TWO RELATED NEWS STORIES AND A SOLUTION

Story 1

The Ninth Nazi Court of Appeals today ruled that Arizona's law requiring parental consent before a child can have an abortion has been ruled unconstitutional.

The Presiding Judge, Adolf Hitler, stated: "The Arizona law is in violation of the United States Constitution for some reason that we'll make up to suit our purposes."

When asked whether this ruling apparently conflicts with recent Clinton requests for parents to take more responsibility and control over their lives, especially in the wake of the shootings in Littleton, Mr. Hitler replied, "You honestly believe Mr. Clinton means what he says? Heck, he's been lying to the people for six years - you can't believe anything he says! Besides, all the guns should be taken off the streets anyways. It worked in Germany in the 1930s and 1940s, as you well remember."

When informed that the official ruling did not specifically state what part of the Arizona law is in conflict with what particular part of the United States Constitution, Judge Hitler responded, "So what? We've never done that before. Besides, killing innocent human beings is what the Third Reich - er, I mean, the Liberal Agenda - is all about."

Hermann Goerring was unavailable for comment.

Story 2

The Motion Picture Industry, in order to head off new Federal Government regulations regarding violence and children (somehow excluding the most horrific case of violence and children, specifically a child violently being sucked out of his or her mother's guts and being ground up and flushed down the bog), has decided that they will check identification cards and will not allow anyone under the age of 18 to attend an R-rated movie without parental notification.

The Solution

If any movie theatre wants to show R-rated (or even X-rated) movies to people who (in order to see a movie, drive a car, get a tattoo, or get married, but not to kill their own child) need parental consent, here is the solution:

1) Declare yourself to be an abortion clinic, rather than a movie theatre.
2) Allow anyone to pay a scheduling fee (maybe $7 - how does that sound?) to schedule an abortion for the next day at an unspecified time - this fee must be nonrefundable in the event of no actual abortion ever taking place.
3) In order to prevent any claims of sexual discrimination, allow boys as well as girls to schedule an abortion (who cares that boys can't get pregnant - heck, if the Court of Appeals can rule a law unconstitutional without even referencing the Constitution, boys can schedule abortions for themselves - it's not a big stretch).
4) Make it perfectly clear that at the beginning of the day, any abortions scheduled for that day will automatically be rescheduled for the next day (this prevents you from ever having to perform an abortion, unless you're a Liberal or other form of maggot, in which case I guess it's okay).
5) Give everyone who schedules an abortion for the next day a ticket that entitles them to sit in "our specially designed waiting rooms" for the duration of one film, valid only on the day before the INITIAL scheduling of the abortion (i.e., the day on which the abortion is scheduled).
6) Since most people getting ready for any surgical procedure may need to eat and drink to build up their strength, you are strongly encouraged to have such nourishment as popcorn (DON'T USE COCONUT OIL!), candy, and soda pop available for your "patients" (at a price, of course).

Since you are now an abortion clinic rather than a movie theatre, you do not need to get any parental consent for anyone to attend your place of business, and if you just happen to be showing an R-rated (or X-rated) movie in your "waiting room", you won't be bound by the MPA's self-imposed rules or any eventual Federal regulation, since they only pertain to movie theatres.

See? There's a way around every rule!

(And with the present Perpetrator-In-Chief setting such a good example, that's the kind of lesson we want to teach all of our kids!)