March 11, 2002

It's been six months.

No, not six months since that. If you want to read something touching about that, go read Rob's entry today at Darn Tootin'. It's poignant without being overdone and it made me thoughtful rather than just knee-jerk weepy, and I highly recommend it. As for me, all I can say is that I will never, as long as I may live, forget how lower Manhattan smelled or the devastation that was ground zero, even a month later.

No, I've been single for six months now. I know I haven't talked about this much lately, and there are several reasons for that. At first I just sort of cut myself off with regards to weepy drivel because, let's face it, it's just no fun. I was still weepy and drively, but I was going to be damned if I was going to show it any more than was absolutely necessary to my sanity. (Yes, sanity - stop snickering.) And then, gradually - so gradually that I barely even noticed it - I wasn't as weepy anymore. Until one day relatively recently, I realized that I had gone an entire day without crying once. It had been months since my last tear-free day, and honestly, it just sort of confused me. I wasn't sure how to handle it. I spent a few days just being perplexed. Might I actually be getting over it? How odd.

I didn't want to jump to any conclusions. But I think it's safe to say now. I'm getting over it. I may, in fact, be over it. Not to say that I don't still love James, because of course I do - there will always be a place for him in my heart. We shared too much for him to not leave a mark, to be evicted from my emotions totally. I just love him as someone who has been gone a long time and who I wish I still knew. I do wish that we were friends these days, but I think only time will tell on that one, and we may never be friends. There may just be too much hurt and distance. And that's ok. Not ideal, but ok.

So six months seems to have done the trick.

But what a terrible day that was. I was talking to Walter a few hours ago and he said what an awful anniversary that must be - as I was destroying my personal life, sending it tumbling to the ground(at the time, immediately prior to the day itself, Walter and I referred to it as "blowing up" my entire life - afterwards it seemed less appropriate), Walter was coming across the street to tell us that that world had gone crazy. And it had.

But my world is getting back to it's usual standard of crazy. I hope that the same is true of you.