George W. Bush says that Jesus is the philosopher that he admires the most.
Has he even read the Bible?
Perhaps this is what is written in his copy...

5 ¹ Seeing the crowds, he went
up on the mountain, and when he sat
down his disciples came to him. ² And
he opened his mouth and taught them,
saying:
³ "Blessed are the rich, for theirs is
access to the White house."
⁴ "Blessed are those who lobby,
for they shall write legislation."
⁵ "Blessed are the strong, for they
shall receive subsidies."
⁶ "Blessed are those who hunger and
thirst for family values, for they
will not be censored."
⁷ "Blessed are the corporations, for
they shall receive tax breaks."
⁸ "Blessed is the Fed, for they keep
stock prices up."
⁹ "Blessed are the Peacemakers, and the
Minutemen, and the Patriots, and all
the other missiles pointed at our
enemies' largest cities."
¹⁰ "Blessed are those who allow their
rights to be trampled, for theirs is
a safer world."
¹¹ "Blessed are you when liberals revile
you and make jokes about you and
write articles about you in the media
that they control. ¹² Rejoice and be
glad for soon they will all be owned
by powerful media conglomerates
with republican agendas."
¹³ "You are the cream of the crop:
but if the cream has lost its taste
how shall it be restored?
Leveraged buyouts, layoffs,
and reorganizations."
¹⁴ "You are the light of the world. ¹⁵ A city
set on a hill cannot be hid. ¹⁶ And a
city propped up by import tariffs
and subsidies shines brighter than
all others across the land."
¹⁷ "Think not that I have come to abolish
the Bill of Rights and the Constitution.
I have, but don't think that or you
may vote for someone else. ¹⁸ For
truly I say to you, till heaven and earth
pass away, not an iota, not a dot,
shall remain of due process, the
rights of the accused, or the privacy
of the individual. ¹⁹ Whoever supports
one of these rights, like those in the
ACLU, are liberal communist traitors
who support terrorism. ²⁰ For I tell
you, unless you let the government
wield more power over you than the
totalitarian nations of the world,
you shall never defeat them."
²¹ "You have heard that it was said
to the men of old, 'You shall not kill;
and whoever kills shall be liable to
judgment.' ²² But I say to you that
everyone who is attacked by terrorists
can kill as many as he likes. And whoever
says, 'You fool!', shall be investigated
by the FBI. ²³ So before you go to
bomb the enemy and you remember
that your brother spoke against it,
²⁴ do not bomb, but report your
brother to the authorities, then go
and drop your bombs. ²⁵ Make
quick allies with your enemy's
neighbors and bribe them to
help you, for you can always bomb
them later, ²⁶ truly I say to you
that you will never be done killing
until the last terrorist is dead."
²⁷ "You have heard that it was said,
'You shall not commit adultery.' ²⁸ But
I say to you that everyone who has
run for office as a democrat has
already committed adultery in his
heart. ²⁹ If someone in the right
wing commits a sin then pluck him
out and throw him away for he is
an exception to the rule. ³⁰ But if
someone in the left wing commits a
sin throw them all away for they
shall drag the whole country into hell."
³¹ "It was also said, 'A man who lets
his children run amok with drugs and
alcohol has failed as a parent.' ³² But
I say to you that it is the fault of the
media and the entertainment industry."
³³ "Again you have heard that it was
said to the men of old, 'Do not believe
him for his father broke his campaign
promises and he will too.' ³⁴ But I
say to you that I will avenge my
father and lower taxes ³⁵ and remove
Saddam Hussein from power once
and for all. ³⁶ I shall increase military
spending, empower domestic surveillance,
and unsign every treaty that ever
crossed my father's desk. ³⁷ Anything
more liberal than this comes from evil."
