It is an INFJ who is likely to have visions of human events past, present, or future. If a person demonstrates an ability to understand psychic phenomena better than most others, this person is apt to be an INFJ. Characteristically, INFJs have strong empathic abilities and can be aware of another's emotions or intents even before that person is conscious of these. (I have never had visions of events or a psychic encounter, but the observation about empathic ability is correct.) This can take the form of feeling the distress of illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other types. INFJs can intuit good and evil in others, although they seldom can tell how they came to know. Subsequent events tend to bear them out, however. (This is an amazing ability I believe I have.)
INFJs are usually good students, achievers who exhibit an unostentacious creativity. (I consider myself a good student, but I don't think I'm creative. I like to wait to see what works for others in class before making a decision about which direction I'll go in.) They take their work seriously and enjoy academic activity. (This is true.) They can exhibit qualities of overperfectionism and put more into a task than perhaps is justified by the nature of the task.(This is absolutely true, and I consider it to be one of my personality weaknesses. I will spend a ton of time working on a little issue that I later find, much to my dismay, is relatively inconsequential to the big project. I should note that recently with the help of peers I have been working on developing better work skills in this area.) They generally will not be visible leaders, but will quietly exert influence behind the scenes. (This is not true about me. Where I can be completely satisfied working behind the scenes, I have learned that often if I work behind the scenes, the front player sucks, so I end up taking control anyway. Leadership is a skill that can be learned, but is natural for others. I am a person who had to learn it (and I still am in many ways) but I feel as though I am a leader by necessity. Again, I'm fine with working in the shadow. The bottom line for me is: good work must be accomplished.)
INFJs are hard to get to know. (In a vacuum, this is true. Experiences in college, however, built my character up, and gave me more confidence in dealing with other people, so I don't think I'm so hard to get to know.) They have an unusually rich inner life (I knew it was rich, but it's interesting to hear "unusually.") , but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. (True enough) Because of their vulnerability through a strong facility to introject, INFJs can be hurt rather easily by others, which, perhaps, is at least one reason they tend to be private people. (Somewhat true) People who have known an INFJ for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. (This is true about me, but what it means is that my outlook on an issue or a general mannerism may change. It doesn't mean INFJs go psycho every other year.) Not that INFJs are inconsistent; they are very consistent and value integrity. But they have convoluted, complex personalities which sometimes puzzle even them. (This is exactly right.)
INFJs like to please others and tend to contribute their own best efforts in all situations. They prefer and enjoy agreeing with others, and find conflict disagreeable and destructive. (Nope, not me. I enjoy argument, actually, provided that it's with people I trust and respect, a.k.a. my friends. The statement is correct if it applies to people I don't know...Then yes I hate conflict.) What is known as ESP is likely found in an INFJ more than in any other types, although other types are capable of such phenomena. INFJs have vivid imaginations exercised both as memory and intuition, and this can amount to genius, resulting at times in an INFJ's being seen as mystical. (An interesting observation, and quite a compliment. I have been told I am "mysterious" to some people, which sounds really weird to me. Instead of marvelling at me, why don't they just ask me what I think? It's really not that hard.) This unfettered imagination will enable this person to compose complex and aesthetic works of art such as music, mathematical systems, poems, plays, and novels. In a sense, the INFJ is the most poetic of all the types. (I always suspected this about myself, and this confirms it. I do feel the ability to orchestrate plays, novels, music, and write books.) Just as the ENTJ cannot not lead, so must an INFJ intuit; this capability extends to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come. INFJs can have uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance. (A fascinating idea... I can see how other INFJs could have this ability because I am empathic, but I have never had any visions or anything. The more relevant comment is about the intuition... I am always intuiting... thinking ahead, examining possibilities, evaluating potential... that is so me!)
INFJs make outstanding individual therapists who have the ability to get in touch with the archetypes of their patients in a way some other types do not. The INFJs are also the most vulnerable of all the types to the eruption of their own archetypal material. As therapists, INFJs may choose counseling, clinical psychology, or psychiatry, or may choose to teach in these fields. Writing about these professions often intrigues an INFJ. Whatever their choice, they generally are successful in these fields because their great personal warmth, their enthusiasm, their insight, their depth of concentrations, their originality, and their organizational skills can all be brought into play. (This is true about me. More than one person has told me I am easy to talk to one on one.)
