Why Christians are so Homophobic  
My dears. I was most recently possessing the body of a young secretary at the headquarters of the 700 club. I sense your confusion. What would I being doing there? It's simple really. I have seduced one of the staff writers, the one who writes for Pat Robertson himself. You see, I am his muse. It’s a challenge for me. I’m used to seducing secular writers. They’re so easily inspired. I appear before them wearing black leather, black lace, or nothing at all. I whisper sweet diabolical nothings in their ears. I drive them mad with desire for me, and then they write like men possessed. Indeed they are. Of course, these tricks don’t work on the average Christian, televangelists not withstanding. I had to use a different technique with Pat’s writer. I possessed a young, attractive, and sexually repressed secretary. She had her hair done up tightly in a bun. She had on way too much makeup, way too little self-esteem, and had no personality to speak of. She was perfect for him. Of course, when I was being her I had to be subtle. I couldn’t inspire him in the sexual way. Instead I brought him doughnuts, I sharpened his pencils, and I invited him to a bible study class. Soon he was mine.
 
Oh, I must tell you the wicked things I told him to write. I got carried away. Together we must have made Pat look like a terrific fool on television. We made him say that Hindus were satanic. We made him say that aliens who visit the earth in UFOs are demons in disguise. We even made him say that the Pope was a heretic. It’s too bad the last one never made it on the air. But by far the funniest thing we made him say was that God was going to punish Disney for allowing homosexuals to have their "Gay Day" at their amusement park by sending a hurricane to ravage Orlando. How it makes me laugh just thinking about it. And when it came time to punish the wicked, God had the hurricane miss Florida and bring destruction on Pat’s home state of North Carolina. Did Pat put 2 and 2 together? Yes, and they added to 3.
 
Which brings me to the burning question. Why are Christians so homophobic? Well, the Reverend Fred Phelps, who I must say is not under our control (indeed he is quite insane), claims that "God hates fags". So is God homophobic? In a word, yes. All one needs to do is to read the bible and find out that homosexuals are not allowed into heaven. It says they are sexual perverts and will not inherit the kingdom of God. And so it is that God fears gays. The reason why is simple. Like so many homophobics, God is a repressed homosexual. How else can one explain His desire to be surrounded by androgynous male servants wearing nightgowns?
 
We in the underworld welcome the homosexuals of the world with open arms, but so many of them are so disappointed to end up in hell. For some, their only sin was expressing their love for their fellow man or woman physically. Some of them thought that in their case God would make an exception and that they would be let into heaven. They are so naïve. The vast majority of them simply accept their fate and make hell their home. And such a nice home they make it. The gay part of hell is always tastefully decorated, and they all have such fabulous hairstyles.
 
We put homosexuals to good use here in hell. There is simply no better way to torture a homophobic Christian, and we get so many of them, than to have them spend eternity in the presence of gays. Christian men seem to be particularly sensitive to this form of torture. They become extremely nervous just being in the same room as gay men. So we put them together in saunas and hot tubs. It’s so much fun to watch the poor homophobic Christians squirm. When the gay men start kissing each other in front of them, the looks on the Christians' faces are priceless. And the torture has only just begun.
 
We’ve also noticed a sinister thing that happens when homophobic Christians are exposed to homosexuals for too long. They become infected with demonic curse of being honest with themselves. Many of them ‘convert’ as it were. They throw off their repression and embrace their homosexual nature. They may be in hell, but at least their souls are saved.
 
In the world of the living it’s all the rage today to convert homosexuals into heterosexuals (well, into bisexuals really). Christians say with pride that homosexuality is a disorder which can be cured. Ah yes, Christians and their silly ideas. It seems that self repression is their cure for everything. It must be terrible to live in fear of your own natural urges. I know none of you do.
 
See you in your darkest dreams, dears.

 

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