My Pal, Cal
an original screenplay
(in five acts)

ACT ONE
Open on an apartment. Calvin Coolidge is reading the newspaper, while his roommate is baking cookies.
Announcer: My Pal, Cal is filmed before a live studio audience.
Roommate: Hey, Cal. Can you go down to the store and pick up some eggs?
Coolidge: It's not my responsibility to do so.
Roommate: It wasn't your responsibility to lower income tax either, but that didn't seem to stop you.
Coolidge: All right! All right! I'll go to the store!
He throws down his newspaper, and storms out of the room.

ACT TWO
Coolidge is shown walking along the street. A man comes up to him, bleeding profusely.
Man: You need to help me! I got my arm caught in a thresher, and I will bleed to death if you do not call for medical assistance!
Coolidge starts to walk away.
Man: Well, look at mister high-and-mighty. Who died and made you president?
Coolidge: Warren G. Harding.
Man: Oh yeah.

ACT THREE
Coolidge enters a grocery store, and an employee approaches him.
Employee: Good day, President Coolidge. May I help you find anything? Perhaps a pickle, since you were weaned on one?
Coolidge glares at him.
Employee: I guess they don't call him "Silent" Cal for nothing.

ACT FOUR
We see Coolidge returning home, egg in hand. He happens upon a young girl.
Girl: Mister President. My kitty cat is stuck in the twee. Please, please help rescue my kitty cat.
Coolidge: Well, it's like this, little girl. As much as I would like to save your cat, I'm a very busy man, what with restoring integrity to the office of president and whatnot. So I'm afraid I can't help you.
Girl: I hate you Cal!

ACT FIVE
Coolidge returns to his apartment.
Roommate: Did you get the eggs?
Coolidge: Yes.
Coolidge drops the eggs, and they break. His roommate shrugs.
Roommate: That's my Cal!

CURTAIN

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