What the Bible Means

What the Bible Really Means
My dears. I was surfing the internet the other day. Surprised? Don't be. We have internet access in hell. Where do you think all that spam comes from anyway? Yes, the people who send spam all end up in hell. Every last one of them. Even the people who send out spam for Jesus go to hell. Oh yes, especially them. They enjoy a special form of torture. We connect all their computers together, but not with anyone else. They're on their own separate internet. Then we let them spam each other to their hearts' content. Maybe you feel that it would be like heaven for them. Maybe you feel that they would enjoy reading everyone else's rantings about Jesus. I can assure you that they hate it. You see, there's nothing that a fanatic hates more than another fanatic. And we put them all together. They spam and flame each other for all eternity. It's a fate only they deserve.
You should see the flame wars between them. They're all so holier-than-thou. They're damned for all eternity but they still have to prove to each other how righteous they are. And they all claim to know so much more about God and Jesus than the others do. It's sad but it's funny too. The Apostle Paul is the worst of them, but then he's another story...
Why do they all hate each other you ask? It's confusing at first. They all read the bible. They all believe that it is the word of God. Why don't they all agree? Well, the truth is that they are all selfish bastards. They make the bible say whatever it is that they want it to say. They justify everything they want or need by saying that God wants them to have it. The worst part is that they all need to be right. So when they don't agree, it's like their souls depended on them proving themselves right. So all they do is fight.
Of course, the men who wrote the bible were no different. It's a self righteous book written by self serving men. They only wanted more power for themselves and religion was their excuse to get it. You can figure out what the bible really means if you understand that. Allow me to show you...

What the Bible says... What Christians think it means... What the Bible really means...

"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God" - Mt 19:24 We righteous people live by modest means.(Of course, they think that they live modestly no matter how rich they are) Give all your money to the church.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." - Jn 3:16 All you need to do to get to heaven is believe that Jesus is the son of God. (So they can get away with a few sins here and there) If you believe that you'll believe anything. You're perfect for the church.

The name of the prophet foretold in the Old Testament was Emmanuel, which means "God with us" - Mt 1:22-23 Jesus is the messiah because the Bible says so. (And the Bible wouldn't lie) Oops, the messiah has the wrong name. Time for a quick cover-up

"Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary your wife, for that which is conceived in her is the Holy Spirit;" - Mt 1:20
"Behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a son," - Mt 1:23 The immaculate conception is a true miracle. It proves that Jesus is the messiah. (They'll believe it if it's written in the Bible, no matter how stupid it is.) Don't believe it when a woman tells you she's a virgin, especially if she's pregnant.
Only God can do that.

"So whatever you wish that men would do to you, do so to them; for this is the law of the prophets." - Mt 7:12 Nobody else thought of the golden rule before Jesus.
(Yeah, right) It's more of a rule for others to follow than for us. After all, we're so righteous.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be open to you."
- Mt 7:7 God will answer all your prayers. (Unless you're not sincere enough or some other convenient excuse) They're so gullible that they'll give God credit for the things that they do for themselves.

"Judge not, that you be not judged." - Mt 7:1 Only God is allowed to judge. (And since he thinks you're a dirty sinner, they do too) If you think that the church leaders are wrong, you can't say anything or you'll go to hell.

"But I say to you, Do not resist anyone who is evil. But if any one strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." - Mt 5:39 No one expects you to follow that one. (If you do, then you're allowed to feel really self righteous for days) The church leaders are going to slap you around a little. Get used to it.

"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."
- Mt 5:5 God will reward us with dominion over all. (They'll say they're meek, even if they have to compare themselves to God) Surrender your power to the church. You'll get it back, we promise.

"Let a woman sit in silence in all submissiveness. I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men;"
- 1 Tim 2:11-12 God says that men are in charge. (It's the only way that they can make their wives obey them) Men will believe everything we want them to after we tell them this. (That's why the promise keepers were so popular)

"And as he sat at table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners (harlots) came down and sat with Jesus and his disciples." - Mt 9:10
"For I come not to call the righteous, but sinners."
- Mt 9:12 Jesus wasn't afraid to preach to sinful, evil people. He spread the word to those who "needed" to hear it. (They justify preaching endlessly to those who want them to shut up) Don't ask questions if you see the church leaders with prostitutes or wealthy people, they're reforming them just like Jesus did.

