to change a sax mouthpiece?
Only one, but the mouthpiece must be willing to change!
Courtesy Clifton Neal Juan
Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world
when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic
new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's
got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears
the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that
pissed in your saxophone last night!"
Courtesy F.A.
One day a saxophone player was driving down the freeway when he hit two flute players
who were crossing the road. One went through the windshield and the other flew about thirty
feet down the road. When the policeman interviewed him, he said, "Oh, you're a sax player too,
huh? Well I think I know how we can get these two flutists. I can arrest one for breaking and
entering and the other for leaving the scene of the crime."
Courtesy DaGMan
What's the difference between a sax player and a lawn mower?
One cuts grass and the other smokes it.
Courtesy Carole
Why did the saxophone player get a hernia?
He was carrying all the extra strings and picks for the guitar
players, plus the PA and half the drum kit. (The bass player hauled
the other half while the drummer scored the drugs.)
Courtesy Ed Cannata
What's the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun?
The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second.
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravelīs Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravelīs Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravelīs Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravelīs Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravelīs Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravelīs Bolero?
What is the difference between Kenny G and M. Ravelīs Bolero?
Courtesy L.C.
Kenny G gets on an elevator and says "Wow! This rocks!"
Courtesy J.H.
What should one take to a Kenny G concert?
A good book.
Courtesy S.
How does a Kenny G concert end?
"Excuse me, sir. Wake up, the concert's over."
Courtesy Capezza
A sax player is playing a lounge gig atop a 12-story hotel when,
in the middle of a solo, he stumbles and falls through the window
behind him, plummetting toward a certain death. But just as he's about
to hit the ground, he bounces off the hotel's soft awning like it's a
trampoline, does a few midair flips and lands miraculously unharmed,
standing on both feet. "Wow," says a nearby bellhop who has witnessed the
musician's amazingly lucky landing, "you're the luckiest sax player in
the world!"
"No I'm not," says the sax player. "Kenny G is."
Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
There's no place to hide your drugs.
If you can play low A on a tenor sax by sticking your foot in the bell, how can you play it on a soprano sax?
As a guy walks through a forest, a fairy suddenly appears and
offers him a free wish, whatever it might be. So he takes out a pocket
atlas and points towards different continents: "See, here, is suffering,
there, is hunger and over there, people are tortured. I want all people
to be free and healthy! Can you do that?" The fairy sighs and says:
"Well, this is very hard, even for me. Is there a chance that you can
come up with another wish instead that would make it a little easier?"
The guy answers: "As a matter of fact, there is. See, I play the
soprano saxophone, and I have such a hard time with the intonation in
the upper register. Do you think you could..." "Okay, okay, let's look
at your atlas one more time..."
Courtesy H.W.
Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes?
Because he kept ignoring the key signature -- he thought it
was a suggestion.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to do it, and four to comment on how David Sanborn would
have done it.
Why can't alto saxophonists stay married?
Blaming it on the reed doesn't work.
Courtesy Ryan Allen
How many C melody sax players can you fit into a phone booth?
Both of them.
If lost in the woods, who do you ask for directions, an in-tune
tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two
indicate that you're hallucinating.
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?
You can tune a lawnmower. And, the neighbors care if you don't
return it.
What's the difference between the creationist theory of
the origin of life and a tenor sax?
The theory doesn't have as many leaks.
How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
Courtesy H.W.
Two bari sax players were in Small Offences Court. The magistrate said to one of them, "Why are you here?" He answered, "For throwing flowers in the lake, M'Lord." Then, the magistrate asks the other one, "Why are you here?" And the other bari man says, "I'm Flowers!"
Courtesy Clifton Neal Juan
Why do bagpipe players march when they play?
1. To try to get away from the sound.
2. It's harder to hit a moving target.
Courtesy B.S.
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them
end to end -- it would be a good idea.
Courtesy Nate Wahlgren
What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth
lined up end-to-end to the moon and back?
Leave them there.
