Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men redecorating houses, talking about foreign concepts like "style", and "fixing" guys like myself. Real men of the world stand up; scratch your ass, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!"
I Hereby Announce The Start Of A New Offensive In The Culture Wars, The Retrosexual Movement
These are just the tip of the iceberg. I need help fleshing out The Code. Please let the testosterone flow and add your wisdom.
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE GODDAMN DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with crap. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, YOU DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. Remember life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "...Holy damm...what a ride!"
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic after he's 30 years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "dealing with stuff" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for poontang. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you. Buck up pussy.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a windsor knot when wearing a tie
A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to bond with other guys. That is gay. However dressing in kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and drinking heavily is just fine.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual's asshole is an exit ramp on the road of life. Ladies, contrary to what Cosmo says, spontaneously sticking a finger back there is a good way to be launched off the bed (or if Hooters hot wings have been recently consumed, lose a finger). Make you a deal, we won't mess with yours unless you want us to, and you won't mess with ours period.
A Retrosexual will buy feminine hygiene products if he has to, but only under protest. This falls under unpleasant things you have to DEAL with. Get some Hagen-Daas while you're at it.
A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.
A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has gin and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In fact, why not just get a beer and a shot of scotch?
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled with fear, or are trying to make up for a small penis. Massage and cunnilingus skills are the way to make up for a small penis; guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL with human scum. Plus it's just dammed fun to shoot.
A Retrosexual doesn't know the difference between "Teal" and "Aqua" ...... and frankly, he really doesn't give a damm....
A Retrosexual drinks coffee.... not a double grande hazelnut mocha latte cappuccino frothy...
A Retrosexual DOES NOT posses ANY items of clothing (or firearms) that are "pink"
A Retrosexual can recite the Pledge of Allegiance without mumbling.
A Retrosexuals allegiance is God, Wife, Family, Country then Self in exactly that order of importance.
A Retrosexual knows that he makes the other Son of a Bitch die for his country.
A Retrosexual knows his history. As a consequence he knows war is hell. That's why a Retrosexual prefers war as an away game.
A Retrosexual is wise enough to know never to criticize the food or else be the next cook.
"Hi, have a beer." between two Retrosexuals is considered a long conversation. Stares are small talk.
For a Retrosexual a sport car has 8 cylinders, 4 barrels and is named after an animal. Sewing machine rice haulers with funny lettering need not apply.
Retrosexuals shake hands. Hugs are for French wimps.
Retrosexuals don't wear "fragrances" other than a small dab of kerosene behind each ear.
A Retrosexual does NOT have soft, anti-bacteria, aloe smelling hands. They should be tough, have at least 1 cut at all times, and if your lucky hair on their knuckles. Lava Soap is the only thing that you need to clean your hands with unless you're going out on a date. In that case you would use large amounts Orange hand cleaner.
A Retrosexual Does NOT talk about the size his penis, the length of his penis, or the manner in which he uses his penis.....PERIOD
A Retrosexual considers "a sport" to be anything with large amounts of full contact hitting. Golf does not apply.
When a Retrosexual has a party, there are only two requirements: Meat and Fire.
When a Retrosexual locks his keys in the car he will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore a woman's suggestions to call AAA until long after hypothermia has set in.
A Retrosexual will be capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time he says it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and he and his buddies have to go hunt down an after hours joint.
A Retrosexual will share equally in the housework. His woman should expect to do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. He will do the rest.
A Retrosexual doesn't give a damm about birthdays. There comes a time when you should stop expecting people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
A Retrosexual doesn't protest anything. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is just to annoy people who are not in them.
A Retrosexual never mixes his drugs. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A Retrosexual doesn't bitch about anything.
A Retrosexual carries a knife at all times so to better help him deal with stuff.
Unless you have a 2.2L Dodge Caravan with a Turbo III that does a 10 second quarter mile, a Retrosexual does not drive a minivan.
A Retrosexual makes at least one attempt to fix something before calling in someone else to do it.
A Retrosexual who smokes does not smoke Virginia Slims
Arbor Mist, drinks with umbrellas, Zima, any alcohol that is clear and comes in a 12 oz longneck shall not be consumed by a Retrosexual
A Retrosexual may only go to Jiffy Lube to get his car inspected.
A Retrosexual considers his car to be an extension of his castle. One does not change the radio station, eat, drink, smoke, borrow, or touch the Retrosexuals car without permission.
A Retrosexual knows how to drive a car with manual transmission.
A Retrosexual knows that Smith&Wesson is the original "Point & Click" interface.
A Retrosexual does not leave the house without at least a 4 inch Buck folding knife in his pocket. If legally licensed; he does not leave the house without a handgun that begins with a number lower than "4" in a Pancake holster.
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