Revelations - The Final Daze

My dears. I’ve been having such fun lately. The end of the millennium is fast approaching and Christians have been running around like scared rabbits preparing for its arrival. They’re so silly. They don’t realize the problems Jesus has been having in making his foretold second appearance. I know you do my dears. When he does appear it will be nothing like what is written of in the book of Revelations. That part of the bible is utter nonsense (as if any of it made much sense). For you see, many do not know that when the apostle John wrote the book of Revelations he was totally whacked out of his skull. Now don’t seem so surprised. Isn’t it obvious? What happened was this. Jesus had just turned a large stone jar of water into wine. John came in after a hard day of work in the hot sun and was very thirsty. He thought the jar still held water and drank a good half gallon of it before he noticed it was wine.  He became very inebriated and saw a flying pink elephant which he later wrote was really an angel. This "angel" (who looked a lot like Dumbo) told him the most absurd tale, but John believed every word of it and dutifully wrote it down. Of course, being drunk his hand writing was barely legible and what was readable made little sense. Many Christians believe in the bible but have never taken the time to read it. That is why I have been having so much fun. I’ve been telling them that the rapture is near and that they need to read the book of Revelations. I’m heartless.

I come to them when they are dreaming. I whisper in their ears. I tell them that judgment day is near. The next morning they wake up so guilty and nervous. They start acting pious and self righteous. They repress all their emotions and start telling everyone else that they are going to hell. They make such wonderful examples to others. Their friends and co-workers look at them and say to themselves, "Dear God, don’t let me end up like that". Then the poor Christians begin to read the book of Revelations so they can find out how to prepare for the final days. That is when the fun really begins.

It is so amusing to watch them read the prophecy. They have to suspend their disbelief so often. Sometimes it gets so weird that they have to break from reality entirely. That’s not a long trip for some Christians.

Here is how John described the flying elephant which delivered the message…

"in his right hand he held seven stars, from his mouth issued a sharp two-edged sword, and his face was like the sun shining at full strength."

Two edged sword indeed. It was a trunk. John’s wine-fogged mind conjured other bizarre visions…

"And the four living creatures [like a lion, ox, man and eagle], each of them with six wings, are full of eyes round and within, and day and night they never cease to sing," [Ummm, eyes within? Six wings? An ox singing? This is too weird.]

"I saw a Lamb standing, as though it had been slain, [Ummm, slain animals usually lie down. How can it stand as though it was lying down?] with seven horns and seven eyes," [Now that’s an odd looking lamb.]

"And I saw the beast rising out of the sea, with ten horns and seven heads [so like, how many horns were on which heads?], with ten diadems upon its horns and a blasphemous name upon its heads. [like tattoos?] And the beast that I saw was like a leopard, its feet were like a bear’s, and it’s mouth [just one for seven heads?] was like a lion’s mouth." [Sorry, I’m having a lot of trouble visualizing this.]

"Then I saw another beast which rose out of the earth; it had two horns like a lamb [well, a goat I guess] and it spoke like a dragon."
[Ahh, so that’s what it sounded like when it talked.]

"In appearance the locusts were like horses arrayed for battle; on their heads were what looked like crowns of gold; their faces where like human faces, their hair like women’s hair, and their teeth like lion’s teeth;" [Ummm, what-ever.]

The poor Christians are so confused. Yet they read on hoping it will begin to make sense. It is to laugh.

"The name of the star is Wormwood. A third of the waters became wormwood, [Like, what?] and many men died of the water, because it was made bitter." [Ahh, the deadly bitter water. Don’t drink the water, it’s bitter, you’ll die!]

"The serpent poured water like a river out of his mouth after the woman, [shouldn’t that be a fire breathing serpent? Oh well.] to sweep her away with the flood. But the earth came to the help of the woman, and the earth opened it’s mouth and swallowed the river which the dragon had poured from its mouth." [OK, whatever you say John.]

"And the sea gave up the dead in it, Death and Hades gave up the dead in them, and all were judged by what they had done. Then Death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire." [Ummm, how exactly do you throw Hades into a lake of fire anyway? I mean, Hades IS a lake of fire. I should know. I live there.]

It’s so amusing. Christians reading the drunken ravings of an unstable apostle as if it was the most important book in their life. One wonders if gullibility is required to get into heaven. Indeed it most certainly is.

The most delightful part is when they find out how many Christians will be saved. Only 144,000! Hell will be a very crowded place indeed when the rapture comes. And when they see what it takes to be one of those 144,000 saved they realize that they are doomed. Listen to how the bible describes the saved…

"It is these who have not defiled themselves with women, for they are chaste;" [Oh dear, I just realized how many men I’ve personally damned.]

"and in their mouths no lie was found, for they are spotless." [Yes, even God despises lawyers, politicians, and televangelists.]

Oh what they must be feeling when they read that book. The fires of hell is my guess. They come up with the most outrageous excuses to explain what they’ve read. I enjoy it so when they say that Revelations is metaphorical and symbolic. Indeed, it’s metaphorical of a bad LSD trip. Others just throw out the book of Revelations altogether. That’s wise thinking. If they keep throwing out the things which don’t make sense they will soon be left with no bible at all. And that, my dears, is why I try to get them to read the book of Revelations in the first place.

See you in your darkest dreams, dears.
 

 

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