Courtesy D.P.
What does one bagpipe player never say to another?
"Hey man, what key's it in?"
Courtesy R.L.
Did you know the Irish invented the bagpipes as a joke?
The Scots haven't gotten it yet.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
This fellow walks into a bar with an octopus and says to the bartender
"I'll bet you a shot of whiskey that this octopus can play any instrument on
that stage." "You're on", replies the bartender. So the fellow puts the
octopus on the piano, away the octopus goes, jamin' Bach, Beethoven and some
Jerry Lee. The bartender was dumbfounded. "I'll bet you he can't play the
drums", says the bartender. "You're on." So the fellow puts the octopus on
the drums and away he goes all 8 arms flying, just smokin' out Buddy Rich,
Neal Peart, John Bohnam. "That's incredible", replies the bartender, "but
can he play those bagpipes?" "You bet", so the fellow takes the octopus and
puts him on the floor and gives him the bagpipes. All of a sudden there's
this horrible squeaking sound as the octopus wrestles with the bagpipes.
"HA! I knew he couldn't play those bagpipes", replies the bartender.
"Just give him a few minutes", says the fellow, "once he figures he can't
screw them, he'll play them."
Courtesy Ken St Antoine
How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Courtesy Nate Wahlgren
How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
Someone is blowing into it.
Courtesy Nate Wahlgren
Harmonica
All harmonica jokes from
The New JT30 Page
Why do dogs howl when harmonica players play?
They're trying to tell them how the song goes.
What do you call a harmonica player's accompanist?
Fido.
What do the best harmonica players have in common?
They all suck.
What do you call a harmonica player who doesn't step all over the singer's
lines?
Deceased.
What do you say at the end of a great harmonica solo?
"Thank God."
How many harmonica players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five. One to screw it in and four to determine if it should be in straight
or cross position.
What do you call a harmonica player who says he knows what notes he's
playing?
A liar.
Why do harmonica players say they play a "harp"?
1. So you won't think they play a harmonica.
2. "Harmonica" is a four-syllable word.
Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
Electric guitar. You can't beat a harmonica player to
death with a harmonica.
What do you call a harmonica player in a brand new suit?
Dearly departed.
What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A harmonica player.
If you threw a guitar player and a harmonica player
off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
The guitar player. The harp would have to stop halfway down to ask
what key they're in.
A blues musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Blues All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Muddy and the Wolf and Freddy King, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God gets to play harmonica."
What does a harp player do in his life's most tender moments?
He puts his reverb on "slow".
Why were vintage guitar amplifiers invented?
So the harp player would have a place to put his beer.
A guitar player says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my
guitar."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
This harmonica player dies and goes to heaven. There's a long line at the pearly gates, and some dude is going around telling folks in line that they can check out Hell while they are waiting for their spot by just going over to the red elevator over there (points). "You know, if you don't like it, just get back on the elevator and come back up." So, the guy thinks to himself, "Hey, gotta check it out...maybe it ain't so bad after all." so over he goes, gets into the elevator and down he goes... the elevator stops, he gets out and the Devil himself is there to show him around. So, off they go and pretty soon, he's thinking to himself that maybe this ain't so bad after all...they stop in at a nightclub, and there's a great little band inside who's playing their asses off. He spots some famous folks he knows... "Hey, ain't that Little Walter over there?" They leave, and he finally asks the Devil, "Wow, those cats were smokin'. This place is great! But one thing... there's got to be a catch to this...What is it?" The Devil turns to him and says, quite matter-of-factly, "No solos."
How is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
There once was a Violinist from Rio.
He fell in love with a girl named Cleo.
As he was removing her panties she said,
"No Andante, I want Allegro con Brio."
Courtesy Malletplyr
Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when
he plays?
Because there's no spit valve.
Why are violas larger than violins?
They're not. The violist's head is smaller.
Courtesy tuonela
Glissando: Violinist's technique for difficult runs.
Courtesy Barth
What do you do if you're short a violinist?
