Chain Letters

Before you forward that chain letter, consider this:

Dear Friend,

    This is not a chain letter. It was not started decades ago in The Netherlands, nor was it perpetrated centuries ago by some deranged monk on Easter Island (which is highly unlikely in the first place, since EMACS only works on smart display terminals, and they weren't available on Easter Island back then, due largely to the U.S. state department's vigorous ban on exportation of advanced technology to deranged monks on equatorial islands).

    There is no luck associated with this letter. Hence, it is pointless to send five copies of this letter to people you like. In fact, it is vigorously discouraged, since, by sending this letter through the postal service, you are needlessly burdening an already overworked system. You also increase the chance of the postal service losing mail. Murphy's Law will take effect here, resulting in your letter being delivered the next day, and a Red Cross package to a needy individual in Zimbabwe to be accidentally re-routed to Hackensack, New Jersey, thus becoming lost forever. You do not stand a chance, however, of displacing any junk mail.

    If you break the chain, and fail to send five copies of this letter to other unfortunate individuals, then absolutely nothing extraordinary will happen to you. If, on the other hand, you do propagate five copies of this letter, then absolutely nothing extraordinary will happen to you, either.

A friend.

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THE MOTHER OF ALL CHAIN LETTERS

    Congratulations, you have received THE MOTHER OF ALL CHAIN LETTERS! This letter has been to every corner of the civilized world (and New Jersey) It has rounded the earth 80 Zillion times and has also been reported by satellites to be orbiting Mercury. It has been read by Kings, Queens, Princes, Sultans, Emperors, Presidents and All the Presidents Men...and now it has been passed to you (ironic, isn't it?)

    The History of the Letter:

    This chain letter was started nine hundred years ago by an obscure German monk named Brother Shlongus of Klinsbrukken who reputedly lived all alone on a mountain with none but his sheep for company. After many years of living on said mountain, legend has it, Brother Shlongus went insane and decided that he would make it life's work to pester the people of nearby villages with annoying chain mail and also to perfect a way to tie-dye sheep. While unsuccessful in his second effort (the sheep would turn a nasty green color and then die), Brother Shlongus met with quite a bit of success. As a result of the chain mail, the warring Village-States of Drofdem and Ellivremos put down their weapons and made peace when they realized that who they should REALLY be fighting against is that asshole on the mountain. So the two mighty Village-States banded together the peoples of other villages who were equally annoyed by the letters and formed a Mob of epic proportions. Armed with torches and sharp sticks, they made their way up the mountain in a disorganized weaving mobby fashion, tied up Brother Shlongus and cast him into the sea. The sheep were taken back and put up in a nice sheep foster-home. Two years later, Mongol hordes invaded the region and slaughtered everyone but Brother Shlongus' letter survived and has been passed on since.

    ...Now it is your turn to be a part of a historical tradition. Make seven copies of this letter and send it to your seven bestest buddies (or more if you're feeling particularly generous). After this is accomplished, write the name of your favorite Smurf on your left hand, stand outside on one leg and recite the magic words of the letter while chewing on a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup (candy of a non-peanut- butter nature can be substituted in the case of a medical condition.) If you follow the above instructions, in three days you will be brought good luck by a sheep. If not...beware!! This is not a joke. Many other chain letters promise good luck...they are full of shit. Only this letter truly has the power to make your deepest sheep-oriented wishes come true. Just look at some of these amazing true stories:

    Some Amazing True Stories of the Letter:

    60 Million satisfied customers can't be wrong so act NOW! Send the copies, do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight! May the spirit of Shlongus be with you forever....

Get Rich - Quick and Easy!

    Like many other people, I always ignored these posts, but the other week, when I was down on my luck, I tried the information contained herein, and benefited enormously. Within days I had more cars than I knew what to do with, more women than money could buy, and was eating more healthily than ever before. All because I could make sandwiches fast.

!!READ ON, AND YOU TOO COULD BENEFIT FROM THIS AMAZING SCHEME!!

