It
is interesting that our pastor just recently wrote a short on pondering. I
looked up the meaning of Ponder and it is as follows: “to consider carefully:
to think about something carefully over a period of time” and it’s synonyms
were, “consider, think about, think over, contemplate, deliberate, wonder
about, muse, brood over, mull over, meditate upon and weigh up.” He had stated
that Christmastime should be a time to ponder…family, friends, food &
festivities. He spoke of the angel coming to Mary, telling her she was going to
have a baby, our Savior, Jesus, and he spoke of the pondering that Mary did as
she faced her future. It was then that I did some pondering myself. I wondered
if Mary could have possibly asked questions such as, “how am I going to handle
this?”, “will I be the mother I am called to be?”, “just how long will
he be with me?”, “how will my family feel about this?”. I cannot even
imagine what it would have been like to be the earthly mother to Jesus, but I
can imagine her love for him because she knew he was different…special…a
miracle and she simply loved him. Though we can truly rejoice in the fact that
Jesus rose again and gave us the gift of eternal life, I think about how
terribly difficult it must have been for Mary to see her son die, to witness his
pain and suffering and feeling the helplessness she must have felt. I had never
thought quite so much about these things before…she must have been quite a
woman.
As I sit and wonder what to do with all my time now that Matthew has passed away, I ponder many things. I think about the last 5 years of my life and what it entailed. I think about the first ultrasound that showed that something was not quite right and about the day I found out that my unborn baby had a rare disorder when I was 4 months pregnant. I ponder my decision to have him and all the things that came with that decision. Sometimes, I feel strangely like Mary. I too, had news that my son was going to be different. I also knew that the road ahead was not going to be easy no matter what. The pastor went on to write that it was through the pondering that Mary could stand by the cross to endure such pain. I believe that the Lord helped me to ponder early on what lied ahead…helping me to get through each day, not knowing what the next would bring all the time unaware of how I was being stretched and molded. I ponder now, looking back upon my time with Matthew, realizing that the Lord used Matthew to answer prayers I prayed long before he was born…to be happy with the way things were, to have more patience, to have more love…more unconditional love. Hellen Keller once said, “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved” and I must agree. Though I am nowhere near complete and I know that there will be many trials to face in the future, I also know the Lord is faithful in his promises and will continue to grow me, guide me and grant me peace through whatever there is to come. I pray that I will continue to ponder throughout life, because it is in the pondering that God reveals himself and his promises to us, to prove to us that he will again because he has before.
In
memory of our beloved Matthew Rudy Koscak 09/13/01 – 10/24/06
Who
through his presence, touched the lives of so many.
He had a smile from here to eternity, loved so unconditionally and truly gave life his all!