TYPES OF ADULT CHILDREN Most books published on the subject of Adult Children agree that certain personality types are common in dysfunctional families. Some of the books call the types by different names and not all of the types are found in every book. Some of the personality types are: FAMILY HERO - An achiever, usually (but not always) the oldest child. Often a workaholic who can identify other's needs and meet them, but is without an understanding of their own needs. This is often a child who uses their success to find a sense of belonging- the one who shows the family is "all right," but who is unable to feel the benefit of his/her achievements. They feel like a fraud and are subject to depressions which they hide from those around them. THE RESCUER - Similar to the Family Hero, but without the visible success. The Rescuer finds those in need, lets them move in or marries them or finds a job for them while supplying other needs and is very understanding of the frequent betrayals. The rescuer has a deep seated self-hate that drives them to their role as a savior. They "know" that anyone not already at the bottom of the barrel would have nothing to do with them. They tend to feel inadequate in their giving and unable to accept help for their own needs. THE MASCOT - Often a younger child who uses humor or other distracting behavior, such as being exceptional clumsy or always in trouble, to take the focus of the family away from the problems of the family dysfunction. If the parent is violently drunk, the Mascot may take the abuse to "save" the rest of the family, or may be able to crack a joke at the necessary moment to take everyone's mind off the pain of their reality. THE ADJUSTER - The one who is never bothered by what is happening; there is no reason to be excited because everyone had to lie with family problems. The child never becomes too attached to goal or a desire because they have learned to change their direction at any moment. They float, knowing something is wrong but coping, often successfully, with one chaotic situation after another by surrendering their identity to the needs of the moment. THE DOORMAT - The abused child who survives by lying down and letting others walk all over him/her, rather than risk an unpleasant or dangerous confrontation. This child is very understanding of the need someone else may have to injure him/her, but cannot identify his/her feelings about the abuse in the past or present. THE ACTING OUT CHILD or THE REBEL - This child is in action at the slightest provocation, whether as an heroic action to prevent abuse to someone else (by distracting the abuser) or to protect himself/herself with wildness. This is the child who is most visible to the outside world and who may adopt alcoholism, drug addiction or other compulsive behavior early in defiance of the family system. THE SCAPEGOAT or FAMILY JERK - This child takes the blame and shame for the actions of other family members by being the most visibly dysfunctional. This child serves the family by being sick or crazy to allow the other members of the family to ignore their own dysfunction. This is also the child who holds the family together- the family rallies to help the family jerk. He/She learns to remain dysfunctional to continue receiving the little attention available in a dysfunctional home. THE BULLY - This child is usually the victim of physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse, who successfully makes the mental transition to stop being the victim by victimizing others. Often the Bully is genuinely remorseful for the pain and suffering caused to others, but will continue inflicting that abuse rather than face his/her own pain. THE LOST CHILD - Often a younger (or the youngest) child, this personality type has learned to stay out of the way, not make his/her wants known and to expect nothing. They avoid feeling by denying that they have feelings. They adopt whatever behavior will allow them to stay invisible within the family, at work, at school or in a relationship. This is the child who can assume whatever personality those around him/her find least threatening. THE LAST HOPE - Similar to the Lost Child, the Last Hope is the caretaker for the family when all other members have become unable to continue their roles. Often the Last Child is raised on comments like "You'll never hurt me like so-and-so." These children may work themselves to death trying to do "what's right" for blood relations or adopted families, no matter what the expense to their own life. Each of the personality types has special needs in Recovery, and each type can recover if they are willing to take the risk in believing they can change and heal. Because the personalities of the family are mangled, the character traits of the children can be equally blurred. An Adult Child may have several of the above characteristics at one time, or may play a different role within the family at different ages or depending on who they are responding to. THE INNER CHILD One very successful form of Recovery for Adult Children involves acknowledging the existence of an Inner Child. The child who was small, lost and without hope never really went away, but "froze" to protect the special seed all children carry. Recovering Adult Children can find that Inner Child and resume the process of nurturing to allow him/her to complete the job of growing into a healthy Adult. By viewing the damaged part of ourselves as the Inner Child, we create a model of Recovery based on healing a lost, frightened and lonely child, at whatever age (or ages) he/she froze in favor of simple survival. We can then use the model to nurture that Inner Child with the love and support he/she needs to complete the job of growing into a happy, functional, loving Adult. In dealing with the Inner Child it is important to know that this part of you will respond as a child. This does not necessarily mean tantrums but means that we re-experience our feelings the way a child feels. A child does not understand time and each feeling fills up the whole universe and is eternal. If it is a bad feeling, the Child will feel that we are going to feel bad forever. If it is good, it is supposed to be good forever. A child's sense of fear fills that child's universe and to experience as a grown person can be upsetting. To understand the fear, try to remember that the Child froze when grow-ups were many times his/her size. For you to know that fear would be the same as going home to find an angry eighteen foot tall giant waiting for you and never knowing if it was going to attack! The Child within will probably be afraid of the Adult you have become -- every Adult he/she knew before freezing was hurtful or would betray them. You will have to earn the respect of your Inner Child That respect is earned by actually taking the actions that are good for you, and that respect is actually the beginning of self-respect. The Inner Child had a job to do, and he/she has done it well. The did what was necessary for you to survive. One of those jobs was to hold memories that you would not be able to handle. When you approach the Inner Child, you will usually find that memories will return. There may be times the memories return in a flood, but this is usually a tactic to overwhelm you with the sheer number of memories, which serves to prevent you from looking at any one of them. You may not even handle the memories perfectly, but in Recovery you do have the permission to be imperfect. You do the best you can do and, slowly, learn to reparent yourself. COMPULSIONS and CO-DEPENDENCY As they work through the personal process of Recovery, the Adult Child will face their own issues. The most visible will probably be those tied to the family and the behavior that was available to learn. You may find you have learned compulsions from one or both parents. If your parents drank or used substances to numb themselves, you have a greater chance of becoming an alcoholic or addict, or you may transfer the compulsive behavior into another area -- food, gambling, house cleaning, taking up lost causes (or people), etc. You may find your have co-dependent problems. You may find you have chosen "friends" that only call you when they are in trouble, but are never available to you when you are in need. You may have surrounded yourself by people who have come to expect an unending stream of support for their behavior, particularly when they cannot find anyone else to provide that support. You may feel unable to uncover your own needs, or feel who you are outside the roles placed on you by other people. WHAT ABOUT THERAPY? Many Counselors, Therapists and Psychologists have been valuable to many Adult Children in the process of Recovery. Almost all of the books published on the subject of Adult Children were written by mental health professionals. Finding a therapist presents a few problems, but problems that can usually be overcome. Adult Children often learned to deny or simply not understand their own needs. This makes it difficult to recognize or admit that they need help. As the "one who helps others" one will find a large concentration of Adult Children in the "helping" professions- psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, medical professionals, teachers, police, military, fire departments and clergy. Trust is a central issue for Adult Children. Trusting the therapist who is going to assist you in facing your oldest fears and discovering your humanity requires faith. It can be very helpful to have a therapist who has identified and successfully dealt with their own Adult Child issues. This type of therapist can have a special value as you progress through Recovery. LINKS: Orange County ACA Home Page The new ACA Blog site Read posts and post your own messages Common Characteristics Does this sound like you? The Problem This is a description, not an indictment The Solution The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation 12 Steps The pathway to change The 12 Traditions ACA policies and guidelines Other ACA Meetings Links to Online Recovery Resources, Information, Message Boards, Chat Rooms. The Serenity Prayer "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."