Four Jokes about Improvisation
as told to me by an anonymous member of Boy Scout Troop 349

John Henry was out working on the railroad, pounding spikes into the rails. His wife came out of her house and yelled, "Honey, it's time to make pancakes," so John Henry went inside, where he made the batter and fried the pancakes. Then his wife said, "Honey, it's time to make eggs," so he got a dozen eggs, cracked them, and fried them in a skillet. Then his wife said, "Honey, it's time to make sausage," and John Henry said, "But we don't have any sausage." His wife said, "Improvise," so he unzipped his pants and pulled out his wiener, then put it on the frying pan.

A man walked into a bar, where he saw a woman bartender. She asked, "What do you want?" and he said, "I want you," so she punched him and said, "Get a grip." Again, she asked for his drink order, but he said, "I want you," and she punched him a second time, again instructing him to get a grip. She then changed her mind, and pulled a paper snowflake from her mouth. She had used her teeth to cut it into letters which spelled out the phrase, "Do me."

Elvis Schmiedekamp (the Head of Customer Service for Cal Fed bank) was planning to deliver a speech about banking to an audience of schoolchildren. He did not know that he was speaking to an unruly bunch of juvenile delinquents at a reform school, and they soon began pelting him with objects. He looked to a teacher for help, but she simply said, "Improvise." Schmiedekamp said, "I'll improvise just like John Henry," and proceeded to unzip his pants and pull out his wiener.

The bartender was leaving church when a frog hopped up to her and said, "I want to jump." The lady said, "Get a grip," and punched the frog. A dog then walked by and said, "I want to jump." The lady again said, "Get a grip," and punched the dog. As the dog was walking away, a homeless man approached and asked the lady for money. "I am a Vietnam veteran," he said, "but my housecat abused me and kicked me out of the house." The bartender said to the homeless veteran, "You have problems." The homeless man pulled a paper snowflake out of his mouth, which he had made to read, "Do me or pay." In response, the lady removed a paper snowflake from her mouth, which read, "Get a grip." She then said, “I'll get a grip on your neck,” and began to choke the homeless man. Not expecting this response, he panicked, and said to himself, "I need to improvise. I'll improvise just like John Henry." He unzipped his pants and pulled out his wiener.

Main