God Makes the Laws and then God Breaks the Laws My dears. Recently I was attending one of the trials we hold in the underworld. Yes, we have many trials. It’s because we have so many lawyers down here. We had to find something to do with them all. Mostly they serve as jurors. It drives them crazy. Even though they’re lawyers they don’t like to listen to other lawyers giving them a load of crap. They’d much rather be the ones giving the jury a load of crap. They turn green with envy. Yes, it’s cruel. And we sequester them in the worst hotels with almost no money to buy food with. They bicker with each other for all eternity. It’s a suitable punishment indeed.
The trial I was attending was to determine the guilt of Adolf Hitler. You’d be surprised how many lawyers were falling all over themselves for a chance to get him off. Well, then again maybe you wouldn’t. Lawyers are so despicable. The one we let defend him made us a sincere offer. He sold us his mother’s soul. That was a touching gesture but we made him throw in his wife and children too. He agreed without hesitation. But I digress. Watching the trial made me think about where all the laws began. They began with God. But then, God doesn’t obey his own laws. He’s such a hypocrite. Allow me to tell you all about His transgressions…
THOU SHALT NOT KILL Oh dear. God has killed more people than anyone in history. Whether He’s doing it himself, or commanding His worshippers to do it for Him, He’s responsible for more death than all people combined. He’s practically like some cosmic exterminator. He loves to drown people, like the pharaoh’s men or "every living thing that I have made I will blot out from the face of the earth" when he did the great flood. It’s as if he was flushing the human race down the toilet. And then there was Sodom and Gomorrah, talk about roach motels for sinners. It just goes on and on. People are like ants to Him, and He looks down upon the earth holding a magnifying glass over them, scorching the ones that make Him angry. It’s really pathetic when you think about it.
Then there’s all the times he’s commanded people to kill in his name. Samson killed people when the "spirit of the lord" came upon him. God commanded the Israelites to commit genocide against everyone in Israel when they arrived. God even helped Joshua to kill all his enemies by stopping the sun in the sky for half a day. God loves to kill sinners. It’s His favorite past time. And since He decides what’s a sin, He can kill whomever He wants to. Now that’s hardly fair.
And some call him a god of love. It is to laugh.
THOU SHALT NOT STEAL The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. I believe that says it all. The Lord is an angry and jealous God. He’s not above taking things away from people. He does it all the time. Whether he’s snatching a rib from Adam (after making him fall asleep), demanding sacrifices of his worshippers (oh come now, that’s stealing), or taking away the first born sons of the Egyptians (all the while hardening the pharaoh’s heart, giving Himself an excuse to kill them), God steals things from people all the time. He calls it punishment of course. That’s another one of His ways to excuse Himself from acting in a responsible manner. God is such a child sometimes. You can almost hear him up in heaven shouting "Mine! Mine!".
THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY Picture this. There’s God, wanting to send his son to earth to save everyone. He needs to find a woman to bear his son. Who does he go looking for? Maybe some single preacher’s daughter? Maybe a princess? No. He decides that it should be a married Jewish woman. And she has to be a virgin too. Neurotic guys like God are like that. They can’t stand the idea of their mate having fooled around before they met her. But why a married virgin? Your guess is as good as mine dears.
Anyway, he sends out a bunch of angels to find a woman for him. I know, the bible says there was only one angel. That’s wrong. Angels are terrible at picking up women. So God had to send out a lot of them in hopes that one would succeed. Most of them didn’t do very well. They’d go out to a nightclub or tavern and try to pick up a married Jewish woman. A lot of them got beaten up by the women’s husbands. If the women were alone the angels had a terrible time putting the moves on them. Angels are too shy and inexperienced. A lot of their encounters went something like this…
"Hello, I’m an angel of God."Or this…"Yeah, right. Beat it."
"Hello, I’m here to make you pregnant."Or this…<slap>
"Hello, I, umm, umm, I, umm, uh, I’m supposed to, umm, …"It was looking dismal until Gabriel came up with the secret…"Get lost."
"Hello. I’m rich."(The bible doesn’t say this, but Mary was really kind of easy. As to her being a virgin? Well, not exactly.)"Hello. I’m yours."
And that’s how God found a woman to bear his child. Since she was married at the time it makes him an adulterer. And since he didn’t stay with her afterward it makes him a deadbeat dad.
It’s said that laws are made to be broken. The commandments are no different. Just look at the way God ignores them when he wants to. So the next time anyone gives you the old "THOU SHALT NOT", tell them that you won’t obey any rules that the author won’t obey. God is the original hypocrite. I know you won’t be like Him.
See you in your darkest dreams, dears.
Back to hell