Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

And--I couldn't afford a vanity license plate, so I changed my name to ZWY1234.

It's always darkest just before it goes totally black.

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

I feel so much better now that I've given up hope.

Only some of us learn by other people's mistakes; the rest of us have to be the other people.

What light?  I'm still looking for the tunnel!

Be grateful for husbands who attack small repair jobs around the house. They usually make them big enough to call in professionals.

Be grateful for children who put away their things and clean up after themselves.  They're such a joy you hate to see them go home to their own parents.

My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.

I love you more today than yesterday.  Yesterday you really got on my nerves!

If you love something, set it free.  If it returns, you haven't lost it.  If it disappears and never comes back, it wasn't truly yours to begin with.... And if it just sits there watching television, unaware that it's been set free, you probably already married it.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!