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Reflections from June & July:
I clearly remember how I felt in the hours, days, & weeks since Jason disappeared on June 13th. For many days, my constant anxiety & fear for Jason's well-being had my stomach in knots & quite often I found that I could not speak at all lest I choke up. When he didn't come the first night, & then the second night passed, I felt somewhat like I was grieving due to the death of a loved one, but yet there was no closure, as we didn't & still don't know if Jason is dead or alive. I tried to figure out how to go on without closure, & how to adapt what I knew & experienced before in regards to dealing with grief to this situation. I only knew that my heart felt torn in two, so heavy, it seemed impossible to bear. I saw life going on all around me, people going about their daily business, laughing & talking with their children. I felt like I was on the outside, looking in to a life that was once ours, an ordinary life in an ordinary family. I wondered if we would ever get back to that place. Many things seemed surreal, but yet I had no denial of the events unfolding, that of which I had no control. I remember the first time we watched the news on TV when we finally were able to get media coverage. I saw Jason's picture, they started to talk about him, & I placed my head in my hands & sobbed. It's always the "other guy" whose tragedies you see on the evening news, not yours. You never imagine it would be your family, your child. Death is a part of life, & although it is difficult to accept a loved one's death, we go on, some of us at a slower pace than others. In our situation, we can't fully grieve & come to an acceptance because we do not know what has become of Jason. We can, however, continue to trust in God, knowing that He will give us the strength necessary to make it through another day without our son. One day, when I was at very low ebb emotionally, I was driving back home from looking for Jason in the Old Market. I thought I might succumb to despair, as I felt as if I were in a downward spiral. The tears were flowing, & I happened to look up, to the west, & saw the most beautiful sight. Beams of sunlight shone through the most perfectly formed clouds over the spires of St. Cecilia's Cathedral. I'd never seen a more spectacular sunset. In my hour of need, it had became crystal clear that God would not abandon us. I could go on another day, and another after that.
Reflections, August 12, 2001:
Tomorrow, August 13, will be two months since Jason disappeared. Sometimes, it seems like much longer. The pain of losing Jason has not diminished. Each night, our hearts break again, as another day passes without him. It seems futile to keep asking ourselves the same questions, over & over again. Where is he? Is he alive? Did someone harm him? If he is alive, why hasn't he called us? In the end, we still can only say that we simply do not know, and that is the reality of it. No amount of theorizing will return him to us. In his bedroom, his tennis shoes remain unfilled, his bed empty, his worldly possessions left behind. I stopped going to his room each time I came home, so hoping to see him there…..it hurt too much, so I'll just be surprised when he is finally there. What we wouldn't give to hear his laughter, or see his smile again! We are instead swept along on a sea of uncertainty, kept afloat only by the grace of God. We know not where this path will lead, but only that we must travel it. The ordinary, simple life we once led is now gone, and nothing will ever be the same again until we find our Jason, safe and sound. It would be so easy to allow ourselves to give in to despair, but love dictates the opposite. In the bible, love is described as follows: "It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things………….So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." (1 Cor 13:7,13)
Love bids that we shall go on, day by day, sometimes even minute by minute & we won't give up until Jason is found.
Reflections, September 22, 2001:
Today is the first day of Fall, my favorite season. I love the crisp, cool air. I love walking through the leaves, hearing the crunch of the fallen leaves beneath my feet. I love the seeing the harvest moon illuminating the night sky. The beauty of creation, and our God-given ability to see, hear, & feel these things, gives joy to the beholder. How blessed we are! When I stop & count my blessings, I find them to be indeed abundant. I have a loving family & friends, a roof over my head, & a good job that I like. I have a wonderful, supportive husband of nearly 21 years, & another son of whom I am very proud. Although we have the daily pain of losing Jason, I have not lost the ability to feel joy & to be able to laugh. No person or event could take that from me It is the "cushion" God gives us to ease our pain. I thank Him for that. Right now, in the aftermath of our nation's great tragedy, people are suffering. They may feel they cannot laugh again, ever. They may be experiencing the loss of multiple family members and other loved ones. We continue to pray daily for the souls of the faithful departed & for their families & friends. I'm glad they will have closure so that they may rebuild their lives. Their healing, and the healing of this country may take a long time, but it will come to pass. Nothing will be the same, as it is for us, but we all go on. What we are seeing now in America, is what we witnessed ourselves on a much smaller scale, that is, the kindness, generosity, & spirit of the people. I know what a tremendous difference that same spirit & generosity made to us in our everyday struggle to deal with Jason's disappearance, & I can say with confidence that our common bond of American citizenship & the actions that spring forth from that bond will rebuild that which has been decimated. In the last two weeks, our churches have been overflowing with people & our workplaces & schools have included prayer in the daily routine. I pray that as the people of this country turned to God for answers & assistance in dealing with the events of September 11, that they stay the course. This life is truly not the one we are meant to live. That life is what comes after this one, the one we will attain through love of God. That life is forever. Love God & your country, but love God foremost, always.
May God bless America!
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