Have a percussionist drag his fingernails across a chalkboard.
Courtesy Barth
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
Why should you never drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
Why are there so many violinists in an orchestra?
Because the conductor actually wants someone to play to right note.
Courtesy Spectral Shift
The principal second violinist of a local orchestra came home
one night to find his house complelety engulfed in flames. One of his
neighbors came over and said, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but the
house is lost; the firefighters were just trying to contain the
flames to keep them from spreading." So the violinist sat on the
curb in despair. Another neighbor came over and said "I'm really
sorry, but your wife and children were at home when the fire started
and weren't able to get out." The violinist hung his head and began
to cry. The fire chief then came over and said "We think we know who
burned down your house and killed your family. One of the neighbors
saw the conductor of your orchestra running away from the area just
before the fire broke out." And the principal second violinist
stopped crying, brightened up and said, in awe,
"Conductor came to my house?"
Courtesy T.H.
The violinist was called before the judge in court.
"Say," said the judge, "haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
"That's right!" the violinist said hopefully, "I gave your child violin lessons!"
"Ah yes," said the judge. "Twenty years!"
Why do parents compliment their violist after a performance?
They heard the third violins.
What's the difference between a clarinet, a flute and a violin?
With the clarinet, the air comes out of the player's mouth and through the clarinet.
With the flute, the air comes out of the player's mouth and over the mouthpiece.
With the violin, the air goes in one ear and comes out the other.
Courtesy Spectral Shift
What does a viola player use for birth control?
Her personality.
Courtesy T.R.
How do you make a violist play vibrato?
Write a whole note and put "SOLO" over it.
Courtesy K.S.
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
Courtesy Lord X
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
About ten bucks
Courtesy
Joshua Quintana
Why are violin jokes so short?
So violists can understand them.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
A violinist and a violist fall off a tall building.
Who hits the ground first?
The violinist; the violist stops to ask directions.
Courtesy Barth
What are the requirements for the 2nd round of the International
Viola competition?
Holding the viola by memory.
Courtesy Barth
What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Courtesy Barth
What do a bad airplane mechanic and a violist have in common?
Both screw up Boeings.
Courtesy Barth
How many violists does it take to tile a kitchen?
Just one, but you must slice him very thin.
Courtesy Barth
Why are violists the only musicians without any problems with 7/8-beats?
Because they count: one-two-three-four-five-six-se-ven-one-two....
Courtesy J.T.
What do violists and Mike Tyson have in common?
They both are hard on ears.
Courtesy H.B.
What's the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
The prostitute knows more than 2 positions.
Courtesy Adrienne the beautiful violist
What's similar about a violist and a prostitute?
Both get paid to fake climaxes.
Courtesy Adrienne the beautiful violist
How many viola players does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Ten - one to stir the batter and nine to peel the M&Ms
Courtesy cellist
What is the distance between the first and the last viola stand in the orchestra?
Two bars.
Why there are no viola parts heard in the restored old orchestral recordings?
Because noise filtering technology improved.
How many violists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll keep breaking the bulbs with the hammer.
Courtesy T.S.
If there was a conductor and a violist standing in the middle of the road, which would you hit first?
How many violists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They can't fit.
One day, the conductor of a no-name orchestra got seriously ill,
so they pulled the second to last viola player to conduct for him.
Everything went off without a hitch, and the orchestra sounded great!
So, for the upcoming concert, they fired their old conductor and let the
viola player do it. It was great! They got rave reviews, went on
numerous tours all over the world, and became the most famous orchestra
in history. Then one day, the viola player told the concertmaster that
he would like to go back and play, and could they hire a new conductor.
So, the viola player went back to his seat, where his stand partner
quickly asked, "Oh, and where have YOU been?"
Courtesy B.S.
Once there was a viola player who was second chair in the
Winnipeg Symphony. He met a genie, who promised him three wishes.
