A Shocking Expose
by Mr. X

I am currently in possession of facts that will undoubtedly expose the seedy underbelly of Santana High School; the secrets that "they" do not want you to know. Due to the incriminating nature of these revelations, it is for my own safety that I must conceal my identity thusly. There are people, to be sure, that would rather have this information left unsaid, but I can no longer, with clear conscience, allow this lie to continue. It is not for fame, recognition, or monetary reward that I now put pencil to paper, but simply a desire to finally put things right.
Allow me to speak bluntly: The welcome back assembly "scream-off" was a hoax. Before the "competition" even started (and I use the term very loosely, since all competitive aspects of the scream-off were eliminated), the outcome was known.
I have in my hands the sworn testimonies of more than two dozen high school seniors who swear that, even before entering the gymnasium, they were certain that the senior class would ultimately emerge the victors.
Furthermore, more than fifty students (each one an upstanding young scholar) report that the junior class clearly generated a higher level of noise than the seniors (the "winning" class, or so the judges would have us think). Of these fifty, more than half are seniors themselves. Are we to actually believe that so many students would betray their own class, were their statements not true? Can we really deceive ourselves into thinking that all fifty of these students were simply mistaken; that to these select students, some miracle of acoustics made it such that a noise actually gained volume as it moved away from the source? Some of these students were situated farther away from the junior class than they were the seniors! The pieces simply don't fit!
Added to this, the seniors resorted to unfair and illegal methods of increasing their total noise output, which should have led to disqualification. The juniors operated entirely within the confines of the rules of the competition, screaming "We feel good. Oh we feel so good," then making a pelvic thrust while boldly declaring "Uh!" Their message was clear, and in spite of their large numbers (though not as large as the senior class), their feelings were conveyed in a manner which was clearly interpreted by all. The seniors, on the other hand, resorted to the cheap, unsportsmanlike, and bullying tactics of simply screaming; even using noisemakers! To an observer, who had not been informed of what was being said, there is no reasonable possibility that the message could be understood. In fact, following the seniors' poor display, I had one concerned member of the audience lean over to me and ask "What did they say?"
I say that we must not stand for this travesty! I, for one, will not rest until a formal retraction is issued by all guilty parties, and the juniors are given their rightful position as loudest class! Or until some other cause catches my fancy. Y'know, whatever.

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