Why do trombonists make the best lovers?
Trumpet players do it with 3 fingers. Baritone players do it with 4 fingers. But trombonists do it in 7 positions.
Courtesy L.N.

How can you make a trombonist's car more aerodynamic?
Take the Dominoes Pizza sign off of it.
Courtesy L.L.

What's a trombonist's favorite TV show?
Saturday Night Live.
Courtesy Barth

How does a trombone teacher charge for lessons?
On a sliding scale.
Courtesy R.B.Carter

What do you call a dead trombonist?
1) A blessing.
2) A stiff boner.
Courtesy Alexander J. Ho

What's the difference between a talented hockey player and a talented trombone player?
Hockey players are supposed to hurt people with their talents.
Courtesy A.B.

What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A tatoo.
Courtesy Steve McCann

What is the difference between first and seventh position?
A whole lot of confusion.
Courtesy Nichole Groner

A trombonist just died and is on his way to heaven. He is feeling great, for he thinks he has never to play that damn instrument again. When he visits the Holy Announcement Board, he sees that the rehearsal of the Holy Orchestra is to be at 4p.m. on Clouds 30-40. Already pissed, he goes there and sees a giant orchestra, consisting of 1 million violins, 800,000 violas, 600,000 cellos, 400,000 basses, 50,000 each woods, 40,000 trumpets, 10,000 timpani, but he just cannot find any trombones. Then after a while he sees one lonely trombonist who is really happy to get company. The piece starts and about a million violins start playing a soft ppp, then about 800,000 violas come in, then the 600,000 cellos, then 400,000 basses, then 50,000 clarinets, 50,000 oboes and bassons, 40,000 trumpets and everything is still at p. Then comes the first cue for the 10,000 timpani and now, finally, there is the first cue for the 2 trombones. They play their first note and the conductor breaks up, screaming "Trombones, too loud!"
Courtesy U.M.

What's the formula for the number of McDonald's employees in a trombone section?
Total number of players minus the number of Burger King employees, minus the number unemployed.
Courtesy A.M.

What did the trombone player do when he won the lottery?
Silly, you know trombone players can't afford tickets!
Courtesy A.M.

Why should we pity the second trombone player?
He's the only one who couldn't get the piccolo player into bed.
Courtesy A.M.

In an orchestral arrangement, what's the difference between the third trombone part and the tuba part?
The bassoon cues.
Courtesy A.M.

What is a trombone?
A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur!
Courtesy VlaPlayer

So this woman meets this guy in a bar, they have a few drinks and get back to her place for a little bit of fun... When they get into bed, the guy starts thrusting into the woman. This is extremely painful to her, because he's screwing her rather hard and misses her half of the time. Things get even worse because he starts out loud... and gets louder... and louder... and louder to the point where the woman can barely even take it anymore. After it was all over, the woman looks at the man and says, "Let me guess, you're a trombone player." He grins and replies, "How could you tell? Was it from how good I was?"
Courtesy J.V.

How many trombonists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four: 0ne to screw it in and three to make lude, sexual comments.
Courtesy tubaqueen

What's the difference between a trombone and a sewer?
Less water flows through the sewer, and it's cleaner too.
Courtesy Spectral Shift

How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
Courtesy Joel

As an ancient Chinese sage once raised the question: "Last night I dreamt that I was a beautiful butterfly, but how do I know that I'm not now a butterfly dreaming that I am a man?" I dreamt last night that I was a trombone player. Maybe I should kill myself.
Courtesy Bruce Freedman

Bass Trombone

How can you tell when a bass trombone is out of tune?
The bass trombonist is also present.
Courtesy A.M.

What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
On and Off.
Courtesy Tuba UD 00

How many bass trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
Courtesy G.B.

What do you say when you meet a bass trombone player who can improvise?

"Need... Wa... Wah... Water...(thud)"
"They're coming to take me away, ha ha!"
"Maybe that was one too many beers."
"How long will your tenor be in the shop?"
"I must be dead, but is this heaven or hell?"

Courtesy A.M.

Valve Trombone

What's the difference between a valve trombone and a baritone horn?
If you run over a baritone nobody cares. If you run over a valve trombone, every real trombonist in the world thanks you.
Courtesy A.M.

Baritone Horn

How do you call a baritone player?
Euphonium.
Courtesy J.E.G.

What do you call a baritone player with a beeper?
An optimist.
Courtesy J.E.G.

What do you do if you run over a euphonium?
Back up.
Courtesy David

What are you called if you're a really bad trumpet player?
A treble clef baritonist.
Courtesy Lann

Tuba

What's a tuba for?
1-7/8" by 3-7/8" (unless you request full cut).

What's the range of a tuba?
About 20 yards if you've got a good arm.

What do you clean your sousaphone with?
With a tuba toothpaste.
Courtesy Capezza

What do you fix it with?
A tuba glue.

How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp and three to drink until the room spins.
Courtesy C.J.C.

