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Humor

On this page, there are a few items which you may find enjoyable.

Here's your chance to find out how much you know about Pinewood Derby. Test your expertise by taking this demanding and exhaustive quiz!

A Scout's primary goal in Pinewood Derby should be to:

Work together with a parent on a joint project
Acquire a healthy attitude about competition and sportsmanship
Become more proficient at woodworking
Survive the experience with all ten fingers

The fastest Pinewood Derby cars:

Weigh exactly five ounces
Have polished wheels and axles
Are well lubricated
Are powered by miniature nuclear reactors which can be purchased for under $500,000 at most nuclear supply and hobby shops

When a Scout asks a parent for help getting started on his Pinewood Derby car, the parent is most likely to say:

"Sure, son. Let's go have some fun working together!"
"Sorry, son. I'm busy working on my car for the Adult races."
"What's the big hurry, son? The race isn't till this afternoon."
"I can't believe it, son! The Jets just ran a draw play on third and seventeen!"

A good racing format:

Allows everyone to race as much as possible
Awards trophies to the fastest cars as accurately as possible
Keeps everyone involved in the racing during most of the competition
Gets the kids so worn out that they go straight to bed when they get home

An excited boy comes home and says, "Dad! I won the Pack Pinewood Derby!". Dad is most likely to reply:

"Son, that's great! Fantastic job!"
"Son, that's fantastic! Great job!"
"You da man!!!"
"I can't believe it, son! The Jets just ran a draw play on third and seventeen!"

A Pinewood Derby workshop is good for:

Showing Pinewood Derby newbies how to construct a car
Sharing tools and comraderie with other builders
Using the Pack's scale and sizing box to get your car within specs
Spying on the competition to see what they're up to!

A car that wins the Pack Derby will often:

Be treasured for many years by the youngster who built it
Be treasured for many years by the parent who spent so many hours working on it after his son had gone to bed
Be scrutinized carefully by the builders of the cars that lost to it
Show up at next year's Derby, but with a new paint job so that no one will recognize it

An unhappy boy informs his mother that he has dropped his Pinewood Derby car on the floor and that two of the wheels came off. The mother is most likely to reply:

"Don't worry. We'll fix it up in no time."
"Well, they'll just have to postpone the races until after your father returns from his business trip!"
"Won't it run okay on just two wheels?"
"I can't believe it! Julia Childs just used unsifted flour in her cheese souffle!"

A Pinewood Derby organizer's primary job is to:

Make sure that everything is well organized and smoothly run
Make sure that everyone has a good time
Make sure that the parents feel that the races have been run fairly
Make sure you get home in time to watch "E.R."!

The best attitude for a youngster during a Pinewood Derby is:

"I just want to have a good time at the Pinewood Derby."
"Gosh, I hope I don't embarass myself."
"I don't care who wins, as long as it's me."
"Pinewood - Shminewood! Where's the donuts?"

Last summer, I wrote my college physics professor asking for some Pinewood Derby car design advice. This is the reply he sent:
cory,

to build a fast pinewood car, you should
ignore most of the usual advice.  do not
sand the wheels of your car.  it will     
make your car pull to one side, not    
help it roll in a straight line
as desired.

wheel alignment is one of the best ways to  
waste a lot of your time.  it certainly won't
improve performance.  i have lots of 
test data which proves this.  There's also  
evidence that lubrication will 
collect on the axles and clog them, not
increase speed by decreasing friction
as most people claim.  don't lubricate!
 
axle treatment and aerodynamics are 
much too highly regarded.  they're just not 
very important.  your car should weigh     
anywhere between one ounce and
five ounces. back-weighting your car can
be disastrous.  it certainly does not  
provide additional potential energy 
as is commonly thought.  front-weight your car
for greater speed.

dr. frey

p.s.  as i wrote the above at my son's pack
meeting, a rival den leader was spying over 
my shoulder.  he's gone now.  read only the 
*odd* numbered lines in each paragraph!
Mikey at the Lube

It looked extremely rocky for Mike's Pinewood car that day.
The car did not look speedy as it ran its opening race.
And as Mike sat and sadly watched his car lose in a rout,
A pallor wreathed the features of this young and trusty scout.

His folks almost got up to go, they'd given up all hope.
"But no," they thought, "We can't quit now. Our son is not a dope."
They thought if only Mike would think to lubricate his wheels...
They'd put up even money, then, that he could beat the field.

But Mikey's Dad, you see, his brain was often on vacation.
He'd neglected to discuss with Mike the need for lubrication.
So for Mike's parents hope of Pinewood glory seemed afar,
For there was little chance of Mikey lubing up his car.

When suddenly young Mikey sprinted fast along the floor.
He crashed into the donut stand, he bounced into a door.
He caromed toward a window, and rebounded across the room.
And now Mikey, clever Mikey, was advancing toward the "lube".

There was ease in Mikey's manner as he lubed his car with grace,
There was pride in Mikey's bearing, a smile on Mikey's face.
And as he took his dirty hands and wiped them on his pants,
Dad said to Mom, "Can you clean those?" And Mom replied, "Fat chance!"

Then from Mike's gladdened parents, there went up a joyous cheer.
It rattled off the ceiling, it echoed far and near.
It rumbled through the spectators, annoying half the place,
For Mikey, and his Pinewood Car, were getting set to race.

Two hundred eyes were on him as he staged his car on track.
One hundred voices giggled as he tripped when he stepped back.
And as the official starter set the starting line to trip,
Defiance glanced in Mikey's eye, a sneer curled Mikey's lip.

Now down the Pinewood Derby track the cars unheeded sped.
Mike's parents shouted loudly as their son's car forged ahead.
And when the dust had lifted at the finish of the heat,
Mike raised his fists in triumph as his car won by two feet!

Thrice more Mike's car ran down the track, thrice more it led the way.
The crowd was now behind him, they thought he would win the day.
And when the heats were over and they totaled up the score.
Well, Mike was first, but he was tied with some kid from Den 4.

The Committee quickly huddled, they weren't sure of what to do.
Till a Tiger Cub said, "Race 'em off! Just use lanes one and two!"
And so they raced, and Mike's car sped to victory, like a dart,
But it wouldn't count this time because the judges yelled, "False start!"

From the benches, black with people, there arose an awful din,
Like the snoring of a Webelos fast asleep inside his tent.
"Egg them! Egg the judges!", shouted someone in the stands,
And its likely they'd have egged them had not Mikey raised his hand.

With a smile of Scouting charity, young Mikey's visage shown.
He stilled the rising tumult, he bade the race go on.
He signaled to the starter, he staged his car again,
The crowd knew now that Mikey would not be denied this win.

The sneer is gone from Mikey's lip, there's fire in his belly,
Probably from pastrami he ate earlier at the deli.
And now the starter trips the gate, and now the cars go by,
And now the air is shattered as they cross the finish line.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land, the sun is shining bright.
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
But Mike, alas, has suffered the most shameful of disgraces,
His car has been disqualified! You have to lube BEFORE the races!

Copyright 1997-1998 © by Cory Young. All rights reserved.

Last updated on December 13, 2006, 12:00 PM
Copyright 1997-2006 © by Cory Young. All rights reserved.