1. You should purchase * sliced * bread.

2. Buy * easy-to-spread * butter or margarine.

3. Obtain cheese * slices * and * sandwich pickle *.

    Firstly take two slices of bread. Butter each with a knife (or the handle of a spoon if you are pushed for time). Place a slice of cheese on * one piece * of bread, spread some pickle over this (again, you can use either a knife or a spoon handle). Put the other slice of bread on top. You now have a quickly prepared sandwich. You have a variety of options at this stage:

1. Eat it.

2. Wrap in cellophane, and put aside for later.

3. Give it to a friend as an original/unusual birthday present.

4. Throw it away (useful if you dislike cheese).

    There you have it. Astonishing but true. See how easy it is!?!?

    I am currently marketing a video showing you in more detail how you can go about doing this. It only costs $19.95 - - a small price to pay for the astounding change your lifestyle with obtain.

Regards,

/* --- Ex ignorantia ad sapientiam; e luce ad tenebras --- */

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    Hi, I'm Dave Rhodes, and I'm in jail.

    Just six months ago, I was in dire financial straits. My car and house had been repossessed, my phone was disconnected, my family had left me, I had creditors hounding me daily, and I was on the verge of bankruptcy.

    Then, I hit upon one of the most amazing schemes for making quick money that I had ever thought of. I would start a pyramid scheme and make it sound legal with some details about creating and maintaining mailing lists. It wasn't necessary to dream up anything too plausible, just enough to fool a significant portion of the population. I made up a reasonable sounding flyer and used a friend's computer to post it to one of the computer bulletin boards. I took out five post office boxes in different cities and made up four other names so that the first five contributions all went to me.

    To say the least, the response was overwhelming. I was a millionaire overnight. You see, the way these things work, if everyone sends the letter to twenty other people, and those twenty each send the letter to twenty more, it doesn't take more than a few iterations before the recipient list includes everyone on the planet. Only the first ten or fifteen people ever see any money, and I was all of the first five!

    The number of greedy people who use computers and don't understand basic math exceeded my expectations by several orders of magnitude. My original note was posted on many computer bulletin boards, including something called the internet, and response was overwhelming. Some of them didn't even have the sense to put their own name on the list!

    As the money poured in, I thought my problems were solved for life. As it turns out, they were only beginning. I found out that the same geometric progression that made me rich had one major drawback. Since literally millions of people would see my message, the chances of someone reporting it to the police was a virtual certainty. As word got around via the same computer bulletin boards that carried my original message, more and more people complained to the authorities.

    Soon, I was arrested and charged with fraud. My money was confiscated under the federal racketeering laws, so I could not even afford an attorney. Many of the first people to take advantage of my scheme were also arrested.

    Still, my original message continued to propagate throughout computer bulletin boards everywhere. A substantial number of copies got sent through regular mail, which caused more and more federal charges to be applied to me and those early participants. In my own way, I have become quite a celebrity.

    These days, I no longer have creditors bothering me, I don't have to worry about housing or basic necessities, I'm entertained, and I have a good friend Bruno who takes care of me. I have everything I really need, and although Bruno hurts me sometimes, I'm mostly satisfied with my life.

    During her last visit, my court appointed attorney said that practically every day someone new was arrested for trying to participate in my scheme, even long after my own arrest was publicized. In this way, my original opinion, that there are enough morons in the world to make yourself fabulously rich, is confirmed again and again.

    So, with this in mind, Bruno and I have started a small enterprise here in prison that you should know about. It requires only a minor expenditure on your part and can make you wealthy beyond your wildest dreams.

Please follow these instructions exac@#~s8

-`15ht@#&fge

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    Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion f'ing chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you?

    Ooooh, look here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, every Playboy model in the magazine will lay me! What a bunch of BS.

    Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2005, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

F them.

    If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

    Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

Chain Letter Type 1:

    Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!! (you loser)

Chain Letter Type 2

    Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goat less Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

    Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent And this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you Accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type 3

    Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

    Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had Recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!

    Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and Ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend . They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!!

    Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your (soon to be former) friends, and everything will be okay.

    IMPORTANT NOTE: If you send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on you today at 7pm.

    If you still want to forward that chain letter, your too stupid for me to help you. Seek counseling.

    Perhaps you are a Francophile as well?  Idiots that forward chain letters often are.