What's the difference between a tuba player and a dead guy who was once strung out on drugs and wore gay clothing and had no purpose in life because he lived with his parents and he had no money?
The dead guy is dead.
Courtesy J.K.

Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job?
He's a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.
Courtesy E.K.

Two tuba players walk past a bar. Hey, it could happen!!
Courtesy L.R.

"Did you hear about the tuba player on the walk from the law?"
"Don't you mean 'on the run'"?
"Come on, when was the last time you saw a tuba player running?"
Courtesy Mike Tupper

Why should you have to be a tuba player to work for a furnace repair service?
Tuba players know everything about hot air!
Courtesy A.B.

Tuba player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Courtesy Barth

How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change it, and nine to congratulate him down at the pub afterwards.
Courtesy Jack D.

Why is a tuba better than a trombone?

Tuba doubles as a urinal.
More room to hide the bodies.
Holds a lot more beer.

Courtesy tubaqueen

There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
The policeman.
Courtesy VlaPlayer

A symphony was performing Beethoven's 9th in a park one afternoon, but it was so windy that the musicians had to tie their music to the stands. When the tubas finished playing their part in movement 1, they decided, since they had 2 movements of rests, to sneak off to the pub across the street. So they sat in the pub, downed a few, and listened to the orchestra. When they heard the pickups to their part they threw money on the counter and stumbled into the street. They could barely keep from falling over as the ran to pick up their tubas, but even worse, they couldn't untie the music. They were pulling and tugging but the string was so tight that they fell over from the effort. Just then, the conductor looked back and thought, "Oh lord, it's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!"
Courtesy C.T.

How do you get a tuba player to stop playing?
Say the first three words of any Monty Python skit. They'll be shouting "ni!" for hours. Hmmmm, maybe you're better off not speaking to them...
Courtesy Eric Mitchell

Percussion

Drums

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. There's machines that can do that now.

How can you tell if there's a percussionist at the door?
The knock speeds up.
Courtesy J.M.L.

What's the most important thing about being a drummeTiming.

How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up."
Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."
Courtesy M.S.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Courtesy B.P. of PM Productions

What does Ginger Baker have in common with 7-eleven coffee?
They both suck without Cream.
Courtesy J.C.M.

What does the dyslexic drummer do after a joke?
"Ching, Badumdum".
Courtesy M.A.G.

What's the difference between a drummer and an electric drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into the machine once.
Courtesy M.K.

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
He had to break the window to get the drummer out.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

What's the last thing a stripper does with her asshole before going to work?
Drops him and his drum set off at the gig.
Courtesy J.M.

Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses do?
So they don't disgrace themselves during a parade!
Courtesy G.T.

How do you make a flutist into a drummer?
You put another useless stick in his hand, and lower his IQ by 30 points.
Courtesy Rom

How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

What has three legs and an asshole?
A drum stool.

How do you get a drummer to play his/her drums?
Start tuning your guitar.
Courtesy Kevin Dunn

Why do drummers have a pea-sized brain?
Alcohol makes the brain swell!!
Courtesy J.D.B.

How many drummers does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? It's never been done!
Courtesy E.W.

What were the drummer's last words?
"Hey, guys, check out this song I wrote..."

Did you hear about the drummer that could play a steady beat?
Me neither.
Courtesy Raum

Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A drum machine won't sleep with your girlfriend.
Courtesy Paul Peklay

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Why? Oh wow, it's like dark, Man!
Courtesy Big John

What's the first thing drummers do in the morning?
Walk home.
R.T. Coulter

How many drummers does it take to drive from Boston to Memphis?
Two if you're in the Grateful Dead, one if you're in trouble because you've gotten your girlfriend pregnant and she's a groupie, and none if you're the drummer in the Jimi Hendrix Band.
Courtesy J.K.

Support the arts, kill a drummer.
Courtesy JL

How may drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he's got to do it 3 times.
Courtesy Bee Danae

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there." After careful consideration, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The owner looks at him funny and replies, "You're a drummer, right?" The drummer is amazed. "How did you know?" "Because the 'big red one in the corner' is the radiator."
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

A man is standing on a street corner with a sign saying, "Tell me your IQ and I'll guess your profession." A guy walks up, and says "My IQ is 147." "Oo...", says the man. "You're a nuclear physicist, eh?" "That's right", says the guy, and walks off. A second guy walks up and says, "My IQ is 189." "Wow", says the man. "Brain surgeon, eh?" "Right you are", says guy #2 and he walks off. A third guy walks up and says, "My IQ is 62." The man asks, "Really? What kind of sticks do you use?"
Courtesy R.M.

Two drummers walk into a bar...which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.
Courtesy Eric Clapton

How does a bass player get to a party?
He follows the drummer.
Courtesy surly jane

How many drummers does it take to pop popcorn?
Two: One to hold the popper and one to shake the stove.
Courtesy Jessica

What would you call the smartest drummer in the world?
Midly retarded.
Courtesy Jackie Farr

Have you heard of the drummer who finished college?
Me neither.
Courtesy K.B.

