Uncle Sam Teaches Us the Difference Between Capitalism and Cannibalism
an original screenplay
by Caitlin

Scene opens with a man in a cheesy Uncle Sam costume standing before a group of about twelve kindergarten-aged kids. He holds a pointing stick and behind him is a chalkboard with the words "Capitalism" and "Cannibalism" written in large letters.
Uncle Sam: Hi kids. Today, we're going to learn about two fun new words - (pointing to each word as he says them slowly and exaggeratedly) CAPITALISM and CANNIBALISM. Now, people mix these words up a lot. The do sound alike, don't they?
Kids nod.
Sam: Ok, first we'll learn about capitalism. It's a big word, so let's practice saying it together.
They proceed to do so.
Sam: Good! Now repeat after me - it's better to give a hand up than a handout.
The kids repeat.
Sam: Very good! Capitalism always reminds me of a famous proverb. You see, capitalism is like this: if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. But if you force him to compete with hundreds of other fisherman, with no intervention that would ensure that nobody ends up with lots and lots of fish while others get none, he may or may not have what it takes to be among the few that eat their fill and much, much more, while everyone else is left scrambling for what pitiful scraps of leftover bones and innards they can get their hands on. Neat, huh?
Kids nod.
Kid #1: (raising his hand) Why don't we just provide the education needed, free of charge, to teach the man how to fish, or at least have some sort of government intervention to regulate the fish market so we can guarantee that no one group of people reaps the majority of the fishing profit and that everyone can have a big enough share of the benefits that they won't starve or be driven out of business?
Sam: Because that would be giving him a handout. And what did we just learn?
Kids: It's better to give a hand up than a handout.
Sam: Right! Hey kids...guess what time it is!
Kids: (yelling) What time is it?
Sam: It's Sing-A-Long Time!
Kids: Yaaayyy!!!
Sam: Alright, we're going to learn a new song today! It's called "My Friend Capitalism".
Piano starts up, playing "Mary Had A Little Lamb". Uncle Sam points to the lyrics on a chalkboard as he and the children sing:

Capitalism is my friend,
is my friend,
is my friend.
Capitalism is my friend
'Cause Uncle Sam said so.

And if I hear any commie talk,
Commie talk,
Commie talk.
And if I hear any commie talk,
I'll let the authorities know.

'Cause that's how to be a patriot,
A patriot,
A patriot.
Yes, that's how to be a patriot.
McCarthy told us so.

Sam: (in a reverential tone, head bowed) Yes, McCarthy did tell us so... (looking upward and making the sign of the trinity) God bless the crazy bastard!
Sam wipes a tear from his eye.
Sam: Now that we've learned about that wonderful, loving friend we call Capitalism, let's talk about an evil, merciless, bloodsucking, terrible, infectious disease-of-an-enemy: Communism.
There's a short pause.
Sam: I-I mean Cannibalism.
There's another pause in which Uncle Sam shifts nervously and looks around suspiciously.
Sam: Cannibalism is when someone eats another person's tasty, tasty flesh.
Sam pauses to clear his throat.
Sam: Probably the most famous cannibal is Jeffrey Dahmer.
Kid #1: (hand raised) I was under the impression that Dahmer was primarily a necrophiliac, not a cannibal, and that he kept portions of his victims because, like many serial killers, he desired a sort of trophy for his killings... a souvenir, if you will. Plus, he didn't know what to do with the corpses, which is why he took to eating them, and seldom so. That's what I heard, anyway.
Uncle Sam just stares blankly at the kid for a few seconds.
Sam: Yes, that's nice. So we've all heard of the famous cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer, right? He's living proof of how evil and bad cannibalism is.
Kid #1: (raising his hand) Actually, Dahmer died in 1994. He was attacked and stabbed to death in prison.
Sam: (angrily) You know, for someone who knows so much about communists, I-I mean cannibals, you really ought to watch yourself.
Kid shrinks down and looks frightened.
Sam: Now, let's review what we've learned today. Repeat after me.
He points to "Capitalism = Good" written on the chalkboard.
Sam: Capitalism...good.
Kids repeat. He points to "Communism = Bad".
Sam: Communism...bad.
Kids repeat.
Kid #1: (hand raised) Weren't we discussing the difference between capitalism and cannibalism?
Sam: (gruffly, irritated) Yes. Yes we were.
He proceeds to erase the word "Communism" from the chalkboard, then looks off-camera and quickly shakes his head "no" as if to denote that the plan failed.
Sam: I know we've all had fun learning these new and exciting things today, but now it's time to say goodbye...
Kids: Awwwww!!!
Sam: I know, I know. But your government will always be with you, no matter where you are. Now before we go, let's remind the kids at home what good Americans do if they ever hear their friends or parents or teachers saying bad things about America and it's government, or promoting the communist agenda.
Kid #2: (raising hand) We give the proper authorities their names and addresses so they can't hurt anyone else.
Sam: That's right! Be sure to always be on the lookout for subversive behavior and stay safe. See you next week, kids! Goodbye!

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