At work as well as socially, INFJs are highly sensitive in their handling of others and tend to work well in an organizational structure. They have a capacity for working at jobs which require solitude and concentration, but also do well when in contact with people, providing the human interaction is not superficial.(The comment about not being superficial is most important.) INFJs enjoy problem-solving and can understand and use human systems creatively and humanistically. (I don't necessarily enjoy solving problems; I consider it necessary for the proper order of things.)As employees or employers, INFJs are concerned with people's feelings and are able to provide in themselves a barometer of the feelings of individuals and groups within the organizations. (This is me me me.) INFJs listen well and are willing and able to consult and cooperate with others. Once a decision is made, they work to implement it. (Yes.)
INFJs are generally good at public relations and themselves have good interpersonal relations. (This is definitely me.) They value stiff harmony and want an organization to run smoothly and pleasantly, themselves making every effort to contribute to that end. (This is not exactly correct... Harmony is good, but not always necessary for me. Moreso, I value stiff respect in the workplace. I don't need you to like me, or me to like you, but what we need to do good work is a healthy respect between us. Again, the bottom line is that we create an environment where, as above, good work can be accomplished (for the greater order of the common good).) They are crushed by too much criticism and can have their feelings hurt rather easily. They respond to praise and use approval as a means of motivating others, just as they, the INFJs, are motivated by approval. If they are subject to a hostile, unfriendly working condition or to constant criticism, they tend to lose confidence, become unhappy and immobilized, and finally become physically ill. (This is strikingly true, and I consider it a huge personal weakness. I have become physically ill because of criticism of my work in the past. It's a frightening and dangerous thing.)
Home
As mates, INFJs are usually devoted to their spouses, but may not always be open to
physical approaches. They tend to be physically demonstrative at times, but wish
to choose when , which is when they are in the mood. This may be quite confusing
to an extraverted mate. Often an INJF's expressions of affection will be subtle,
taking a humorous, unexpected turn. INFJs need and want harmony in their homes and
find constant conflict, overt or covert, extremely destructive to their psyches.
Their friendship circle is likely to be small, deep, and longstanding. As parents,
INFJs usually are fiercely devoted. A female INFJ, particularly, is linked to her
children in a way different from the other types: with almost a psychic symbiosis.
This deep bond can create an overdependency that can be unhealthy for both mother
and child. At the same time, INFJs tend to be good friends with their children,
while firm in discipline. They usually are concerned about the comfort of a
home and most especially the comfort, physical health, and emotional well-being
of both mates and children. (This describes me exactly,
except for the comments about physical openness and demonstration. I try to remember
my mate relies on me just as much as I rely on her.)
Midlife
At midlife an INFJ can best continue developing the thinking function in the form of
logic and the pursuit of theory. The pleasure of taking a theoretical model and
applying it to a situation may be a source of interest which an INFJ may have been
neglecting. While continuing to pursue the person to person in feeling-type
relationships, at midlife INFJs may want to get more involved in working with NT's,
who offer a dimension not dominant in NF's and vice versa. Carefully providing
for rest and taking care of physical health is vital to the INFJ at all times, and
mandatory from midlife on.
Mates
The oracular INFJ may opt for the inventive ENTP, but also may go for a different kind
of contrary, namely the ESTP. The ESTP and ENTP, to the casual observer, look pretty
much alike. Charming, suave, urbane, humorous, witty, fantastically easy to approach,
venturesome, even reckless. But one is out to invent, the other to promote; this is
no small difference. It takes an inventor to make a mousetrap, it takes a promoter
to make an enterprise. To succeed, the promoter has to be, in the best sense of the
word, a con artist. He must be able to get people's confidence. Now why would a
meaning-giver INFJ be intrigued by an entrepreneur ESTP? Because he wants to
help the entrepreneur find his soul and his significance in the scheme of things.
Similarly, why is the INFJ attracted to the ENTP? Because he wishes to rescue
this iconoclast from his seeming folly (and let's face it, most inventions are
abortive, or still-born). (This last point is something I
can definitely identify with. I definitely like to help people understand their
significance in the grand scheme of life, if it does not appear they are aware of it.)
Courting
If ever a person died for love, it was sure to have been an Apollonian (NF). Romeo and
Juliet, both NFs, could not face the prospect of life without each other and so chose
to die in a way that was symbolic of their single minded and eternal commitment to each
other. Other famous lovers, such as Heloise and Abeard, the Brownings, Antony and
Cleopatra, Beth the landlord's daughter and her highwayman, all created a work of art
in their courtships. This is not surprising, since one of the arts at which the NF
is skilled is that of creating the romantic relationship.
(I think in 10 years, this will be true. This characteristic of my personality hasn't yet
been fully realized in practice yet because I've been so darn busy with building a social and
educational foundation upon which I can begin to build a more relaxed and joyfully romantic
lifestyle. That's all in the future. Right now, the plan is work work work.)
