Night of the Living Savior My dears. I was in Hollywood attending a screening of the film "The Matrix". Yes, we in the underworld take full responsibility for all of Keanu Reeves' movies. Not all eternal torture and damnation is reserved for those in hell. The Christian Coalition is right, Hollywood is under our control. We use it as an instrument of pain and misery. Anyone who's seen a Pauly Shore movie would agree. We offer no apologies. You deserve Pauly and Keanu. You deserve them in sequels. Our hope is to put them together in the same movie. That would be delicious. For you see I love to attend those movies on opening night. The crowd is clueless and doesn't know what to expect. They're caught off guard. They suffer. They groan. They stare in disbelief. Their misery is exquisite. I devour it all. Their pain is my pleasure. It fills me with joy. And the more dialogue that Keanu has, the more I am satisfied.
Now Easter is only days away. And when I think of Easter it reminds me of all the great films which capture the spirit of that holiday. No, I'm not talking about "The Ten Commandments". That film was so disappointing. They ended it right before Moses goes psychotic and starts killing off all of his followers. And no, I'm not talking about "Jesus Christ - Superstar". That film showed the truth about Christianity. It's just a big song and dance. You see, Easter is all about the resurrection of Jesus and how he returned to walk among the living, and that reminds me of the classic horror films "Night of the Living Dead", "Dawn of the Dead", and of course "Return of the Living Dead".
I sense that some of you thinking that I am making a joke. You're saying to yourselves that those movies are all about mindless zombie corpses searching for victims to devour. Well then, how much we both agree. Why do you think all those who saw Jesus were frightened? Their savior had returned as a zombie corpse who wanted to devour their mortal souls. Now that is a true horror story.
Of course, when it came to telling about the resurrection in the Bible, the whole story was changed. I can't really blame them since I know what really happened. Here's how it really went...
When Jesus first appeared to Mary Magdalene and a friend of hers he was still affected by rigor mortis. He stumbled out of the tomb stiff legged with his arms stretched before him moaning "Maaaaarrrrrryyyyy..... Maaaaarrrrrryyyyyy.....". It was like a scene out of "The Mummy" except that he wasn't all wrapped up. His eyes were rolled up into his head and his mouth was wide open. Worms had burrowed into his body. He looked totally disgusting. The two women screamed their heads off and ran back into town. It took Jesus all day to catch them. The women told the disciples what they'd seen but the disciples didn't believe them.
But that evening they saw for themselves.
Jesus' rotted corpse was staggering through the streets looking for them. The disciples hid in a nearby house and boarded up the windows. It was so much like the movie "Night of the Living Dead". It wasn't long before Jesus found their hiding place. Jesus pounded on the doors and windows trying to get in. The disciples were terrified. Their zombie savior had returned to destroy them. He moaned and howled outside as his fists smashed the small house.
"You....let....me....die! I....trusted....you! You....filthy....sinners! I'll....kill....you....all!"
Jesus finally broke through the front door. The disciples looked on in terror as Jesus grabbed Thomas and drained the soul from his body.
"God....will....have....his....revenge!"
Jesus walked toward the rest of the disciples, but they would not die so easily. They picked up boards and sticks and anything they could find to beat the corpse of their beloved teacher. Jesus drained the souls from three more disciples as the others pounded him in vain. Then Nathaniel lit a torch and set fire to his Lord and savior. Jesus screamed and stumbled out of the cottage in flames. The disciples thought that they had seen the last of the messiah.
They were wrong.
A week later two of them were on a fishing trip. Morning was breaking, just like "Dawn of the Dead". Simon Peter was the first to see the half eaten corpse of the messiah standing on the dock. Around Jesus were many smaller four legged skeletons. Jesus pointed his finger at Simon and Nathaniel. His voice hissed as he commanded them.
"Feed....my....lambs! Feed....my....sheep!"
Simon and Nathaniel tried rowing away from the son of God but they forgot that he could walk on water. They rowed frantically but the horrid thing caught up to them easily. Nathaniel let out a blood curdling scream as Jesus grasped him by the neck and claimed his soul. Then Jesus turned to Simon Peter. Simon shook with fright.
"Simon....do....you....love....me?"
Simon stared into the empty eye sockets of his old master. Maybe there was still hope for him, he thought. Simon choked out the words, "Yes Lord, you know that I love you."
"Tend....my....sheep."
Jesus pointed back at the dock where the hungry sheep corpses waited. Simon knew that he was doomed. He obediently rowed back to shore. He met a hideous fate.
Jesus was never seen again. But the Bible says that he will be back. And he'll have friends...
"They came to life, and reigned with Christ for a thousand years." - Rev. 20:5
Now I hope my little bedtime story didn't scare you too much.
See you in your darkest dreams, dears.