My dears. I finally went ahead and did it. No, not that. Well, yes, but it's not such a big deal that I did that. I do that all the time. Why just last Sunday I was walking past a Catholic church and I decided to go in and confess my sins. Not all of them of course. That would take too much time. And it would be pointless. I always seem to leave the confessional with more sins than I started with. Like this time. There I was in the booth with the priest and I'm like, "Bless me father for I have sinned" and he's like, "Lord you know all things; you know that I love you", and I'm like, "My last confession was three days ago..." and I make up this story about how I went into the confessional at a different church and confessed and how that priest told me that because my sins were so bad that he would have to absolve me of them in his private chamber. I confessed that I did what that priest said and how I couldn't resist doing anything that a priest asked of me even if I knew that it was wrong. And then I went in to graphic detail about all of the things that the priest made me do for absolution and it wasn't just a few Hail Marys. It was more like "Mary does Dallas". Anyway, so I hear the priest squirming uncomfortably in his seat and I go on and on about how I kissed the other priest's 'crucifix' and how he annointed me with 'holy water' and then the next thing I know I look up and see the priest I'm confessing to standing in front of me shaking uncontrollably and mumbling something about sins and God and forgiveness. He was a wreck, the poor man. So I took his confession, and yes, that's a euphemism for doing the nasty in the confessional during Sunday mass. Oh, and he's not a priest anymore. I saved his soul. <cackle>But yes, I finally went ahead and did it. I bought a webcam. I needed a better way to spread lust and sin over the internet. Now I know what you're thinking. "Isn't there enough lust and sin on the internet?". Honestly, can there ever be enough? Well, yes, when your mailbox gets filled with ads to make your penis larger and your breasts bigger (and size doesn't matter, it's how you use it, or just that you use it at all) then there's too much sin on the internet. But the sin that all those spammers are committing isn't really sex, it's more like preaching. Instead of preaching abstinence, it's preaching over-indulgence, which is better, but it's preaching all the same and that's the biggest sin of all. I'll bet that you didn't know that Jesus said, "Thou shalt not preach". It's true. But for some strange reason that commandment never made it into the bible. Christians have to preach. It's the only chance they get to mouth off about how self-righteous and holy they are. Jesus hated that. "Beware of practicing your piety before men in order to be seen by them", that's what Jesus said, and that's why Judas betrayed him. Judas and the other apostles just had to preach and Jesus was about to shut down their whole operation. So they had him killed. Now you know what really happened. And because of that there are now millions of Christians around the world preaching like there's no tomorrow (and some of them actually believe that there's no tomorrow). Street corner preachers are the worst. They walk the streets peddling there wares to anyone who walks by. They're like prostitutes. And they spread the worst social disease of them all, religion. I'm sure that you'd agree.
But I digress.
The reason I bought the webcam is that it makes spreading lust and sin so much more personal. I like the personal touch when it comes to sin. And it's not just that it makes the accounting easier. Yes, we have accountants in hell. Too many of them. That's because being good with numbers pays well, but being evil with numbers pays even better. And the accountants have nothing better to do with their time than keep track of who is tempting who to sin and keeping statistics on how many people we've pulled into the abyss. Of course, my numbers are always near the top, but these people seriously need to get an afterlife. Anyway, getting back to the point, it's the personal touch that makes tempting someone to sin so rewarding. I like to put the camera on top of my computer and adjust it so that it is looking down my top, or whatever I'm wearing, that is, if I'm wearing anything at all. I always get the same question. "Are those real?". Of course, they're talking about my horns. I laugh and ask them if they'd like to find out for themselves. That's when they start typing slower. I didn't realize why until I chatted with a guy who also had a webcam. When things began getting steamy he started typing with one hand. I couldn't see what his other hand was doing and that's probably a good thing. But I enjoyed watching his glasses fog up while he did it.