In fact, the term sex
would seem somehow crude when used in discussing the NF; love better captures their
appreciation of the physical relationship.(For me,
this is only somewhat true. Ideally, I acknowledge that this comment is true about me,
but at the same time, I am still a young male, and I have all the natural thoughts and
desires common to young adult males (thank heavens!))
Both the NF female and male respond to
their mates with sympathy, tenderness, and frequent, passionate expressions of
love, both verbal and non-verbal.(I'm not sure I go
out of my way to do this. I try to make my contribution to the relationship by
starting out from a low-issues/high self-confidence position and stressing
friendship and companionship. All the rest just flows naturally out of that disposition.)
Possessing facility with language, NFs are
able to express nuances of emotions that may escape other types.
(This is very true.) NFs are not
afraid of using poetry, music, and quotations to enhance their courting
relationships; the romantic developments in the lives of NFs thrive on
receiving these tokens of affection and dedication.
(And this is true as well, but this doesn't mean that I take this to the level of
being cheesy, as you see in the movies with silly romantics. I actually do have a life,
I think.) NFs have a flair for
dramatizing their courtships, making each the perfect love. A storybook
flavor permeates their courtship behavior. The NF suitor is certain he
will live happily ever after, and transmits this certainty to the object of
romantic pursuit.(This was more true in high school and
early undergrad. After a couple break ups, the story book thing flies right out
the window.) The ideal of the perfect love that will never die motivates
the NFs in their search for a partner who can relate spiritually as well as
physically. (Yes!)They strive to be authentic lovers capable of sustaining deep
intimacy. Seeing their identity as mate is a major part of their personality.
(Again, this is very true.)
Just as the possible rather than the actual lures NFs in other parts of their lives, so do the possibilities in relationships inspire them. (Very much so... I never consider a relationship closed until the closure is formalized.) When a relationship is being established, the recipient of the NF's attention is apt to be the center of his world. The pursuit is given almost single-minded attention and no effort is spared in the wooing. An undying love is in the offing, and once the physical relationship is consummated (for a male NF) or the words of love spoken (for a female NF) the relationship will be blessed with romantic bliss. (Somewhat true for me, although the idea of "romantic bliss" makes me raise an eyebrow...) Both NF males and females are likely to be blind to any flaws in their beloved in the early stages of a romance. (More true in high school and undergrad) Life will be happy ever after (although the details of this happy ever after are usually not explored in depth). The romantic gesture and the idealization of the relationship are characteristic of the courting behaviors of the NF. The dream is sometimes preferred to reality. At times, the fantasy of the sexual encounter cannot survive the reality of consummation, especially for the male NF. (This is an interesting possibility, but I'm undecided as to whether or not it's true.)
Sex
It appears female NFs are more able to sustain the depth of romanticism involved with
a relationship longer than male NFs. Once the physical side of the relationship is
acted out, the male NF can lose interest and turn to another fantasy.
(This is not true for me.)In a Quixotic
way, he seems to be compelled to pursue the impossible dream of a larger than life,
giant-screen goddess who will be Madonna, mistress, lover, whore, mother, daughter,
and wife. (This is an amazing observation offered in
the article, and it is completely true. However, I think that a lot of men have this
dream of the woman that can be everything... it's not only INFJs, but the thought has
crossed my mind!)His real-life mate is not always able to measure up. The NF male, in hot
pursuit, is likely to express a love which is undying but which can vanish all too
soon in the harsh light of the morning after.
(Not true for me.) The female NF does not demonstrate
this characteristic; rather, she is likely to increase her dedication after the
physical relationship is consummated. She becomes more and more devoted, continuing
to romanticize the relationship and believe in its perfection, to give small transactions
profound significance, to dramatize the interactions with her mate, to be willing to die
for love. She seems seldom disappointed in the sexual act; orgasmic response on her
part is seen as inconsequential compared to the pleasure of giving pleasure to her
mate. What matters is that he is fulfilled and satisfied. For the male NF, ennui
can set in as a result of familiarity;(Hmmmm...no, not really)
for the female NF, this is not as likely
to happen. The SP can say, and mean, with Dorothy Parker, "I'll be true as
long as you, and not a moment after…," ; the female NF is more likely to have
as a part of her mating identity the image of falling love once and for a
lifetime. The fact that this does not always work out does not negate the
possibility of the dream coming true. Fortunately, both male and female NFs
have a capacity for deep affection and caring over and above sexual expression,
and out of this capacity can grow a lasting, satisfactory relationship.
