Murky Memos

All the latest from

Murky Vista Elementary School

Sprawling School District, Sprawling, California

Lesson Outcome Statements

To: Staff 
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal

There has been some confusion about how to write your Lesson Outcome Statement on the board. I would like to clarify the issue and tell you exactly what the district supervisors expect to see when they walk into your classroom. But first, why don’t you tell me what you think they want to see? Write some guesses on your white boards and I'll be around to wonder if you are getting any warmer.

Next week our Leadership Squad will visit another school to see what they think Lesson Outcome Statements should look like. You can also ask their subs if they have any ideas about which format the district supervisors would find acceptable.

Remember: Lesson Outcome Statements are one of the Nonavoidables. There is no time to waste. We must all be on the same page. Go team!

Problem with Bees

To: Staff 
From: Frizzy Fooster, Secretary

Last week bees were seen in several classrooms. The maintence guys located the hive deep within the walls of the building, however, the usual methods of removal have been unsuccessful. Advice was sought on a cost-effective, natural remedy to this dangerous infestation. On Monday a contractor will introduce approximately one hundred black widow spiders into the spaces between the walls. Since spiders eat bee larvae, everything should be back to normal soon.

Proof of Residency

To: Staff 
From: Fabiola Feffenbock, Office Clerk

We are seeing a serious drop in our student enrollment. The way things look right now, we might have to reduce our staff by one or two teachers. Therefore, in order to attract students from a wider area, we are now accepting almost anything as proof of residency. A receipt from Big Lots or Walmart will be sufficient.

Writing process

To: Writing Process Committee
From: Flora Fustabustus, District Writing Guru

On our latest Walk Around, we noticed some teachers have not kept up with changes to The Writing Process Steps. For example, we eliminated Step 4, Reluctant Editing, and Step 6, Tortured Recopy, over a year ago. We know it’s hard to get kids to write. That’s why we keep modifying the process to match reality in the classroom. Here are the Writing Process Steps we should all be teaching: 1. Denial, 2. Anger, 3. Bargaining, 4. Depression, and 5. Acceptance. Please be sure these steps are posted in your classroom.

Newspaper clipping

LATEST RESEARCH SHOWS RESEARCH IS UNRELIABLE

UPI – Denver: A study conducted by the University of Colorado indicates that research is no better than common sense when it comes to determining the effectiveness of teaching practices. “We noticed that every new education program was backed by research claiming it was the best,” said Dr. Fernando Fritzlopper. “They couldn’t all be the best so we tested research itself and, according to the research on research, research is less reliable than a good hunch.”

Focus Statement

To: Focus Statement Team Members:
From: Franklin Flabbergast

At our last meeting we were trying to decide whether to say "all children" or "every child" when someone suggested "each child" and we sort of agreed on that but now I am thinking maybe "every student" or perhaps "each and every student" would be better. Bring your ideas to the next meeting.

We have to have our Focus Statement written this year so we can turn our attention to an updated Vision Statement for next year. By then it will be time to revise our Mission Statement. No time to waste. See you Thursday.

Apology

Dear Colleagues:

I apologize for missing this morning's meeting. My grandmother called to say she had to donate a kidney to a one-legged pregnant woman whose siamese triplets are on dialysis in Mexicalli. Since the pregnant woman is the only surgeon at the Mexicalli Hospital, and since she is doing emergency brain surgery today on a Nobel Prize winner, (1992 for Physics) and since my grandmother is deathly afraid to ride in a car with anyone driving except me, I felt it was important to get her there on time. On the way we had a flat tire.

Thanks for understanding,

Felix

Report card

Dear Mr. Ficklesworth,

Thank you for sending Felonia's report card home. I know report cards have changed, but I still find it hard to understand some of the terms.

For example, in math you wrote that my daughter was “exceeding mastery at below grade level expectations”. Is that good? In language arts you said she was “approaching proficiency in advanced remedial areas”. In science Felonia was “surpassing near competency”. What does that mean? I’m really confused about history because you wrote: “receding progress has improved”.

