Random Thoughts

Just a few things that have been on my mind lately.

On Demand

My cable TV service offers video on-demand. Why do they put it that way? I usually don’t demand things. Does the cable company think I'm pounding my fist on the table and demanding that I get video, and that I get it right now, or else? Sometimes I insist, but don't demand very often, and especially when it comes to videos. I might request videos on a whim. Why can’t they offer videos by request? Or videos on a whim? I say to the cable company: “How about a video tonight, if it’s not too much trouble? Or I could watch the nature channel. Whatever works for you.”

More Than Happy

I asked our waiter to bring some water. He said, “I’d be more than happy to.”  Bringing water doesn’t just make him happy. It makes him more than happy. But I’m left to wonder, how much more? Is he thrilled, elated, or jubilant? He doesn’t say. All we know is that he is somewhere beyond happiness. Perhaps he is gleeful, ecstatic, or joyful. Or bringing water might make him overjoyed. How much over? We can only guess.

Birthday Cake

It's a strange ritual. We have the birthday boy or girl to blow out the candles on a cake we are about to eat. We wouldn't think of having that person blow on the rest of our food. We don't want anyone breathing all over the ice cream. You know, we teach our kids to cover their mouths when they cough. We teach them to use a tissue when they sneeze. But if it's a birthday, light the candles, make a wish, and have at it.

Cookies

Cookies can be store-bought. Or you can buy cookie dough that you cut and bake in your own oven. You can also make cookies from a mix. But everyone knows the best cookies are made from scratch. I got some cookies for my birthday. They were made from scratch. It must have been really good scratch because the cookies were delicious. I guess the best scratch is made from scratch. I don't know if they sell ready-made scratch. Honestly, I'm not sure what scratch is, exactly, but maybe it has something to do with chickens.

The Pledge

So, what’s up with the Pledge of Allegiance? Why do school children have to repeat it every day? Is it a promise that is only good for twenty-four hours? Does it wear off over the weekend? And what about the summer? After a few weeks of going unpledged, do good American kids start thinking about communism? Over and over, they say it, day after day, like a mantra, and by the time a kid is out of sixth grade, he's pledged his allegiance to the flag over a thousand times, like he had to store up pledges to last the rest his life, because most adults hardly ever say it.

One Man's Trash

We're dropping my father-in-law at the airport. He is getting bags from the trunk when he sees a folded-paper on the ground. Did he drop it? Is it important? Could it be his tickets? He picks the paper up and unfolds it. It's nothing. Just some advertising brochure. He drops it back to the pavement.

This is a person who would never litter. It's just not the way he was raised. But this is not littering since the brochure had already been dropped there by someone else. It was pre-littered so he thinks it is perfectly alright to return it to the street, as if he had never picked it up.

Special Treatment

A major grocery store chain gave me a Preferred Customer Card that entitles me to a significant discount on many items. Apparently they like me better than their other customers. If I forget to bring my card, they let me enter my phone number and it’s just as good. Then the clerk says, “Thank you, Mr. Wall,” and tells me how much I saved.

Now, this next part is amazing. I was standing in line and noticed the woman behind me was also holding a Preferred Customer Card. I mean, what are the odds that there would be two Preferred Customers in the same store, in the same line, at the same time? Spooky, huh?

Sag Harbor

At Macy’s they have a line of women’s clothing called Sag Harbor. No kidding. You get off the escalator and there is a sign over in that department that says Sag Harbor. It just seems a little insensitive, that’s all. Saaaag Harbor? If you are going to be mean, why not just put up a sign that says Drooping Orchard? Or Hot Flash Bay? You don’t see that in the men’s department. There is no sign there that says Slumping Lagoon. Or Receding Ridge. Or Big Belly Cove.

Patrol Car

It was Community Service Day at school. Out on the playground, Officer Fribley was showing the kids around his black and white police car. I stood by as he explained how Ford modifies a civilian car to meet the needs of law enforcement.

For example, he told us, heavier shocks and springs are installed. They put in a bigger engine. Antennas and emergency lights are attached to the roof. They add a police radio, a computer, a spotlight, a siren, and lots of switches. In fact, the officer said, so much extra equipment is added at the factory that something has to come off to make room for it all. That made me wonder what was missing.

I stuck my head in the open driver’s window and looked around the dash area near the steering wheel. At that very moment one of life’s greatest mysteries was solved: the turn signal indicator was gone.

Golf

I am new to the game and my golf coach is being very patient. He explained an important golf term, "muscle memory." The theory is that you learn a particular movement and you practice it until your muscles remember and it becomes automatic. So, it seems that my muscles have a mind of their own. The trouble is that my muscles don't exactly have total recall. I set up to hit a drive off the tee and my muscles have only a vague feeling of déjá vu.

No Child Left Behind

The president announced his slogan for education, No Child Left Behind, and said too many kids were falling through the cracks. Where are these cracks? Was there an earthquake that left cracks, and kids fell into them, and got left behind as the rest of the students walked to school? Lassie wouldn't let that happen. There should be a specially trained collie at every school in America. After the morning bell, the dog would go around the neighborhood checking in all the cracks, barking for help when she found kids who had been left behind.

Patrol Car Reply

I got a letter from Sergeant Fluster of the Murky Vista Police Department who said I obviously don’t know a thing about police tactics. It would be foolish, he wrote, for officers on patrol to give away their intentions when there might be criminals in the area. Therefore, law enforcement professionals must refrain from using turn signals while driving police vehicles on public streets and highways.

According to the sergeant, turn signal indicators are removed from police cars to prevent officers from inadvertently signaling a turn or lane change. "We have to keep the bad guys guessing," said Fluster.