³⁸ "You have heard that it was said,
'An eye for an eye, a tooth for a
tooth, and a civilian casualty for a
civilian casualty.' ³⁹ But I say to you,
Do not resist the urge to destroy one
who is evil. But if anyone strikes you
on the right cheek turn to him your
left fist and beat him to a pulp; ⁴⁰ and
if anyone would sue you and take your
coat, counter sue him and take his house;
⁴¹ and if anyone forces you to go half
way around the world, bomb them,
their family, their neighbors and anyone
who looks like them. ⁴² Give to their
widows only when they beg from
you and make sure that it is in the
form of a loan."
⁴³ "You have heard that it was said,
'You shall love your neighbor and
hate your enemy.' ⁴⁴ But I say to
you, Bomb your enemies, and
spy on your neighbors, so that
you may be free from the forces
of evil. ⁴⁵ Just as God sends rain on the
just and the unjust, rain bombs down
on the soldiers and the civilians alike,
⁴⁶ for if you let the innocent live and then
they become terrorists what reward
have you? ⁴⁷ And if you put a flag
on your vehicle what more are you
doing than others? Buy an SUV,
waste gas, and defy our Arab
enemies. ⁴⁸ And because Big
Brother is watching, you must be
perfect, and even that is not enough,
you must love him too."
6 ¹ "Beware of practicing your politics
before the media in order to be seen
on TV; for they will ask tough questions
and report the exact words you use
instead of what you mean. ² Thus when
you give speeches, make sure that they
are written down by someone else
who knows the language better than
you do. ³ And when you speak to
Congress, do not let the left wing
know what the right wing is doing,
⁴ so that your agenda can be kept
in secret for reasons of national
security."
⁵ "And when you raise funds, do not
be like the democrats who love to
pander to unions and personal
injury lawyers. ⁶ When you raise
funds go for as much money as you
can get. And do so in secret, so that
none of it is traceable."
⁷ "And in fundraising, do not charge
less than $500 a plate for it makes
you look cheap. ⁸ Your father
knows what you need and ask him
for help. ⁹ Raise funds like this:
My father who art in Texas,
George be thy name.
¹⁰ My Kingdom came,
And will once again,
for it shall be in all states
as it was in Florida.
¹¹ Give us in November more
votes than we deserve;
¹² And forgive us our debts,
And give us even more money,
¹³ And lead us not to defeat,
But deliver us from the democrats.
¹⁴ For if you appoint judges that agree
with your politics, ¹⁵ they will make
decisions that help you into office."
¹⁶ "And when you appear before
children, do not let them ask questions
that make them look smarter than you.
¹⁷ When they speak, nod your head as
if you understand them, and say that
they asked a good question and that
you have given it a lot of thought. ¹⁸
And whatever you do, for God's
sake, do not ad lib."
¹⁹ "Do not lay up for yourself treasures
in bank accounts that can be traced by
prying members of the media. ²⁰ Instead
hide your wealth with friends and family
and collect it once you leave office by
going on speaking tours. ²¹ For by
appearing middle class you will win
more votes."
²² "No one can serve two masters; for
either he will hate the one and love the
other, or he will be devoted to the one
and despise the other. ²³ You cannot
serve the rich and the poor."
7 ¹ "Judge others before they can judge you,
and judge them in secret military tribunals.
² And do not allow judgment to be
passed by a jury made up of the peers
of the accused. ³ For everyone knows
that they are guilty and that they deserve
the death penalty. ⁴ Do not let a lawyer
say, 'my client is innocent because of
a technicality'. ⁵ Instead deny him a
lawyer of his own choosing. Lawyers
are the tools of the devil.
⁶ "Beware of terrorists who come to your
country as immigrants, but inwardly are
ravenous wolves. ⁷ You will know them
by their background checks. Suspect
student pilots who only want to learn to
fly and not to take off and land. And
when it comes out that you might have
been able to stop them before they
did anything, blame it all on the previous
administration."
⁸ And when Jesus finished these sayings,
the crowds were astonished at his teaching,
⁹ for he had taught them as one who abused
authority, and not as one who was elected
to serve his people.

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