(Exactly)
In the last decade or so a curious phenomenon has occurred, perhaps arising from the female NFs characteristic of maintaining her romantic dream even in the face of a contradictory reality. The group that spearheaded the sexual revolution were the female NFs. It has been the female NFs who have said NO to the double sexual (and other) standards. It has been the female NFs who have been most militant in demanding equal orgasmic rights. It has been the female NFs who have decided that they are not sure they will be true, even as long as their male partners. Somehow female NFs have decided that their vision of a better, more satisfactory mating relationship can be actualized. They seem willing, in ever growing numbers, to take whatever risks are necessary to find that relationship, either in or out of a legal contract. In fact, more and more the NF females seem reluctant to tie themselves down to a legal arrangement, putting off the urgings of their housemates, asking that both wait until she is sure she is doing the right thing. More and more NF females seem to be willing to bear their children outside a legal arrangement and to raise them alone. This is not to say that other types are not also involved in this movement, but it is the NFs, along with a limited number of NT females, who provide the vanguard of the revolution. Instead of being ready and willing to die for love, the current NF female seems to be willing to live for the possibility of a better way of relating to mates.(I could see how this observation is quite possibly valid.)
Interpersonal
Both male and female NFs are likely to be charming mates, and a source of continuing
warmth, support, and understanding. They are usually ready to lend sympathy to a mate
when the outside world turns hostile and are not apt to use that moment to point out
the errors of a mate's ways, something which other types might be tempted to do.
(Exactly correct-this is a strength of mine.)
The NFs are generally skilled socially, and people usually feel wanted and well-hosted
in their homes.
(This is probably true in my case as well, I hope.)
They often are experts in the arts of appreciation, especially in
the area of personal characteristics, and they are apt to be generous in expressing
these appreciations to their mate. It is probably the NF who is the most loving,
dedicated, affectionate, appreciative mate, and is unstinting in the expression
of these emotions, both to mate and to children.
(It is my sincere hope...) Their conversations, particularly
those of extraverted NFs, are apt to be sprinkled with terms of endearment,
especially in private. The NF can be as extravagant as an SP when expressing
love through the media of gifts, but the NF is more likely to present the gift
in private, and select with extraordinary care something with special or even
symbolic meaning.(Very true.)
NFs, both male and female, usually remember birthdays,
anniversaries, and the like without being prompted, or at most needing only
a hint. If, in turn, the NF's milestones are not heeded, they are deeply hurt,
as deeply as they are appreciative when theirs are noticed.
Although NFs, especially the male NF, become restless if others (including mates, children, or parents) are dependent, NFs have in their own personalities characteristics that promote this dependency. They pride themselves on being sensitive to others and caring about them. It is almost impossible for NFs to be unaware of others' psychological needs. Yet the NF becomes restless when these ties begin to bind, as they do when the amount of emotional input becomes a psychological overload for the NF. (This is exactly correct. I enjoy being an active assistant to anyone, but if you are not a close friend of mine and I begin feeling like you are on my shoulders, I will promptly throw you off my back. In other words, I'll help help and help until I feel like I'm just being used, and then the change in my attitude towards you is like night and day, at the expense of very little mental energy for me to make the change.) At this point the NF can seem cruel, insisting unexpectedly that the other "stand on his own two feet." This shift in attitude is usually abrupt and the person who heretofore believed that he was very special in the eyes of the NF now finds himself apparently rejected. The NF does not mean to be unkind; he or she is simply disconnecting a relationship which can no longer be handled - in spite of the reality that the NF created this dependent relationship through expressions of empathy and unique understanding. (This is all exactly correct. In reflecting on my personality and personal situation over the past years, I have come to the realization that one of the greatest things about being introverted is that there is a deep feeling inside myself ingrained in my personality which holds that I can rely on myself... it isn't necessary to the critical operations of my psyche that I be constantly around other people. I can draw energy from within myself. I carry this idea around with me in everyday life, and use respect as a barometer to measure how much of myself I should or should not share with another person. Note the difference here between my workplace necessities and my necessities from the social world: In the workplace, I cannot handle criticism. Socially, however, I could care less what you or the next person thinks, if it is disrespectful of my self. In this way, I am able to easily part with friends and easily make new ones, all the while maintaining inseparable relationships with those elite few that can put it all together - personal engagement, positive attitude, intelligence, desire for fellowship - and understand what I'm all about.) Building empathic relationships is second nature to this temperament, a master of the art of intimacy. But as those around the NF want more and more attention, more and more expressions of this unusual appreciation, more and more signals of deep affection, the NF mate becomes restless and resentful of pressures to deliver what had seemed promised: the ideal love, the perfect friendship, complete understanding, and total acceptance. (Yes, exactly. This is why if I address you as brother or sister, you can give yourself a pat on the back, because you are a low-enough issues person that I believe I can learn as much from you as you can from me.)
