Letters of the Romans, Corinthians, etcetera to Paul My dears. I've been reading the Screwtape Letters again. The original version of course. Not the one that C. S. Lewis stole where he changed the ending. Sigh. Those Christians. They're such hypocrites. They write all these laws for themselves about not murdering or stealing or bearing false witness or cursing or coveting. But what do they do when the encounter non-believers? They murder and steal and bear false witness and curse and covet, and all on the Sabbath day sometimes. Indeed, they're no better than anyone else. They just think that they are. Well, they are better than everyone else at one thing. Plagiarism. Honestly, what do you expect from a group of people who stole their religion from the Jews? And that was only the beginning. There were so many more religions to steal from and Christians stole from them all. They moved Christ's birthday to be close to the winter solistice, and they moved his death and resurrection close to the spring equinox. Both of those were days for pagan festivals. Then there are all the myths about the great flood, the garden of Eden, the resurrection itself, and so many other stories which were stolen from the Babylonians and Greeks and Romans and any other religion that people worshipped. God didn't write the bible, He stole it.
So you might be wondering if there's anything original in the bible at all. There is. The New Testament is stuffed full of angry, hate ridden letters by the apostle Paul who self righteously spread the word by telling everyone in the world that God was angry at them for being wicked sinners. Those parts are original. Boring, self-serving, repetitive, venomous, ignorant, childish, hypocritical, offensive, and vendictive, yes, but they were original. When you read them you can see why. No one would ever publish a book full of letters like those. But the Christians did, and we suffer for their poor judgment.
But there's an even more tragic side to this tale. There were so many more letters that should have been included in the New Testament but were left out. You see, the apostle Paul received many responses from those he sent letters to. A lot of them were pretty nasty. Paul threw them away but the authors always kept a copy for their records. We in the underworld have copies of those letters ourselves. I'd love to share them with you...
The Letter of the Romans to Paul
Dear Saul,
I don't care what you say your name is, as your commanding officer I demand that you return to Rome at once and face a court martial. Just what do you think you're doing? We send you on a simple mission to kill all the disciples of Jesus and you screw it up. Now, I know you aren't Rome's best Legionaire. In fact, you're the worst. Why do you think that we sent you to that Zeus forsaken desert anyway? But even someone as worthless as you could succeed in killing a bunch of Christians. What could be simpler? Just slap them in the face. They'll turn the other cheek. So while they're looking the other way you can hit them over the head with a rock. They're pushovers.Antonius - CenturionMy general is going the get a full report of your humiliating failure. Sure, you started off doing well. You killed a few Christians, but then you really screwed up. Don't you know that you should wear your helmet when you spend a full day travelling? The sun boiled what was left of your brain. You got heat stroke. You fell off your horse and hit your head on a rock. Instead of seeing stars or birds you saw Jesus. Were you drunk too? I've heard all about your drinking problem. So then you let yourself get taken prisoner and brainwashed, as if you had a brain to wash. Now you believe in their stupid religion. You're a disgrace to the Legion. Just listen to yourself...
"For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you, that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine."
Say that to my face and I'll impart the spiritual gift of my fist and mutually encourage your nose to point a different direction. And what is this nonsense...
"Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal bodies, to make you obey their passions. Do not yield your members to sin as instruments of wickedness, but yield yourselves to God"
The Saul I knew joined the Legion to do exactly that. All you wanted to do was rape and pillage. Not that you were any good at either.
"I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin revived and I died"
Saul, you only think that you died. Will you get mercy from the Roman Legion? By no means!
The First Letter of the Corinthians to Paul
Paul you arrogant bastard,
You came to us to preach the gospel and we were good hosts. We put up with your ranting, raving, and threatening that God will strike us dead. We politely let you speak your piece. We even let you stay for free at an Inn and served you dinner. The Innkeeper regrets that. He had no idea that you were such a lush. But we are tolerant of other's religions and so we treated you well. We even tolerated your inappropriate behavior. Now you send us this insulting letter. In case you were drunk and forgot what you wrote, here are some of the offensive things you said...Markus of Corinth"I do not write this to make you ashamed, but to admonish you as children."
Oh your holiness, we're not worthy, we're not worthy. You must spank us. We've been wicked.
"For the kingdom of God does not consist in talk but of power. What do you wish? Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love in a spirit of gentleness?"
Oh please master! Spare us the rod. We'll behave. We didn't mean to have other gods before yours. Yours is sooo much better.
"I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with immoral men;"
Does that include drunken, ranting deserters from the Roman army?
"To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do. But if they cannot exercise self control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion."
Well, not in your case. I can't believe you wrote that. I guess you were too drunk to remember that all-night bender you went on where you partied with half the prostitutes in town. That's all we need around here, another evangelist hypocrite.
"Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ."
We knew Christ. Christ was a good friend of ours. And you, Paul, are no Jesus Christ.
"Was Paul crucified for you?"
Some of us would like to see that happen. The rest of us would rather that you never set foot on our land again. And don't send that whiny little Timothy either. He hurts our ears when he preaches. Our patience is at an end.
The Second Letter of the Corinthians to Paul
Paul,
If you set foot in Corinth again you will be arrested on three counts of drunk and disorderly, two counts of assault, three counts of statuatory rape, and one count of inciting to riot. You're lucky no one was killed during your "sermon" or else you would have been extradited, setenced, and executed already. This is your last warning.Leo, Corinthian chief of police
The Letter of the Galatians to Paul
Dear Paul,
F**k you and the ass you rode in on.Joseph of Galatia
The Letter of the Ephesians to Paul
Dear Paul,
You wrote...Anwar of Ephesus"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and this is not your doing, it is the gift of God-"
Good. I guess we won't need you anymore.
"For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it,"
Says the man who never bathed his whole time in Ephesus. Don't come back. You stink.
The Letter of the Colossians to Paul
Dear Paul,
What in the name of Hera possessed you to write this...Caleb of Colossae"And you, who once were estranged and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death,"
No. That was you.
"Put to death therefore what is earthly in you; fornication, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry."
We will. When you show your face around here again you'll find that out first hand.
"Tychicus will tell you all about my affairs;"
He did. We're appalled. You're one sick puppy.
The Letter of the Hebrews to Paul
Dear Paul,
Jesus? The Messiah? You're joking, right?Benjamin of HebronHmmm, we have some swampland in Judaea that we can let you have cheap. You know, Jesus used to play in those swamps when he was a child. It'll be worth millions one day. Yeah, that's right, millions. We're so nice that we're letting you in on the deal for only ten thousand shekels. Send us the money and we'll send you the deed.
So now you know the truth about the apostle Paul's letters. The bible is so one sided. It makes him sound like a holy man. He wasn't. He was the first in a long line of Christian hypocrites. I'm sure that you won't be like him. I'm sure that when you do something evil you won't go around accusing others. I know that you'll proudly take all the credit for it.
See you in your darkest dreams, dears.