09/27/05
01. Atari Jaguar video game console
I've been searching for one of these for a while now, and America's Thrift Store again came through for me today, wriggling its way further into my heart as one of the top thrift stores in Baton Rouge or New Orleans.
Released in the Fall of 1993 as "the first 64-bit gaming system," the Jaguar was a console that could've been decent, but poor 3rd party support and lackluster (and often just plain pathetic) games hurt its image, as did the perception that it wasn't a "true" 64-bit system; the 64-bit tag came from the fact that it ran two 32-bit processors in parallel - a situation similar to the Turbografx-16 which ran two 8-bit processors in the same manner and suffered from the same stigma. All told, the Jaguar was a miserable failure for Atari and signaled its exit from the console market.
So why did I buy it? Well, for the sake of simplicity and my grammatical laziness, here's a list of reasons:
1. Simple answer: I collect gaming consoles. I especially enjoy finding obscure or poorly-received, "failed" consoles.
2. There actually were a few excellent games made for the Jaguar, some of the more popular ones being Tempest 2000, Alien vs. Predator and Missile Command 3D. I really want to play Tempest 2000; the original Tempest arcade game from the early 80s was a balls-out thrill ride, and everyone raves about the Jaguar update.
3. It was only five bucks, or 2% of its original price of $250.
4. Anything with the Atari logo on it looks intensely cool and is worth buying, whether it be an old console system or a hardened piece of canine fecal matter. JUST LOOK AT IT, PEOPLE! I dunno. Being born in 1977 does weird things to a person.
02. Tiger Electronic Toys Playmaker Football handheld game
I can't find any information on when exactly this came out, but it looks early 80s to me and definitely came out before the ubiquitous Tiger LCD handhelds which rose to popularity in the late 80s and early 90s. Features include: 2-color LED display (red and green - one for each team), PASS and KICK buttons, bleepy sound effects, scoreboard display, instant replay function, and even a half time show. As primitive as this thing is, Tiger put a lot of effort into it and included all sorts of little perks to make it feel as much like real football as they could, given the technology. They were even thoughtful enough to include a BATTERY ELIMINATOR, which is just another way of saying it has a 9V AC jack. This comes in handy, as this thing takes six AA batteries - and mine has no battery cover. $1.95 at ATS.
03. Super Mouse 9999-in-1 handheld game system
Okay, I think we all know this thing doesn't actually contain 9,999 different games, but the "X-in-1" label is standard practice among cheap and bootleg game systems. The Super Mouse has an LCD screen composed of blocky Tetris-like pixels, beepy sound effects along with a few tunes, and features these games:
A. A rudimentary version of Atari's Combat featuring only tanks and no obstacles. The more enemy tanks you destroy, the more appear on the screen.
B. A rudimentary - let's just assume these are all rudimentary, okay? - version of Frogger, sans car-dodging part.
C. I cannot for the life of me figure out what the hell this game is.
D. The classic game of Snakes, but with only one snake. Also known as "nibbles.bas" for you qBasic users.
E. A decent Breakout clone.
F. The best way I can describe this game is: the most basic form of Galaga you can imagine. Featuring blocks.
G. The preview animation (which is shown above the letter and number of each game when scrolling through them) for this one depicts a dancing stick figure, but once the game starts it's just a bunch of random blocks pipping and popping about, then you die. Huh?
H. You're a block that has to shoot tons of advancing blocks. Kind of like Centipede if there were no spiders and the mushrooms slowly descended and it wasn't any fun at all.
I. Racing game where the cars look like splayed stick figures. Appropriately annoying engine sound effects.
J. Same set-up as the last game, but instead of racing against other cars, you shoot advancing Tetris blocks.
Each game has a few different selectable modes that change things like screen orientation, speed and difficulty. Y'know, with no company markings or trademarks anywhere on this thing, you'd think Anonymous Chinese Sweatshop could've went ahead and put a bootleg version of Tetris on it. This thing was made for Tetris! Maybe I just haven't been able to find it yet. And now, a closer look at the man himself. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you SUPER MOUSE:
Cute, isn't he? By the way, that "Rotate Direction" button is a Tetris red herring - it just changes screen orientation and acts as a "fire" button. Still, something tells me Tetris is actually on this thing somewhere - the screen layout is just too similar. Plus, there's even what appears to be a "next piece" box on the upper right side of the screen which doesn't really do much in the games I've listed. Maybe if I just fiddle with it some more...
Other Super Mouse features include: calculator, sound on/off button, reset button, pause button (which displays a little graphic of a cup of tea in the bottom right corner of the screen when activated), auto screen shut-off when paused for a certain amount of time, translucent green shell, and the word "EXCITING" just above the top of the screen. 59 cents at ATS.
04. Doctor Blight action figure
If I can be creepily geeky for a second here, Dr. Blight was the hottest member of the Captain Planet rogues gallery. She had all the signature features of a villainous cartoon babe: a tight-fitting jumpsuit, a sexy voice, sociopathic tendencies, and a hideous facial deformity - the latter covered up with her stylish swoop hairdo. To Tiger Electronics' (makers of the Captain Planet action figure line) credit, they actually molded and painted her facial scars, but I'd have to tear off her swoop to get a good picture of them. 10 cents at ATS.
05. Disney's The Haunted Mansion singing bust
Press the button on this McDonald's Happy Meal toy and a chorus of voices sing a line that at first sounded to me like "We three ghosts cannot be socialized." After a little research, it turns out they're saying "Creepy ghosts come out to socialize." Due to the paint job, this thing actually looks like a miniature bust and as such makes me appear to be a cultured, high-brow type to people who see it on my desk.
At least until they see the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tissue paper and Saved By The Bell board game nearby. 10 cents at ATS.
© 2005 seawall