Country Western Song

I’m writing a Country Western song. Not that we need any more Country Western songs. I’m mailing the lyrics to an agent in Nashville. Not that my song is likely to impress any agents in Nashville. The only reason I am doing this is because I can't get the title out of my mind: “You Can Cry on My Shoulder, but Don’t Wipe Your Nose on Me.” It came to me while I was standing next to a horse. If I can finish the song, and put it in the mail, maybe it will stop running around and around in my head. Some day they might even play it on a Country Western radio station. Not that I listen to Country Western radio stations.

Football

You know, they could put an end to all the squabbling down on the field by giving the players a second ball to play with. You'd think they could afford to buy each team their own ball, what with the amount of money they charge for a hot dog. There is enough fighting up in the stands without the guys on the field fussing over who gets to play with the ball. Heck, just give each player his own ball and everyone will be happy. Give them a hot dog, too.

Scrabble Junior

That's a nice game for a kid, Scrabble Junior. When he gets a little older and his vocabulary is more developed the kid can graduate to regular Scrabble. Scrabble is a game that can be enjoyed for a lifetime. But I hear the game does get harder for people as they become older. That's why the Scrabble company should come out with Scrabble Senior. All they have to do is repackage Scrabble Junior in a box that says Scrabble Senior.

Tooth Fairy

Kids don't believe it. However, they're willing to go along with the myth in order to get the cash. They feel the same way about Santa (for the toys) but let's stick with the tooth fairy. If cash can be gotten for teeth, why not hair? Kids get a haircut and put the snipped-off locks under their pillows for some loot. And clipped fingernails? Tonsils? And what kid hasn't fallen off a bicycle and skinned his knee? A few days later there is a big scab. That should be worth at least five bucks to the scab fairy.

Ford Trucks Versus Chevy Trucks

Here are guys who have decided to join one side or the other in a silly battle of automotive brands. They put hateful bumper stickers and window decals deriding the opposing side's logo. Is the Chevy Haters Club the best group they can identify with? Some guys have an almost religious devotion to Fords. Do they really see Chevrolet as the Anti-Ford?

Old Navy

This is an odd name for a clothing store. Is it our navy, or some other country's navy? Do they sell navy clothes there? Can you buy navy equipment there? Does the company have any ships? If you go to the Old Navy store, do you see navy people there? Are they old navy people? And why aren't there any Old Army stores? I'm just asking.

Drop Forged

I've got this wrench. It's an adjustable wrench. Commonly called a Crescent Wrench, but it's some other brand. And it has the words "Drop Forged" cast into the handle. What is Drop Forged? A guy goes into a hardware store to buy a wrench. He looks at the selection and sees the words, "Drop Forged." That must be important, right? I mean, why would they put those words on the handle if Drop Forged was not a good thing to have in a wrench. Actually, the wrench I have says "Fully Drop Forged." Even better. Because you don't want one of those Partially Drop Forged Wrenches.

Thinking Outside the Box

I keep hearing how good it is to think outside the box. What box? It must be some metaphorical box, because I’m thinking right now, and I’m looking around, and I don’t see any box. Nope. No box. And I don’t seem to be thinking inside or outside of any jar, can, bottle, or Ziploc bag either. It’s just me, sitting here at the keyboard, thinking inside my cranium. Well, sort of thinking. I’m not exactly pushing the envelope to new intellectual heights. Wait a minute. Why do we say pushing the envelope?

Winnie the Pooh

Why do we have to say Winnie the Pooh? Is it necessary to distinguish Winnie the Pooh from other Winnies, say, Winnie the Badger, Winnie the Dolphin, Winnie the Snake? Or are there other Poohs so that we must specify Winnie the Pooh in order to avoid confusing him with Larry the Pooh, Tommy the Pooh, or Armando the Pooh?

Patrol Car Scoop

Last Tuesday I was driving to work and noticed a black and white police car ahead of me. As the police car changed lanes, the turn signal blinked two or three times. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief.

I called the MVPD garage and asked mechanic supervisor Fred Flortnoy to give me the inside story on police car turn signal indicators. Flortnoy said his mechanics are swamped and usually don’t yank the signal lever unless they get a work order on it. “As long as nobody reports an officer for using his turn signals, it’s not a priority. There was this one cop who claimed he accidently bumped the lever with his knee, but they wrote him up anyway, and we got a work order on it."

The Bathroom Pass

Can you think of a better way to spread germs than by having kids use a bathroom pass? Cute plastic and wooden bathroom passes are hot items at teacher supply stores. The teachers, who certainly know about germs, require little children to take the pass from a hook and carry it to the bathroom. The children put it on the sink, they drop it on the floor, and after they don't wash their hands, they return to the classroom and hang the pass, a teeming petri dish of bacteria, back on the hook, where it waits for the next child who has to go to the bathroom.

The Piñata

I was walking the dogs around the neighborhood park. There I saw the most barbaric ritual happening at a birthday party for a three-year-old.

The adults had strung up Winnie the Pooh. He was big, and beautiful, and smiling his sweet, innocent smile, and looking down upon the children who had always adored him. They were the same little children who had snuggled down countless nights, tenderly hugging their beloved Pooh Bears while drifting off to slumber, safe in the glow of their little Winnie the Pooh nightlights. Now they were being directed to smash Winnie to pieces with a stick.

I couldn't watch. I walked on thinking how confusing this must be for little kids. Further down the path I saw some children who were giving a terrible beating to Sponge Bob.

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Murky Memos - Random Thoughts
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by Rick Wall, San Diego, CA, USA

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