Why the second coming of Christ will never come  
My dears. I was attending an abortion clinic protest just last week. I wasn’t protesting of course. I was using some of my subtle powers of persuasion to encourage some fine young police officers to be, how should I say, a little over zealous when subduing the protesters? Such fine young men doing some wonderful work. It’s good for Christians to suffer. They enjoy it so. It makes them feel like Christ. And speaking of Christ, I overheard one of the protesters talking about why abortion is an evil thing. She believes that Jesus is at risk of being aborted during his second coming to earth. Oh how I laughed. If she only knew the truth. Well, I know she can’t handle the truth. I’m sure you can my dears.

Jesus has come to earth many times. Each time he has tried to complete his task of saving the human race. Each time he has met with a tragic fate. What makes it so humorous is that we in the underworld have had nothing to do with it. Each time Christ has returned to earth he has been done in by Christians.

Christ’s first second coming was at the end of the first millennium in the year 1000. He was born to a simple shepherd and enjoyed a wonderful childhood outside of Jerusalem.  Unfortunately his father suffered from schizophrenia, and one day heard a voice tell him to kill his son. He foolishly assumed it was God and put poor Jesus to death. And so began a most amusing parade of errors.

Christ tried again as a Templar Knight. He and his fellow warriors spread much of the bible’s peculiar forms of justice throughout the middle east. Jesus was sure that this time he would rise to ultimate power in the world. It was not to be. Jesus’ rise to power was seen as a threat to the church and he and all his followers were put to death. We in the underworld applauded the church’s decision.

Christ then decided to try again as a woman. He figured that he would appear less threatening and maybe he could charm his way into the hearts of the clergy. He is such a silly boy. His rise to power as Joan of Arc also met a tragic end. Plotted against by fiendish Christians she was captured, sold, and burned at the stake. So many of us in the underworld found the irony of Jesus being burned as a witch truly magnificent. I’m sure you agree.

Jesus faired little better during the Spanish Inquisition. There he was tortured to death twice, once as a Jew and once as a Gentile. His cries were so enjoyable to our ears. "Look you <oh my> Spanish <oh dear> <censored> sons of <ahem>. I’m Jesus Christ! Worship me you <no no no> <dear me> <very foul statement> or I’ll have my father <three commandment breaking rant>"  As you can see, Jesus’ attitude toward Christians was improving most wonderfully.

Several more centuries of failures made Christ more angry and frustrated. In what he admits was a mistake, he lost of control of his emotions and came to earth as Adolf Hitler. He started off according to plan and built a powerful empire, but his disdain for Jews got the better of him. They still did not believe that he had come to earth the first time let alone the second. In a fit of rage he ordered that they should all be killed. He then decided to kill everyone else on the planet and let his father sort them out. Such a spirited young man. Again it was Christians, posing as non-denominational Americans, who did poor Jesus in.

In his latest attempt Christ was on a mission to stop the birth of the anti-Christ. His plan was to be a doctor at a planned parenthood clinic where the anti-Christ’s mother was to be taken. An angel had talked the young girl into having an abortion. All was going according to plan when tragically a bomb exploded inside the clinic the day before the operation. Jesus was killed and the anti-Christ now walks among the living. We in the underworld owe Operation Rescue a great deal of appreciation for their timely intervention.

As you can see my dears, Christians have been most helpful in ridding the world of their most beloved messiah. How will we ever repay them? Hmmm, I can think of a few ways…

See you in your darkest dreams, dears.
 

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