The Spirit of Christmas My dears. I was most recently at a mall spreading Christmas cheer among the throngs of holiday shoppers. Christmas is such a wonderful holiday, especially in America. Americans have turned a sacred religious holiday into the most blasphemous display of commercialism that the world has ever seen. The season of peace and joy has become the season of stress and depression. And the miracle of the virgin birth is replaced by the miracle of a jolly old elf riding a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer who visits every house in the world in a single night. Oh, with all the running around buying gifts, putting up decorations, making cookies, and dreading another holiday spent with your relatives no one has time to think about Jesus. Christmas is such a wonderful time of year.
I have my own way of spreading Christmas cheer. I dress up as one of Santa's elves and, oh, you should see my costume. It covers less than Tinkerbell's. I get such a thrill out of putting naughty thoughts into the head's of the children's fathers. A whole year of being nice to their wives disappears with one lustful look and they all end up with lumps of coal in their stockings. What a shame. Anyway, as I was saying, I dress up as one of Santa's elves and indoctrinate the innocent young children into the church of greed. Well, today's children aren't really that innocent. If you've seen the way that they wheel and deal when trading Pokémon cards you'd know that they're no strangers to greed. So I just whisper in their ears, "Tell Santa what you want for Christmas." and I put them on Santa's lap and I watch them sell their souls to devil incarnate.
I know, it's obvious. Santa is an anagram for Satan. But he's not really Satan. He's a watered down version of Satan for children to worship. The red suit is a dead giveaway but you'd be surprised how few parents catch on. When they become adults their parents tell them that Santa isn't real and they soon turn to Satan. It's one of our most evil conspiracies. It's the big let down that turns them bad. I know that Bill Gates was devastated when he found out that Santa wasn't real, and look how wonderful he's turned out.
So what's a good Christian parent to do? The answer is in the Bible. Beat your children. When they whine and complain and beg you for toys and games you beat them with a rod...
"He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." - Proverbs 13:24.
"Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. If you beat him with the rod you will save his life from Sheol (hell)." - Proverbs 23:13-14.
And if you need money, you can sell your daughter into slavery. Just don't let me catch you doing that or you'll learn all about slavery with me as your teacher.
The Bible says that beating your child with a rod is how to keep him out of hell. It isn't. It just turns his life into a living hell. And there's something more that the Bible doesn't mention. Beating your children is the fastest way for you to end up in hell. We have a special part of hell for child abusers. We lock each of them in a cold, dark room all alone. And every night for all eternity they get a visit from a drunken angry man twice their size with a rod in his hands. And after he lifts his rod high over his head, but before he starts swinging it he says, "I'm doing this for your own good.".
It's not a part of hell that we like to talk about much, but some people need to be reminded of it every now and then. I know it's not a part of hell that you will ever visit. There are much better parts of hell for you and your children. Would you like to make a reservation?
See you in your darkest dreams, dears.