Killing in the Name of God My dears. I know what you're thinking. And some of you are thinking some very evil, wicked, and delightfully sinful carnal thoughts. I'm glad that I have inspired so many of them. So how can doing something that you want to do be a sin? I feel that it's the other way around, doing things that you don't want to do are sinful. But religions have convinced people otherwise. Sin is human nature they say, they being those priests who indulge in masochistic masturbation and pretend that they don't enjoy it. Yes, we know your secrets you men of the cloth. You make such a show of self flagellation, hurting yourselves as "punishment" for your sinful thoughts, but all the while you're getting off. It's like you're saying, "I'm evil, I'm wicked, beat me God, whip me God, make me write bad checks". Don't you realize that where you want to spend eternity is hell? Imagine it: torture, humiliation, and begging for mercy forever and ever. It's like your dream come true. But sadly so many priests end up in heaven where everyone is kind to each other and no one would even think of doing harm to a fellow angel. That's the real hell for them. They can't feel good about themselves unless they feel bad about themselves. Those poor lost souls.
But many of you have other sinful thoughts, and not just the healthy ones about sex, greed, sex, drugs, sex, corrupting the innocent, sex, sex, sex, (yes, it seems that's all that some of you think about) and posting blasphemies to christian news groups (my personal favorite, well, after sex of course, and before sex too, but never during). What I'm talking about is the big sin, murder. That's the one that everyone will tell you is pure evil. "The devil made me do it", says the murderer. Ha! As if the devil has anything to do with that. It works against him you know. You see, when you're dead you can't sin any more, so why would Satan want people to die? And the murderer usually ends up in jail where he repents and finds Jesus. No, the devil has nothing to gain when people get killed. The truth will surprise you. Those sinful thoughts you have about killing people come from God. Yes, God. Think about it. Who has done the most killing since the beginning of time? God. He loves to kill and he loves killing sinners. But what he loves the most is telling his followers to kill sinners for him. Don't believe me? Read your bibles. God loved to make Samson kill. And He commanded Joshua to kill everyone who lived in the promised land, and even their sheep and cows. And He had Moses kill a third of his followers and march the rest around in the desert until they all died. The sixth commandment should read, "Thou shalt not kill, unless I say so". And He says so, a lot. He has anger issues. He should get help.
So maybe you're like most Christians and don't read the bible. It should be obvious when you look at the world. Who does most of the killing? Satanists? No. Atheists? Hardly. Wiccans? Puh-lease. Whether they are bombing abortion clinics or flying planes into buildings, the ones who kill with no sense of shame are the fundamentalists. And it's no coincidence that the word 'fundamentalist' contains the word 'mental'. They truly are. For here is the truth that you should all know...
People kill in God's name, not Satan's.
Evil gets such a bad rap.
I sense that some of you are still not convinced. I'm pleased. The world needs more doubting Thomases, except that unlike the Apostle, we need ones that can tell the difference between Jesus and a zombified corpse. You'd think that the pungent odor of the so called "savior" would have tipped him off, or that the holes in Jesus' hands and feet weren't dripping with blood would make him think that something was wrong, but no. Thomas was a terrible doubter, but then among the ranks of the extremely gullible (the other apostles would have believed that the sky was green if Jesus told them so) he was a skeptic. But I digress...
September 11th, 2001. That was an important day in history. That was the day when a group of terrorists killed thousands of innocent people in God's name. Well, the terrorists called him Allah, but it's the same deity, you know the one, big guy, claims to be all powerful, hates women, terrorizes shepherds. Anyway, God promised each of them 70 virgins in heaven if they died killing people in His name. Yes, 70 virgins. I know what you're thinking. They're stupid. Why would anyone wants so many virgins? Wouldn't they rather have women who know what they're doing in bed? I know that you would my dears. I wonder what would be worse for the terrorists, seventy women who can't give them what they want because they don't know how, or one daughter of Satan (me) who won't give them what they want because she likes to watch them suffer. <cackle> Wherever they ended up, they're in hell.
Well, it seems obvious to me that if you're going to kill yourself for the promise of sex in heaven, we can defeat terrorism by promising sex on earth. It's so simple. If you see someone that you suspect is a terrorist, have sex with them. Never mind that you're not a virgin. It doesn't matter. You can pretend if you have to. The important part is to have sex, and the more the better because no one is going to kill themselves if they're getting some. Research has shown that for 72 hours after sex you're incapable of killing yourself or anyone else. All right, so I made that up, but it sounds true. And it works, especially if your partner has forgotten to untie you. But I sense that many of you don't want to have sex with a terrorist. So don't think about it as sex with a terrorist, think about it as saving your country. Think about it as doing your patriotic duty. You'll be a hero. Sin for Uncle Sam! Satan Bless America!
So that's a good solution for America and Europe, but we also need to fight terrorism at the source. Muslim countries are just too uptight about sex. What do you expect from countries that allow men to have multiple wives and who keep their women hidden at home and wearing a burkha? Hmmph. If I were in charge women would have multiple husbands and could wear whatever they wanted (as long as it's not much). But alas I'm not, and because Muslims are so repressed there's a lot of sexual frustration in the middle east. It's God's fault. God hates sex. The reason why is because God can't have sex. It's true. He may be omnipotent, but he's also impotent. So when he sees people having sex he gets angry. He's a jealous God you know. So he tells all of his followers that they will go to hell if they have sex for any reason other than making babies. And even then you're not supposed to enjoy it. Now that's evil.
So we need to get rid of the burkha. We need to free the women of Afghanistan so that they can do their civic duty to fight terrorism. Afghanistan has been an orgy of violence for too long. Now it needs to be an orgy of, well, orgies. Terrorism would be a thing of the past. The world would be awash in sin, and I mean the good kind. Bush and Cheney and Omar and Osama could go off and fight their war somewhere else and leave the rest of the world to us. Make love, not war. And yes, it was Satan who first said that. Eve took his advice and Eden really was a paradise. Until God found out and ruined everything. The original sin wasn't sex, it was sexual repression. And God was the original sinner.
So know who and what is really evil. It's not the Muslims, it's the fundaMENTALists. It's not a revealing outfit, it's a burkha. It's not sex, it's abstaining from sex. And it's not Satan, it's God. So hump a terrorist for Satan. Foil God's plans. God 'blessed' America and we need to stop Him before he 'blesses' it again.
Well, that's my dream. And maybe one day it will come true. But until then...
See you in your darkest dreams, dears.