Walter, you don't want to read this. Just
a warning. You may if you like.
Here's how life seems to me,
Life is like therapy,
It's real expensive with no guarantee.
What a great line!
As I lay on the couch,
with my heart hanging out,
I was frozen in fear like a rock in the ground.
Pretty much where I was, actually. I was
stuck in this desperate fear that I had been given this one dear
gift and that I had squandered it. I was afraid that James was
the one and only for me and that I would be alone perpetually
without him. I couldn't move forward because of the albatross
of fear around my neck.
But you move me.
You give me courage I didn't know I had.
Somehow, Walter actually does give me courage
I otherwise wouldn't have. I can't believe that I told him the
things that I told him last fall - I'm not so sure it was smart,
but it was braver than I generally give myself credit for.
You move me.
I can't go with you and stay where I am,
And I would like to go with him... oh yes,
I would...
so you move me.
Here's how love seemed to me,
I could look and not see,
Going through the emotions not knowing what they mean.
Well, I still don't know what they mean.
And it scared me so much,
that I just could not budge,
I might have stayed here forever if not for your touch.
Seeing Walter again touched my scarred and
whimpering soul enough that I was able to move once more, and
now I am free again, uplifted and liberated from my paralysis.
You move me.
Out of myself and into the fire,
Does this strike anyone else as a reference
to Garth Brooks "Standing Outside The Fire"? Seems that
way to me. And I'd much rather be in the flames. I'm like a moth
drawn to emotional fire.
You move me.
Burning with love and hope and desire.
Ok, yes, I know there's no real point, but
I am. All three.
You move me.
You go whistling through the dark, making light of it,
making light of it.
I will follow with my heart,
laughing all the way.
I am laughing again. Even at myself. But
no longer in the self destructive, mirth-as-shield manner.
Because you move me.
You've got me dancing,
You make me sing.
You move me.
Now I take delight in every little thing,
because you move me.
Yeah, Walter, with whom I have been half
in love for the better part of the last year, came to visit and
in visiting, freed me of so much baggage. He and I will never
be more than the good friends that we are, and that's fine. When
I knew he was coming to visit, I saw two plausible ways for the
weekend to end. There was a third option also, but not a plausible
one. Option one was that I would feel nothing at all aside from
deep and abiding friendship for him. I dreaded this because it
would have served as confirmation of my worst fears about James.
Option two was that I would still have stronger feelings for poor
Wally, and that was a much more comfortable option in many ways
and at the same time much worse. I wasn't sure what to hope for,
honestly. I was scared of one, but didn't want the complication
of two. Three would have been nice, but is just so highly unlikely
that I didn't consider it really. Two seems to have won the day,
and I think I am well pleased with it, though I am sorry to have
increased the awkwardness factor with one of my best friends.
Thanks Walter.