It all made me think about that book that George Orwell wrote called "1984". That's the one where there are cameras all over the place and the thought police are making sure that no one does anything naughty. Maybe one day the world will be like that. It will start with webcams and then people will wear them like cell phones an soon everywhere you go you'll be being watched. I hear you saying, "That won't happen in America". I can only laugh. Just pay them to do it. In America people will gladly wear a camera if you give them money. And if it looks cool kids will wear them for free. Yes, I know human nature. And I also know that having cameras everywhere won't make people less naughty. They'll be more naughty. The cameras will bring out the evil in them. Anyone who's seen those reality TV shows knows that. So having cameras all over the place isn't such a bad thing now is it?
Oh, but people are scared that cameras everywhere mean that Big Brother is taking over their lives. Well, maybe he is, but how many people have surrendered their lives to the biggest brother of them all? Yes, I'm talking about God. You can call him Big Savior. He doesn't need cameras or video screens or the thought police (but so many religious people feel the need to be the thought police for him - I swear those people are worse than accountants). He sees all and knows all and makes a list of all of the bad things that you've done over your entire life (like reading my website) so that he can judge you after you die. If that's not Big Brother I don't know what is. And he's so much worse than the one in Orwell's book. Not only does God see everything that you do, he also knows everything that you're thinking. You can't even fantasize about sinning without that getting written on his list. That's Big Savior. Always watching. Always listening. Always looking at you when you're fornicating or masturbating or even just thinking about fornicating or masturbating. Big Brother has nothing on God. And why, you ask, does he want to watch people sin all the time? It's because he also goes by another name, Big Pervert.
It gets worse. In "1984", the Party had three slogans. People think that Orwell just made them up, but organized religion has had the same ones for centuries. They just word them differently...
WAR IS PEACE - "Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, (etcetera)...He who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me,...He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for my sake will find it." Mt 10:34-39.
So Jesus is saying that God comes first, you fight with those who don't believe in him even they are your family. And if you die fighting for him then you get eternal life. Peace is in heaven and you can only get there by fighting for God. War is peace.
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY - "What has a man from all the toil and strain with which he toils beneath the sun? For all his days are full of pain, and his work is a vexation; even in the night his mind does not rest. This is also vanity. There is nothing better for a man than that he should eat and drink, and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God." - Ecc 2:22-24.
So the bible is saying that doing things for yourself, being free, will make you a slave to your vanity. But if you do things for God you'll enjoy toiling in the sun. Freedom is slavery.
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH - It goes without saying doesn't it? The less that Christians know about evolution and science and genetics and nature, the stronger they believe in God. Just listen to them. "How could this have all happened by accident?", they say. "How could something like that evolve", they say. The more ignorant that they are, the easier it is for them to say that only God could have made the universe.
But back to scripture, the Bible starts off with the story of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. In that story everything is going along fine until they eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge. That's when the trouble starts. They have sex. And God hates it when people have sex. So God comes down and punishes them. He makes them mortal. He makes them suffer. He makes them weaker. People would have been better off not knowing. Knowledge is weakness. Ignorance is strength.
So really now, isn't "1984" just a story about religion? Big Savior is watching you. Look out for the thought police. Join the Party or else. And it's not enough to obey Big Savior, you must love him. How else are you going to get into heaven? We all know what's in room 101 - your deepest fear - hell.
Well, that's what they want you to believe. I know that you don't my dears. Christians have made hell out to be the worst place imaginable where you suffer for all eternity. That sounds like a church with a long-winded preacher and hard wooden pews. If you believe in eternal damnation then they can control you and make you do whatever they want. To me that's hell, being a zombie believer. What could be worse than that? I'll take any alternative. The truth is that the real hell is only a place of eternal suffering if you're a Christian. Well, it's bad if you are a Jew or a Muslim too. But if you're open minded and don't feel that you need to obey someone's orders to make you feel good about yourself, hell is a wonderful place for of others just like you. And best of all, I'll be there to greet you all when you arrive. Hell is the home of the party that truly never ends and I'm your hostess for all eternity. But please, arrive late. Life is a good party too.
See you in your darkest dreams, dears.