How to ensure your place in Hell  
My dears. While tempting some young virgin boys to the dark side at a rave in Los Angeles I was asked the most curious question, "How does one go about ensuring their place in Hell?". Young boys are so naïve. Still, it did give me pause. I realized that the bible is confused as to how a person gets to heaven let alone gives details on how one sets themselves up for an important position in the underworld. For many of you this is of utmost importance. So I shall tell you all how to gain entrance into that fiery pit of eternal despair that you so long for.

The quickest way to get to Hell is to become a fundamentalist. This is not very rewarding though. The place for fundamentalists is strictly one of eternal torture. It’s no fun at all unless you like that sort of thing and I know some of you do. But in the case of fundamentalists, it is not the type of torture that you would enjoy. We spare the whips, chains, hooks, and Hanson CDs and let the fundamentalists torture themselves and each other. When they first realize that they are in Hell they will beat themselves up for days. Some get stuck in denial which can last for years (dating back to their time on earth). Then inevitably comes the finger pointing and blaming of others. They create their own little Hell. Just like they did in life. We merely watch over them and show them Geraldo reruns when things get slow.

Another way to get to Hell is to be a greedy selfish bastard. Like being a fundamentalist, this is not very rewarding, at least in the afterlife. In life you can experience all the joys of exploiting others while having everyone hate your guts. In Hell you are not only despised, but you also get exploited and abused just as you did to others in your earthly existence. Now I know this sounds great for some of you, you nasty boys and girls, but if your idea of a satisfying damnation includes torturing your earthly tormentors, this path is not for you. It is mainly intended for lawyers, businessmen, politicians, tobacco company executives, and anyone that uses a cellular phone while driving.

Some people think that being an atheist is a good way to get to Hell. Tragically it isn’t. Without beliefs to force on others and without the need to make others feel guilty and shameful for every thing they do, atheists tend to lead very moral lives. A great many end up in Heaven much to their surprise. We lose so many promising souls to atheism. So by all means avoid this path if you intend to burn in Hell.

The best path to a promising afterlife in Hell lies in corrupting the souls of Christians. This is a very important skill that you can work on while living out your earthly existence. Prey upon the weak Christian mind. Fill it with evil thoughts like "think for yourself", "question authority", and worst of all "respect other’s opinions". The more they adopt these sinister ideas, the less Christian they will become. Take them to California where they can meet with homosexuals, liberals, and people with tattoos. The Christian will begin to see how much like normal people these evil humans are. The corruption will force them away from their beliefs. Finally, when they are ready, have them read the bible cover to cover. When they finally see what it is all about they will undoubtedly renounce their silly beliefs. Ah yes, the corruption of the Christian soul. Such an exquisite pleasure, a culinary delight.

Now I hunger once again. See you in your darkest dreams, dears.
 

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