"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves." - Mt 7:15
"Thus you will know them by their fruits." - Mt 7:20 False prophets are dangerous. It's easy to tell who they are since they don't believe what we do. Don't give your money and souls to others, they're liars and false prophets. Give them to us, we have the truth.

"he who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day." - Jn 6:54 Salvation is gained through the symbolic eucharist ritual. (Even if it freaks out young children) The church needs to appeal to vampires and cannibals.

So you see, the bible is just a way for the self righteous to get what they want. Of course, there's nothing wrong with trying to get what you want, but you should at least be honest with yourself about it. Bible believers are such hypocrites. They believe they're own lies. They think that they are doing everything for God when they really only do it for themselves. I know you aren't like that.
See you in your darkest dreams, dears.

Back to hell

What the Bible says...	What Christians think it means...	What the Bible really means...
"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God" - Mt 19:24	We righteous people live by modest means.(Of course, they think that they live modestly no matter how rich they are)	Give all your money to the church.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." - Jn 3:16	All you need to do to get to heaven is believe that Jesus is the son of God. (So they can get away with a few sins here and there)	If you believe that you'll believe anything. You're perfect for the church.
The name of the prophet foretold in the Old Testament was Emmanuel, which means "God with us" - Mt 1:22-23	Jesus is the messiah because the Bible says so. (And the Bible wouldn't lie)	Oops, the messiah has the wrong name. Time for a quick cover-up
"Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary your wife, for that which is conceived in her is the Holy Spirit;" - Mt 1:20 "Behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a son," - Mt 1:23	The immaculate conception is a true miracle. It proves that Jesus is the messiah. (They'll believe it if it's written in the Bible, no matter how stupid it is.)	Don't believe it when a woman tells you she's a virgin, especially if she's pregnant. Only God can do that.
"So whatever you wish that men would do to you, do so to them; for this is the law of the prophets." - Mt 7:12	Nobody else thought of the golden rule before Jesus. (Yeah, right)	It's more of a rule for others to follow than for us. After all, we're so righteous.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be open to you." - Mt 7:7	God will answer all your prayers. (Unless you're not sincere enough or some other convenient excuse)	They're so gullible that they'll give God credit for the things that they do for themselves.
"Judge not, that you be not judged." - Mt 7:1	Only God is allowed to judge. (And since he thinks you're a dirty sinner, they do too)	If you think that the church leaders are wrong, you can't say anything or you'll go to hell.
"But I say to you, Do not resist anyone who is evil. But if any one strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." - Mt 5:39	No one expects you to follow that one. (If you do, then you're allowed to feel really self righteous for days)	The church leaders are going to slap you around a little. Get used to it.
"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." - Mt 5:5	God will reward us with dominion over all. (They'll say they're meek, even if they have to compare themselves to God)	Surrender your power to the church. You'll get it back, we promise.
"Let a woman sit in silence in all submissiveness. I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men;" - 1 Tim 2:11-12	God says that men are in charge. (It's the only way that they can make their wives obey them)	Men will believe everything we want them to after we tell them this. (That's why the promise keepers were so popular)
"And as he sat at table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners (harlots) came down and sat with Jesus and his disciples." - Mt 9:10 "For I come not to call the righteous, but sinners." - Mt 9:12	Jesus wasn't afraid to preach to sinful, evil people. He spread the word to those who "needed" to hear it. (They justify preaching endlessly to those who want them to shut up)	Don't ask questions if you see the church leaders with prostitutes or wealthy people, they're reforming them just like Jesus did.
"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves." - Mt 7:15 "Thus you will know them by their fruits." - Mt 7:20	False prophets are dangerous. It's easy to tell who they are since they don't believe what we do.	Don't give your money and souls to others, they're liars and false prophets. Give them to us, we have the truth.
"he who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day." - Jn 6:54	Salvation is gained through the symbolic eucharist ritual. (Even if it freaks out young children)	The church needs to appeal to vampires and cannibals.