What's the two biggest lies told to drummers?

I'll meet you around the back and help you in with your gear.
Don't worry...it's a simple Chick Corea tune in "9"; you'll pick it up...

Courtesy Luke Anderson

How can you tell if a drummer is on crack?
He is a drummer.

Why does the sound man say 1, 2, 1, 2 into the microphone?
So the drummer can make sure he has his sticks, 1, 2, 1, 2.
Courtesy Wendy Butler

A lady walks into a store that sells a physician's brian for 8.00 dollars, a doctor specialist's for 10.00 dollars and a drummer's brain for 700.00 dollars. The lady is comfused and ask's the clerk, "Why would a drummer's brain cost more than a physician's or a doctor specialist's brain?" The clerk replied, "It's never been used."
Courtesy C.K.

What's gray, crispy and hanging from the ceiling?
A drummer trying to change a lightbulb.
Courtesy Baritone

How did the S.M. submarine sink?
The drummer thought he heard a knock at the door, so he answered it.
Courtesy E.B.

The drummer kept slowing the tempo, and at last the bandleader couldn't take it. He shouted at the guy that he was fired. The drummer was so disraught, he went down to the railway tracks and threw himself behind a train.
Courtesy J.L.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Courtesy K.S.

I asked my drummer to spell "MISSISSIPPI".
He said, "Which one, the river or the state?"
Courtesy Jackie Farr

Why do drummers have such tiny brains?
To save room for their enormous egos.
Courtesy S.C.

Other Percussion

Did you hear about the percussionist who took an I.Q. test? It came back negative!
Courtesy Joshua and eldo

There once was a timpinist who dreamed that he was playing in "Messiah" and when he woke up he was playing in "Messiah".
Courtesy T.S.

What's the difference between a SCUD missle and a percussionist?
A percussionist's results kill you slowly. (It's an ancient form of torture.)
Courtesy A.B.

Keyboards

How can you tell if your keyboard player is geting better?
He'll tell you!

How can you tell if a keyboard player is knocking at your door?
He rings the doorbell instead!
Courtesy Rich Wyllis

Piano

Why did they say that the pianist had fingers like lightning?
They never struck the same place twice.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army base?
A flat Major.

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat Minor.
Courtesy Jolyne

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
It makes a louder noise when you drop it off a cliff.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

Why was the piano invented?
So that the musician would have a place to put his beer.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

There were two men sitting next to each other in a pub having a few beers together. One of the men turns to the other and says, "Psst, do you wanna see what I've got in my pocket?". And the other man says, "Ok, what?" To the amazement of this man, the other man takes out of his pocket a little man, playing a piano. "My goodness! Where did you get that?", says the guy. "Shhh, it's a secret. You see I've got this magic stone, all you have to do is rub it 3 times and wish for whatever you want." The man eagerly agreed, and took the stone in his hand and rubbed it three times. Closing his eyes he said, "I wish to be covered in money." And in an instant, the man found himself smothered in gallons of sticky honey. "Hey! I said 'money', NOT 'honey'!", cried the man. "Ah! Did you honestly think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"
Courtesy H.T.

President Bush goes to visit Mr. Gorbachev in Moscow. During dinner Gorbachev asks for a little piece from Bush on the piano. Bush starts playing a piece and suddenly realizes that a key is a bit damaged. He tries not to hit that key but he has to. He hits it, his chair breaks and he falls down. Everyone laughs and they go on eating. A year later, Gorbachev visits Bush in Washington. The scenerio repeats itself and Gorbachev hits the key. He gets so excited that at first he can't realize that nothing has happened. He returns to the table and laughs. "You Americans are very humorous. You know how to fake. I will tell people of this fun when I go back to Moscow." Bush replies, "What Moscow?"
Courtesy Irfan Tanver

A piano player was hired to accompany an orchestra. Through all the rehearsals, she played on an electric, playing flawlessly and beatifully. The night of the performance, as she walked on stage, she gasped in horror as she saw the full concert grand. "Oh no! It's got three pedals!!" The other musicians didn't know what to think of this remark and blew it off. Right as the piece started, she played too fast, then jerked forward and slammed on all the keys. She did this throughout the performance to the dismay of everyone in attendance. As they were walking off stage the conductor, furious, asked her what had happened. She replied, "I'm sorry, I should have told you... I can't play a stick shift."
Courtesy Eric Mitchell

It's New Years eve and a bandleader's pianist is taken ill and he's got to find someome fast. As he goes through the Union book, he slowly realizes that everyone either has a gig that night or is out of town for the holidays! He's starting to sweat bullets as he comes to the last name on the list. He calls and the voice on the other end says, "Bitchin' dude, I'd love to play with you, but I've got to warn you I only know three songs." "Fine," said the bandleader" you are the last one in the book so I have no choice, but out of idle curiosity, what songs are they?" The fellow replied, "'Happy Birthday', 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' and 'Giant Steps'."
Courtesy David Rigby

Organ

How many organists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to complain that the switch doesn't have any combination pistons.
Courtesy R.H.

