Onigiriman's Living

This is a collection of random weblogs written by Onigiriman reflecting his opinions and personality, his likes and dislikes. Any and all comments are welcome. All material is copyrighted. Reproduction without the express written permission of the author is prohibited.

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Onigiriman's Living: Life, Family and Relationships

Friday, December 12, 2003

Life and aging 3... 
Listening to: "Big Yellow Taxi" (the original) by Joni Mitchell.

Here's the coninuation of yesterdays questions:

1) What's life like at your age?
See 12/8 post.

2) Has your perception of life changed?
See yesterday, 12/9

3) Whats important to you now?
Hmmm... What's important now? There are too basic answers: One is simple, the other is deep, honest. Lets start with simple: The most important thing to me now is my immediate "family"--my wife, stepson, daughter, dad, sister, brother, friends. Sounds corny, doesn't it? But I have learned that as a human being--I like to think of myself as rather average, normal--the degree of importance has a great deal with the ratio between physical distance and the number of individuals involved. When I was 18 and went to Japan for the first time, I had no friends over there, just unfamiliar relatives. As a result, those most important to me were people who were very far away, mom, dad, siblings and close friends from HS. However, as my circle of friends increased, the "formula" for determining the degree of importance changed.

For example, while my brother is and always has been important to me, I rarely see him or talk to him except when I'm in LA, and I now find some friends more "important" than him. Don't get me wrong. I would jump on the first plane to LA if I thought he needed me, but under normal circumstances I think of my friends before I think of him. At this very moment, the most important thing is my immediate family--wife and stepson. Next would be my sister. Then dad, and then a few of my UCLA buddies, and of course my students. This hierarchy of importance is based on emotional attachment, but if I consider how much time and effort I expend, then the top spots would be occupied by my wife, my students, my stepson, my sister. This has to do with physical closeness: I'm with my students all the time. However, the emotional investment is rather lower for a variety of reasons: who among you have thought about being close to or hanging with your professor? Very few I would wager, which is understandable, given the age difference and the divergence of interests. Indeed, virtually every student who has come my way has more or less disappeared after they graduated. I must point out that the last class, 2003, has been in touch more than others, and a couple even liked to "hang" when they were students and now--to an extent; this pleased me more than they probably know, hehehe. I love to know what they are doing. But this is mostly due to this Xanga thing--Aha! A tangible reason for Xanging. In any event, most students don't keep in touch until that moment when they want a letter of rec. Well, that's okay too. It is nice to think that they still look to me for something. And I am always happy to accomodate them. There are, however, 3-4 (out of huncreds) who keep in touch, and for them I have a lot of appreciation.

But, of course, this is no a competition. And I didn't mean to go off on a tangent like that about my students. Although they are an important part of my life, which means, I suppose, I consider my job/career important. Hmm... this is not what I wanted to say...

No wait, it IS what I wanted to say. Because this has to do with the deep, honest answer. If you're reading this far (and please tell me), you should know that ultimately the most important thing is myself. I know, it sounds very selfish and self-serving. And you're righrt, it is! But I feel that I need to have an appreciation for myself, a sense of importance in order to--are you ready?--help others. Yes. I get off helping others. And I think all of us should continue to develop a similar attitutde. It is two way street, a world in which nothing is stable; everything is in flux, affecting each other constantly. (I talk about this ad nauseum in my Lit. class.) Does this make sense? I feel good about me, so that allows me to feel confident in helping my students--study, advice about the future, etc--they show me their appreciation, which fuels my good feeling about myself, and allows me to feel confident in talking with others about problems, maybe those who are not my students--like some on Xanga? And the cycle continues and expands. So feeling good about oneself, feeling confident, considering yourself an important component of your own life is not a bad thing; indeed, I think it is an essential component in growing and ultimately expanding into society and helping others as yourself...

Hmm... the second answer sounds just as hokey as the first one..Hah!

Anyway, thanks to those who have responded and showed some sort of interest in what I have to say. What do you guys think? Are you important to yourself? Or do you feel sorry for yourself? Do you feel the victim? Well, we all feel that way at times, but don't let it consume you. It will pass in time. Feel good about yourself, and tell those who make you feel bad to screw themselves. Feeling good about yourself will lead to better things... Trust me... or not, hahahaha.

Let's see. If you've read this far, then you must be bored, so here are a couple of sites to bore you even more:
Snowglobe: Put the cursor of the golbe and give it a shake.
Wrath of God: Play God and strike down the Aliens and cows? It's pretty sick...

