Punchlines from a Book Entitled "A Collection of Maine Humor," Which Lead Me to Believe That Maine May Be the Most Humorless State in the Union

He put another lobster on the scale, looked me real good, and said, "Seldom."
"Yep, but it ain't same folks doing it."
He looked at her real hard and said, "Well, if it don't, you're going to get the worst ducking you ever got."
The owner said, "Gol darn, if that ain't the first time I ever seen her do that."
He kept pushing and said, "I ain't got no time for time today."
"Won't have after Labor Day."
Those fellows will pull your leg plumb out of the socket if you're not careful.
The old-timer yelled down, "Peanut butta."
"Guess you can. But I figure they got plenty of them up there."
He yelled back, "Ain't so bad if you know where you're goin'!" and off he gunned her and was out of hearing before we could catch him.
"Eight lobsters!" he said. "Bring them up to the house and set her out again!"
Finally, one of the fellows leaned over to the other and said, "He'll fetch it next time."
"By gar, I think there's somethin' in your blood that isn't there."
"So, I guess you could say Tuesday was my best day."
"Bout half."
One of the older voters got up and said, "Don't make much sense to me. Nobody in there can get out, and nobody out wants to git in."
"Nope," sez Ben, "I'll wait till after the police come."
The farmer said, "Yup, I had a truck like that once but got rid of it."
"Well," sez Johnny, "we've had a mighty dry spring."
He looked at her and said, "For Christ sake, I just got heah."
He said, "Already blessed it three times!"
"No thanks, ma'am, I git me vittles to home."
"Gol darn it, you can't get there from here."
"Just like it's always been...one per person."
"On the casket."
"I s'pose it was when your wife ran off with the postmasteh."
"We think so, but we haven't been able to prove nawthin' on him yet."
"Fred, I'll tell ya, if you gave me a stick of white pine and a sharp knife, I could have whittled you a better lookin' baby."
"And, you know, if he hadn't been such a darned good swimmer, he woulda drowned."
"Bout 26,000 miles, the way you're going."
"Yup," muttered Noah, "but just barely."
"No, not lest you can remember their names."
The first old lady replied, "I'm pushing eighty-seven myself. Hardly pays us to walk back to town!"
"Nope," said the boy, "I found me a better way."
Whereupon Fred replied, "Sonny, if you think you done her any good, I'll be glad to pay ya for it!"
"I bet his paw like that."
"By gar, I think you crazy. You could use them on the other side."
"Thank ye, Abbey, where's his mittens?"
"Always et what I war amind to."

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