(Note: This piece has been wrongly attributed to Andy Rooney. That is an urban legend, the real author is unknown.)
I'm a Bad American-this pretty much sums it up for me. I like big trucks, big boats, big houses, big cars, big motorcycles, and big campfires, and naturally, pretty women.
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America.
Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White entertainment Television, or Miss White America and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door and demanding money.
I have always thought that homosexually is a mental disorder because who in their right mind would want to be one?
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of the subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!
I don't care about appearing compassionate.
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I think playing with toy guns doesn't make you a killer. I believe ignoring your kids and giving them Prozac might.
I have the right NOT to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the law of statistics.
I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist.
I think I'm doing better than the homeless.
I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. But if you want to that's fine; I just don't feel like everyone else should have to.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document and open to their interpretations.
I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet. I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny.
I own a gun, you can own a gun, and any red blooded American should be allowed to own a gun, but if you use it in a crime, then you will serve the time.
I don't believe in hate crime legislation. Even suggesting it makes me mad.
You're telling me that someone who is a minority, gay, disabled, another nationality, or otherwise different from the mainstream of this country has more value as a human being that I do as a white male. If someone kills anyone, I'd say that it's a hate crime. We don't need more laws! Let's enforce the ones we already have.
I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's rear end gets, I'll still want to see it.
I want to know when MTV became such crap.
I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!
I don't use the excuse "Its for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks and should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
I know what the definition of "Is" is.
I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, liteor fat-freeon the package.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, and they can do it in their schools.
I think the WNBA is cool, as is the US Woman's Soccer Team - because they kick ass.
My heroes are John Wayne, both President Bushs, Winston Churchill, Ronald Reagan, Norman Schwartzkopf, Colin Powell and whoever canceled "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman".
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I've never owned, or was a slave, and a large percentage of our forefathers weren't wealthy enough to own one either. Please stop blaming me because some prior white people were idiots - and remember, tons of white, Indian, Chinese, and other races have been enslaved too - it was wrong for every one of them.
I know wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television, and that doesn't stop you from watching them.
Our soldiers did not go to some foreign country and risk their lives in vain and defend our Constitution so that decades later you can tell me its a living document ever changing and is open to interpretation. The guys who wrote it were light years ahead of anyone today, and they meant what they said - now leave the document alone, or there's going to be trouble.
I think global warming is a big lie and Chicken Little junk science. Where are all those experts now when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up already.
Rocky and Bullwinkle still makes me laugh.
I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them.
I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I want to know exactly which church it is where the Rev. Je$$e Ja¢k$on preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.
I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen DeGeneres puts her tongue.
I worry about dying before I get even.
Hillary Clinton is a carpet-munching lesbian.
I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a stoplight, and I'm pretty sure the Latina girl selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside Ensenada.
I think turkey bacon sucks.
I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are not gonna be honor roll middle-class high school kids but gang-banging losers from the wrong side of town.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid and smack their little ass when necessary and say "NO."
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And . . . Please stay home until that new lip ring heals, I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me french fries!
I like hard women, hard liquor and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning, and don't even think about asking me if I want a rice cake.
I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room.
I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to that crap from someone else's car when I'm stopped at a red light. But I respect your right to.
I believe that if you are selling me a Dairy Queen shake, a pack of cigarettes, or hotel room you do it in English. As of matter of fact, if you are an American citizen you should speak English. My uncles and forefathers shouldn't have had to die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come disrespect ours, and make us bend to your will. Get over it.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry butt if you're running from them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the previous line. I don't use the excuse "Its for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I know how to count votes and I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation do a recount when needed. I know what the definition of lying is, and it isn't based on the word "Is"-ever.
I think turkey bacon, turkey beef, turkey fake anything sucks. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child-it takes a parent with the guts to stand up to the kid and spank his butt and say "NO!" when it's necessary to do so. I'll admit that the only movies that ever made me cry was "Sands of Iwo Jima" and "Ole Yeller". I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid.
I do not need to define myself as "compassionate". To do so would imply that, usually, conservatives are not. My compassion is tempered by an understanding of the human condition.
I work with and around human nature, instead of suppressing and denying it, as my Liberal counterpart does.
I do not hate the elderly. But I oppose Social Security.
I do not hate children. But I do not believe it's the government's job to feed them.
I do not hate women. But I denounce the female chauvinism of the far left feminists.
I do not hate the poor. But I will not concede to them any claim on the fruits of my labor. Ever.
I do not hate immigrants. But I will fight those who come here to colonize my country, rather than assimilate into it.
I do not oppose immigration. But I oppose the mindless laws which are swamping my society and destroying my culture, rather than adding to it.
I do not hate clean water and clean air. But I oppose wasteful, inefficient, bureaucratic environmental management.
I do not hate forests. But I oppose mindless kneejerk environmentalists who would rather see them burned than managed.
I do not hate American Indians. But it's over, and they lost. There are 270 million of us here now, we're not going to go away, and I refuse to feel guilty about it.
Double that for anyone who has slaves in their family tree.
I do not hate black people. But I oppose the mindless nonsense that emanates from the civil rights crowd like a toxic gas, stinking up my society.
I do not hate Hispanics. But I do hate those who come here with the openly expressed purpose of reconquest of the Southwest for Mexico. (I am not making this up)
I DO hate terrorists.
I do not hate Arabs, or Muslims. But I will cheerfully kill anyone on the planet who wants to kill me especially an ignorant, hateful fanatic who wishes to kill me on general principle, simply because I do not subscribe to his religion.
I hate professional victims.
I hate bigots and racists. Especially nonwhite ones who insist that it is impossible for them to BE bigots.
People kill people. Guns are mere tools.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
Being a victim is an event, not a lifestyle.
I enjoy a melting pot society. But multiculturalism is a code word for balkanization and division, and the conservatives are the only ones with the guts to say it.
I like animals. They taste great, and their fur can keep me warm. They are not my brothers. I eat them while I am alive, and when I die, they'll get their crack at me.
Sensitivity does not trump sense.
Feelings are not more important than thoughts.
Diversity is not a virtue.
I favor a tolerant society. This does not mean I am accepting of any perverse conduct an individual can dream up.
I believe Western Civilization has contributed immensely to the betterment of mankind, and given far more than it has taken.
I believe that my country was a great one, and can be again, if we can silence the self haters in our midst.
I think each and every individual is responsible for his or her own actions. We should all reap the benefits of good choices without guilt, and bear the consequences of bad ones without tears.
I am sick of "Political Correctness" and of all the suck ups that go along with it. I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa, so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
My father and grandfather shouldn't have to die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions. I thought this country allowed me that right. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
This is my life to live, and not necessarily up to others expectations.
And if you don't like my point of view, tough!
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