What's better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.

Accordion

Why doesn't heaven have a pipe organ?
Because they needed the keys in hell to make accordions.

What is the patron saint of accordion?
Our Lady of Spain.
Courtesy Barth

How do you know if the guy knocking on your door is a accordionist?
He doesn't stop even after you answer.
Courtesy Barth

A topless bar tried to have a Polka Night but the accordionist kept getting hurt.
Courtesy Barth

The PLO has taken 90 accordion players hostage, and if their demands aren't met, they'll release one every hour.
Courtesy L.G.

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

An accordion player in his middle 40's was driving home around 10:00 pm from a Bar Mitzva. When he left, he placed his instrument in the back window of his car so he could watch it while he drove to make sure it was OK. On his way, he decided to stop at a bar and get a drink to make up for the boring night. He stopped, locked his car, and then went inside. After he had had about 3 drinks, he suddenly realized where he put the accordion! He should have remembered what happened last time he left it in his back window! So he ran outside and looked at his car. The back window was broken in, and glass was all over the place. And, sure enough, there were two more accordions!!!

When you arrive in heaven, St. Peter says, "Welcome to heaven! Here's your harp."
When you arrive in hell, Satan says, "Welcome to hell! Here's your accordion."
Courtesy P.R.O.

What is worse than a bad accordion player?
A good accordion player.
Courtesy B.B.

Synthesizer

How can you tell if there is a synth player at your door?
You think you hear him knocking but you're not quite sure.
Courtesy B.P. of PM Productions

How many techno-musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. The bulb's already been changed, but you need one to turn on the light and nine to go out to eat.

Why do synth players jump up and down on stage?
To be noticed.
Courtesy L.A.S.

Voice

There was a giant singing in an opera. He was on stage singing his song to a little mouse standing in front of the stage. When the giant finished singing his song, the little mouse turned around to sing a song back to the giant. But unfortunately he could not sing it because his song was ..... inoperable.
Courtesy J.B.

Soprano

Why can't a soprono drive faster than 68 m.p.h.?
Because at 69 she blows a rod.

What's the difference between a soprano and a Jaguar?
Most musicians have never been in a Jaguar.
Courtesy J.M.L.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one; she just holds it in place, and the whole world revolves around her.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and one to watch and say, "Don't you think that's a bit high for you, dear?"
Courtesy L.C.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; she thinks it's the accompanist's job.
Courtesy R.T.

How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, the piano player will end up doing it eventually.
Courtesy Invertigo2

What is the difference between a dressmaker and a soprano?
The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
Courtesy J.D.

What's the difference between a soprano and a drink machine?
With the drink machine, you might actually get a Hi-C.
Courtesy G.B.

What's the difference between a soprano and a toilet?
The toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
Courtesy Barth

What is the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry, darling, the jewelry!
Courtesy J.M.

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Two -- one to do it and one to kick the ladder out from under her.
Courtesy B.VH.

What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sight-read.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

How do you make a soprano shut up?
Stop her tape recording.

What's the difference between a Soprano and the Titanic?
They know how many people went down on the Titanic.
Courtesy Big John

How do you save a soprano from drowning?
Take your foot off of her head.
Courtesy Mopar69

How do you drown a soprano?
Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Courtesy Mopar69

What's the difference between a soprano and Baluga caviar?
Not everyone's eaten Baluga caviar.
James Fletcher

Two fleas were hanging out one day, and one told the the other about its night. "Hey man, I had a great time last night, I went to the symphony, and I had the best seat in the house, in the conductor's beard. Things were cool until the second movement, when he sneezed, and I was flung into the soprano soloist's cleavage. That wasn't bad, nice and warm and all, but she got all worked up and started to sweat, and I slid down between her legs. I stayed there and fell asleep, but there is one thing I don't get. When I woke up, I was in the conductor's beard again."
Courtesy J.F. and J.G.

Mezzosoprano

How many mezzosopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who cares!
Courtesy P.W.S.

Alto

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they cannot reach it.
Courtesy musicmin

What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
More body hair on the alto.

What do you see when you look up an alto's dress?
A tenor.
Courtesy Barth

How do you get an alto to sing f?
Put fff on her music.

Tenor

A woman goes into a butcher shop to get something special for dinner. She spies something which looks interesting and asks the butcher how much it costs. "Well ma'am, those are the brains of a soprano, and they're a $1.50 a pound." "Oh, ok", replies the woman. "What's that?", she asks, pointing. "Those are the brains of a bass, and they're $3.00 a pound." "Oh", says the woman, "that looks great, what is it?" "Ma'am, those are the brains of a tenor, and they are $40.00 a pound." "That's outrageous!", says the woman. "Why is it so much for those brains?" "Ma'am", replies the patient butcher, "do you have any idea how many tenors it takes to make one pound of brains?"
Courtesy J.R.