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Life and aging 2... 
Here's the continuation of yesterdays questions:

1) What's life like at your age?
See yesterday's post.

2) Has your perception of life changed?
Yes, my perception has changed to a high degree. Of course, this should be true of almost everyone. And it has nothing to do with getting older. As we live our lives, and experience more things, we change. Everything that enters our lives--love, hate, happiness, sadness, birth, death, new school, old friends--affects us, changes us and we are influenced and in turn influence those around us. Perhaps understanding this basic--almost too obvious--situation is the most important thing I have learned to this point. As a result, I now have a tendency to either think things through very carefully since I know what I say or do will affect others, or I will throw caution to the wind and say what I want--but in the knowledge that it may affect others positively or negatively.

There is a major drawback to this. When I get drunk--like, all the time--I'll say things without thinking about it. Now, we have perhaps all experienced something similar--whether it be drug or alcohol induced. Unfortunately, since I have know that what I said may affect others, when I sober up, I sometimes go through an incredibly horrendous guilt trip... no, more like a journey sometimes. Have you ever felt bad enough to want to crawl into a little hole? I sometimes will stand in the shower and cringe in the corner, lightly knocking my head against the wall, muttering alternately, "Why did I say that?" and "I'll never drink again." Hah! We all know how long that lasts...

Anyway, my perception of life has changed. For me, I take things much more lightly. I don't make such a big deal over anything anymore, because things change so often and frequently that getting into a huff about anything becomes pointless after awhile. Lakers don't reach the championship series? So what. They'll reach it again soon. Bruins get their butts kicked by SC? Crap, this is definitely harrd to take, but got a roll with the punches. Besides there are far more important issues than sports. The death of my mom a couple of years ago really made me realize that some of the things I placed emphasis on--money, career--are ephemeral. Can't take it with you, and they are the least important things when you know you're going to die. It was an eye opener.

Hope you're taking notes, whoever you are...

3) Whats important to you now?
Day after tomorrow...

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Life and aging... 
A reader sent me an e-mail asking me some pretty heavy questions. I considered writing back but instead decided to post it here: She asked three questions:

1) What's life like at your age?
This is a very subjective question, regardless of how general it sounds. Life at my age is different for everyone. But for me, it is both satisfying and frustrating. It is satisfying because I have been able to do what I have always wanted to do. I went to high school and performed poorly--I couldn't even get into a third tier university with my grades. But was able to pull myself together and ultimately went to college, grad school and finally a Ph.D. I developed a love for Japan and Japanese and was lucky enough to live in Japan for almost seven years during the 90s--All told, I have been in Japan about ten years including extended visits and study abroad. I got a job in a profession I wanted, and given the competitiveness of the field, I was lucky to get it on my first try. I have been lucky to work with great colleagues and the kids I teach--especially the majors--have been a Godsend: They study hard, don't bitch too much, and remain--for the most part--successful after graduating. I'm currently married and own a modest but comfortable home and, of course, cable Internet and sattelite TV. Haha...

There are and have been, of course, many frustrating aspects of my life. But these have mostly been self-inflicted, so please don't think that I am trying to blame anyone else. Since I was a goof off for many years before returning to college with a serious attitude, I fell far behind the "success curve" that many of my friends were following. They had cars, houses, money, something that I too wanted to enjoy but did not have the job, money, or career to accomplish what they did. Of course, I have been told by more than a couple of old friends that they envy my path, that they would rather have taken life at a slower pace, making career choices that please the soul rather than the pocket book. I will tell them that I am pleased, that I am doing exactly what I want to do. But my life is certainly simpler than theirs. I have no stock portfolio, I don't vacation in Europe, I can't lavish my wife with jewelry or fancy dinners, I don't own two cars--damn, the car I have, I inherited. So I do tell them I often wonder what it would have been had I been a glob (Good little Oriental boy; read NLUTE on the JA Journal for more... what a plug!). As a glob, I would have studied hard in HS, gone straight to college and started working right away or right after grad school, like most of my classmates. But I had to take my own path; to some it seems the harder path, but to me it was the easier path as I have been able to do what I wanted.

There have been other frustrating events: divorce, living away from my daughter, and of course the current circumstances at work. These porblems are self-inflicted as I stated and so cannot bitch about them too loudly... just loud enough.