For his first wish he asked to be a better musician, and he became first
chair. For his second wish, he asked to be an even better musician,
and he became first viola in the Berlin Symphony. For his third wish,
he wished to be an even better musician, and he ended up playing second
violin in the Winnipeg Symphony.
Courtesy
B.S.
Johnny comes home from school, and says to his mom, "Mommy,
I learned the alphabet today! The rest of the class messed up around
F, but I made it all the way through!"
Johnny's mom says, "Very good, son. That's because you're a violist."
Johnny comes home the next day and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, I counted to
a hundred today! Everyone else couldn't get past 60, but I made it all
the way to 100!"
And his mom says, "Excellent. That's because you're a violist."
The next day, Johnny comes home and says, "Mommy, the teacher measured
everyone's height in class today, and I was taller than everyone. Is
that 'cause I'm a violist?"
His mom shakes her head and says, "No, honey; that's because you're
twenty-six."
Courtesy
E.K.
A new viola player went into his first rehearsal with the orchestra, but when he sat down, all the other musicians were perplexed to see that he was wearing a set of headphones. The conductor asked him kindly: "Pardon me, but would you mind removing your headset, as we are about to begin?" The violist looked up, smiled dumbly, and said "I'd rather not." The conductor, not knowing what to do in such an odd situation, allowed the violist to keep his headphones on throughout the rehearsal. This same ritual continued on throughout the week, with the conductor asking the violist to remove the headphones, and the violist politely declining. Finally, the night of the concert arrived, and again, the violist arrived at the concert hall wearing the same set of headphones. Sure enough, the coonductor spotted the violist still wearing his headphones. The conductor immediately took the violist aside backstage and demanded: "Look, I've let you wear these stupid things every minute of every rehearsal for a week now, but tonight is the concert. Now will you please TAKE THOSE DAMNED HEADPHONES OFF??!!!" As, usual the violist replied "I'd rather not." This was the straw that broke the camel's back. The conductor's face became as red as a beet, and he screamed at the top of his lungs "I SAID TAKE THOSE DAMN HEADPHONES OFF!!!!!" Reluctantly, the violist complied. The concert began smoothly, but about three minutes into the overture, the aforementioned violist dropped dead on stage. Amidst the confusion, the conductor found the violist's headphones and placed them on his head. What he heard was a simple CD looped message: "Breathe. . . Breathe. . . Breathe. . ."
Courtesy James Fletcher
A bass player walks into rehearsal very late and the conductor asks,
"Would you like some time to tune?" "No, thanks, all the strings are the same tension.
There is no need to tune." Dumbfounded, the section leader violist stand up and shouts
at the stupid bass player, "You idiot, the strings don't have to be the same tension
for you to be in tune... all the pegs have to be at the same level and direction!!!"
Courtesy Cellist
This conductor has a party after a huge performance. The next day the
door bell rings very early in the morning. The conductor's wife comes in and says,
"Honey, there are a bunch of people in suits at the door." He says, "Don't worry,
that's the violists. They are always late, and afraid to come in."
Courtesy Will Smith
Whats the definition of a canon?
Two viola players trying to play the same part.
Courtesy Steve Dakin
Who makes the best viola mutes in the world?
Smith & Wesson
Courtesy A.M.
At a viola convention, rumor went around that one of the violists could play hemidemisemiquavers (32nd notes).
The rest of the violists gatherd 'round the fellow and asked him if it was true.
He said yes, so they told him to prove it and play one.
Courtesy Invertigo2
What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
Why does the viola burn longer?
Because it's usually still in the case.
Courtesy E.S.
Why do people tremble in fear when you walk into a bank with a violin case?
Because they are afraid there is a machine gun and you are about to use it.
Why do people tremble in fear when you walk inot a bank with a viola case?
Because they are afraid there is a viola in it and you are about to use it.
Courtesy E.S.
Why is intermission only 20 minutes long?
So that the cellists don't have to be retrained.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin.