What's the difference between a dramatic tenor, a lyric tenor, and a heldentenor?
A dramatic tenor has two testicles, a lyric tenor has one testicle, a heldentenor has two testicles but he's standing on one of them.
Courtesy G.B.

What's the difference between a stuck-up soprano and a stuck-up tenor?
Two octaves.
Courtesy Barth

What do a woman in labor and a tenor have in common?
They both strain.
Courtesy Barth

How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

How many tenors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
100. One to screw the lightbulb in, and 99 to whine "It's too high!"
Courtesy Aaron Ma

Baritone

Three male singers were on a boat: a bass, a tenor, and a baritone. All of a sudden, the boat started to sink. The bass, heroic as usual, says, "Save the women and children!" The tenor says, "Screw the women and children!" and the baritone says, "ya think we have time?"
Courtesy Emily

Bass

How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

Choir

The choir for the mentally impaired was not allowed sugar for snacks and became known as the Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
Courtesy Barth

Why do school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

What do Monica Lewinsky and a high school choral director have in common?
They both suck at their jobs.
Courtesy James Fletcher

How does a guy end up in a high school choir?
Shows up in the wrong room on the first day of school.
Courtesy A.G.

Whats the difference between a World War and a high School choir performance?
The performance causes more suffering.
Courtesy Alan Gallegos

Vocalist (Non-legit)

What do you call a girl that hangs around with musicians?
A singer.
Courtesy E.v.O.

How do you know when there's a female vocalist at the door?
She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
Courtesy J.J.E.

How do you know that it's the lead singer knocking at your front door?
You open the door and she still doesn't know when to come in.
Courtesy E.v.F.

How many female vocalists does it take to sing the song "Crazy"?
(by Willie Nelson, made famous by Patsy Cline)
All of them.
Courtesy P.H.

What's the first thing that a female singer does after she gets up in the morning?
1. Puts on her clothes and goes home.
Courtesy J.P.L.
2. Looks for her instrument.

What does a girls band vocalist's mother say to her before she goes out?
If you are not in bed by midnight you have to come home.
Courtesy A.S.

What´s the difference between a female lead singer and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Courtesy A.M.A.

If the singer and drummer got in a fight, who would win?
It's a trick question. There would be no fight. The singer would whine until he got his way!
Courtesy Rich Wyllis

One night, a lounge piano player pulls over the singer and says, "Now tonight we'll try a special version of this song: after five and a half measures of intro you come in with the second verse a minor third up, go to the bridge after 11 bars, twice modulate a half step down and halfway in the last A-section you start the tag, but a tritone lower. Are you ready? One, two,..." "Hell, wait!" the singer interrupts. "I'll never be able to do this!" The pianist replies, "But you nailed it last night!"
Courtesy H.W.

Heckler: Can you sing tenor?
Singer: Of course.
Heckler: TEN OR twelve miles away!
Courtesy Orly V.

To do is to be - Descartes
To be is to do - Voltaire
Do be do be do - Frank Sinatra
(Found in men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona)
(Originally from the opening of the movie Subway by Luc Besson.)
Courtesy F.A.

Heckler: "CNN reports that 95% of all female singers sing in the shower and the other 5% masturbate. Do you know what song?"
Vocalist: "No..."
Heckler: "I didn't think so!"
Courtesy J.M.C.

A musician dies in a horrible auto crash and goes straight to Hell. Satan greets him at the gates and takes him to his fate. When Satan opens the door, the musician sees a stage full of other players, even a couple he had performed with in the past. Satan tells him he will be part of this band and will check back with him later to see how he's getting along. The musician joins the others in several songs and has the time of his life - all were jamming and making the best music possible. After the set, Satan returns to see how he's doing. He tells Satan that this band rocks and that he never thought Hell could be this great. Satan then says, "Hold on, the female vocalist will be back from her break in a minute."
Courtesy J.F.

Conductor

How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but, then again, who's really watching?

What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in front and the ass in back.
Courtesy A.S.K.

Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet into the earth?
Because deep down he was a nice guy.
Courtesy C.A.P.

What's the difference between a dead conductor in the road and a dead snake in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Courtesy P.J.

Why are conductor's hearts coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

How's a conductor like a condom?
It's safer with one but better without!
Courtesy S.G.

What do all great conductors have in common?
They're all dead.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

If you drop a conductor and a watermellon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Courtesy Barth

Why do conductors wear turtlenecks?
To hide the foreskin.
Courtesy Barth

What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor?
A Doberman.
Courtesy Barth

What do you need when you have a conductor up to his neck in quicksand?
More quicksand.
Courtesy Barth

What does a good conductor weigh?
28 oz.(not incuding the urn).
Courtesy Barth

If you were in a room with Hitler, Hussein and a conductor and had a gun but only two bullets, what should you do?
Shoot the conductor twice.
Courtesy Barth

The Defintion of a conductor: Someone who is able to follow many people at once.
Courtesy J.M.

Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors can actually read Greek.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

What kind of idiot has the orchestra tune to an oboe?
The conductor.
Courtesy A.M.

Whatis the difference between an orchestra and a freight train?
A freight train needs a conductor!
Courtesy Dick Meno

One of the members of the symphony calls the front office asking for the conductor. The receptionist informs him that the conductor is dead. The next day, he calls again, asking for the conductor. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, the conductor is dead". The musician calls on the next day, again asking for the conductor. The exasperated receptioninst says, "Look, why do you keep calling here? I'm telling you, the conductor is DEAD!! To which, the symphony member calmly replied, "I just really enjoy hearing you say that!".

A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other in the forest. The rabbit said, "Watch where you are going. Can't you see that I am blind?" The snake replied. "No. I can't see that you are blind because I am blind myself." Then the rabbit got a brilliant idea. "Why don't we feel each other and guess what the other is?" The snake accepted this proposal and went first. The snake said, "Let's see -- your furry with long ears and a cotton tail - you must be a rabbit." "Very good," said the rabbit. "Now it's my turn. You are cold, slimy, spineless and have no ears. You must be a conductor."
Courtesy B.F.

In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as "strings". Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as "percussionists". Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.
Courtesy B.S.

There once was a conductor who was in the middle of his prime, and, feeling that he had accomplished a lot, decided to write a personal letter to God. He told Him of all the joy he's had molding voices, annoying instrumentalists and his of his life's ambition to create a style of conducting so unique that even he himself could not recognize it. He then ended his letter saying he knew exactly how it felt to be God. The conductor then had a terrible fall and passed away. As he reached the Pearly gates an angel appeared and the conductor said, "Hey, you look just like Bach!" Another angel appeared, and soon he was surounded by tons of famous musicians. He then walked through the Pearly gates, and there in front of him was a man with grey hair, tails and a bow tie. "Who's that?", the conductor asked. An angel replyed, "Oh, ... that's God ... pretending to be a conductor.
Courtesy R.R.

A conductor died and went to Hell. He was handcuffed for the rest of eternity with a scolding hag. Later he saw Fritz Reiner handcuffed with Marilyn Monroe. When he approached the Devil and complained of the alleged injustice, he was told, "Marilyn Monroe's punishment is none of your business!"
Courtesy M.B.

A little girl once asked her mother "Mommy, can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" The mother's thought, "How did my child find out about anal intercourse?" Then she said, "Of course you can; how do you think we get conductors?
Courtesy Cory

A man and a boy were taking a walk through the cemetery. The boy said, "Look, Daddy, here's a grave where two people are buried!" The father said, "Two people? Let me look." So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man."
Courtesy M.B.

It was 20 minutes before a big concert and the conductor hadn't shown up yet. One orchestra member and a music critic ran around franctically trying to find someone who could conduct. No one in the performance hall could. They then ran out in the street, where there were a horse and a dog. The men walked up to the dog and asked, "Can you conduct?" The dog replied, "I don't know, but I'll try." He then stood up on his hind legs and tried, but he couldn't stay up long enough for a whole piece. So they turned to the horse: "Can you conduct?" He hadn't tried either, but he said that he would. He turned around and swung his tail in 4/4 time. That's perfect! yelled the orchestra member. But just then the horse crapped on the ground. The critic said, "We can't have him conduct, what would the orchestra think?" The orchestra member replied: "Trust me, from this angle, no one will know the difference!"
Courtesy Leo Cari

Quotes attributed to Eugene Ormandy:

"Who is sitting in that empty chair?"

"If you don't have it in your part, leave it out because there is enough missing already."

"I need one more bass less."

"We can't hear the balance yet because the soloist is on the plane."

"Thank you for your co-operation and vice versa."

"I never say what I mean but I always manage to say something similar."

"I don't want to confuse you more than absolutely necessary."

Courtesy Barth
Spence's comment: Apparently music's answer to Yogi Berra.

Band Leader

BANDLEADERS' BY-LAWS

Never disclose how much you're getting for a job. This way you can pay your sidemen as little as possible and keep most of the money yourself.

Always make the sidemen think you're paying them out of your own pocket.

Make the sidemen wait as long as possible for their money.

Just before you pay the band, complain to them about how little you're getting for the job, the high cost of your medical insurance, etc.

Always try to use the same musicians on consecutive dates. Remember, more work equals less pay.

Keep your sidemen on their toes; if they get the slightest notion of job security, make them think you're getting ready to fire them.

Never compliment your sidemen. Listen carefully for their mistakes.

Always berate, insult and embarrass your sidemen in front of others. Remember, the lower a man's self-esteem, the less likely he is to ask for a raise, or tell you to go screw yourself.