The NF is vulnerable to this kind of misunderstanding because of his extraordinary capabilities to introject. He can take into himself the point of view, the emotions, and the psychological state of another so completely that the other feels totally received. The other person may not realize that the NF does this in most relationships, and may be hurt on discovering that he is not valued as uniquely as he first thought. When the NF leaves each person, the NF no longer resonates to that person, but relates to the person now present. (This is exactly correct for me for the most part. Most of my closest friends have healthy self esteems, so this is normally not a big issue.) Understandably, this can cause some difficulty in the mating relationship for mates who want this characteristic to be exercised more exclusively; the NF may not know how not to respond to the emotional demands of others.
Social
A danger an NF faces in his intimate relationships is that he will move from relationship
to relationship rather than making the necessary effort to develop those already existing.
(Nope, I've never had this problem.)
The NF's tendency to experience anticipation as more attractive than consummation can
cause him to use his energies pursuing the dream at the expense of what is actually
available. Once an NF believes that he or she knows all there is to know about
another, disinterest sets in; restlessness and a sense of boredom develop.
(I'm skeptical of this notion. I believe relationships are
all about being decisive about who you are going to be friends with and who you
are going to marry.) NFs, as
do other types, want a certain amount of variety and change in their lives.
(Yes!) Other
types, however, may seek this through intellectual pursuits, adjustment of living
routines, vacations, new activities.(Yes, note my extensively
varied list of goals and travel plans
on this website.) The NF is most vulnerable to seeking this
through searching out new relationships, more often than not at the expense of
deepening those already existing.(My problem is I often
don't know how to deepen the ones I already have, but so far this hasn't been a major
problem for me anyway.)
A quality an NF can bring to intimate relationships is an extraordinary sensitivity and ability to communicate emotionally. In the affective areas the NF is without equal. No other type is as sympathic to others as is the NF. As mates they can be a source of warmth, appreciation, and support which other types have difficulty emulating. (This is exactly correct.)
Domestic
After the honeymoon is over, the mate of an NF can feel let down when the reality of
living with the NF may be in some contrast with what was anticipated. The discovery
by the mate that the NF is, after all, less than perfect often results in feelings of
resentment ill-deserved by the NF, but nonetheless real. NF mates themselves are
in a dilemma. They are caught up in the romanticized expectations of the psychological
and sexual experience generated in their own perceptions and encouraged by others.
The fantasy is more than likely to be exaggerated by both the NF and the mate,
and it is a common experience for NFs to express that anticipation was more
delightful than consummation.
(Isn't this true for other personality types though? Remember INFJ is only one kind of
NF... there are three others.) The actual sexual act, in particular, can be
less than anticipated, for, more often than not, the NF's romantic nature will
not allow him or her to acquire sexual expertise through study.
(
Ha ha ha, yeah right.) Rather they
see themselves as somehow supposed to know the appropriate loving and tender
approach intuitively. (Not for me so much.)
Consulting scientific studies is seen as cold and objective
and somehow destructive. (Or remarkably encouraging, such
as a statistic I read in a scientific study that said that 67 percent of couples over
the age of 70 reported they still had sexual intercourse.) Thus, the actual sexual
relationship may be a letdown initially and a disappointment to both partners until
both acquire the necessary competency. (I don't understand
this statement completely, but I guess it could be potentially true.)
Although NFs are almost hypersensitive to the moods of their mates, especially if they are also introverts, they may not always be willing to deal positively with the other's emotional reaction. NFs report that they find their own emotional circuits often so overloaded with their own concerns that they cannot deal with the emotional experiences of others who are especially close to them, particularly when experiences involve conflict and hurt. Thus, the mates of NFs can sees their mates responding to relative strangers with a degree of warmth and acceptance that may not be available to them. (Hmmmm.. I haven't had this happen in my past relationships... I prefer to resolve any issue with my mate up front and directly, so that we can have good emotional interaction as much as possible.)
As parents, NFs are sensitive to the viewpoint of their children, sometimes to the point of siding with them in a way which reinforces the youngster's antisocial, self-defeating behaviors. An NF parent, for example, can rush to rescue a child from the consequences of his wrongdoing and, in the process, not permit the child to develop necessary skills which he needs to deal with the realities of a less protective world. (But after reading this article, I'll be on the lookout for a tendency in myself to do this.)
NF mates may have difficulty detaching themselves from their jobs or social demands in order to preserve time for family. In this the NF is like the SP. They have some difficulty saying no to attractive offers and thus may neglect priorities. (True!) Whoever is there and demanding time gets it, even though others may be waiting elsewhere. (Very true.)
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