The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
True story: Sir Thomas Beecham was rehearsing a cello concerto
with a famous female cellist. She was doing rather poorly; so much so
that it caused Sir Thomas to remark, "Madam, what you have between
your legs has given pleasure to millions and yet you sit there
scratching at it!"
Courtesy John Supko
What do playing cello in a kilt and driving a car with no
hubcaps have in common?
Both leave your nuts exposed.
Courtesy Barth
A female cellist stayed first chair because she kept her scherzo short.
Courtesy Barth
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
The cello is a very sexy instrument. Why? You gotta spread your legs to fit that big, wooden thing, you get to do a lot of fingering, and stroking. As a bonus, vibrations are so much of a pleasure as well.
Courtesy Jessica Chung
How do you get a cello to play in tune?
Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.
Courtesy VlaPlayer
Why is a string bass better than a cello?
1. The string bass holds more beer.
Courtesy tuonela
2. The string bass burns longer.
Why did the string bass player get angry at the timpanist?
Because the timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
Courtesy M.M.
Then there was the bass player who was so bad that even the
section noticed!!
How do you make a double bass sound in-tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
One day a community Orchestra was preparing to start rehearsing for
the upcoming Messiah performance. Just as the rehearsal was
about to start, the double bass player comes running in, apologizing
for his tardiness. The conductor asks, "Would you like some time to
tune before we begin?" The Bass player replies, "Why? Isn't it the
same as last year?"
Courtesy Big John
A publishing company was doing really good with their violin book titled "A Tune a Day."
So good, in fact, they're planning on releasing one for violists titled "A Tune a Week."
If that one sells well, then they will publish one for cellists titled, "A Tune a Month."
And, if all goes well, they'll release one for string bassists titled "Tune."
Courtesy Invertigo2
Definition of a string quartet: A good violinist, a bad violinist,
a would-be violinist and someone who hates violin getting together to
complain about composers.
Courtesy Barth
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.
Courtesy Barth
Harp players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes...or until someone opens a door.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
Why are harps like elderly parents?
They're both unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.
Courtesy Alissa Ann Smith
How many harpists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One to screw in the bulb and three to critique her technique.
Courtesy A.R.
What is a hooker's favorite instrument?
A guitar -- the G string is thinner.
Courtesy infidel
What's the definition of counterpoint?
Two guitar players reading the same chart.
Courtesy H.W.
Three guitarists collaborated on a book of scales.
Each contributed the one he knew.
Courtesy Barth
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Six: one to screw it in, and five to say "I can do that!"
Courtesy David Nenner
What's the best thing to play on guitar?
Solitaire.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
It's the hour before pentecostal church, and the pastor
comes up to the guitar player and says "I'm glad to see you
include Biblical precepts in your guitar playing." The guitarist
asks, "Do you mean 'make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye
peoples?'" "No", says the pastor. "'Don't let the left hand know
what the right hand is doing.'"
Courtesy Gillian
How many folk guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it and three to moan about going electric.
Courtesy T.S.
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just steal someone else's light.
Courtesy S.Z.
How many guitarists does it take to change a fluorescent tube?
Three. One to change it and the other two to tell him how much better incandescent bulbs are.
Courtesy S.Z.
What's the difference between a Stratocaster and a Les Paul?
A Stratocaster burns hotter; a Les Paul burns longer.
Courtesy S.Z.
What did the guitarist do when his instructor told him to turn on his amplifier?
He caressed it softly and said that he loved it.
Courtesy S.Z.
How do you get an electric guitarist to turn down?
Put sheet music in front of him.
How do you get him to turn off?
Put notes on it.
Courtesy J.H.
How can you tell if a guitar player is at your door?
The knocking gets louder.
Courtesy Rich Wyllis
Why are electric guitarists so bad in bed?
Because here they do not have an amplifier ...
Courtesy Sebastian
What are the two most frequent heavy metal guitarist lies?
1. I am not too loud!
2. I have already turned down!
Courtesy
A.S.
