Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor: I recently had the displeasure of reading your publication, "The Informant," or, as I call it, "The In-Bore-Mant." Not a single article piqued my interest even remotely, and what little talent your staff possesses is completely wasted, as you write almost exclusively about issues that are of no relevance to anyone. Your magazine contained no less than two mundane situational comedies about famous historical figures (John Locke and Calvin Coolidge), one about simple geometry, and one about bicycle safety. Formulaic and inane, these so-called "comedies" just drag on and on. Punch lines are nowhere evident, and the repetitious dialogue is punctuated throughout by equally pointless stage directions (The bike turns into a piņata? Give me a break!). Additionally, the article entitled "The British are Coming" appears to concern itself with a non-existent band, though nowhere is this made clear in the article. In fact, the entire magazine appears to be one large inside joke. Articles lapse into and out of sarcasm without anything to clue us in. The next time you determine to write something, I suggest that you ask yourself who it is that you are writing for, and consider just for one second the mind-numbing tedium to which you are subjecting your readers.

Dear Reader: Your response has been duly noted.

Dear Editor: I recently spilled cheese sauce on my favorite jacket. I was hoping that you might be able to give me some advice on how to remove the stain.

Dear Reader: Here is the proper treatment: Remove as much of the cheese sauce as possible with a dry cloth. Pre-treat the area with a stain remover, and wash the article in warm water. Do not dry the garment. Mix one tablespoon of ammonia with one half cup of water. Treat the stain with this solution, and then wash once more. The stain should come out, but if it does not, use a vinegar solution, with one third of a cup of vinegar to one cup of water. If all fails, you may want to take the jacket to a professional dry cleaner. I hope this helps!

Dear Editor: There is this boy in my math class, "Alex." I am in love with him, but he is dating my best friend, "Sarah." I kissed him once at a party, and Sarah never found out. Another time, I followed them to a movie, and I hooked up with him when he left her to go to the bathroom. I don't want to sour my friendship with Sarah, but I really like this boy. We have so much in common. We're in the same math class, and we both like Smallville (even though he doesn't get to watch it much, since he has basketball practice on Tuesday nights). Alex has a bit of a reputation as a "player," but he is always really sweet to me, and tries to put his hand up my shirt. I think this means he likes me. Should I tell him how I feel?

Dear Reader: John Greenleaf Whittier once said, "For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: 'It might have been!'" The fact is, neither you nor Alex can possibly know where your relationship will go, and you never will, unless you take a chance. Sarah will get over the fact that you stole her boyfriend, and if she doesn't, then she wasn't a true friend in the first place. People say that Alex is a player, but you don't know this for a fact. Since Alex has shown an interest in you over his current girlfriend, he will probably be faithful to you. P.S. Congratulations on getting felt up before the first date. This Alex sounds like a keeper!

Dear Editor: In these troubled times, our nation must chart a clear and concise course of action. The United States has long been an example for fledgling nations, and we will continue to be such for some time to come.
With this in mind, there is one issue that is of utmost importance to me, as it should be to most Americans. That issue is rocket cars. Our government must allocate more funding to cars that can travel faster than the speed of sound!
Some will argue that our budget would be better allocated for education, roads, defense, or tax cuts. These people are wrong.
Think of how convenient it would be to travel in a rocket car! Why, I could go down to the store in a matter of seconds!
Sure, traveling at such enormous speeds would do little to alleviate traffic woes, and would likely create more problems than it would solve, but we can worry about those when they arise.
The government has money to blow! I mean, they can even print their own if they run out. With this in mind, I propose that the government earmark the relatively modest sum of three hundred billion dollars annually for the sole purpose of developing rocket cars.
The obvious benefit of rocket cars would be the very fast, nearly instant transit time between destinations, not to mention the great honor of being the first country to make rocket cars available to the general public. Rocket cars are the future, and the sooner we stop denying that, the sooner we can maintain our status as a world superpower, and that's what best for all Americans.
Those Germans think they're so tough with their "autobahn." It's high time we show them! No maximum speed limit? Poppycock, I say! On our freeways, we will need a minimum speed limit. Say around four hundred miles an hour, or whatever the speed of sound is.
Please join me in the demand to sacrifice our safety for convenience. It is your patriotic duty to do so. Thank you, and God bless America. (I'm still going to say "God," no matter what those sissy liberal tree-huggers say!)
Sincerely,
John Q. Patriot

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