So now that I'm here, two years shy of the half century mark, I have to say that life is fine for me at my age. I have a job that I love, a mortgage, a family, household responsibilities (electricity, water, phone, shoveling snow!). I am satisfied with what I have done and what I have accomplished. And in fact I still have things to look forward to. Maybe someday publishing the book that is keeping me from getting promoted at work, or becoming a chef... That would be fun, too.

2) Has your perception of life changed?
Tomorrow, time permiting...

3) Whats important to you now?
Day after tomorrow...

Monday, December 08, 2003

My Addictions...
There are, I suppose, different levels of addictions. A recent hardcore addiction is Xanga, "the weblog community". I can't go a day without writing an entry, editing, reading other peoples blogs. It is kinda scary these days. Another hardcore addiction would be chips: potato chips, corn chips, Fritos. ANYTHING. Its bad. With all the carbohydrates I put into my body, I'll probably get type 2 diabetes before I turn 50... wait, that's only two years (and one week) a away! I also like fruit flavored chewy candy and was in love wth Skittles for awhile, but my new fling is chewy Spree. Oh yeah, and lest I forget, beer...

Previously, I was a hardcore Marlboro Red, two-packs a day smoker. I started at 14 and continued for the next 30 years. I must have black lungs. At around 34, I cut down my cigaretters by eliminating the "circumstantial" smokes, the ones that I smoked without thinking: coffee-smoke, driving-smoke, after meal-smoke, waiting for someone-smoke. I let myself smoke only when I craved the nicotine, and cut down to about 4 a day, but since it was to feed a craving, I just couldn't quit. I craved the nicotine and I continued smoking for 10 years...

But I finally quit when I remarried and have been smokeless for 3 years. So I suppose there is hope for me with this Xanga thing...

Sunday, November 02, 2003

: Growing Older : 
But I recall thinking of growing older. As you may--or may not--know, I am fast approaching the half century mark, the big five-oh. So here--with a nod to Paiky who made his own list--are some of the bad and good you guys can look forward to

Oh yeah, I was thinking of moving the the JAJournal here at RBJ. Not that it matters I guess. I've been spending some time on their forum. We'll see how long it lasts. Maybe you'll join me.

 vs.
Football Saturday
Bruins sucked wind!!!! No offence. Matt Moore the QB gets sacked 8 times, to a team that only had 11 sacks in the previous 7 games! WTF is going one?!? Grrrrrrrrr. I'm in a bad mood. I think I need a beer or two or 17.... Will someone drive me home? No wait, I'm already home, Forget it. Grrrrr....

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

On Getting Married
I posted a comment on ekka's page a few days ago that got me thinking about how I chose a marriage partner. Once, about 10 year ago during my previous marriage, a school bud asked me what I thought was important in choosing a girl, and I gave him a list of "priorities".

  1. Intelligent. This meant a person with an advanced degree, at least a masters degree.
  2. Balanced face. I don't get into discussions about big or small eyes, or long or round faces, high or no cheek bones. It is a matter of balance. The preference among many is big eyes with double eyelids--which explains the popularity of Halfs--but I have met many girls with single eyelids who are sexy as all getout, and girls with big eyes that I wouldn't even ask the time of day. I've come to realize that its not the individual parts but the balance of all the parts. Sound stupid? Yeah, I know. But I Knew a lot of guys who focused on one part of the face. There was a time in Japan when men went crazy for Yaeba, one canine tooth that was no inline with the rest of the teeth. Many guys I knew swore by this, What was up with that?!? There is one thing that I insist on, however: full lips.
  3. Bilingual, Japanese/English.
  4. Bi-cultural, American and whatever other culture. I insist on American because I am American. But another culture is necessary to understand the differences between between all people.
  5. A good cook. Duh.
  6. Must enjoy nooky.

My ex-wife fit these criteria to a tee. She has a PhD from UCLA. She's a Half--Japanese/German--good face, full lips, and even taller than me. She's bilingual and bicultural. She's a decent cook. And she liked sex, but only as a means to procreate--not to have fun. So except for #6, she seemed to be perfect, but still we got divorced. And I think its because we were too "analytical". We both had certain expectations in a partner that could be catelogued and prioritized. And we approached life in this fashion, as well. Everything was done for a reason, everything we did had to make economic, social, cultural, and academic sense. I think she was happy with this, but for me, life became too predictable and rigid.