How can you tell if you're talking to a good guitarist?
He doesn't claim to be a bad-ass.
Courtesy Matt Sellers
How many electric guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, but they stand so close to each other you'd swear they were going to kiss.
Courtesy Barth
How many guitarist does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but he'll set the old one on fire.
Courtesy Eric Mitchell
True or False: A guitar is a transposed instrument.
True: Am7 transposes to A maj, E7(+9) transposes to E maj,
Db maj7 b5 transposes to D maj, C#7 b5 (+13) transposes to E maj...etc.
Courtesy Eric Mitchell
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
When you plug them in, they suck.
Courtesy Barth
In the 22nd century, how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
Courtesy Jef Hoh
What is the first thing that a lead guitarist does when he wakes up in the
morning?
He rolls over and introduces himself.
Courtesy A.H.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The piano player can do it with his left hand.
How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
Pay for the pizza.
How many country bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, five, one, five, one, five ...
Courtesy B.M.
How do you rescue a drowning bass player?
Throw his amp in the water, too.
Courtesy J.M.
Why won't anyone date bass players?
Because they screw like they play, slow and boring.
Courtesy Adam
A guitar player comes to the doctor and complains about a
serious deterioration of his memory. He especially has a hard time
remembering correct changes and is afraid to lose all his gigs. Since
the doctor can't find the cause, he asks the guitarist to leave behind
his brain for a week in his lab for more detailed examinations.
After seven days the guitar player fails to show up, and even after 2
more weeks there's no sign of him. Finally the doctor runs into him on
the street, grabs him and asks: "Excuse me, but your brain is still
waiting for you to stop by and pick it up, so why don't you show up?"
The guitarist says, "Well, I think you can keep it; I finally switched
to bass..."
Courtesy H.W.
A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday,
along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from
his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I
learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the
second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son
replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string."
One week later, the son comes home far later than expected,
smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what
happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my
lesson; I had a gig!"
Courtesy H.W.
A tour manager comes across the guitarist and bass player fighting at
the side of the stage and pulls them apart asking what the problem was.
"That bastard detuned one of the strings on my bass", says the bass player,
"And we're on stage in five minutes." "So what's the problem?", asks the
tour manager. "He won't tell me which string it was he detuned", said the Bassist.
Courtesy M.B.
An explorer was travelling through the wilds of deepest, darkest
Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears
drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his
guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When the drums
stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better, but he
kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again.
"When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got again.
Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they
were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a
trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally
trembling voice, the guide answered, "bass solo".
Courtesy J.D.
What's the difference between a bass and guitar?
You can hit a baseball further with a bass.
Courtesy K.S.
What do a banjo solo and an early ejaculation have in common?
You see it approaching, but you can't prevent it.
Courtesy H.W.
What's the best way to play a banjo?
With a hacksaw.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
What's the least used sentence in the English language?
"Is that the banjo player's Porsche?"
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise."
Courtesy Jeff Hoh
What's the definition of "perfect pitch"?
When you toss the banjo in the dumpster and it lands on the accordion.
Courtesy The Breezy Corner Basement Boys
Why do banjo players prefer picking instead of strumming?
Because an acquired skill is more easily transferred than learning a new skill.
Courtesy banjo newsletter
What's the second-least used sentence in the English Language?
"I respect that banjo player for his mind."
Courtesy James Hotelling
What is worse than a banjo?
Banjos.
Courtesy frannie mae
What's the difference between a banjo player and a frog?
A frog might get a gig.
Courtesy KEBinTN
What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has dynamic range.
Courtesy DWH
How does the discerning banjo listner tell one banjo song from another?
Different names.
Courtesy DWH
How many strings does a banjo have?
Five too many.
Courtesy Invertigo2
Banjoists spend half of their time tuning and the other half playing out of tune.
Courtesy Invertigo2
How are banjoists like bottles of beer?
They're both empty from the neck up.
Courtesy Invertigo2