Always call songs you're sure will put a damper on the occasion. "Who's Sorry Now?" for instance, is a good one to start off a wedding.

Always play tempos people can't dance to.

Call as many tunes as you can back-to-back in the same keys and at the same tempos.

If the audience is having fun, start an argument on stage with one of your sidemen.

Always find ways of chiseling on the contract. Start late, end early, and take long breaks.

To enhance your own image, always let little goodies slip in conversations about fellow musicians. "I hear he has a drug problem." is a good example.

Always play to the tastes of the minority in your audience.

Always select tunes you're not sure of, and that nobody knows. The bandstand is a good place to practice.

Never talk to the audience.

Run a tight ship; never allow the sidemen to look like they're having fun.

Better to bore the audience than take a chance you might offend.

Wait until downbeat before you think of your lineup.

If people start to dance, switch to tempos that are hard to dance to.

Always shake hands on the bandstand to show how long it?s been since you?ve last seen your sidemen.

Always ogle and eyeball every attractive woman who passes by the bandstand. Show everyone what a cool guy you are.

Ignore requests.

Make sure your raunchy asides can be heard over the microphone.

Always take time between songs to tell your sidemen stories about your day.

Always get to the food before the sidemen; if possible, before the guests. Make your mark on the egg salad.

Heap your plate especially high, and go sit and eat next to the people who hired you.

Keep your appearance nice; bring your dental floss, and floss on the bandstand on one of your breaks.

Courtesy Art Dekko

Band Director

What's the difference between a band director and a bag of fertilizer?
The bag.
Courtesy N.M.

A band director avoided being struck by lightening even though he stayed on his aluminum ladder in a thunderstorm. (Seems he wasn't a good conductor.)
Courtesy Barth

We took a collection for our band director's funeral asking $50 from comunity leaders. We got $100 with a note to bury two of them.
Courtesy Barth

A few actual quotes from a HS band director:

"Measure your numbers."

"We'll have two flutes play the solo."

"Everyone, 69! Oh, I mean play measure 69!"

Courtesy T.G.

One day a mother goes to wake up her son and he says
"But, Mommy, I don't wanna go to school today!"
"But, Son, you have to." said his mom. "I won't make you go if you give me 2 good reasons to stay home."
"OK. First, no one likes me. And 2, everyone calls me a band dork." he whined.
"Well, here is the reason they do that: YOU ARE 49 years old and the BAND director!" his mom said.
"Ok I'll go," He whined
Courtesy Katy

Marching Band

A joke: One year at band camp.

What has 32 feet, and an I.Q. of 33?
The flag core.
Courtesy Kyle Thomas

What is the most commonly heard phrase at any college Saturday morning dress rehersal?
Damn, it smells like a brewery! Oh, here comes the drumline!
Courtesy Paul Peklay

Top Ten Ways to Piss Off your Drum Major

10. Listen intently to his instructions. Do exactly the opposite. Insist that that was what he said to begin with.

9. Empty spit exactly in the spot where he steps down from the podium. Get the entire brass section to do this. Often.

8. Harass the cheerleaders. Blame the comments on the drum major.

7. Invent your own tempo. Stick to your guns, no matter how big his beats are or how much he glares at you.

6. "Confess" to your band director that you just can't follow such bad conducting and obscured beats.

5. Drop vital instrument parts during drill (this includes bells, foot joints, slides, etc.).

4. Wait until he's just finished an hour of basics reviewing. "Forget" to step off on your left foot. Repeatedly.

3. Whenever you see him trying to find his tempo, immediately start singing, playing, or tapping your foot loudly and out of tempo. Annoyingly infectious songs or songs in a completely different meter are especially effective.

2. Wait until the busses have left before looking surprised and announcing loudly, "No one told us to take our uniforms off the bus, too!" or "You mean they aren't coming back to unload the instruments?!" NOTE: the above are best performed by at least three people for maximum chaos.

And the Number One way to piss off your Drum Major is . . .

1. In your sweetest and most respectful voice, ask him, "As God, why can't you make our team win a game?" Look serious. Expect an answer. Wait for one.

Courtesy K.I.

Additional suggestions:

Leave an important uniform or instrument pieces in the stands. Leave another one when you go to get it. Works best if you use a stupified look when asked where said object is.

Courtesy Jessie Furr

Top Ten Ways To Know You've Been In Band Too Long:

10) You actually like marching and would kill to do it year round.
9) The drummers start to make sense to you.
8) You stay in step with the people around you when you walk.
7) You direct to the songs on the radio.
6) You wonder what life will be like after band.
5) You roll step while walking to class.
4) You think Louie, Louie is the best song ever written.
3) You major in music in college and use your band director as a role model.
2) You start screaming "LEFT", "LEFT", "LEFT" to the people that walk in front of you on the way to class.
1) You can relate to three of more of these things.