We lived in Japan where she was an assistant prof. at Hitotsubashi--not a shabby place--a job, I should mention, she got through my connections: yes, koné (connections) is really important still. Anyone who tries to convince you Japan is an egalitarian, meritorious system is full of it. Anyway, when I got my Ph.D. and decided to return to the US, she refused to return with me; she wanted to pursue her career in Japan and have our daughter continue her education in Japan. Hitotsubashi is a prestigious national school ranked 3rd in Japan. It didn't make sense to her to quit it for a job I got at a middle first-tier university?  (The school is, solid in many areas but it is not a Harvard or a Stanford or a Michigan or a Berkeley...) And "practically" speaking, she was right: it did not make economic or academic sense in terms of HER career. And the education our daughter was receiving was good as well. And Japan is a far safer environment than the US. Can you say, Columbine?

Anyway, what was missing from the equation is a sense of passion. My first marriage--for both parties, I think--was calculated, whether it be what we expected from each other or how we lived our lives and planned our future. For her, living apart was not a big deal; it made sense in many different ways.  But I began to question the type of relationship we had and we ultimately divorced, as she wanted to pursue her career. You may ask why I didn't decide to stay in Japan. Well, I earned a Ph.D. in Jap. Lit., and there was not school that would hire me, an American, to teach Jap lit. to Japanese. Indeed, I tried; I applied to two different jobs, but it was always, "no sankyu". And my ex-wife was an anthropologist in Southeast Asian, but her main responsibility was as an international student advisor. So she wasn't really working in a job that she had studied for. I guess taking the path she set out for herself was not so important, but it was for me. I had the opportunity to do what I had trained for. Should I have turned it down? I said, "No". And she said, "Be my guest." So I went.

But that was then. I had to re-evaluate how I saw relationships. Should I continue to be calculating? Should I adhere to the priorities and standards that I thought were so important in a relationship? Well, Musubi-chan answered that question for me. We were friends and we were out drinking with friends one night in Fuchű. As we were walking back to the train station to go home, she slipped her hand into mine and bang! Electricity! I know, it sounds so corny. But its true. I never thought this could be. I have read in novels about "true love", about how you get this electric feeling and how you just know that this is the right person. I was a skeptic--"baloney" I'd say--for most of my life. But I am now a believer. I tell this to my friends, and all they can say, sarcastically, is ???? (gochisou-sama: lit. thanks for the feast)

It took me 40 years to find the right girl, but I found her in Musubi-chan. Is everything bliss? No. We have differences of opinions and argue, but who wouldn't? I mean, we had 40 years to develop our own personalities. Do we have a perfect relationship? Yes, but I can't explain it. She doesn't fit all the criteria I had set out above. She dropped out of college, she is neither bilingual nor bicultural. And, not to brag, but I think I'm a better cook, although I should let my kids weigh in on that one, since they've actually eaten what I've made.... Anyway, Musubi-chan doesn't fit all of my previous criteria--but I think we have a passion for each other that transcends mundane--albeit important--issues such as money and career.

The point is, however, finding a mate is not an exact science, at least any science that is currently found in a textbook. It is about the feeling and the passion. Musubi-chan quit her job as a successful and popular aerobics instructor to be with me in the US. She gave it up, not because it made sense, but because of her passion--I'm embarassed to say--for me... I guess, I'm pretty lucky.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Masumi ちゃん just said my shades and mask make me look like a 暴走族 (bōsōzoku)!!! Those punk motorcycle gangs...
AARgh! And she laughed....

: Ragweed : I Hate Allergies!!!! Right when I thought my late spring/early summer allergies had disappeared, I find my self sniffling and rubbing my eyes. Stupid ragweeds are in season from mid-August! Man, my body is like an allergy clock: Pollen enters the air and sets off my allergy alarm! Last night, I drugged myself with Benadryl. 2 tablets and I'm out like a light, with a solid 8 hours of sleep. Lovely! But in the light of day, I'm gonna have to revert ot my old disguise to fool the pollen. Ugh, sniffle, kusame!

Sunday, July 20, 2003

Ah... The Pleasures of Home Ownership
This is turning into a bad weekend... a really bad weekend. I thought I had fixed the leak in the shower stall and sealed the crack, but now its worse! Water is leaking through the ceiling now... I have fixed other leaks, but this is obviously way over my head... Need to get a plumber. Anyone know a reliable/trustworthy one in NoVa.? I really don't feel like cutting the bushes now (rf: below).