Could we meet next week to discuss how Felonia is doing in school? She is passing, isn’t she?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Fenortner

Thinking outside the box

To: Murky Vista Staff
From: Dr. Flumsy, Principal

There seems to be some confusion following our last staff meeting where I said you should ‘think outside the box' and that we should all 'be on the same page'. Let me clarify my message about 'thinking outside the box'. I simply meant that we should cast off old assumptions about how things are done. I did not mean to encourage creativity, originality, innovation, or independent thinking on your part. All of that has been done for you so our teams can have uniformity, consistency, and same-pageness. In retrospect, I should have instructed you to think outside the old box, and think inside the new box.

Special opportunity

To: Murky Vista Teachers
From: Mr. Flumsy, Principal
RE: Focus Statement

If you would like to be on the committee to appoint a task force that will attend a workshop on how to conduct a seminar for generating the requirements for a rubric by which to formulate a Focus Statement for our school, you must first attend a symposium on how to plan an inservice. During that event there will be an opportunity for you to give input on the feedback about the synopsis of the analysis of future revisions.

Staff members who are selected will go to a conference and participate in meetings where they will learn how to relate the information to the rest of the staff at a presentation to be held after our staff get-together in April.

After the presentation there will be a brainstorming session for making plans to coordinate ways in which to organize a staff retreat to Sprawling where the rough draft of the second modification of our ammended Focus Statement will be paraphrased to reflect our Mission Statement from 1996, which was an elaboration of our 1983 Vision Statement.

Sign up in the lounge.

Plan A, or Plan B?

To: Strategy Team Members
From: Frank Festandez, Strategy Team Leader
RE: Choosing Plan A or Plan B

The pending decision about whether we should go with Plan A or Plan B is being held in abeyance until it can be determined whether it is best to postpone making a commitment, or suspend any resolution until our options have been fully reviewed again.

As the deadline approaches, we may announce a tentative selection that would signal our flexible resolve to re-evaluate either Plan A or Plan B while we take another look at Plan C. Or we may delay putting off any announcement and leave everything on hold for an unspecified period of time.

Once we make up our minds, however, further reconsideration of our choices may be necessary before anything gets carved in stone. Between now and then, please send suggestions for rescheduling our next Strategy Team meeting to the office. Include at least two alternate dates.

New program

Transcript of Murky Vista Staff Meeting, September 5, 2009
Guest Presenter -- Frances Finn, District Director for New Programs

Frances: Hello, everyone. I'm here to introduce a very exciting program. First and foremost, I know there has always been the "next big thing" [air quotes] in education, and we’ve all seen programs come go. However, this one is different and unique. I mean, it's actually called The Next Best Practice, or NBP, and you're getting in on the ground floor. So, without further ado...

Frieda: Oh, here we go again, reinventing the wheel. We never stick with the tried and true long enough to see if it works. Anyway, I can’t take on a new program now because I’ve already run off my dittos for the next three years.

Frances: I know you have a lot on your plate, but The Next Best Practice is so cutting edge that simply everyone is getting on board. Research shows that it works and once NBP is fully implemented at Murky Vista, no child will be left behind.

Florence: That’s what they always say. It’s the old pendulum swing again. I mean, you know, this program will probably be just like something we did years ago. Back in the day they said we needed a new paradigm. I still don’t know what that is.

Frances: I understand where you’re coming from; nobody likes to be left out of the loop. The Next Best Practice is raising the bar for education and taking it to the next level. It's thinking outside the box and pushing the envelope so no child will fall through the cracks.

Fernando: Teaching is not about one-size-fits-all or cookie-cutter classrooms. We don't need change for change sake. You know what I'm saying? Hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Frances: I hear you. That’s why The Next Best Practice levels the playing field and allows all of the stake-holders to have buy-in. Teachers can literally have a real sense of ownership when they see the big picture. Best of all, no child will miss the boat.

Frieda: Okay, you know what? We have a long agenda today so, bottom line, just tell us what The Next Best Practice is, and exactly what we're supposed to do.

Frances: Here it is in a nutshell: Basically, The Next Best Practice literally gets all the teachers doing mostly the same things some of the time. That way there is consistency, follow-through, and connectedness with a sense of unity and common purpose going forward. At the end of the day we are all on the same page.

Flynn: Is this about Theme Walls? Because, hello? I already put up a Theme Wall.

Frances: I sense that you are threatened by change. It’s hard to get out of our comfort zone and be a risk-taker. Even I was skeptical about The Next Best Practice until I learned that teachers actually get to keep their autonomy. Basically, you will be empowered, enabled, and enlightened. It's a win-win situation. And and no child will go down the drain.