Courtesy Llano High School Marching Band

Two more ways:

You start thinking that trumpet players have a right to be egotistical.
The drummers actually start making sense to you!

How many flag twirlers does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's a lightbulb?
Courtesy R.

How many Notre Dame Marching Band members does it take to change a lightbulb?
225: one to change the bulb, 24 to play the fight song, and 200 to check the University's standings in the national lightbulb-changing polls.
Courtesy A.M.

What do you call a drum line member that doesn't like heavy metal?
A trumpet player with a split lip.
Courtesy Eric Mitchell

What do drum line members do after they graduate high school?
Retire and live off social security.
Courtesy Eric Mitchell

What's the difference between a drum line and shoes in the dryer?
Nothing.
Courtesy Jackie Farr

Miscellaneous Others

Composer

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Phillip Glass.
Courtesy J.M.L.

What did they find when they dug up Beethoven's grave?
He was decomposing.
Courtesy N.K.

Why did Mozart kill his chickens?
Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"
Courtesy R.L.

Bach had 22 kids because he had no stops on his organ.
Courtesy Barth

"I'm told that Wagner's music is not as bad as it sounds." - Mark Twain
Courtesy Barth

Speilberg thought of an idea for a action drama about famous musicians played by superstars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwartzenegger all showed up. Speilberg told them to pick what musician they wanted to be as long as they were famous. "I'll be Mozart because I've always admired his classial music", said Stallone. "I liked Chopin's piano music and I think I'll play his role", said Bruce. "I think I'll be Beethoven because he wrote excellent music. Speilburg was excited because he loved this idea. When he asked who Arnold would be, Arnold said, "I'll be Bach".
Courtesy H.S.

What's the difference between an extra-large pizza and a composer?
The extra-large pizza can feed a family of four.
Courtesy Pat

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
Courtesy Jeff Hoh

These jokes are so bad I can't Handel them.
They make me Lizstless.
They can be too Mendlesohm.
You'd better go out Bach and stay in Haydn.
Courtesy Barth

Gone Chopin
Got my Lizst
Bach later
Probably Baroque.
Courtesy Jennifer

What is brown and sets on a piano bench?
Beethoven's last movement.
Courtesy Scott from Nebraska

Music Theorist

Why was the music theorist drunk?
He tried to use a fifth with his tonic.
Courtesy E.K.

What's an augmented fuck?
F - U - C# - K
Courtesy J.C.

What is the Definition of a 6/9 chord?
The Augmented root of the Bass is in the Soprano
Courtesy John Adams

Music Critic

How many music critics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Music critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it.
Courtesy Barth

How many music critics does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They work in the dark.
Courtesy Barth

Why are music critics' columns bad choices to line the bottom of a bird cage?
It's too hard to distiguish the droppings from the writing.
Courtesy Barth

What do you get if you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.
Courtesy Barth

What do you get if you cross a music critic?
A bad review.
Courtesy Barth

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Courtesy K.S.

Record Producer

How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"
Courtesy B.P. of PM Productions

One day the musicians for a rather large recording session were assembling at a studio. Everyone had ther headphones on, the session was close to getting underway and the producer of the session came over the talkback system and said "Okay I need to have total silence! Just then the drummer on the session played a big Barumdum Crash! To which the record producer replied, "Okay who did that?"
Courtesy P.H.

Disc Jockey

What do a SCUD missile and a DJ have in common?
Both are easy to fire and you don't care where they land.
Courtesy Barth

Sound Man

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, two, three, one, two, three.
Courtesy Barth

Why do sound men only count to two? ("test one, two, test one, two")
Because you have to lift on 3.
Courtesy Brandon

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
None; sound men don't do lights.
Courtesy J.M.

What's the difference between a sound man and God ?
God does not think he is a sound man.
Courtesy I.L.

Stagehand

A woman goes to a police station and says that she's been raped. The officer asks her if she knew the name of ther person who raped her. She says no, but she was pretty sure that the rapist was a stagehand. When the officer asks why, she replies, "Well, all the while he was raping me, he was whining about it, and afterwards, he wanted a T-Shirt!"

How many stagehands does it take to change a lightbulb?
"That's not our job!"
Courtesy Invertego

How many union stagehands does it take to change a lightbulb?
Thirty-five. "YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
Courtesy Barth

Links to Other Music Humor Sites

123Musicstars.com
The Popular Music Guide's humor page.

Instrument Jokes from MIT
Courtesy Amy Humphries and Mr. A
(Hi Mr. A from FFHJ concert band)

Meri Dolevski's Home Page
Includes a nice collection of music jokes, one-liners and observations.

Jokes City
Lots of Jokes in those other categories (blondes, lawyers, etc.) plus a great colloction of Java games and plenty of other stuff.

The Official Band Dictionary
...according to Leigh H.S., that is. Many definitons, some humor specific to the LHS Marching Band.

Go to the Spence's Music Jokes Yahoo club
Submit a Joke or Comment