Florence: I still don't have a clue about what you want us to do.

Frances: That’s because you haven’t had the training. Once you get the training, you'll be ahead of the curve. The whole entire Murky Vista learning community will hit the ground running. Oh, there will be a couple of dinosaurs who will have to be won over. But after they see the state-of-the-art Power Point presentation and receive a shiny new binder, they will step up to the plate and get with the program.

Fernando: I'm clueless about this whole thing. I mean, what is this all about, exactly?

Frances: Let me cut to the chase: The walk-throughs are beginning as we speak. Worst case scenario: If you don’t have The Next Best Practice up and running by next week Murky Vista will be designated a National Foot-dragging School. It's a no brainer.

Frieda: Well, that would be embarrassing, and I could use a shiny new binder. Will the training be very long? I have to leave at 3:15 because I have a life, you know. And snacks; will there be snacks?

Frances: Yes, they always have snacks. Now, last but not least, your principal has told me that a date for the training will be scheduled by your Strategy Team. Thank you very much for taking the plunge and going the extra mile to implement this ground-breaking program. Soon you will be talking the talk and walking the walk. And no child will be eaten by dingos.

Safety Patrol

The Murky Messenger
Monthly PTA Newsletter
“From the Principal’s Desk”

Dear Parents:

Next September, Murky Vista School will start the year with a new and exciting program: every student from kindergarten through sixth grade will be a full-fledged member of the Safety Patrol.

All students will wear our new school uniform, consisting of white pants and a red polo shirt embroidered with the Safety Patrol logo. You may purchase the uniforms at any Wal-Mart. While you’re there, be sure to buy an official Safety Patrol whistle and short-handle stop sign for each of your children. Wal-Mart also carries Safety Patrol jackets and rain gear for your convenience.

There will be an assembly on the first day of school to show the students how to approach an intersection, look both ways, blow their whistles, hold up their personal stop signs, and walk themselves across the street.

Wal-Mart also sells Safety Patrol lapel pins to designate various ranks which now include Lieutenant Colonel, Battalion Commander, Vice Admiral, and Four Star General. At your discretion, you may promote your offspring to higher rank and award the pins at home. You can festoon your kid with medals, sashes, gold braid, and epaulettes for all I care.

With our new and exciting program there will be no need for any involvement in Safety Patrol by teachers, staff, police officers, parent volunteers, or canine rescue organizations. It won't be necessary to have Safety Patrol meetings, or to make up duty schedules.

In fact, this is the last time anyone will hear anything from this office about Safety Patrol. There will be no further letters, memos, bulletins, notes, phone conversations, or intercom announcements regarding Safety Patrol. Please direct any questions or concerns you may have about Safety Patrol to the Assistant Manager at any Wal-Mart.

Have a nice summer,

Dr. Flumsy, Principal

Outdated methods

Hi All,

Over the weekend I was reflecting on my thirty-plus years in education. During that time I’ve had the pleasure of visiting your school many times to present the latest teaching methods, approaches, techniques, practices, and strategies for one program after another. Suddenly, I had a thought: It must be hard for teachers to keep up with all the changes. I mean, how do teachers know they are using the latest methods?

Well, I was at the grocery store, and I saw those little bags of lettuce in the produce section. The answer came to me in a flash. From now on, every new method will come with an expiration date printed right on the binder. For example: The Whizzo Vocabulary Builder -- Best taught by 11/26/09. Is that a great idea, or what?

Naturally, most methods will be modified or replaced before their actual expiration dates. So, if you see an expired date on a method you're using in your classroom, you’re probably about two methods behind. When that happens just give me a call and I’ll be right over with a fresh method.

Fondly,

Flora Fustabustus,
District Curriculum Coordinator

Notices on the bulletin board in the lounge

Most votes for new school slogan:
"Murky Vista Elementary School -- Clearly the Best".

Ou theme for next trimester is CELEBRATING VARIOUSNESS.

Our school mascot is the Murky Mudskipper, not Mudsucker. Come on, people, this is serious. We can't expect the kids to identify with our mascot if the teachers are making jokes about it.

FRIDAY AWARD ASSEMBLY
-Student of the Month category is "Most Spontaneous"

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